You never realize how weak you are until confronted with something you’re unable to do. I’m not talking about not being able to lift that box by your front door. I’m not talking about not being able to pass chemistry. I’m not talking about not being able to run that extra ten seconds to the finish line.
I’m talking about anxiety.
Its difficult to live when you’re a burden to yourself.
Not being able to do something because you’re physically and emotionally afraid is paralyzing in the most unusual way. I may freeze up and halt right where I stand, but to be incapacitated with living your life is far worse than not being able to move my legs.
A normal person would realize that they must grow up, get a job, go to college, move out, find a spouse, have children… normal people would continue to live.
However, its not that easy for me. Saying and doing are two completely different things. Wanting to and actually doing something are completely different things.
I can’t go to that party.
I can’t take that job.
I can’t just go and talk to someone.
I can’t study for that test because I’m too afraid of even trying!
The fear is always talking, and boy, does it have a lot to say. Its crippling. Its stopping me from living the life I want to. Sure, medication helps. But medicine can’t do these things for me. I have to do it myself.
Sometimes, I can. I close my eyes and do it before I can talk myself out of it. That doesn’t work for every situation, though.
It also doesn’t help when my anxiety starts to affect others. I’m a burden living at home, jobless, mostly friendless from shutting everyone out. My family doesn’t say so, but that doesn’t help the feeling.
I can’t live like this. I can’t survive like this. I can’t leech and expect to be sheltered forever. No matter how much I want to be a little kid again, I can’t be. Life doesn’t work that way. .
So, what do I do?
Forget about all the times I’ve had a breakdown from having to be in a crowded room? Freaking out every time I have to ask a waiter for something? Crying when I realize that I can’t sustain this life by sitting and waiting for the fear to go away?
The obvious answer is to face my fears. Do it, anyway.
Yeah, that would solve everything, would it not?
But, my anxiety tells me that’s not true. Anxiety says: “You can’t do this.”
Yet, once I’ve let logic subside my fears, once the fear stops talking, then the true intentions of myself surface. The moments where I’m able to breathe without worrying if the air is toxic, those are the times that I can do what I want… or at least pretend I can.
Those breathable moments don’t last forever, but neither does the fear.
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