“You wanted to see me?” I reluctantly show up at Polina’s office.
“Sit down, Vi, please,” she pointed to the chair, and I decided to listen to her. I have nothing to do here anyway.
“Yesterday’s conversation did not go very well, and I am really sorry about that. I did not know. I’ve heard that name many times from your father, but he didn’t really tell me anything about it,” I sighed, realizing that I had blamed her too soon.
“If you don’t want to talk about Dima, that’s fine. But I really think that would be a good start. Losing loved ones is always hard. It’s actually a very common trigger for depression.”
“I do not want to talk about him. It hurts too much,” I say softly, and she nods, aware that the extra pressure could only make the situation worse.
“OK. Why did you decide to commit suicide?” This woman is very direct.
“Aren’t you a psychiatrist? I thought it was your job to discover such things.” For the first time since I’ve been here, I grin at her, so I see a smile on her face as well.
“You know, Vi, I like you. You’re not like the others here. You know how many of them come to me, who make a drama out of little things. They were left by a boyfriend, or they fought with a friend, and they see it as the end of the world. You, on the other hand, have a real problem, but you’re still trying to joke.” I thought for a moment, then looked at her.
“What else can I do when I’m not even capable of killing myself?” I smile, even though I’m actually dead serious. I tried twice, and both times I failed.
“How many times have you actually tried?” She said seriously, and I raised two fingers in response to her question.
“When was the first time?”
“Two years ago. You see, Doctor, Fedya has the perfect talent to show up just when he shouldn’t. The first time he found me with a handful of pills, as I wanted to overdose. About second time, you already know, so there is no need to explain,” I say in a calm tone as if I’m not talking about my life at all.
“Are you mad at him for that? That’s why you don’t want to see him?” I shook my head, but I don’t give her a real reason.
I don’t want to see him because I love him and because I know he loves me too. I want him to just forget about me and move on ‘cause I’m not good for him. I’m not good for myself, let alone anyone else.
“The sooner you open up to me, the sooner you can get out of here. I’m sure you’re not thrilled with the idea of staying here longer, are you?” She won me over so easily so I decided to finally tell her some details. But I really don’t want to tell her about Fedya.
“Ever since Dima died, I can’t overcome it, and a bad relationship with my parents doesn’t really help. True, I was better for a while, but now I feel worse than ever. I tried to kill myself because I don’t have enough strength to deal with all my problems. Can I go home now?” I asked her, even though I already knew her answer.
“Vi, it’s nice that you started to open up, but you’re far from being ready to leave. What happened that made you feel bad again?” How I hate that she is trying to find out everything about my life.
“You asked me why I was angry with Fedya. Well, you see, for two years he hid Dima’s good-bye letter from me because he was afraid of how I would react. And worst of all, he was right. I was not ready to read it and deal with everything he wanted to tell me.” She observes me, waiting for the details of that letter.
“Dima and I were inseparable. He was my shoulder to cry on, he was there for me when no one else was. He knew me better than I knew myself. You can imagine how hard it was for me when I found out that he killed himself because of me.” My eyes watered again. I hate that I always cry when I talk about him.
“What do you mean because of you?”
“He started taking drugs, but I didn’t know it. He was afraid of my reaction, and he didn’t want me to remember him as a drug addict, so instead of telling me so we could get over it together, he decided to take his own life. He may have saved himself, but he completely destroyed me. I hope you never find out what it’s like when you’re left without the only person who cares about you for you, not anything else.”
“Did you try to kill yourself after reading the letter?” She asked, writing something down again. It’s like she’s fucking writing a book about me.
“No. The letter brought me back to depression. I tried to kill myself after a conflict with my parents.” I don’t know how much more patience I have for her questions.
“What was the reason for the conflict?”
“They wanted me to stop visiting Dima’s grave. They say that my visits ruin their reputation. They said he never cared about me, as he killed himself and left me. And then I got slapped after I said that if I could choose who to save, the two of them or him, I would always save him.” And I still stand behind what I said.
“Have you ever been hit before?” I shook my head.
“What kind of relationship do you have with your brother?”
“I think that’s enough interrogation for today,” I said, getting up and leaving her office.
“Victoria,” the nurse on duty again.
“Visit again?” I asked, and she nodded.
“Who?”
“Mr. Smolov,” she smiled, obviously delighted with his persistence.
“Okay,” I nodded and headed for the visiting room, now familiar with its location. I stop at the door, aware that I don’t really want to see him. I sigh before I open the door and go inside.
Unlike Katya, who immediately jumped into my arms, he sits quietly and watches me, saying nothing.
“Did you come just to look at me, or do you have something to say?” I asked coldly, aiming to get him out of here as soon as possible. I’m not for him, and he has to understand that.
“I see that your attitude is still the same, but I didn’t expect anything better.” That’s why he has to forget me. I’m not stable, and I probably never will be, and he really doesn’t need that.
“What do you want from me, Fedya? I thought I was quite clear when I said I didn’t want to see you as much as my parents.”
“Don’t put me in the same basket with them.” He shows emotion for the first time, and he’s obviously angry. Just what I wanted.
“But I already did. You should have let me die, that would have saved us all,” I said quite coldly, and he looked at me hurt.
“Vika, please don’t talk like that. You’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.” I can’t believe he’s really ready to be with me after all.
“You don’t understand, Smolov. There is no salvation for me. I may be fine for a while after I get out of here, but as soon as something hurts me again, I’ll try to kill myself again. I don’t want to fight because I don’t have a good enough reason for it.” It hurts me to do this to him, but however it looks like, I only wish him the best.
“And I’m not a good enough reason?” He looks at me brokenly, and I make a decision, even though I’m falling apart.
“You are not. You will never be.”
“Just tell me one thing, Victoria. Everything that happened between us. Did it mean anything to you even for a moment?” His voice trembles as if he will cry at any moment, but I can’t do otherwise.
“It didn’t. It meant nothing to me. You were just my current amusement.” I see that he is completely broken, but I can’t stop.
“I don’t love you, Fedya. I never did.”
ns 15.158.61.39da2
