Trigger warnings: 2 panic/anxiety attacks, child abuse, brief mention of a suicide note
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Though it felt wrong, Selah was overjoyed to see Carter getting arrested by the police in the hospital parking lot.
As the officer made Carter lie on his stomach against the hood of the police car, Paige whispered, “I’ve been waiting for this ever since he snitched on me the day after I dumped him.”
Selah bit her lip to stop herself from smiling in empathy for Paige. Paige never deserved everything Carter did to her, but still, the sight of a teenage boy that Selah had known for a while getting arrested felt wrong. Of course, she understood that he’d made Christy unknowingly kill her baby, and that was probably the worst thing he’d ever done to date. But Selah had never seen Carter as a criminal, and not even anyone else in her life that way.
She spotted behind the police car the silver sedan that Carter was in when he arrived to the hospital. The driver’s door of the sedan opened, and Amelia Wallace stepped out.
Selah’s breathing hitched as she took in the woman’s hazel eyes and long brown hair. Amelia Wallace, the violent and hoarding mother that forced Selah to wear baby clothes every day, was Carter’s foster mom?
Selah wiped the tears away to see her nearly ripped yellow dress reflected in the mirror. Then she checked her closet to see many other clothes in the same size. Why did Miss Wallace have so many of them, and why didn’t she think of getting them in Selah’s size?
Seeing that it was nine o’clock, Selah turned back to the mirror and took a deep breath. She hoped dinner tonight would be peaceful and normal. More of Miss Wallace’s anger meant more pain, and more pain meant more of the bleeding red lines that helped her endure the pain and tears and nostalgia for Hawaii.
The bedroom door slammed open, scaring the life out of Selah as she staggered backwards and gripped her desk behind her. Miss Wallace, breathing heavily, stalked toward Selah and grabbed her by the shoulders.
“Why is my purse on the floor?”
Selah stayed mute, wanting to yell at herself for forgetting to put the fallen purse back on the bed. She’d been preoccupied with vacuuming Miss Wallace’s room and throwing away the old food lying around.
“Were you looking through my purse? There’s this thing called privacy. You can’t do the simplest things, can you?”
Selah braced herself in time when Miss Wallace slapped her across the face and against her back multiple times. When the woman was done, she let go of Selah and let out a breath. “If you make a mess of my room one more time, I’ll send you back to the adoption center.”
“No, please!” Selah held onto the woman’s thighs and weeped. “I don’t wanna go back there. It’s better here.” She only had another chance to prove that she deserved Miss Wallace’s love. She just needed more time.
“Then do what you’re told! Dear God…” Miss Wallace pushed Selah away and stomped out of the room.
Selah sharply turned back to the hospital entrance as her heart beat in an abnormally fast rate and her body shook. With a sudden, strong dizziness, she felt as though she lost control of her body, yet her legs somehow took her inside and toward the bathroom. She tried to take deep breaths to clear the dizziness, but instead her breathing had become so short and rapid that the dizziness worsened. The people around her didn’t seem to notice her. Is this all in my head? she thought. Am I dying?
As soon as she reached the hallway with the bathroom, her quivering hands touched the wall, followed by her back leaning against it. She tried to focus on her breathing, but the feeling of her body separating from her head distracted her. With minds of their own, her lungs kept taking in and getting rid of air, though she was probably going to pass out at any moment.
What is happening to me? Tears trickled down her cheeks. Am I going crazy? Or am I gonna die? Did I already die? Am I in the afterlife or something? Everyone outside seems fine. It’s so hard to breathe. Did I hang myself? Was I choked?
Selah closed her eyes and simply waited for whatever was happening to her to stop. After a few moments, she glanced down to see that her body was still, and she could finally feel all of her nerves, down to her pinky toes. She raised her hands to inspect them as her heart slowed down its beating and her breathing returned to normal. The dizziness shrank to a small headache, and she knew her mind was in full control of her body when she entered the bathroom and locked the door. Then she turned on the faucet to feel the cold water all over her hands. She cried with joy, not caring about the icy touch of the running water. She was just glad to feel her hands again. And most importantly, she was in the real, physical world.
Turning off the faucet and drying her hands with a paper towel--another bunch of sensations she was grateful for--she turned back to the mirror and widened her eyes at her reflection. What the heck just happened to me?
A knock on the door caught her attention. “Selah, you in there?” Paige said outside.
“Um, yeah.” She unlocked the door and opened it to see Paige standing in front of her. Selah instinctively folded her arms, her cheeks heating up. “Sorry, I needed to go to the bathroom.”
