“Finally. I thought you disappeared.” I immediately regretted letting him into the apartment. I don’t need him to give me lectures.
“Do you know how to use the phone?” He attacked me as I ignored his calls the previous days. In fact, the truth is I ignored all the calls since I was not in the mood to talk. I can imagine how much Irina and Mikhail will criticize me because of that.
“What happened between you and Vika?” I knew this would be the first question, but it doesn’t mean I’m ready to answer.
“I screwed up,” I say with a frustrated sigh, angry at my stupid mistake. Just when everything went well with her, I had to ruin it.
“I got that part on my own. I want details,” he lies down on my couch, letting me know that he is not planning to go anywhere until he knows everything that interests him.
“I told her about the letter.” I am glad that I don’t have to explain anything more to him ‘cause he is already familiar enough with the situation. I just hope that Vika doesn’t find out that Dan also knew and kept silent all this time because then nothing will be able to help him improve his relationship with her.
“Dima’s letter? What the hell was wrong with you, Fedya? You know that we weren’t supposed to tell her.” He reacts as I thought he would, to which I look him in the eye.
“I could not lie to her anymore. She came from the cemetery broken, just because Dima left without saying goodbye. I just had to tell her,” I excused myself, although I was aware that he would not be able to understand that.
I lost her, but I don’t regret telling her the truth. I don’t even regret not telling her earlier because I know it wasn’t the right time. I did what I thought was best for her, and she will realize that when she reads the letter.
•Vika’s pov•
“You know, Vi, it’s an odd feeling when you know that these are your last words with a person who is your whole world,” my eyes watered after reading the nickname, which I haven’t heard since his death. Only he called me that, and I adored that abbreviated form of my name.
“I don’t want my last words to be cliché, like in those movies that you love to watch so much and that you made me watch with you. First of all, I want to apologize to you for not having the courage to tell you this earlier and face to face, so I’m doing it this way. I’m sorry I hurt you with my actions, and I beg you not to cry for me. You know that I hate nothing more than your tears.”
Too late, Dima, too late. I’ve already cried the ocean, and I still don’t stop crying. How could he even think that I could not shed a tear for him?
“And secondly, I have to tell you something. Do you remember how I snapped when you noticed that I had lost a lot of weight a couple of weeks ago?” He asked although he knew he would not get an answer. I do exactly the same thing every time I visit his grave.
It’s been a lot more than a couple of weeks, but I remember that situation because it was pretty unusual. I asked him what his diet was, and he made a lot of fuss after that. He didn’t talk to me for the next three hours, which was just unimaginable for the two of us. I did not dare to ask a similar question afterward.
“Or the moment you asked me why was I still wearing long sleeves when it was already very warm outside?” At that time, it was just weird. Now I know what he was trying to hide.
“I’m sorry, Vi, but I got addicted. It started out as a joke, but it quickly stopped being funny. By the time I realized what was happening, it was already late. I became one of those we avoided, and we were afraid of because we didn’t know what they could do to us in the moment of crisis.” The area where our school was located was known as a drug addict’s, so we never dared to pass alone. Even if we went together, we felt uncomfortable.
After his death, my parents transferred me to a private high school so that, as the daughter of a respectable businessman and once famous model, I could be separated from mortals, who could endanger their reputation with their friendship with me.
“Maybe one day you’ll understand why I didn’t want you to see me like this. I couldn’t stand the thought of being remembered as a drug addict. But on the other hand, you will remember me as suicidal. That’s much better, isn’t it?” I create an image of his cynical smile in my head, which he often liked to use, and I almost smile myself.
It’s amazing how I still haven’t forgotten his facial expressions and gestures. It’s the same with the voice. I can still imagine his voice whenever I want. I was secretly in love with that voice.
“In fact, Vi, it all comes down to one thing. I love you. I’m sorry I’ll never be able to tell you that in the face. I am sorry that I will never be able to see your reaction and that I will never know the answer to the question I have wanted to ask you for a very long time. You are the only person in my life that I care about, and you know that very well. That’s why I can’t let you see me like this.”
My cheeks are already very wet as I read his sincere declaration of love. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for him while he was writing all this when I’m already dying while only reading.
“I’ll give this letter to Fedya because I know that he, just like me, wants what is best for you. I don’t know when you will receive this letter and how long it will be since my death, but I am sure it’ll be when you are ready. And don’t be mad at him if it’s been a long time. You may not see it, but he loves you. He loves you, and unlike me, he will not leave.”
ns 15.158.61.39da2
