“Good morning,” I greeted Polina politely as I settled into a chair across from her.
“Good morning, Vi. You don’t seem to be in a good mood.” She looks at me questioningly, and I smile, aware of how ironic it actually sounds.
“I am in a depression clinic. Should I be in the mood?” I ask a logical question, which makes her laugh.
“I forgot how fast your brain works,” she looked at me softly before moving on to questioning.
“I heard you had a visit yesterday,” she smiles at me, obviously thinking the visit was beautiful. In fact, I couldn’t close my eyes all night because of his visit.
“Can we not talk about it?” She nodded, not putting extra pressure.
“Then let me return to the question from yesterday. What kind of relationship do you have with your brother?” I watch her, wondering if I want to talk about Denis.
“I would say we have a good relationship. We can argue, but in the end, our relationship is okay.”
“So he cares?” She looked at me questioningly, expecting my answer.
“I guess so.”
“Who else cares about you?” I know what she’s trying to do. She wants to make me understand that there are people who would feel the same way as me because of Dima if something happened to me. As if I’m not aware of that.
“There is no need to do this. I understand it myself.” I try to stop her in time, but she doesn’t want to listen to me.
“You don’t get it, Vi. You said it was very hard for you after Dima took his own life. Do you really want your brother or Fedya to experience the same thing?” I pause for a moment, thinking about what she said. The very thought of Fedya going through the same thing I went through breaks my heart.
“I don’t want that,” they don’t deserve me to do something like that to them.
“You care about them, don’t you?” I nodded, and she looked at me seriously.
“Then why do you keep pushing them away?” She asked a question I knew would one day come up.
“Because I don’t want them to see me in this condition. Especially not Fedya.” He suffered enough because of me, even without that.
“He and you are really close?” She watches me closely, and I sigh, thinking about our relationship since we were little.
“We were close,” then I decided to push him away and hurt him the worst I could.
“What happened?”
“You see, Polina, he and I have known each other my whole life. He took me out of all the trouble in my life and always tried to protect me, even when I didn’t want him to. Coincidentally or not, but only he knew about my depression, and he did his best to help me in some way, to fix me. He didn’t realize that it was impossible to fix me.”
Why does it hurt so much?
“Vi, you don’t need a repair. What you really need is love and support, and I don’t think you really lack that,” she looked at me gently, to which I sighed again.
“In fact, I ruined our relationship, so it can’t be fixed. I said so much shit yesterday that I managed to push him away. Fedya has an incredibly high threshold of tolerance when he cares about someone, but even he can’t get over it.” I am completely honest.
It hurt, but I had to do it. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have given up on me.
“Why?”
“Because it’s better that way.”
I hurt him, but he’ll recover. He will find someone he will be happy with. That’s all I want for him. Happiness.
“Who is it better for?” She looks at me seriously, as if trying to understand why I am so self-destructive, so I ruin everything that is good in my life.
“For him, for me, for everyone.”
“Why do you think it’s better that way?” She won’t be able to understand me.
“Come on, Polina, you also noticed the age difference. He is mature and serious, and he will soon want to settle down, which is completely normal. Do I seem like someone who is capable of that? The only good thing I can do for him is to make him forget me. I’m not good enough for myself either, so how can I be for him?” It hurts terribly, but that’s the way it has to be.
“Vi, love doesn’t work that way. As you said, he’s mature enough to make his own decisions. You can’t decide for him. The whole clinic sees how much he loves you, are you blind?” She watches me, and I look down.
“I know he loves me. I love him too. That’s why I’m doing all this.”
“What exactly did you tell him yesterday?” I want to erase that visit from my mind, but I can’t.
“That I do not love him. That he will never be a good enough reason for me to fight depression. Everything he needed to hear to give up on me.” I am completely honest, even though I can already see her frown.
“You know what, Victoria, I think I was wrong with you. You don’t really want help. You do not want to fight for yourself and your life, but you are persistently cowardly trying to surrender. I understand that you have a terrible relationship with your parents, I understand that you survived the tragedy, I understand everything. But you don’t seem to understand some things. You have a brother who cares about you. You have a boyfriend who adores you. But you are still not satisfied.” Polina got up from her seat, as if preparing to end the conversation for today.
“I thought our talks were making progress, but now I see that I was wrong. I see no reason for you to be here. No one can help you if you don’t want to help yourself. I will invite your parents to come for you.” And the last person, who fought for me, just gave up on me.
“Sorry, doctor, but Miss Victoria has a visit. Her brother is here, and he says that he urgently needs to see her.” The nurse on duty appeared in the office, interrupting the unpleasant situation.
“Let him in. I should talk to him anyway.” Polina lets her know to let him in, without even asking me for my opinion.
“Good afternoon, Doctor.” Dan greeted her and turned to me.
“What the fuck did you do yesterday?” He frowned at me, and I got up, ready to leave the office.
“None of your business.”
“Miss Crazy, you’re going to lose him. He packed his things and decided to accept Celta’s offer and go to Spain. Whatever you told him, it obviously hurt him badly, when after so many rejected offers abroad, he suddenly decided to leave.” I looked at him confused, looking for an explanation for the mentioned offers.
“Oh, Victoria, you’re a completely lost cause. They have wanted him for years in Spain, England, Germany, who knows where else, but he stayed in Russia because of you. He never gave up on you, no matter how you treated him. If Katya had done everything you did, I would have escaped from her a long time ago. But he didn’t. Until now.”
He never said a word to me about offers from abroad. I thought that Lokomotiv was simply the best that was offered to him.
“I don’t know what you told him, but he cried like a little kid after that visit. I know you’re fucked, but that doesn’t give you the right to fuck him, too.” He looks at me angrily, and Polina decides to join our conversation.
“There is no point in talking to her. She gave up on herself, on him, and on everyone else. Neither you nor I can help her if she doesn’t help herself.” My gaze wanders from her to him, and vice versa, while I’m thinking about what to do.
“Are you really going to let him go?”176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8KOhvUc1K
