My night didn’t start with going to Betty’s house.
I woke up that morning around 8:00 and I drove up to the lakes, where my family owns a summer house. I had plans with a friend before I had to get back for the dance.
I got to his house (the one next to mine at the lakes) at about 10:30. He wasn’t there yet, he had texted me in the car that he would be about 20 minutes. I went up to his bedroom and just sat on his bed.
The sheets covering his unmade bed smelled just like his cologne. Heavenly. Like salt air, that would rust a door in the humidity of late summer.
The room looked identical to when we were younger. We had been friends since we were 12 years old.
Same light gray walls. Same pile of clothes in front of the closet. Same room where our secret romance has been on and off for years.
Yes, I’ve known I was gay for years now. But he was the first person who was like me. And it was perfect. Every summer would be bliss. He was the only one who I could be my true self with.
But James, what about Betty and Augustine, you may ask? Well, I’ve been having a hard time accepting myself, so I guess they’re my way of trying to fit in.
I was never really interested in them.
I was sitting on his bed, breathing in his angelic air, when he walked in. His warm brown skin, striking dark eyes, and god, the dimples that killed me. He was so perfect.
I got up to walk toward him and he pulled me into a passionate kiss, drawn by the feeling of lust that had built up since we last saw each other, a whole four months ago.
I pulled back, and his cheeky smile escaped with a small laugh.
“I missed you so much,” he said.
“I love you, Andres,” I said.
“I love you, too,” he replied.
We laid down on his bed and just laid there for a while, talking about the little things that didn’t really matter, just soaking up the warmness of each other’s body.
Around an hour later it got deep.
Andres sighed. “James, we’ve gotta talk about something,” he said.
“Of course, what’s up?” I asked.
He let out a deep breath. “I want you to know that there’s always gonna be a special place for you in my heart. I will always care about you and a small part of my heart will always love you,” he said.
I cracked a small smile. “I’m confused, you say it like that’s a bad thing,” I replied.
“James,” he started. “I have a boyfriend.”
My face sank. I moved back from him, in partial disbelief.
“I’m sorry, but we can’t do this anymore. I know it wasn’t right to keep it from you for this long, but I want to be public about my relationship. To be proud of myself and show off my partner. And I can’t do that if I’m still hiding in my second bedroom in a fling with my childhood best friend,” he said.
“How long have you been together?” I asked.
He paused. “Four months,” he answered.
Water flooded my waterline.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t wait for you anymore,” Andres said, more pain dripping in his voice with each word.
He got up and closed the door behind him. I sat on his bed until I heard his car leave the rocky driveway.
My phone buzzed. A message from Andres. It read ‘Please lock up when you leave.’
My heart broke in half. This pain. I couldn’t even describe it.
The tears finally came out. All these years. I made him my temple, my mural, my sky, someone I worshiped. And all of that was gone.
So what did I do next? I drove back home and went to homecoming like nothing had happened. Nobody knew about us.
And then Betty made her stunt.
Then I was feeling so low that I cornered her on her front porch. She rejected me, as expected. But I don’t blame her at all, I’m so pathetic. And her new boyfriend is so hot.
After I left her house, I drove over to Augustine’s. She answered after my first knock.
“James? What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I need you, August,” I begged.
She let me in and we sat on her couch near the fire.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
I sighed. “Nothing, I’m okay. I just really wanted to talk to you,” I said.
“Baby, I just feel bad for you. I only wanted you. Like can we just go fuck I don’t wanna talk anymore,” I said.
She made a face at me. “How high are you?” she asked.
I waved my hands in the air, above my head. “About this much,” I told her.
“Okay, then I want you to leave. I want to watch Gilmore Girls in peace,” she replied.
“Don’t act like a kid, I know you want me,” I said, leaning toward her.
She shoved me back and stood up.
“Don’t call me kid!” she yelled. “Don’t call me baby! Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me,” she said, pointing at herself. “You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else! I’m such an idiotic fool for trusting you. God, you taught me a secret language that you know I can’t speak with anyone else!”25Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoc3FE0pBb
I stared at her blankly, no response.
“God, and you know damn well that I would ruin myself for you! A million times! And you abused that! All for what? So you could have something to look at and jack off at night? God, I never should have believed you. Get out of my house. I hate you, James,” Augustine yelled.
“August,” I said.
“No, leave right now!” she screamed.
So I did as she asked.
I got in my car and drove back to Andres’s house by the lakes, where I slept in his bed that night. I was so comforted by the hom-like scent of his lingering cologne.
“I don’t belong, and my beloved, neither do you,” I whispered, looking at a picture of him on my phone. I sighed and plugged my phone in on his nightstand. I pulled his pillow closer to me as I drifted off to sleep.
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