“I can’t change your mind, can I?” Katya looks at me questioningly, to which I shake my head.
“I feel the need to visit him. I can’t go against myself. "
Fedya went to meet Dan because I didn’t want to. I wanted to use the time while we were separated and visit Dima’s grave. I just need it. But then Katya unexpectedly knocked on my door, and since then, she has been trying to discourage me from visiting the cemetery. I don’t understand why everyone assumes that my visits to the cemetery are bad.
“Okay, but I’m going with you,” she said, and I sighed in frustration. I don’t like company when I’m there.
“Okay, but you stay in the car. I want to be alone.” I let her know that this was the most she could get, so she agreed.
“And just so you know, Katya. If you mention Fedya where I’ve been, I’ll murder you.” I don’t want him to know. He is the only one who knows how much his death actually affected me, and he would worry if he heard that I went to the cemetery again. I don’t need it now.
She just looks at me confused but says nothing, tacitly agreeing to my terms.
•Fedya’s pov•
“She didn’t want to come, did she?” Dan asked in disappointment, not seeing Victoria beside me.
“No.” I decide to be completely honest, although I’m aware that it will hurt him. I would like them to reconcile because I know that no one should be more important to her than her brother. She just doesn’t see it right now ‘cause she’s angry.
“How long do you think it will take her to stop being angry with me?” I know this bothers him, but it’s not that I don’t understand her.
I spent enough time with them to know that her parents never treated her like Denis. It always seemed to me that her presence bothered them in some way. Like Vika would say, Denis is their flawless son, and she never managed to reach that ideal. Instead of her depression finally putting her in the center of their attention, they began to look at it as rudeness.
No wonder then that the fact that Denis doesn’t consider her responsible enough to make her own decisions about her life has hit her so hard. Although she would never show it, I know her well enough to notice it.
“She is not angry. She’s hurt. You treat her like she’s still two years old, and you don’t see that she’s actually grown up. You constantly underestimate her and ridicule her decisions, as if she is incapable of being responsible for herself. And you are not even aware of how much more mature she is than you.” I choose to tell him everything I believe so that they can improve their relationship. They had never been in a quarrel for so long.
“Mature? She is constantly causing troubles as if she is still in kindergarten!” He watches me in disbelief, to which I sigh.
“Do you even know your sister? She grew up too early because of everything with Dmitri. She survived a tragedy that you and I can hardly overcome even now, let alone at her age, and you tell me how childish she is. Are you so stupid?” I frown at him because I don’t understand how it is possible that he still can’t understand.
“You really think you know her better than I do?” Will he ever act like a normal person?
“Yes, I know her better. And you know why? Because she always trusted me. She never hid anything from me, and I was always her first call when she had a problem. I know the way she breathes. As opposed to you.”
I thought he would realize by now that this approach would accomplish nothing if he really wanted to reconcile with her, but he doesn’t seem to.
“I’m sorry, Dan, but it seems to me that this conversation is just a waste of time. You don’t really care about how she feels, but that in the end, everything is as you want.” I leave him in the middle of the cafe to look at me in confusion, so I head back to the apartment.
She never hid anything from me, but I have been hiding something from her for a very long time. Something I wanted to tell her many times, but there always was something that thwarted me in that intention. Now that absolutely nothing is stopping me, I can’t tell her. I’m afraid I’ll lose her.
I wouldn’t endure it. Not now when I realize I love her. Not now when I’m finally happy.
•Vika’s pov•
“You know Dima, I miss you. I thought it would be easier for me as time goes. It’s not. I miss you more and more every day. True, I don’t cry every day like I used to. I dealt with depression, thanks to Fedya. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think of you. I just allowed myself to be happy, at least for a while.” I say everything that lies in my heart, even though I know he can’t hear me.
“I can’t believe you thought I would end our friendship because of drugs. Didn’t you know me at all? Well, you knew that I would do my best to help you, and I would never blame you for that.” I look at the picture on the tombstone, and the tears go away.
“How could you leave me here? I thought we had an agreement to go together always and everywhere. Why have you broken that?” I think I have gone through all the possible phases since his death.
At first, I didn’t believe ‘cause of shock. When I finally started believing, I was so broken that it was very difficult to reassemble. And then, after a while, because of my inability to change anything, I became angry. I didn’t come to the cemetery, I didn’t want to think about him and talk about him, considering his suicide as some kind of betrayal at my own expense. After the anger phase, I broke down harder than before.
I tried to find at least some clue, which would reveal to me the reason why he left without saying goodbye and left me to mourn him.
“Didn’t I deserve any note?” I ask him the next question, although I won’t get an answer to it either.
One obviously never recovers from the death of a loved one.
•Fedya’s pov•
“Where have you been?” I asked anxiously after noticing how swollen the area under her eyes was. She cried again.
“Does it matter?” She shrugged and tried to avoid answering my question.
“I don’t know how it is in your family, but for me, it is very important when someone cries. Nobody cries just like that.” You only cry if something hurts you. Especially if your soul hurts.
“I was at the cemetery,” she says quietly, obviously aware of how worried I am about her visits.
“Victoria, you can’t do that to yourself. Can’t you see those visits are destroying you? Every time you come back in an even worse condition,” I pull her into a firm embrace, wanting to at least make it easier for her.
“Forgive me. I just can’t accept the fact that he left just like that. I thought I was important to him, and it seems that he didn’t think of me at all,” I swallow the lump when I realize that my silence managed to hurt her.
“Actually, Vika, he thought about you.” I finally talk about something, that I’ve been silent about for two years.
I am aware that I will pay a high price, although at no point did I think anything bad. But if it will finally calm her down, it’s worth it.187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k42LfVgVY
