Here's a little insight as to why I am the way I am. I guess, this is a way of letting the world in. If I can post 5 of the faults within me, then that's some progress, right? If I can at least acknowledge my problems then maybe I can fix them. That's all we're trying to do, correct? Make our wrongs right.815Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIojsM5KDQn
1. Confrontation leaves me blind-sided. I suddenly get flustered and my mind goes blank. I don’t know what to do because usually I’m the one who avoids the problem so that I can think it out. But, when I’m confronted then I don’t get time to think reasonably. I don’t have the time to be rational when someone is jabbing me with comments that make irritated or uncomfortable. I can’t think with someone in my face. Maybe that’s why I’m rethinking my career choice.
2. My inferences get the better of me. I assume too much. I over-think and debate and question things until I practically go mad with unbelievable scenarios. Whatever you say, do, or even what I think you’re saying or doing will stick with me. I’ll remember it and analyze it to the rim. I guess I think I’ll be better prepared for things if I cover all my bases, but sometimes, most of the time, it gets a little out of hand. To counter this I distract myself immensely. I’ll do everything but allow myself to think. It helps with depression, to not think about things. After a while, I’ll forget. Well, that is until my head hits a pillow. Then, suddenly, BAM, all my fears and worries come to light.
3. I’m the master at holding grudges. As they all say, fool me once then shame on you, fool me twice then shame on me. Let’s just say I hardly ever get to the “fool me twice” part. First of all, I’m already weary of people. I’m overly shy and introverted, so when I finally let you in then my trust is in you fully. When that trust gets broken or when you hurt me, then I don’t just pat you on the head thereafter. I get mad. I get upset. I get disappointed. Like I said before, I remember everything. So, I’ll always be thinking back to the point when you betrayed me. That’ll always stay with me. I’ll look over my shoulder and dare you to stab me in the back again. I already deal with enough issues in my own head, I don’t need someone to wreck up things on the outside. Actually forgiving you will take time, and if I do, then you’re the lucky one.
4. I keep my demons to myself. I’ll listen all day to someone talk about a problem of theirs. I’ll give them the best advice I can and try to soothe them. But, when it comes to talking about what upsets me, what I'm really holding in, I don’t really get into it much. I don’t know, I get a sort of guilty feeling. Creeping in the back of my head is something that makes me not want to “complain” or trouble others with what feels like first-world problems. Honestly, I feel like it’s too trivial or not really something someone can understand or relate to. I don’t want to relinquish my burden onto them. I know it’s not healthy to keep it all balled up inside, but, telling someone makes me feel like a selfish person for some reason. The words somehow feel out of place on my lips. Almost like I just shouldn’t be talking about myself and problems at all. I can write down my problems through a story or blog post, I’ll make a vague indication as to what I’m feeling, but overall, I just keep it in my head. Thus, further explaining my overanalysis of things.
5. I'm selfish. Yes, I'm selfish. What's mine is mine. When what I have is threatened, then I get territorial. When someone intervenes in what I have or what I want then I feel discomposed. I don't like "intruders". Any newcomer or someone I don't like that disrupts what I have is a threat. I like for things to stay the same, constant. People who can take my friends and family away from me are a danger to my lifestyle. I guess I see it as being more overprotective, but others call me selfish.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I don't like change or confrontation or people hurting me or voicing what upsets me because that's who I am. Change scares me. Confrontation gets me agitated. Getting hurt makes me anxious for the next attack on my heart. Inferring too much makes me have to distract myself. Letting my pain be known makes me feel guilty. Selfish is what I am for not wanting things to be taken away from me. Maybe that's overthinking things a bit, but hey, that's what I do. It's who I am. I never said I liked these things about myself. At least I'm owning up to my faults. But, I'm trying to be a good human being. Sometimes, my faults leek out of me. I'm only human, I can't be blamed too much.815Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4UCofh5Af
--Ayame
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