After Jake and I became friends again, life for us was hell at school. This came at a time when I was now happy with our little group amongst the snobs and others that went to the school. They could call me princess all they wanted, but at least I had close friends. The problem now was that one person saw us on the bench and everyone was saying we were boyfriends. Everyone was saying we were gay. It didn’t help when someone said that he saw us kiss on the bench. I was frustrated as who would believe we did that in the middle of public. Jake was a good friend and despite all my experiences when I was with men, I never considered myself gay. I took this very personal. It was not the truth! Even today, I could get frustrated over what was said. If it was true, I would just deal with it. However, the fact that people said I looked girly, and I was on a bench with a boy and this meant was gay. Jake was telling me not to listen to them. I wondered how he could be so calm about it.
So once again, being in Waterford was a nightmare. Now I was supposed to be gay and I could not sleep because I was worried about how I would be treated if they knew there were pictures of me around men’s bedrooms and so forth. I was afraid that they would think it was my fault. This made me lose more sleep as I started thinking that I never said no. I let Kevin corrupt me. What would happen if people found out?
This was part of my life that I wanted to forget about. However, something always happened that reminded me of whom I was. Cory went home every weekend, and that meant that I was alone. One of the ways I passed the long hours was to take a shower. I would shower alone. Once I heard some footsteps. My heart was beating hard and I could feel the anxiety building up in me. I looked around and it was Brother Declan. .He was standing behind me. The men I had sex with flashed through my head and I was waiting for him to touch me. He did nothing but looked. My anxiety was growing but nothing happened.
This happened a few other times. In fact, he would ask if it was time for me to take a shower. Then I would take my shower and he would just look at me. Even if I turned away from him, I could feel his eyes roam all over my body. This was creepy every time, as I was waiting for him to do something, especially when he started breathing hard, and sometimes saying how "pretty" I was. I wanted to tell Cory about these shower episodes, but as well as what I did with Kevin, I was afraid what Cory would say. It is a bit weird, as years after I left school, someone told me that Brother Declan liked boys. I suppose I was lucky that he only looked, despite it is one of the scariest experiences in my life.
I had things to distract me. I had in-growing toenails. Most likely because of the tight and pointy shoes I used to wear. Ingrowing toenails are painful, so I complained to my mum about them and before I knew it, I was in the hospital. They were going to knock me out. I was so afraid of this. I wondered if I would wake up again. Nevertheless, the operation was a success, but I was in a depression when I saw my toes. They were so ugly. The sides of them were cut off and they did not look normal. I hated and refused to go barefoot after that operation. The problem was that both toenails got an infection, so it looked like you can see in the flesh, and it was always leaking with this disgusting stuff. So I had to go to the school nurse once a day to wash my toes and they had to soak in some soapy water. The nurse was a bit strange and I wonder how she ever became a nurse. She was more like a grandma. I hated getting my toes soaked but at least I had someone to speak with, especially on the lonely weekends.
One thing I could use against the snobs in Waterford was my intelligence. I became very good at accounting and English. In both of these classes, the teacher sat us according to our latest grade. I remember the first time that I came in second place for an English essay. I was shocked at this, as I really never done well in English before. The same happened with accounting. Imagine the looks on the faces of them that made my life such a hell when I was just as intelligent as them, especially during the weeks that I came in the first place. When you get bullied, then it’s the small victories like this that were the bright side of my life at the school.
Things were not going so well with maths. This was strange as I was always good at it. However, when I came to Waterford, it was like I forgot everything I ever learned. The teacher thought he was a comedian, so half the class was him telling his latest joke. Then he would rush over whatever we were supposed to learn. Before I knew it, the class would be over and I would be so confused. In the first exam, I got 10% and this was a huge defeat for me. It was so hard asking that I be moved down to a lower level. I was not as intelligent as I thought I was!
It did not matter that I was intelligent, as the fact, everyone thought I was a girl or I was gay stuck with me. I knew I was not gay. It hurt me every time someone said it and I would always find a place to sit and cry. I knew things would become worse one day while we were getting a meal and standing in line. This older boy suddenly started to feel my bum. I, of course, told them to back away, but that didn’t help. Everyone noticed what was happening and after this, I had to hear that I had a girly bum and someone would touch it. I even stopped telling them to stop and knew after they got their laugh, it would stop.
Kevin was out of my life. I couldn’t come when he summoned me. The thing was that I was the centre of attention when I was his little porn star and whore. It was like I was adored or loved. I know it was for the wrong reasons, but it’s a feeling that I liked. I was the centre of attention at Waterford, but that was just to be teased and bullied. This was nothing that I liked. So the strange thing is when Kevin was out of my life, I felt like an emptiness, like what would happen now?
After the episode with Jake, everyone thought I was a sissy and I was gay. I did try to cut my hair, but the fact is that I hated short hair. I started smiling when people called me names and even flirted with them. This was so they would see I was not hurt. It seemed to have helped as they teased less and less. Maybe this is because they saw me as friends with Cory who was never teased. I did not want the Religious brothers to think that I was gay. After all, I wanted to join their religious order. I doubt very much that they wanted a gay boy to be in their order.
