“Victoria, what kind of nonsense is this?” My father called me as I appeared at the door. I glance over the newspaper he is reading and when I get what he implies, I shrug.
“It’s not nonsense.”
“You dumped Smolov? Where was your brain?” I knew that this would surely be waiting for me at some point.
“First of all, I didn’t dump anyone. I just broke up with him. And secondly, it’s just between him and me. It doesn’t concern anyone else.” I let him know that he should back off because I don’t plan to tell him anything more. He was never interested in anything about me, and now he started questioning me.
“I want to hear the reason,” he looks at me seriously, to which I laugh.
“As I said, it’s none of your business. I don’t plan to account to you.” I am old enough to make my own decisions. Especially when it comes to my love life.
“You want me to ask him?”
“Ask, although I don’t believe you will get a different answer. Fedya doesn’t like to brag about his mistakes.” And he especially can’t be proud of this one.
“You just decided to destroy me. I’ve never been closer to working with Mikhail, and then you decide to dump his son and fuck everything up. Call him and tell him you are sorry while there is still hope for reconciliation.”
How could I even think that he cared about me at least once instead of work?
“I’m not gonna do that. If we could still be together, I wouldn’t break up with him,” as if it wasn’t hard for me to leave him, he started torturing me.
“Well, you will reconcile. You know how important that job is to me,” he issued the order, and I watched him as if he had fallen from Mars.
“Why would I care about your job? What do I even have to do with it?” I asked, noticing that he was already upset.
“What do you have to do with it? And the fact that you are in a private university? Who pays for that?” This is how they behaved throughout my whole childhood. They tried to provide me with everything, but they skipped the most important thing - love.
“I will remind you that I wanted to enroll in the Russian language at the state university, where I could surely be on a state budget. You two made me enroll in management, even though I don’t understand why would I even need it in my life.” I let him know that he won’t make me feel guilty.
Just like the two of them, it seems to me that I don’t have any form of conscience either.
“And just one more thing,” I interrupted before he began to persuade me again.
“Uncle Mikhail would never ruin the business because of such a banal thing. And Fedya is too old to complain to his parents about an ordinary breakup.” It’s everything but ordinary.
I love him, but no one will ever be more important to me than Dima. For that reason, I can’t forgive him for being silent.
“If we ever reconcile, it will be because I decided to get over his stupidity. Otherwise, no force will make me be with him again,” I explained to him, so I slammed the door behind me and disappeared into my room. I lock the door purely as a precaution. I don’t want him to come after me and keep bothering me.
As if by some automatism, my gaze falls on the envelope on the bedside table, which has been driving me crazy for two weeks. I don’t dare to read a good-bye letter. I can’t lose him one more time.
Instead of an envelope, I take the phone from the table and sigh when I see how many missed calls I have. I just went for a short walk around the building.
Of course, as in all these previous days, missed calls and unread messages are from the same people. Fedya, Dan and Katya. And so on.
I decide to read Katya’s messages because it’s easiest for me to talk to her. With the other two, the situation is not so easy.
What happened with you and Fedya?
Why aren’t you answering?
Dan is mad with worry
Neither Fedya wants to talk to anyone
Vika, you worry me 🙈
I sigh once more, so I just leave the chat because I don’t want to answer the questions. There is no possibility to explain to her everything that interests her without starting from the very beginning. And that is out of the question because no one is allowed to find out about my depression.
I play a very depressing playlist, so I throw myself on the bed, unwilling to get up again. My gaze falls on that envelope once more, but I am aware that I do not have the strength for that.
The phone rang again, letting me know I had a new message, so I reached for it lazily.
Just tell me you’re fine. I’m not asking you for anything more.
I stiffen when I read Fedya’s message, so I stare blankly at the phone, not knowing what to do. It was hard for me to break up, although I hoped it would be different. And the fact that I hurt him is even harder for me.
I send him a like emoji, saying nothing more, although I also want to know what condition he is in. And many others are also interested. We are the main topic of all gossip magazines.
I turn off the phone until I change my mind and call him, then return to my dull position.
Want it all to end
Tell me when the fuck is it all gon’ end?
Voices in my head
Telling me I’m gonna end up dead
The text hits me because I’m experiencing every one of the emotions that X is talking about. I tried to be well for so long, and then just one fight was enough to break me. I don’t seem to have made much progress after all.
So save me, before I fall
So save me, I don’t wanna go alone
I bury my head in the pillow, trying to muffle the sobs, which are getting louder as the song goes on.
I can’t read the letter because I don’t want to know how he felt while writing it, already knowing in his mind that those were his last words. I think that would definitely kill me.
ns 15.158.61.43da2