“Right when Supreme Douchebag finally gets arrested? Oh yeah, you picked the perfect time to miss the best moment in my entire life.” Paige rolled her eyes.
Selah gave her a tremulous smile, thinking she would rather not tell Paige about the near-death-experience she just had. It felt irrelevant to the situation at hand.
“Are you okay?” Paige asked as Selah turned off the bathroom light and closed the door behind her.
Selah nodded without thinking about it. Instead, on her mind was the woman that seemed to have triggered that otherworldly experience. “Actually, that lady that drove Carter. She’s his foster mom?”
Paige nodded. “Yeah, Amelia Adams.”
Selah froze. “Is she related to Carter?”
“Yeah, she’s his auntie.”
Selah’s shoulders relaxed as a sense of clarity washed over her. Apparently, “Adams” was Amelia’s maiden name. Selah assumed Amelia had finally gotten over her ex-husband to drop the “Wallace.” Or maybe it was for foster care purposes.
It was an extremely high hope to think that that woman would get over her ex-husband that easily.
Paige furrowed her eyebrows. “Why? Do you know her?”
Panicking, Selah said, “Oh, no. I was just wondering ‘cause...they look related.” She shrugged, hoping Paige wouldn’t bring up the woman anymore.
Thankfully, Paige motioned Selah to follow her as the former said, “The other cop went to talk to Christy.”
Selah bit her lip, feeling bad for Christy. Selah couldn’t even begin to imagine what she could be going through right now. “Are we allowed to see her?” Selah asked.
Paige shook her head. “Mark said she doesn’t wanna talk to anyone. And I totally get that, you know? I mean, how can anyone even deal with Carter’s bullshit, especially after what he just pulled off with the pills? Like…”
As Paige continued on another of her ramblings about Carter, Selah stayed thoughtful about Christy’s situation. She wanted to bake something for Christy. And though Selah would never fully understand what Christy was going through--with the unexpected loss of her baby and her boyfriend’s arrest--Selah wanted her to at least know that Selah was thinking of her and that she’d be there if she ever needed her.
Enemy or not to Selah, Christy was still a feeling human being that deserved whatever help she needed.
Selah pulled the now baked sugar cookies she’d made from scratch out of the oven and set the tray on the island. “Is the glaze ready?” she asked Paige.
“Yeah.” Paige brought the mixing bowl next to the batch of cookies.
“Okay, you glaze the cookies and I’ll do the icing.”
As Paige went to work, Selah smiled. She used to think that, after everything Christy did, Paige wouldn’t go so far as to bake cookies for Christy. Maybe, despite the complicated past they shared, Paige always had a soft spot for Christy? Deep down, were they still the friends they started out as when they first met?
After Selah set the icing next to the batch of cookies, Paige said, “James messaged me last night. And he told me not to tell you, but here we are.” She shrugged with a mischievous grin.
Selah’s heart had stopped when she heard James’s name. She hadn’t talked to him ever since their fight in Dave’s car yesterday, when he said that he wanted to be more than friends. She almost shuddered at the memory, still feeling unsure of how she felt.
One thing she was sure of was what she felt when he helped her shoot some hoops at the gym and held her for what felt like an eternity. Instead of embarrassment, she felt something she hadn’t felt for a person before. It was much more pleasant, more heart-pounding, more thrilling than a friend love.
But she was still unsure.
“What did he say?” she asked, her voice sounding as wobbly as it felt.
“He said he had a plan on how to make it up to you, you know, after the fight and stuff. And he asked me for ideas on how to impress you.” She winked.
Chewing on her lip, Selah said, “And what did you say?”
“I was like, ‘Wow, you’re a dumbass for even asking me this, haven’t you known her longer than me?’” Paige snickered as Selah rolled her eyes. “But real talk, I told him to get you lilies. And he’s coming over in a few minutes.”
Selah’s stomach dropped to the kitchen floor. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“‘Cause I knew you’d say no, and you’d leave the house before he even gets here.”
As Paige crossed her arms, Selah realized her friend was right. Selah had already avoided James at school earlier today, and she was even planning to avoid him for at least a few more days. She just needed some more time to think about their relationship, but apparently Paige didn’t understand that.
Selah shook her head. “But I said I needed a break.”
Raising her eyebrows, Paige said, “Uh, you don’t need a break.”
Selah folded her arms. “How would you even know that?”
“Just give him a chance, okay?”
