The Ape wore a plaid suit from a 1940s film noir and leaned against the bar puffing a Luckies cigarette.He had an old TV set over his head and soap bubbles poured out from underneath.
She had a feeling the creep was watching her out of the corner of his eye.
Bumbarella adjusted her bra and ordered a martini rossi with a cute little umbrella, trying not to make eye contact with the Primate.She had already been harassed by some greasy perv on the bus jacking off behind a newspaper ogling her and didn't fancy some other kind of monkey business with this clown.
"Could you check the board and see if I have any telegrams floating around, please?" she asked the bartender,a kid with a pencil moustache and a cow lick.
The young man smiled and went off to do just that.
The Sky Dive was way up in the clouds over Crack City and was a notable dump.Everybody who was anybody congregated here.
Her Contact was late.
Her instructions from Control were clear: Her and the Hercules were to rendezvous and together penetrate the stronghold of Zendar and rescue the Princess from the Bannermen.
(Author's Note: I can't remember who's who or what's what, I'm making this shit up as I go along.So if there are gaps and confusions in the story line,just sit back and nod off comfortably in your bean bag chair.My dad used to sit in his arm chair after he crawled out of the grave.The maggots infesting his putrid flesh used to come out and vacuum the floor,some even did the dishes.Mom would fill the fridge with Wild Irish Rose and take a dip in the pond out back.The strange men who came over would often get violent and the sounds upstairs would frighten us.One morning there was a dead guy sitting on the toilet with a syringe sticking out of his balls.Our cat was found swinging from the oak tree in the front yard.Mom said the rats killed him.Dad never spoke to us after he came home.He rotted slowly,slowly.)
The booze burned her throat and she began to pulsate strangely.
She suddenly wondered how it would feel with a gorilla on top of her.
"Hey,big boy, how's it hanging,"she giggled in spite of herself.
"I'm here for an archeology convention,"the Primate told her in a slight German accent."My English isn't that good, I'm afraid."
"No messages, Madamoiselle,"the bartender said, suddenly back from nowhere.She tried to see his face but it was a blur.
" How would you two like to bang me?" she said, giggling insanely.
She hardly even saw them anymore,she was that drunk already on one glass of wine.
The next thing she knew the bar turned into a bedroom with red shag carpet and she was on her knees with the gorilla in her mouth and the bartender fucking her from behind.
Someone pounded at the door from the outside and before the Primate could stop him,the bartender opened the door and two men stormed in with knives.
The last thing she saw was the gorilla fighting for his life and then she plunged into blackness.
-
Bumbarella swam slowly back into consciousness.
The first thing she saw was the chair wedged against the door knob.
Then she saw the three bodies laying on the floor in various postures of death.
The ape was on the floor,too, leaning against the wall.
His hands were over his stomach trying to keep the blood from pouring out.
"You're awake,agent Bumbarella,"the monkey said in a weak voice."I was wondering how long it would take."
"What did you use to drug me?"she asked.Then she remembered the deathalyzer needle hidden in her hair disguised as an ordinary bobby pin.She put her hands to her head as if in extreme pain.She might have the advantage,with him already disabled from a stab wound.She would try to jab him in the heart if she could.The poison would work quickly.She certainly didn't want to be broken into pieces like those guys on the floor.
"I didn't drug you,it was the bartender.I foolishly allowed him to your room.I should have known not to let anyone near you."
"You're trying to tell me you're on my side?"
The Primate struggled to get to his feet.
Bumbarella had the needle hidden in her fingers in case he made a sudden move.Laying on the bed was leaving her exposed;if he fell on top of her she was as good as dead.She wriggled to the side,putting as much distance as she could between them.
"Here,let me help you,"she offered.
"No need,"he said.
Strangely enough he reached under his testicles and pulled at something.
The zipper of his gorilla costume fell off and he was suddenly a bronze Herculoid Type.
His entire body was covered in blood from the chest down.
"I'm Ramgar,your contact agent,"he said weakly.
She hardly had time to react when there was a commotion out in the hallway.
"...they must still be in there.Break it open..."
"Hold the door, Ramgar, I'll get us out of here",she whispered fiercely.
The alien looked at her in disbelief but sat in the chair to keep the door closed.It would work for a while but eventually they would smash it down.
As the door began to shudder, Bumbarella went to the window and forced it open.With two fingers stuck into her lips she whistled shrilly.
"Tweeeet!"
In two seconds she could see the blur of the bumblebee spacecraft zooming towards them at an incredible speed.
"What in the devil-"
"It's my Bumbomobile,"she told him."He's my other half.Come on, I'll help you."
It was difficult to get him through the window and into the door of the creature but they managed.
Just as they closed the door behind them the assassins broke through and found them selves without a victim.
-
The wound in Ramgar's chest was bad.
"I have medical supplies but no anesthesia,"she told him."I'll have to stitch you up until we can get you to a hospital."
"They will probably be waiting for us,"the Herculoid said."We will have to forgo it.I can manage a little pain."
"I do have Love Pills",she said said as an afterthought."You'll be out of your mind but you won't feel anything.I promise I won't take advantage of you."
-
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