I wanted so much to be a priest and was so disappointed that I had to wait so many years. I tried reading the Bible and praying every night. I was not afraid to tell people that I wanted to be a priest. It made me special in the family’s eyes, as I would sacrifice marriage and a family to be a priest and who knows the Pope? God became like an invisible friend. He thought I was ok, no matter what happened. I had this image of him walking beside me in good times and bad times. I was hoping he would share all the deep secrets I had. God was not the God who was always angry. He was a good and understanding, otherwise, he would have hit me with lightning
It was like I was two people with two lives. It was like I had two sets of parents. One was my own parents, who were very strict, even for the standards back then. When I was home, I was starting to spend a lot of time in my bedroom. I never came out unless I was called or I had to do housework. It was at this time, I became interested in what was being played on the radio. These posters plastered my walls. My bedroom was never tidy, but it was my hiding place from Kevin and his pictures and at times my parents.
Kevin had a lot of influence on me. He would ask me when was the last time my parents gave me a hug? He would say they treated me like a slave tidying the house and doing dishes. He would ask me when was the last time I had a heart to heart talk with them? Could I ever tell them what was going on in my heart? My other brothers were loved and I was the black sheep of the family. He, on the other hand, knew I was good at being a model and I made many people happy by the pictures, even the nude pictures. He loved me and knew what was best for me. My response to all this was I hid in my bedroom at home.
I had a friend called Maurice; my parents hated his family as they thought they were snobs. To me, they were the perfect family. They actually spoke to each other and even asked how each other were. The children there were meant to be heard and not just seen. When I could I visited him. He lived on the other side of town, so this was like travelling to the other side of the world. He chatted a lot as he did not like playing- So we would just listen to music and chat. There was a secret reason why I was here, and that was his sister. I had a huge crush on two girls in the town. One was the grocer’s daughter that never gave me the time of the day, and the other one was Maurice’s sister, that actually talked with me. When she was there, I went totally shy and could hardly speak. She was a goddess. Maurice knew I fancied his sister, and that made him jealous, as he thought I was visiting him.
Kevin took me to a beach once. He had one of his friends with him and this was something new and frightened me. I wore diapers all the way in the car on the way to the beach with a light blue summer dress over it. I was so embarrassed that he has this strange man with him, but Kevin just said he saw all my pictures and he was one of my biggest fans. The man was English, which made his accent nice. After we got to the beach, I was told to walk around while some pictures were taken of me. The English guest kept commenting that I was a cute baby girl. Then I was told to put a pair of girl panties on and sit and play on the sand. I remember it was a bit cold but I did my best as I did not want Kevin to be mad at me. I just had these girl panties that had lace edges, so it was no surprise when an old couple walked by and told me I should be ashamed of myself. This, of course, made me cry.
The Englishman had pity on me and told me to lay over with him. I did as he said and laid beside him as he put his arm around my shoulder. My head was now on his chest. I did not mind him rubbing my hair, but I was confused he continued molesting me. I let him do it and did not complain. Kevin was talking bad about my parents and saying they do not love me. When was the last time I cuddled with them? I did not want to tell him that I was about 4. The Englishman lifted my head and started kissing me. It was deep kisses. I was in hell!
Kevin looked at his watch and told me he needed some nude pictures of me before I went home.
I remember when I said bye to the Englishman; he said I would be a great whore! I still didn’t even know what that word meant
Kevin was demanding more and more from me. He would tell me to stand in some strange places. These could be parks, or on a street corner or in shops. I would be wearing football shorts and no underwear. It could also be very small denim shorts. Then he would tell me to sit with my legs straight. This meant that anyone who could see me and looked could look up my shorts, at my privates hanging there. It was extremely embarrassing but also I was losing all my morals when I was with Kevin. It made me laugh inside when people would stare and look uncomfortable at me-
My mind was getting worse and worse. The best way to explain it is that I was confused. What was I doing in secret, and was it a sin? Would it mean that I could not become a priest? Would I be taking these pictures for the rest of my life? I felt like Kevin loved me and sometimes I wanted him to be my parent. I also knew that I was in a moral black hole and I was becoming lost in it
I was nearly a teenager and this could be seen at home. I started fighting with my mum. It was not really my fault. I was doing what Kevin told me to. I was giving my own opinion. I was beginning to say no to things I did not want to do. I was rebelling. Mum would not have it. It meant that we entered a 10-year war where we simply argued and shouted at each other. I hated these arguments as I wanted my mum to be a pillar in my life, which she wasn’t. Why did she not see how confused her son was and how unhappy he was? This was fed by Kevin that had me convinced that my mum did not care. These fights usually ended with my dad ending them by giving me wallops on my bum.
