Kat had gone early for work, and I was left to have breakfast by myself in the morning. After showering and getting dressed, I took my backpack downstairs and prepared a bowl of cereal on the kitchen counter. Three spoons in, and the front door opens and Cody lets himself in, Denise following behind. She comes to hug me and ask me how I was doing.
"I'm great," I smile. Cody was on the phone with his mom.
"I know it was dumb. I know," he says. "No, Mom, I didn’t kill anyone…His house had full security like he was the fucking president." He then tells her not to worry, and that he loves her, and he wishes her good luck at work.
After hanging up the phone, Cody walks to the kitchen and starts searching for something in the drawers and cabinets. "Where's the Advil?" He asks the cabinet. It was right in front of him, and I go get it for him. He swallows it with a bottle of water from the fridge before leaving to take a shower.
"Where did you go last night?" I ask him before he leaves.
"I was at Denny's."
"I know that part. I mean before that."
"I hit the pub."
"You left your ID in your bedroom."
"I have a guy," he looks irritated. "I'm going to shower and change. Then we can go to school."
"Will was coming to pick me up," I say, but he was already in the bathroom, and the water had already started running. I was already on the phone with Will last night, and he offered to come pick me up.
I offer to get Denise breakfast, but she refuses, saying that she and Cody had already had breakfast at a coffee shop near her place.
I receive a text from Will that tells me he's outside. I open the front door and find him leaning against his bike waiting for me. I call for him to come in.
"Cody's already here. We'll leave together," I tell him. Denise hugs him, and he kisses her cheek.
"Breakfast? Coffee?" I ask.
"Coffee is good." He looks at Denise and says, "So, what did you two do last night?"
"Nothing."
"I don’t remember the word "Nothing" meaning hooking up."
"No, we did not hook up. He was so wasted that he immediately lied dead on my bed."
"So, does that mean you guys made up?" I ask, giving Will his coffee mug, the one with the word "Daddy". He just has this habit of drinking from it whenever he comes over even though no one in the house uses it anymore, so it's basically his mug now.
"He just looked really awful last night. I had to help him." Denise is trying to look cool about this like it was only natural to let Cody stay the night. However, she has a soft heart, and in that heart, she has feelings for Cody. I know it. I'm sure of it. I also know Cody is in love with her. That summer he met Denise, he was awfully giddy. I didn't know about Denise, but I remember him being happy and busy all the time.
Will and I let it go and didn’t speak another word of it.
"I wanna party," Denise says. "It's Friday. Let's do something tonight."
"Something like what?" Will and I both ask.
"Will, remember that club we went to on Halloween? Can you hook us up tonight?"
"Sure, I can talk to my guy."
And it was decided. We were hitting the club later tonight. I didn’t even agree to this, but I felt like I was going anyway.
The school was uneventful. Ryan didn’t show up. The guys were causing trouble again. People were talking about Christmas break. Everything was normal again. Or was it really?
Ryan is the one who convinced me to go back to school. He was one of the reasons I woke up early every day and go through long classes. I went to school to see him, to skip classes so we can make out in the parking lot, to sneak out of school to have lunch at some restaurant or at the park, to spend more time together.
But now Ryan is out of life for good. And I'm trying to keep it like that.
We tell everyone about tonight, but surprisingly enough, each had their own thing to do. It's hardly likely when they turn down a party or a club night. Dylan had a family thing; Tyler had a date, and Jordan and Kyle said that exams were next week, and they needed to keep up with the courses.
"Since when do you study?"
"I'm an Asian. People have expectations," Kyle says.
After classes were over, Cody left me by my locker and went to wait in the parking lot while I gathered my things. After practically shoving everything in, I slam the locker door and jump when I find Dylan standing behind it.
"Damn you, Dylan."
He laughs, "What? You're strangely jumpy today."
"I'm not. You scared me."
"Miss Shadow, hat off," I hear Mr. Horne's voice passing by; and I jump again.
"Where did that come from?" I ask, looking at his short back as walks away. Dylan laughs again. "What's up, D? What do you want?"
He's suddenly serious. The same serious when he told me about Ryan. And I think, I don't want any more surprises.
"I need to tell you something, Nicole. I've wanted to say it for a long time now, but I just never found the courage to."
"Dylan, I love you, buddy, but I'm seriously starting to hate that look on your face."
"I know you're recovering from the breakup—"
"I'm not recovering. It was over the moment it ended."
"Just listen, okay?"
I nod.
