The crypt was built into the hillside back in the 1850s.It was a huge iron door that could be seen from the road if you were looking for it.Johnny Rubber hid behind a cold slimy tombstone on top of the hill drinking Mad Dog 20/20.T-and the Raging Ape hid in the shadows below and waited for cars to go by before they went at it again with hammer and crow bar.Rubber felt a dead thing on his shoulder and jumped up screaming,jumping around in terror,and tripped over his own two feet.It was only a tree frog.The original Lone Ranger had been killed in an automobile accident nearby back in the Thirties.He was the Radio actor, before it went to serial at the matinee.Cars were said to float up hill in this cemetery.Ghosts were everywhere.
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In Mount Hope you could shine your headlights on the statue of Jesus at midnight and it would turn into the devil as you watched.You could only find Knock Knock Road when you were lost at night,you couldn't find it when you were looking for it.Your car engine would suddenly stall on a lonely road and you'd hear a knock at the back window.Dead convicts from some ghostly prison were asking for a ride.
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Out in Apple Island an Ojibwe princess haunted the trails.She had been betrothed to a chief but when he died suddenly the marriage was off.In despair she wandered in melancholy, dragging the corpse of her lover everywhere. Finally they killed her and threw her body into the lake.The spirits of the place took pity on her and brought her back to life.Now she rules the tribe in eternity.If you're not careful she will see you at night and claim you as her husband...
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The walls between Reality broke down as a result of some cataclysm in a far away universe and the three of them were transformed into cannibal barbarians on some distant planet...The door fell inwards with a resounding crash,revealing the ancient tomb of some forgotten queen of antiquity.
"Be on your guard against magic,"warned Drakk the Corpse Killer."These old tombs are always protected with sorcery."
They lit a torch with a Bic lighter and saw a stone sarcophagus in the middle of the room.
"That must be the coffin of Queen Ugalmah,dead these past three thousand years,"said Ratcine,the talking rodent from the Wastes,"I read about it in the old scrolls back in Alexandria.She's buried with untold riches."
Indeed,a closer look around the musty chamber revealed piles of gold and jewels everywhere.They filled their blue jeans pockets with as much loot as they could ,thinking of all the cheap whiskey and crack cocaine they could purchase back in the emerald city of Detroit.
Suddenly the lid of the coffin started to slide off of its own accord and a skeleton sat up.
It pointed a rotting finger at the Interlopers.
"You dare to defile my resting place,"the corpse hissed in a grating whisper."And for that you will die!"
"Curses!" cried Syd Gum, misplaced Mongolian, who'd come into this world through the mouth of a giant clown over the Clown's Lounge in Gibsonton Florida."The magic didn't die with the hippies.It's still lurking in the ancient tombs of Herkanania!"
"Magic can be cured with the edge of my blade,you old bitch,"snarled Drakk,slicing her head off with a mighty chop.
From some stygian pit beneath the stones a dragon emerged,breathing fire and brimstone.
Ratcine reached into her magic pouch and came out with a fire extinguisher from Montgomery Wards.
"Fight fire with fire retardants,"she said.
Drakk looked at her in displeasure.
"Keep your day job,kid You'll never make it in show business."
Syd Gum just shook his head sadly.
Instead of spraying foam into the open mouth of the fearsome beast, she just threw the damn thing down it's throat in frustration .That's why they threw her off the Jerry Springer Show,her come backs sucked so bad.
The dragon began to sputter and choke.
It's great scaled head dropped to the stones in agony.
Drakk took the opportunity to hack at its kneck with his sword.
Green blood splurted every where and the acidic substance began to hiss and smoke;eating through the stones of the tomb.
"That was a stupid thing to do,"observed the rat,"it's going to collapse the tomb on top of us."
"You got anything else in your bag of tricks?"Drakk the Cannibal asked her.
The pillars started to crumble and the roof began to cave in.Shit was falling everywhere.A fire broke out like in the old movies at the end and that only made things worse.
"Just a pack of used condoms,"mumbled Ratcine,her head stuck in her invisible bag."No,wait, there's a pair of ruby red slippers way at the bottom.Maybe we can put them on and click our heels the fuck out of here."
The headless skeleton queen was reaching out for them with her dead fingers.
"Satisfaction is what you get,
When you buy Coronet!"
The spell worked.
Poof!
They were transported out of the collapsing tomb of ancient evil and back into the graveyard hiding from cars in the shadows.
They gave up on tomb robbery and decided to go home.
(Boy, I am really digging at the bottom of the barrel here.)
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