The next day came around so quickly; I felt so comfortable in bed with Lee. He sure knew how to please me. I felt so happy because I knew he had the time of his life I could tell by his grin. That dopey grin he always gave me. It was time for Lee to go to school, but this wasn't good. My mom arrived home from wherever she was looking for me. It wasn't raining outside so I quickly threw on my clothes and ran out and painted myself with paint which my mom couldn't see because the easel was at the back of the house.
She started calling me, and I answered.
"Where are you?" she called, worried about what I was doing.
"I'm outside, painting!" I lied; if she had found out about this, she would kill me.
"Oh, okay, I was worried because you weren't in your room."
"No big deal, I understand." I knew all she wanted to do was protect me and I respected that.
"Okay," she responded. I hoped she would never find out what I did that night.
I continued painting, I shouldn't have. I should have told her the truth. However, if I did, she would have taken away my little freedom. I lied to her, but in my opinion, I had to, or she refused to let me do anything myself.
I was painting all the secrets I kept from my mother underneath the rug. I threw my paintbrushes at the easel because I had forced myself to lie to her repeatedly. I wasn't this person. With Lee, I wasn't myself. I was a rebel and a rule breaker. I didn't like this.
She's a little controlling but at the end of the day, she loves me. I should not lie to her. I'm 16. I should be able to make my own decisions and not have to consult my mother unless it is life-altering. I mean, I was young and I was going to make mistakes, not saying that sleeping with Lee was a mistake, but I need to grow up and be able to tell my mother these things. I can't just lie to her. She was in the kitchen working on the classwork.
"Hey, mom?" I apologetically thought in my head of what I was going to say before she would respond.
"Hey, honey, what's up?" She was sitting in the kitchen at the table, working on her PowerPoint lesson plan for the next class.
"I have to tell you something." I started to chatter my lips and I just couldn't say it anymore. How could I take it all back? I shouldn't have lied, to begin with, but now I was in deep shit.
"This sounds serious. Are you okay?" she looked at me in disgrace and anxiety.
"You're going to be disappointed!" I informed her.
I stuttered, not only because she had her arms crossed and towered over me, but because I loved Lee and I knew I didn't want to lose him.
"Well, I just want you to know I love Lee!" I lied, that wasn't what I wanted to say. My mom was so proud of me and everything I had done lately, I cannot disappoint her.
"Awe, honey. I'm sure he loves you too!" my mom concluded. "Why were you so nervous?" she demanded to know.
"Just because I've never had a boyfriend before, so I didn't know what you were going to say!" again, I had let this one lie continue into one big nasty knot of lies. I felt so guilty. It was eating me up inside.
"Well, you are at the age where you are going to have those feelings" My mom said. "Just don't get lost in it!"
I rolled my eyes. She noticed.
"I am serious Kylie. Love doesn't hurt. You can't know someone else unless you know yourself first. You can't love someone else unless you love yourself first."
And that was all she had to say about that.
I had to say this confidently, otherwise, she would know. She couldn't know because I knew what could happen. Just then, my mom turned away and went upstairs. I had my friend Marissa come over after school for all the details. My mom said that she was going out that night and that she'd be back later,
"So, I know you're mad at me for supposedly kissing Lee. We didn't actually kiss. It was just to make my ex-boyfriend leave me alone. Lee and I had to find a perfect angle and it just so happened that you were there and saw it all. You're not mad at me, right? Because I have no interest in Lee, he's not my type!" she apologetically explained.
"I mean I'm a little mad at you. You could have told me the plan. But, I didn't call you over for that. The thing is Lee and I are getting more intimate and I just wondered if you and your ex-boyfriend ever did it?" I didn't know what she was going to say. I knew that Marissa had wanted to have sex with her ex-boyfriend, but she wasn't sure.
"Yeah, of course you know we were together for four years, right? When I told you that my ex-boyfriend wanted to have sex with me, we had already done it, once. I just didn't want to tell you because you were such a goody-goody. I also didn't want my choices to affect yours." She concluded.
"Wow, it didn't seem that long, but why would you keep that from me?" I replied.
"Yes, and the worst part is after we had sex is when he broke up with me! I don't want you to end up in that situation, girly. Not only that, but I had to make my decisions for me, not for you."
"Oh, I'm sorry." I didn't think she thought about this, and I thought we shared everything together. "What a jerk!"
"Yeah" It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I didn't mean to yell it out, but it just came out.
"So, Lee and I. We kind of had sex." I was so stupid for telling Marissa, but I hadn't done anything wreckless before, I had always been a safe teenager.
"Already?! That's way too soon" I could feel the judgment in her voice, and I was too nervous to look up at her face.
"It just sort of happened!" I stated.
"How so?" she interrogated.
"Well I saw him fake-kissing you and I went on a date with a guy who was creepy and he tried to rape me. He had the doors to his car locked and was trying to unbutton my pants. And it started raining! I had no escape! Lee saw what was going on as we were parked by the house. He threatened him and made him go away. He told me to wait inside his house, and then I was arguing with him, and then he kissed me. He had taken a shower and dried off and then it escalated really quickly."
"YOU DID WHAT?" she said pretty loud.
My mom walked into my room with a huff and stomped on the floor, you could tell she was not happy.
"I should probably go," Marissa said
"Yeah, get out, NOW!" my mom screamed at her.
My friend Marissa went so fast out the door that she was like a ghost, never there!
"NOW, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!" My mom said as I flinched, worried that my mom would throw something.
"I didn't say anything." I pretended not to know
"I heard you, you said that you had sex with Lee," she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did. I'm 16, and I just wanted to show my love for him" I tried to explain this to my mother. The mood turned to sadness and sorrow.
"Honey, there are other ways of showing love. Buy him some candy, go out for dinner, send cute pictures, you don't need to have sex with a boy to prove your love." she calmly warned me.
"Everybody else is doing it! I was afraid that he would slip away from me! He's so cute! Someone will just have sex with him and take him from me." I used this as an excuse, but the truth was I was head-over-heels for him.
"If he jumped off a bridge would you?" my mother questioned me with that stupid question. "Plus, if he will just have sex with anyone just to have sex, is that really what you want? Someone that will date you just because you give him sex? Don't you want someone special?"
"No, but I wanted to." I protested. I knew my mom wasn't happy, but it was my life, and mine to give to him. I loved him, but my mom understood where I was coming from
"Honey, let me tell you a story! When I was in my 20s, I had sex with a boy and right after that he dumped me, I did it because everybody else was doing it. Within the next month, he was having sex with other girls and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I found out I was pregnant with you. The worst part of pregnancy at a young age is that 18 in 100 girls get pregnant even if they use a condom. I went to my mother and told her what I did. She hit me for doing what I did because she believed in waiting until marriage. Your grandpa was actually 10 years older than your grandma. If a boy truly loves you he will wait and he won't pressure you no matter what! No matter what others are doing, it doesn't matter as long as you are doing what you want to do."
"Okay mom, I understand!"
"If you want to do it, then that choice is on you. What happens if there is a pregnancy....are you ready for that?"
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