“And you’re giving me a letter just now?” I look at him in disbelief, so I notice that he is sorry, while he nods his head.
“I’ve been dying every fucking day for two years, but you’re giving me a letter just now?!” I scream, not thinking about whether the neighbors will hear me. I can’t believe he could have hidden something like this from me.
“Vika, calm down, at least for a while. Wait for me to explain everything to you, then yell, hit me, do whatever you want. But listen to me first.” For someone who has done so harm, he is too calm.
“What should I listen to? That you didn’t tell me because you were afraid for me? That story is no longer acceptable. Why did he give a letter to you out of all the people?” I don’t understand. They were never close. Then why would he give him a good-bye note?
“I don’t know, Victoria, I don’t know. He came to me the night before, woke me up, and gave me a letter, emphasizing that I should not open it, that it was only for your eyes. He left before I could ask him anything. I didn’t think it was urgent, so I decided to give it to you the next day when I come to see Dan.”
“Why did not you?”
“Because it was too late. When I came to you the next day, I encountered only a maid. I found out from her that Dima killed himself,” he explained, and I still watched him furious.
“It is not an excuse. Two years have passed since then, Fedya! You’ve had so many opportunities so far to give it to me, but you kept quiet.”
“I was waiting for the funeral to pass, for you to calm down a bit, and then to give it to you. I came and found you with a hand full of pills. When I didn’t die then, I never will. Do you think that the letter could have been on my mind in such a situation?”
“If only you didn’t come. If only I went after him.” I know how much my words will hurt him, but I look him straight in the eyes as I say them. His pupils dilate in shock because he can’t believe I even thought of such a thing.
“Victoria. Don’t talk nonsense,” he said through gritted teeth, angry at what I said.
“And after? Why didn’t you give me a letter after that?” I lower my voice because I won’t achieve anything by yelling.
“Because I broke the promise made to him and read it. I realized I couldn’t give it to you. You were in bad condition, and you couldn’t stand what he wanted to tell you with that letter. "
“Who gave you the right to decide that?!” I scream again because I can’t handle a new rush of emotions.
“Heart,” he managed to silence me with just one word.
“After you recovered, I wanted to give it to you. Remember that night in Lido?” He reminded me of the starry evening, which I tried to forget for a long time because it threatened to destroy everything.
It seems that everything was destroyed long before that. Only I didn’t know that.
“I was looking for you on the shore, intending to finally get rid of the responsibility. You are not even aware of how much my conscience bothered me because someone else’s letter was on my nightstand. Especially because of everything with Dima.”
“And I didn’t even let you talk. I threw myself at you as soon as you showed up,” and so unknowingly ruined everything myself.
“You were drunk,” he said, trying to justify my behavior.
“You were drunk too. But you still wanted to do the right thing.”
“After that night, as you know, you started avoiding me, and I didn’t see you till Spain. I took the letter with me, but every day there, I felt more and more that I couldn’t give it to you. For the first time, I had no good reason to do so. I was just afraid I might lose you.”
I have no doubt that he wanted the best for me, but he shouldn’t keep quiet. I can’t get over it.
“You don’t have to be scared anymore. You lost me.” I feel tears running down my cheeks, but no matter how much pain I feel, I am sure of what I said.
I can’t forgive him. He did something stupid, and he will have to deal with the consequences on his own.
“You can’t do this to us,” his eyes shine and threaten to let go of tears. It hurts to watch him like this, but it won’t change anything.
“I am not doing anything. You did everything yourself.”
“Vika,” he closed his eyes, holding back tears.
“I did it with the best of intentions,” his voice cracks, and my heart breaks.
“I know. But I can’t forgive. You saw how much it bothered me that he didn’t say goodbye to me, that he left without saying a word, and you kept silent, even though you knew it wasn’t true,” I decided to look at him one more time before leaving his apartment.
“You thought you saved my life, but you didn’t know I was already dead.”
ns 15.158.61.39da2