"Nicole, I can't deny that what we have is great, but at the same time, I always feel this gap between us. I never wanted it to be like this because the fact that this is happening might as well end what we have right now. You have been great to me, the bestest friend. But that friendship also feels like a barrier. Like I have you but I can't have you completely. And I wanna have you. All to myself. Because the time I spend with you is the best, and the moments we go through together are ones I will never forget. Nic, you are one of the best things that ever happened to me, and it hurts me to know that someday some guy will simply just take you from me.
I know it's crazy, but when you started dating Ryan I felt like I was being cheated on. These feelings should be forbidden, but I seriously feel like I lost control over them. I love you, Nicole. And I'm not asking for your love back. But it is your right to know how I feel about you—how I've always felt about you."
My mind goes blank.
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
There was no way to describe how I'm feeling right now. Shocked is an understatement. I was feeling a lot of things right now. I didn't understand half of it all. All that he said sounded like a bunch of fucked up mess and it was hurting my head.
I let my bag fall to the ground. I remove my cap, brush my hair to the back, let my hand linger a little on my head, and then put the cap back on again but backward. I fold my arms together and turn my back to him. I think about what he said and let it all think in.
He watches me the whole time.
I turn to face him again and ask, "Dylan, did you hear what you just said?"
"I know what I said—"
"No, you don't! You most definitely don’t." I sigh like I'm dealing with a toddler. "Dylan, you told me you loved me."
"I know that—"
"Are you sure? Because this is crazy," says the girl who just lost her mind.
"Nicole, I'm not asking you to say it back," he holds my shoulders, and I feel like I'm about to cry. "I'm just asking you to understand."
"But I don’t understand. How can you have such feelings for me?"
"Believe me, I ask myself this every day."
"Dylan, this is unbelievable. If you're anything more than a best friend to me, then you're a brother. I never thought of you in a romantic way."
He looks like he was just stabbed with an arrow. I feel a tug in my heart at his expression. Still, what did he expect me to say? I love you, Dylan. Let's get married and have five children? I think I'll throw up. This is incest for God's sake!
"I know it's weird—"
"It's hella weird!"
"But give me a chance. You gave Ryan a chance. Don't I deserve one?"
"Compared to Ryan, you deserve a million more chances. But, Dylan, please, don’t make me do this."
"Just one chance. We'll give it a try. I'm not gonna pressure you, and you don’t have to force yourself to love me back."
He pleads with his eyes, and I feel weak under his gaze. So, I nod. And he smiles a smile so bright it can light up the world. And I'm standing on the edge again, on the verge of crying and breaking down in front of him.
I find myself hugging him and burying my face in his neck. The leather of his jacket feels cold under my fingers, but his body gives me warmth.
"You're one of the best things that ever happened to me, too," I murmur. "I don’t wanna hurt you."
"You won't," he murmurs back. "If anything, I'll be the one hurting myself."
"I don’t want you getting hurt at all." We part.
"Don’t worry. It's a risk I'm willing to take." He's still smiling. "How about tomorrow? Or is it too early?"
"Tomorrow is fine."
I felt like I needed to tell someone, so I called Denise the moment I entered my room. She told me she felt sorry for me and for him. She said what a poor guy Dylan is. She said he was such a "cutie" and all guys should be like him. "Well, it turns out that not all guys are assholes after all," she said. She also told me to just go on this date with him and if I really don’t feel anything back, I should tell him truthfully.
"If he really loves you, he'll accept it."
"It will hurt him," I say.
"It will hurt him, but what are you gonna do about it? You'll have tried your best."
"Man, can I ditch on you guys tonight? I'm really not feeling it."
"No, girl, you can't leave me with those two," she says, talking about Cody and Will. "Everone's already ditching."
I groan and fall on my bed dramatically.
"It'll be fun. Don’t worry."
Denise was in my room by 8 with a huge bag full of clothes and makeup. I don’t remember inviting her to get ready together. She did my hair and makeup and forced me into an outfit she picked from her closet: a white spaghetti strap shirt, a gold mini skirt, and black heels. Of course, I complain about the skirt and the heels. The skirt was so short that if I bend down, my underwear might show.
"I can't wear this."
"Yes, you can."
"No, I can't."
"Yes, you can. You look hot, Nicky."
"I can't walk in this." My legs look tall and skinny in that skirt, and I don’t necessarily hate it. But I don’t look like myself at all. It's like that moment I looked at myself in the mirror wearing that princess dress for the school play. It feels weird, but I don’t look bad, just different. I never wore a skirt like that; I never wore a skirt at all. Even when I was a little girl, I never liked wearing skirts or dresses. Mom would buy them, but I never wear them. They're just not safe. Any wrong movement, and BAM! Here's my vagina! And I can't be the only one who thinks that.
"Yes, you can. You are Nicole Shadow," she says it like this explains everything in the universe. "You'll make a lot of guys swoon for you."