As Selah kept giving Paige a confused look, the doorbell rang. Widening her eyes at Paige, Selah said, “I’m not answering it.”
“Uh, yeah you are.” Paige tugged at Selah’s arm, and Selah gave in as she let out a shaky breath.
Her heart beat a thousand times per minute while she walked down the hallway, with Paige following close behind her. Taking a deep breath that didn’t help one bit, Selah unlocked and opened the front door.
James had his hands behind his back, probably holding the lilies. His expression exuded a mix of anxiety and hope that made Selah almost forgive him for anything he could’ve been apologizing for.
“Hey,” he started, one hand reaching up to touch the back of his neck. “I know you’re really mad at me, and I know you don’t wanna talk. But can you at least hear me out?”
Selah bit her lip and nodded. The longer he stared at her, the more heat she felt in her cheeks.
“This morning I told all my friends the rumor I made up about Paige. Basically the whole story. And…they weren’t actually mad at me. I don’t think they even cared that much.”
Paige coughed loudly. “Really?” She coughed again.
“I know, ha-ha, you told me so.” James grimaced at Paige, then looked back at Selah. “So, yeah, it was all in my head. And even when I told you the whole story, it didn’t feel that bad. I guess this whole time I just had to get over myself. But since I didn’t, I hid a lot of stuff from my friends, including you. And I know now that I was being a major asshole. I was faking, lying…but I swear I’m gonna stop doing all that crap. I’m gonna be honest from now on. I promise.”
Selah was clueless as to what to say and let her eyes wander to the ground.
“And Paige,” James said, “I know I’ve said this a million times already, but I’m gonna say it again: I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have used you like that. I swear I won’t do it ever again.”
Selah turned to look at Paige’s grin. “Apology accepted, again,” Paige replied. “No hard feelings anymore.” Paige winked.
Selah directed her eyes back to James with his pupils dilated and his lips downturned. “Selah?” he asked quietly.
As she stared at him, she took a moment to think. She did appreciate that he’d finally told everyone the truth behind the rumor. And the fact that he was willing to change his ways for her gave her a warm feeling inside, especially an increased heat in her cheeks and a strange yet giddy feeling in her gut. That feeling told her to forgive him regardless of what he’d done and to give him a few pecks on the cheek and the lips for being really sweet.
As a matter of fact, he’d been sweet to her as they hung out more this year, from his willingness to do things with her that he wouldn’t normally do, to his humbleness about his errors. Plain and simple, her gut feeling told her to accept him in her arms and see what being more than friends would be like. It would definitely be much more rewarding than how he’d treated her as of late.
But she didn’t trust her gut feeling whenever it demanded that she open up to people close to her. She’d already told him too much about herself, and if she told him everything else, the worst that could happen was him dumping her because of the awful mess she was and telling people about her darkest secrets. It was always safer to keep to herself.
Besides, Selah learned that romance wasn’t real from what she’d seen of Paige’s dating life. James especially treated girls the same way, so what if Selah was another one of those girls he was just in the mood to date? Was he seeing into their relationship too much? Was he changing for her for no reason?
He might as well be better off being his true self, even if it meant annoying her with the little things. He didn’t need to make an effort to be the right person for her, a shy, scarred girl. She couldn’t even love herself. How could someone else truly love her?
With James and Paige still waiting for an answer, Selah took a step back and kept her eyes to the ground. She decided to go with, “Well, I’m glad that you came all the way here to say what you needed to say. But I just need some time to think about this, I guess.”
At the same time James’s expression appeared a lot less hopeful, Paige cleared her throat. James seemed to understand and pulled out a bouquet of white lilies from behind his back. “Right. Uh, well, here are some lilies.”
Even though she’d known about the flowers, Selah gasped softly and almost made up her mind right there. “Oh my gosh, thanks so much,” she breathed. As she took the bouquet from him, she wondered if romance really was real.
Before she could think more about the warm feeling she had toward James, he turned around and waved goodbye. “So, see you later?” he asked.
“Yeah.” Selah took a few more steps away from the doorframe. “Bye.” After she closed the door, she turned to face Paige fuming. “What?” Selah asked.
“So you’re still gonna avoid him? He did all that stuff just for nothing?”
Selah sighed. “Of course not. I did like that he told everyone the truth and...and the flowers were really sweet. I just need to think about all this. It feels like everything has been happening really fast, even with what’s going on with Christy.”
Pursing her lips, Paige nodded. “Yeah, I get you. Especially Christy…”
“Oh yeah, we should finish the cookies!”