The English man and another man were at the next photo session. It was in Kevin’s caravan home. I was told that I would be doing a sort of film. I would now be a film star. Kevin would take pictures while the other man would film. This was new and I was excited. I wondered where the script was and was told the English man would do all the talking. He was acting like my dad and I just had to do what he said and answer him. I was given a ballet leotard and panties and tights and told to wear them. This sort of disappointed as I would be a sissy in the film.
I walked in the caravan and said hello to the English man and said I was home. He told me to sit down beside him and asked did anyone at ballet know I was a boy? I said yes and they called me a sissy. He then molested me once again. I hated it and I felt as dirty as a sinner. It was my full sexual experience. I was in agony and pain. The begging and tears did not stop it and I remember saying sorry to God, as I was expecting to die.
I was in a depression after. It slowly dawned on me that I was now a star of a porn film and pictures. This is what Kevin wanted all the time. He was making me gay. The experience hurt my body and I could not see how it was fun. What was worse with the ordeal was what it did with my head. I felt dirty and I felt ashamed. I also felt guilty as I could just have said no. I could just forget that I ever met Kevin, and concentrate on becoming a priest- However, I knew that I would go to him when he wanted. These were not the last porno pictures or film I would be in.
A new boy started at school. He was from Holland and had the cutest accent. He was a bit smaller than me and looked like a momma’s boy. He had a bowl haircut and looked a bit old-fashioned. However, he was so cute and so perfect. I wanted to be like him in every way. I did my hair like his. I wanted to sit next to him in class and simply be with him. I remember that he was an extremely slow writer and this meant I practised writing slower. It was at one stage when a friend asked me why I wanted to be like the Dutch kid, was it because I was in love? This caused me to panic as I thought did they see the porn I did? I doubted it but I did not want to be known as a gay boy. I started sitting with another boy and tried to avoid the Dutch kid. I often wondered did this hurt him? I know it hurt me a lot. Looking back I think I was in love with him.
Kevin picked me up one day and told me we were going to visit one of my fans. I was a bit surprised that I even had fans. The image of the old couple was often in my mind telling me that I should be ashamed. The man wanted to meet me in a public toilet and I remember he was very fat. He had sex with me. By now I learned how to concentrate on something like a spider on the wall, peeled paint etc. I would try and take my head to another world. I did not enjoy sex. I was not old enough to know why people had sex or why they thought it was fun.
I was now 13 and my life was going downhill quick. I was living a double life and it seemed like I had two personalities. I was a child porn star and prostitute that let men do whatever they want. I did not like it and yet went back for more. It was there I felt accepted and wanted by others. When I was at home, I acted like a saint and tried to live up to everyone’s expectations. I got mostly A’s in my group cert and intermediate exams, which meant I was considered intelligent, especially in maths and business.
The real me was when I was in my bedroom and hidden away by myself.
The reality was I was getting depressed and my mind was going crazy. At times I could not think straight. I would just cry on my bed and hate my parents. I wanted to get out of the house and family. I wanted to be a long way from my family. For some reason, I loved Kevin and believed all that he said. I would miss him.
At one stage I started doing crazy things. One was wearing panties to school. Another one was to wake up at about 4 am and crawl through my bedroom window and run naked outside. This was a special feeling as the breeze against me was liberating. Only God and the cows in the next field and our dog could see my naked body and they did not want to harm it or show it to the whole world. Running outside naked was like I was cleansing myself.
Things got worse between my parents and me. It was a mixture of what Kevin told me and being a teenager. I never knew what to say to my dad and he never knew what to say to me. We never had a conversation. We did not have the same interests. I remember we had a cat that would have kittens. Dad said we could not have them and they would be drowned. I was horrified at the thought and lost all respect for my dad. I guarded the cat all the time and one night when I saw she gave birth to some kittens, I hid them. I considered this a victory for God for protecting his creations. Dad was furious and wondered where the cat hid them. I do not know if they survived.
