I had my arm around James’s shoulders as I walked him into my house. His breath smelled of alcohol and weed. His face was tear stained with his eyes red and slightly puffy.
I led him to the bathroom just off the kitchen. I soaked a washcloth with warm water and wiped his face. He looked up at me with love and admiration in his eyes, which seemed genuine.
When I finished washing his face, I put a band-aid over the small cut over the top of his right eyebrow. He smiled.
“Thank you,” he said. James picked up my hand and rubbed my thumb, like he always does.
I got lost in his beautiful, ocean blue eyes. But I had to snap out of it. I also ignored those thoughts, my lingering love taking over.
“Of course, no problem,” I replied.
He planted a small kiss on the back of my hand, which made me smile.
My smile dropped quickly. “James, what happened?” I asked.
He dropped my hand as he looked at his dirty shoes. “Nothing,” he mumbled.
I picked up both of his hands and held them close to my heart. He looked up and gazed longingly into my eyes. They twinkled in the bright fluorescent lights.
“Tell me please, it hurts me to see you hurt like this,” I begged him.
His jaw trembled a little bit.
He pulled one hand away to rub his eye quickly, then put it back on my chest.
“God, I’m so fucking pathetic,” he said, letting out a small scoff.
“No, you’re not. You’re the least pathetic person I know,” I said, sympathetically.
“Can I tell you later? Can we go lay down?” he asked.
I nodded. “Of course.”
He got up from sitting on the toilet cover and followed me into the living room where I sat on the love seat. He sat next to me and we laid down, my head on his chest. His heartbeat was slow and steady; very evenly paced.
He put his arm around me and rested his hand on my hip, right above my butt. I rubbed my thumb in small circles, feeling the top of his abs through his thin shirt.
“I missed you,” he said.
I smiled. “I’m sorry I yelled at you so much the other night,” I said.
“Nah, it’s all good,” he said. “I deserved it. I was being an ass. I was so high I could barely hear anything.”
“I smelled weed on you earlier, is it wearing off?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he replied. “I smoked around ten this morning when I got up, so the high is basically gone now.”
I nodded a little bit to acknowledge what he told me. We layed in silence for a while, with body heat warming me up. But I could tell he was sad. Really, really sad.
He stroked my arm softly as I was half-asleep trying to match the rhythm of his breathing.
He coughed again, which must have been the tenth time in the last three minutes. He must be getting a smoker’s cough since he’s been smoking so much weed lately. And I know he’s not sick.
I moved and I looked up at him. “You okay?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he said, smiling at me. James leaned his head down and gave me a small kiss on my hairline, which instantly gave me butterflies.
I smiled, feeling my dimples pop. “I love you,” I told him.
“Love you,” he said, smiling back at me.
I laid my head back down on his chest and he slapped by butt. I heard him laugh as a smile crept up on my face.
He grabbed my arm as he sat up.
“Come on,” he said, gesturing to the grand staircase on the other side of the room. “Let’s go to your room.”
I got up and chased him, him pulling me by the hand. He pulled me inside the door and swiftly shut it behind him. He shut the light off immediately and pulled me in by my waist, the only light from the moon peeking through my curtains.
We made out and he pulled me on the bed. He sat down and he pulled me on top of him, drawing me in. He played with my soft pink lips, smiling.
“Kiss me already,” I whispered.
“I have other plans,” he said back.
In one quick motion, James flipped me onto the bed and quickly pulled off my black and white pajama pants.
He stared deeply into my eyes. The moonlight brightened his face a little bit, just enough for me to see the wide smirk spread across his face.
I nodded at him and I saw his face drop. He got up and went to sit in my egg chair by my desk.
I got up and pulled my pants back up and sat next to him in the other egg chair.
His head was resting in his hands that were resting on his knees, bent up in a ball.
I put my head on his shoulder, getting a wisp of his musky cologne.
“It’s okay, we don’t have to,” I whispered.
James picked his head up and turned to face me.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t do it,” he said, tears welling in his eyes.
My heart broke. “It’s perfectly fine. It’s okay, you don’t have to be sad. Please tell me what happened today, I want to help you” I begged.
“I lied to you for so long. I lied to everyone,” he said.
I let out a deep breath. “It’s okay,” I comforted him.
He shook his head. “No, no, no, it’s not. Inez is going to tell everyone,” he cried.
“Tell them what? People already know about us,” I reminded him.
He wiped his face and pulled a flask out of the pocket of his leather jacket. He took a long swig as he calmed himself down.
“You can’t tell anyone. I apologize in advance for hurting you even more,” he told me.
Worry built up in my lungs. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”
"No,” he cut me off. “I’m tired of hiding myself. I need to come to the truth.”
I picked up his hands and held them while he took a few shaky breaths.
“I’m gay,” he told me.
Wow. Shocked: yes, of course. Pain and sadness: also yes.
“That’s the first time I’ve actually said it out loud,” he told me.
“Oh,” is all I replied with. Just oh.
“Well what the fuck is that? I tell you this secret I’ve been hiding my whole life and you say ‘oh’? What is that?” he yelled.
“I-” I stammered.
“No, I don’t wanna hear it! God, I tried to be straight for so long. All I wanted was to feel normal and be into girls. I fucked three girls this summer trying to turn myself. I’ve been drinking myself halfway to death for years now so I can try to feel something. God, I’ve been trying to change myself for years so I can be normal and fit in, but no, of course I can’t. I’m the fucking outcast who likes sucking dick and being with other guys. God, I finally found a guy who’s hot as fuck and we had a good thing going, but he was cheating with me? He said I was bad for still hiding and being a wimp ass baby for still having an affair with my childhood best friend. He’s the only person I’ll ever want, and now I lost him forever. Do you have any fucking idea how that feels like?” he yelled.
The tears almost escaped. “I’ve waited for you my whole life! I’ve had a crush on you since elementary school, so yeah, I know what you’re feeling. I tried to perfect myself for you for years, hoping you’d notice me! I stopped eating for a while and I ended up in the hospital. I would stuff tissues in my training bras to seem more noticeable. I hosted parties hoping you’d come, like I’d be saved by your perfect kiss. I tried to be funny, but the jokes weren’t funny. I went to a Halloween party at your friend’s house one time in a blood-soaked gown waiting for you to show up after you said that you’d be there. But you never came. Then you started going out with Betty, and I was broken. Me and her were always together, so if you could see her, there was no possible way that you didn’t see me, too. I’ve been on my own, begging God every night to change my prophecy. All I’ve ever wanted was you, and now I’ve lost you forever! Do you have any idea what that feels like?” I yelled back.
We were both at loss for words.
Eventually he said “I’m so sorry.”
He walked over and gave me a big hug, squeezing me a little bit. And I squeezed back.
“I’m sorry, too,” I whispered.
“Don’t be, I was a dick,” he said, pulling away.
“It’s okay,” I told him.
He smiled. “Friends?” he asked.
“Yeah, friends,” I said, giving him another quick hug.
“I have a question though if you don’t mind,” I said.
“Shit, what’s up?”
“Who was your first crush?” I asked.
He smirked. “You know how I was obsessed with watching Austin and Ally?” he said.
I gasped. “Ross Lynch!” I said.
His smirk grew. “So what if he was?”
“Bitch, I loved him, too,” I said.
“I would question you if you didn’t,” he said.
“Hey, thank you,” I said.
Smiled sweetly at me. “Thank you.”
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