After they returned to the kitchen, Selah searched for a vase in the garage and still thought about James. Truth be told, watching everything that just happened was like riding a rollercoaster. One moment she thought James just had stars in his eyes, and in the next she wanted to run back outside and tell him she felt the same way.
But she did put their relationship on hold for a reason, which was that she needed time to unpack her thoughts and feelings surrounding this.
And she was starting to think maybe she was leaning toward being more than friends.
Paige pushed the doorbell button, followed by a short doorbell ringing inside Christy’s house.
Selah took a shaky breath as a middle-aged Hispanic woman answered the front door. “Oh, hello,” she said. “Are you Christy’s friends?”
Paige winced and said, “Kinda, yeah.”
Holding up the box of sugar cookies, Selah said, “We baked these cookies for her. Can we see her?”
“Of course, of course.” Mrs. Vargas turned to the stairs and called, “Christy! You have some friends that want to see you!”
There was no answer.
“Christina!” Mrs. Vargas turned back to the pair. “I’m so sorry, she’s probably sleeping. I’ll be right back.”
As the pair closed the door behind them and watched the woman go upstairs, Paige said, “Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“No it isn’t!” Selah said. “I think she’ll like that you even came!”
“But what if she still hates my ass? And even if she doesn’t, everything will still get super awkward.”
“I think it’ll be fine--”
A scream followed by some yelling from upstairs interrupted Selah. The pair stared at each other before Paige bolted down the hall and up the stairs with Selah slowly catching up, until they reached what seemed to be Christy’s bedroom.
“Are you a crazy person?” Mrs. Vargas screamed. “Why are you writing that letter?”
Selah didn’t need any more explanations as to what was going on as tears immediately fell from her eyes. Christy held a loose piece of notebook paper with a few words and tears on it as her mother stood a few feet in front of her. Christy is suicidal? Selah thought with shock and sadness.
“What the hell’s going on?” Paige asked.
Selah took Paige’s arm and tugged her to the side. “It’s a suicide note,” she whispered.
“Yes, it’s a suicide note, alright?” Christy yelled with tears streaming down her face. “Now you guys know. I just wanted to give Mom and Mark the note and be done with everything in this fucking world.”
“But...how could you?” Mrs. Vargas pleaded.
“Because, Mom, I don’t want to spend every single fucking day remembering the baby I could’ve had. I don’t want to think about all the bullshit I’ve done and repeat my mistakes. I’m done with it all! You just don’t understand.”
“I’m...I’m going to call the police!” Mrs. Vargas said.
“No!” both Christy and Selah exclaimed. When Christy gave Selah a strange look, Selah immediately blushed and wished she hadn’t said anything.
For some reason, Christy set the letter on the desk and whispered, “Can I talk to Selah alone? And don’t call the police.”
The mother appeared just as lost as Selah felt, but the woman eventually sighed, wiped away a few tears with her shirt, and left the room. Paige’s mouth was still gaping as she backed away and slowly closed the door.
Her heart hammering against her ribcage, Selah turned back to Christy who had sat on the edge of her bed with her hands covering her face.
“How did you know?” Christy asked, her voice slightly muffled.
Though Christy’s question was vague, Selah understood what she meant. Sitting next to Christy and touching her shoulder came naturally to Selah. “I once wrote something like that too. But I didn’t finish it because...because it hurt too much.”
Christy sighed. “I get that. For a while I was like, ‘Is it really worth leaving Mom and Mark?’ And then I figured, yeah, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. Honestly, I’ve done enough living in my life.”
Selah didn’t say anything, instead just listening.
“I was so fucking stupid for even hooking up with Carter. And when I found out about the baby, I actually did want to keep it. I know I got rid of the last baby but this time something just told me I should’ve kept this one. And then of course Carter pulled his bullshit with the pills and now there’s just...me. A fucking loser that fell for it all, and always have been.” She forced out a laugh. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this. I was such a bitch to you too. I’m better off gone, and you and everyone else would be happier that way.”
Selah was speechless, as all she could think about was when she used to have these thoughts too. It was a painful reminder, but Selah understood exactly where Christy was coming from.
Then Selah decided to tell her what she wanted someone else to tell her: “Well, I don’t think a person’s death is the real solution to anything, period. But I definitely get what you’re saying. Life is just always tough and confusing I guess. And you’re not alone, you know. I’ve been through the same exact thing, and so have lots of other people. And those people are actually still living.” Selah chose her next words carefully. “They’re the ones that looked for help. Even I got help when I needed it badly.” Selah swallowed. “Can...can you promise me you’ll keep living until I get you help?”