I decided that I had enough of everything. My plan was to go over the mountains and walk to Limerick which was the nearest big town with an airport. I would save up for a ticket and go to Hollywood and be famous. I would go to school first as sometimes I came home late if I was with Kevin, so it would give me a few hours to get away.
Looking back I should have taken the main road. However, I went up that stupid mountain and after a few hours, I was not over it. I remember I felt so happy and so free. The roads stopped at one stage and I tried to force my way through some bushes, which tired me and wasted time. I did think I was smart, as at one stage I walked in a stream so anyone that followed me would lose the scent. The problem is wet feet get cold. I had freedom for 8 hours and still was not over that mountain. It was getting cold and I was hungry. I decided to go back and make a better plan.
I remember some films where someone ran away ended good, in hugs and reminding each other how much they loved each other. My mum was upset and mad at me and dad didn’t want to deal with it- he called our neighbour which was a policeman. He didn’t ask why I did it or how I was, he was telling me how inconsiderate I was and how much I hurt my family. He thought I needed to be over someone’s knees.
I refused to speak with him and turned on my Madonna tape. I got a present from my brother which was a bootleg tape. I was immediately hooked on her and when she became famous, I would be her largest fan. I remember when she released like a virgin, I was late for school. I had to listen to the song over and over. The teacher did not like my excuse that I was listening to a virgin. He did not know the song. I was in deep trouble.
Madonna has been a vital part of my life since I was a teenager. It’s not just the music that people do not appreciate. It is also how she deals with things. She is not a follower, and she is a rebel. At the same time, she had the courage to accept all the comments about her and people that were against her. She did her thing telling us we need to have tolerance and respect. Madonna has helped me in so many ways.
Dad was in the construction business and built houses. He got the idea that we would work for him during holidays and weekends. This meant our summer holiday was spent working with him. We would leave the house at 7 am in the morning and come home at about 5 pm. I am sure my dad was thinking he was doing something good and was training us to be hard workers. It did teach me work ethic but I hated every minute of it and considered it a sentence. It did not help when he taught my brothers younger than me how to hammer and work with concrete while I was left doing manual work. To this day I can’t use a hammer.
We continued this work until I left home. This meant it was getting harder to do what Kevin wanted me to do. He did not want my parents to be suspicious so once in a week or so, usually, after school, we would meet at the park. I knew by now I was a prostitute as I met about 3-5 men a month and pleased them. It was not all that painful, but the emotions were what has hurt me. Besides I became an expert at leaving my body, I also wondered was I beginning to like it and indeed was I gay?
I was now 14, a very skinny boy. Kevin warned me the worse thing was to gain weight, and he showed me how to vomit after eating. I was not a fanatic about this as I hated doing it. However, I admit that I did it until I got married. It was another secret I kept in my head.
This was my life now. I was in porn pictures and films, a prostitute being pimped out and semi-anorexic and when I was normal, I worked hours upon hours with my dad.
I gave up when I was 14. I wanted it to all end. People laugh when I tell them this story, but I tried to kill myself from drinking the water from a flower vase. It gave me an upset stomach but I really thought I would die. This is what makes it sad.
I had strange answers to do things as you probably realised. Shortly after the flower water, I came up with a plan that most likely would work and I would have revenge on my older brother that was a bully. I teased and teased him until he picked up a knife and chased me around the kitchen table- he was going to kill me. However, my mum called our neighbour… the policeman. The positive thing besides I was alive was that my brother was in trouble.
I suppose I felt sorry for myself. I was often frustrated.
One cute thing happened around this time. There was a boy in my class called Paul. He was from a poor family with problems. He was popular enough but had a bad reputation because of his background. It was prejudice. No one expected him to have a future. However, one day as I came to school and walked in the classroom he sprang up and kissed me on the lips. I was standing in shock while classmates called us gay and laughed. Paul whispered in my ears, “stop being sad. We all love you and you are cool." Why he said it was a mystery, but it put a smile back on my face.
It was also at this time that a girl said she loved me and wanted to be my girlfriend. I don’t know if I even liked her, but I felt normal with her. We met when I could and didn’t have to make some man happy. During a school holiday, I told dad I was taking a day off. I cycled to her house, which was far away and seemed like uphill all the time. The afternoon was agony. Maybe because I was shy or maybe we had nothing to talk about.
The day after we broke up. I really didn’t know her that well but I wasn’t that sad. I was about to go to boarding school
Freedom at last
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