Today I am writing this entry a lot earlier than I usually do. Feeling so unmotivated today to be honest. It's already afternoon and I have not studied anything; I have been watching my phone since the morning. My FATHER returned from his trip last night and since then I didn't have a minute of peace, he just left for work and now I feel so light. Whenever my father is in home, he shouts a lot about anything and swears us a lot too. This morning, he kept his money on bed which he had to give to my sister, but that money just disappeared somewhere and then he started blaming everyone of stealing. Well, he has a very bad memory and forgets his things here and there a lot. Sometimes, he cannot even find a thing which is right in front of his eyes. It is not that he has a week memory or something but he the fact that he wants to annoy everyone and not let us live in peace. I mean he is grown man in his 50s, can't he even keep his belonging properly and not accuse his children of stealing. Whenever he does some chore of house, like laundry he needs everyone's help. Can you not do just one thing by yourself. He presence is soo damn negative. A father is a very important figure in every child's life, but my father is the most the unreliable person in my house. I cannot ever trust him. His presence is the most negative one in my life. We are going through so many financial issues right now, but he cannot work harder. He has all the money for drinking and smoking and buying clothes for himself, but he doesn't have money to save up and buy a home or pay our school and academy fees on time. Every night when he comes back after drinking, he swears my mom a lot and shouts a lot too on us. He listens more to his friends than he listens to us. He hates us but is living with us only because of societal pressure. Whenever he sees me studying, he deliberately starts shouting about anything to distract me but whenever I score good marks, he brags about them to his friends and relatives. Why doesn't he talk about how he contributed to my studies? Studies become soo difficult in high school, but I can't study because of him properly. Beside that I literally feel so unmotivated, my childhood motivation to study hard and become something has also disappeared somewhere. Now, I just want to go somewhere far away from here. Few days ago, I woke up at 4 in the morning to study with one of my friend on call but on that particular day my father also woke up early even though he never wakes up that early, he purposely started swearing about something and then started to shout on my mother. I was seriously like WHAT THE FUCK.. this man can do anything to make me feel small in front of others and distract me and when I don't get good marks, he starts to compare me with other kids and makes me feal awful..67Please respect copyright.PENANAMpnXrgiQ2H
I read somewhere that not just your mind but also your body reacts to negativity. I am very skinny, and I am sick for most of the days even though I have a proper diet. I also have a weak immunity. I used to wonder why? but now I have understood that it is probably because of the negativity I have to deal with. Since tomorrow my allergies are acting up and feel unmotivated, SINCE HE RETURNED. I feel like I will flourish in a better environment, and I my only shot on this is to get in a good college.
You see my whole life somehow depends on this entrance exam but still l feel unmotivated and I just don't know why!!!!! Right now, I am going to make a few promises with myself. Firstly, I am going to devote myself to my studies and secondly, I will get accepted into a good college and move somewhere far away from here. Wish me luck.
Until next time,
Joy
67Please respect copyright.PENANAV45wL2GvWp