"Believe me, I'm done with guys for now."
"Yeah, but you're still not taking that off." She was painting her nails with one of my nail polishes—a metallic navy blue color. "You just survived a breakup. You should face the world with a new, fresh self. You're ready to conquer it, and you can only do that in that skirt."
"You sure have a weird way of convincing me, but okay. I shall put on this skirt and conquer the world."
There's a first for everything. Maybe today is the day when I should try new things for the first time; when I should try a change, something different.
I wear ankle boots instead of the high heels and cover myself with my leather jacket before leaving the room.
I get a few remarks from Cody, some of them were nice; I had to shrug off the others. It was only natural, his reaction, considering this is a whole new look for me.
Will's bike parks outside, and I briefly consider going back to my room and change into jeans. Strangely enough, he doesn't comment anything, but he only says, "I would ask you to ride with me, but I don't know how you'll do it with that skirt."
We arrive at the club downtown, and the place looks so familiar: the dance-floor packed with people, the lights a little too dim, the music deafening, and the bar circling around the center. We did not have a private room this time, and we didn't have a pool table, so we spent most of the night on the dance-floor or at the bar.
Denise made sure we stay together, holding my hand and making me follow her wherever we went. She danced with me, Will, and other strangers, but avoided Cody. I know it was still not too good, their relationship, and it shows in the way they act around each other.
I leave Denise dancing with an older guy for a few minutes to rest a bit by the bar. We'd been dancing for a long time, and my feet were starting to hurt. After having a shot, or two, I go to find her.
Among the crowd, I see her dancing with the same guy I left her with. He had his hands around her waist and was swaying with her to the music. I see his hand move up and down her back and into the back of her skirt. She pushes him away and takes out something from her skirt.
"What the fuck?" She asks, holding the papers in her hand. It's then when I understand what's going on and start shoving people out of the way.
"What, baby, isn't it enough?" He slurs his words. After I approach them, I take the money from her and throw them at him.
"You can take that and shove it up your ass," I yell.
"Bitch," he calls me before bending down to pick up his money. I would've just left him after throwing the money, but he asked for this.
Rule: never bend down in a crowded area, or you'll get stepped on.
I jump on him, taking him down to the ground. He starts yelling and calling me names before pushing me away. Denise helps me stand up and starts pulling me to leave.
The guy was aiming at me with this fist when, out of nowhere, Cody and Will show up at the scene. It turns into a full-on fight when another three guys appear.
Will and Cody struggle with the four men, but I make sure I lend them a hand. I wasn't much help though; the skirt made it hard to do anything. I punched a guy and cracked my fingers. Another two guys were trapping Cody, one holding him while the other punched Cody's stomach. I bite the guy's shoulder so he would let Cody go.
It doesn't last for a long while before we get kicked out, and by "we", I mean only the four of us. Apparently, we started the fight.
Some buff men in suits pull us by the arms and out of the club; Cody and Will were literally thrown out.
"I can walk just fine by myself," I pull my arm away from him.
"Let me go! You're hurting me," Denise says.
Cody throws a punch and gets shoved to the ground. The men start kicking him in the back and in the stomach. They only stop when a man, who looks young and spoiled and fat, tells them to.
"William, buddy, I love you, but I can't have your friends fucking up my place," he says. "Don't come again."
"Come on, man."
Denise and I were by Cody's side on the floor as he choked on blood. He then spits it out.
"Are you ok?" Denise asked Cody, touching his cheek.
"I'm fine," he says.
"No, you're not," she insists.
"Yes, I am. Now, would you stop worrying?"
Her face changes before she leaves his cheek and stands up. "Will, do you mind dropping me off?"
"Denny, I'm sorry," Cody stands up too.
"Will?"
"Um," Will hesitates. He looks at me for help, but I shrug my shoulders.
"Denny, come," Cody holds her arm.
"Let me go."
"Just come with me," he starts pulling her.
"Hey!" She pulls away," Who do you think you are pulling me around like that? You are not my boyfriend. And even if you were, what makes you think it's fine for you to pull me around and use me whenever you want?"
We're all taken aback by her yelling, but inside, I'm cheering her on. If Cody thinks he can just call her whenever he wishes to sleep with her, then he's no different than the guy back in the club.
"Will, if you're not driving me him, then I'm taking a cab," she picks up her clutch from the ground and starts walking away.
No one says anything or calls for her to stop because we know that Cody was not going to simply let her walk away.
He caught her hand. "I'm sorry. Can we please talk about this calmly? At least, let me make sure you're home safe."
After she calms down, she nods her head. They leave together, and Will tells Cody not to worry about me.
ns 15.158.61.6da2