Christy, with her bloodshot eyes, simply stared at Selah. Selah bit her lip hard. Christy had to have at least some hope inside her.
Finally, Christy said, “Yeah, I promise.”
Selah’s heart lit up so much that she itched to pull Christy into a hug. As if reading Selah’s mind, Christy embraced her for a long time. Selah released more of her tears and squeezed Christy even tighter.
Selah noticed the box of cookies in her hand and pulled away from the embrace. "Also, Paige and I made you these cookies."
Christy burst out laughing and said, "Oh, thanks." Selah smiled.
Afterwards, Christy led the way out of her room and asked her mother to take her to the hospital which Selah said had psychiatric services. Paige still appeared dumbfounded as the mother and daughter got in a white sedan and exited the neighborhood.
“Holy shit,” Paige said as she stood in the driveway with Selah. “I should text Mark about this, maybe when his shift is over.”
Selah was only half-listening as she stared in the direction where the car went. She could only think about the great things in life that Christy had in store for herself, and that would probably start with ending the long-standing feud with Paige that never seemed to accomplish anything in the end. Though Selah hadn’t known Christy that well, Selah still believed she was able to change for the better.
Selah heard from her left a car approaching from down the street, and in the corner of her eye she saw it was the silver sedan that belonged to Amelia Adams.
Selah gasped sharply as she eyed the car pulling up to the driveway. After Amelia parked, she stepped out holding a basket of goodies.
“Hi, I came by to give this to Christy...” Then Amelia faced Selah, both pairs of eyes widening. “Oh,” Amelia said, stopping in her tracks a few yards away from Selah on the driveway. “Selah. How are you?”
Selah had been waiting for dinner for the past hour. Miss Wallace was still in her bedroom doing who knew what. As her stomach growled for the twentieth time, Selah tiptoed down the hall toward Miss Wallace’s bedroom and heard the woman’s voice. The door was open by an inch to show Miss Wallace sitting on her desk chair, talking on the phone.
“So you’re sure you’re available the whole time he’s there?” There was a pause. “Good. And I think if he sees you, he might think it’s me, so you better be as good as people say.” She laughed. “Good. I just don’t wanna be fined again for breaking the restraining order.” She paused again. “No no no, don’t worry. My ex-husband--of all people--wouldn’t do that. It should be easy to find where he is at least most of the time.” She spun the chair around until she was facing the door and spotted Selah. She gasped at the same time Selah did. “Sorry, I’ll call you back,” Miss Wallace said through her teeth.
It was as though Selah saw the end of her life when Miss Wallace stalked out of the room and pinned Selah against the wall. “What the hell are you doing? Are you gonna snitch on me? So you never appreciated me after everything I did for you?”
“No I do! I do!” Selah cried.
“You know what, honey?” she sneered. “I’m taking you back to that adoption center.”
“No…” Selah whimpered with tears in her eyes as Miss Wallace dragged her down the hallway.
The near-death-experience came back unannounced, with her heartbeats like a hummingbird’s and her head filled with a dizziness that grew stronger with each passing second. She was no longer in the real world, instead in an alternate world where she couldn’t taste, smell, or feel anything.
“Selah, are you okay?” Paige asked, taking a step toward her.
Selah just wanted to go to someplace far away, as long as Amelia wasn’t there to see Selah crumble down to the cement right in front of her. The strange experience itself was bad enough, and two people watching her fall into a terrifying and intangible abyss was more than she could bear, especially when one person was the cause of it.
“I...I…” Selah stuttered, looking down to see her body shaking violently.
“What should I do?” Paige asked with panic in her voice. “Holy shit, why are you shaking?”
“I...I need to sit down,” Selah said, not able to think of anything else.
“I think she’s having a panic attack,” Amelia said, alarmed.
“Shit shit shit,” Paige said under her breath as she led Selah toward the former’s car. “I’m gonna take you to the hospital, okay?” Paige opened the passenger door and helped Selah get inside.
Selah couldn’t say anything else as Paige ran around the car to the driver’s seat. Selah simply kept her eyes forward and stayed as immobile as she could, and soon Paige was backing out of the driveway.
With a worried look, Amelia stepped into Selah’s line of vision. But looking at the woman again made Selah breathe even quicker, so she directed her eyes away from the shrinking figure.
Like the car, Selah left someone that made her tangible world become intangible with the familiar haze of horror and insecurity.
Once again.
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