Weekends at home were a refuge for me. It was where I would stay in my bedroom and close the door and not let anyone in. I would listen to the radio and read a lot of magazines. I would also pray that I was not gay, as I knew this was a sin. Deep down I knew that I was not, but at the same time, why did I let Kevin do all those things to me and why did I let boys feel my bum? Did I look girlish because I was gay? Was being gay a sickness? Looking back, I know many teens go through the same questions. I hope they did not go through the same agony as I went through.
Just before summer, I was coming to the dorm after putting a diaper on me. Mark was in my class. He was brushing his teeth while I tried to sneak past him. Then he asked me what the noise was. I tried to look confused and then he said: "it was impossible". I still had my confused look on and tried to walk to my bed. He followed me to my bed and whispered "that’s where the noise came from" and he could see how big my bum looked. He smiled and whispered. “Who would have guessed that you wear a diaper?”
Summer came, and I was hoping he would forget.
1987 was the final year of my school. I was an optimist as I would be one of the older ones. Of course, it was a year where I would have to do my leaving certificate. That meant I could expect stress.
I was so excited at seeing Cory and Jake again after the holidays. It was like the three musketeers were back. A few days after we started again, we decided to walk around the school before bed. We were on the roof of a shed. We talked about what we did all summer. Cory worked on his dad’s farm, and Jake visited his dad in England. I worked with my dad. We were having a good time until it was time to go to bed. The boys crawled down and I was quite afraid of this. So I walked around in circles around the shed. There was one place where it was possible to jump as there were only a few feet. I smiled and jumped and then twisted my ankle. Not the smartest thing I was done. I had to go to the hospital where I was told it was hurt badly but not broken. I had to use crutches. Of course, I was teased by everyone. Some thought I was faking it. I was now used to the gossip they made about me.
One weekend, Cory and I were taking a walk by the harbour in Waterford. There was a large cargo ship there. We found the way in and no one was standing there. So I told Cory that we should explore the ship. He was afraid and said it was a Libyan ship, as he could see the flag. I didn’t think this meant anything, so I walked up the wooden bridge to the ship. Cory followed me asking me was I crazy. We would be kidnapped! This made me laugh and said then we would escape exams. Cory and I went down some narrow hallways. It seemed like when we opened one door, another hallway was there. I said there must be a huge cargo area, but all we were seen were hallways and small rooms. No one was there, so we continued on. We walked into a room that looked like a library. There were biscuits on the table so I helped myself to one. Cory was certain that they were drugged.
Then we heard a door close, and we both stood in shock. Then I told Cory to run. We ran back in the hallways, our hearts beating fast and we were sure we would be captured. However, we escaped. Cory was afraid and mad and told me it was my fault that we nearly got kidnapped.
My life was not all that bad at school, thanks to Cory. I never told him about my past. I tried telling him once but could see tears in his face and he was in shock! I used Cory as a way to escape this world. I felt normal when I was around him, although we were both underdogs.
There was one area where I felt like I was totally normal. On the bus ride home from school, I met a girl. She was the same age as me. At the start, I used to sit behind her and just look and daydream about her. Then one day, she sat down beside me, as the bus was crowded. She lived in Limerick which was about 1½ hours from my parents’ home. We spoke and spoke and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. We ended up as boyfriend and girlfriend. This made my bus ride home fun and a total break from school. We mostly talked and held hands, and of course, we kissed a lot, despite old people in the bus that was shocked that we kissed. I didn’t care. I was in love… with a girl and I felt normal.
A brother told us not to sleep one night. He had to speak to us. He said that he could hear sexual sounds coming from the dorm. His speech went on and on about what he could hear, and how sinful it is to play with oneself. This made everyone giggle under their breaths and the next day it was the talk of the school. Everyone was asking everyone was it them that were masturbated. No one asked me.
Once a teacher who we all teased a joked about was walking down the hallway where Jake and I were hanging around. I do not know why I did it, but I whistled after her. Within 5 minutes I was in the head-masters office. He told me Jake was a bad influence on me and Jake would be suspended. I was safe because I was studying to be a brother. This made me mad as I thought it was totally unfair. Where was the headmaster for the last few years when I was being teased and bullied? It was only Cory and Jake that wanted to be my friend. I opened my mouth and gave him a piece of my mind, and told him exactly what I thought. He looked quite pale when I was done and said I could be suspended for saying all that.
I never got suspended and neither did Jake
I was in a rebel mood now. It was two weeks until the leaving certificate. I found out that since I was an American citizen. I was exempt from Irish. The teachers begged me not ask for an exception, as I would have to do another subject. I said I will not do Irish and then told them that I would be doing history and it would be a higher level. So I spent two weeks doing 2 years of history and forgetting everything else.
I did well in all the subjects, I could have done better in Accounting, Economics and English, but I got an honour in History. I was happy.
I was now done with Waterford. It was time to join a religious order. However, it will not be as a De La Salle Brother. It was time to stop being the bottom of the hierarchy and have a normal life.
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