One way or another, James ended up seeing the two scars on the right side of Selah’s abdomen again. But this time, she wasn’t hiding it. She said, “I got these because you lied to me.”
“What?” He stepped closer to her, but she backed away several steps.
“You’re a liar.” Tears started to form in her eyes.
“Selah, please…”
Then she said in Mom’s voice, “James, wake up.”
James opened his eyes to see his mom standing over him. He sat up quickly and looked around the living room, then noticed Mom dressed up for work. “Crap!” he said. “I overslept.”
“I’ll wait in the car,” she called as he ran upstairs.
While he brushed his teeth, he kept replaying the dream. It was better to call it a nightmare, and even though it had Selah in it, the worst thing she could think of him was scary enough to get his heart racing and the paranoia messing with his mind.
He had never even seen those scars before. The only person he could think of that had ever hurt Selah was Billy, the prick that bullied her and James. But Billy never brought knives or any other weapons that might’ve gotten her those scars, as far as James knew.
What if Selah got those scars more recently? Did some random criminal hurt her?
Or maybe she did that to herself? But she wasn’t depressed, was she?
Maybe it was because she already knew about the dumb shit he did after she left public school?
After pulling a T-shirt over his head, he shook his head at himself. Paige already told him Selah didn’t know anything, and there was no reason to think some things happened to her because of him. It was the nightmare messing with him. And besides, it wasn’t like he was that important to Selah when she randomly started homeschool and completely avoided him. What did he do to make her hate him so much?
At least she didn’t seem to hate him anymore. Or maybe she was secretly trying to get back at him while pretending everything was still okay? He hoped to God she wasn’t.
He rubbed his groggy eyes as he headed downstairs with his backpack. When he stood in the foyer, he noticed in the living room the cough syrup, honey, and tea that Selah had brought last night. He walked toward the table and took more of the cough syrup. He still had his throat sore, but it was actually better than yesterday.
Maybe he was overthinking about Selah? Maybe she actually did leave behind whatever happened in the past and truly cared for the idiot he still was?
He heard a honk outside, and he yelled, “Coming!” even though he knew Mom wouldn’t hear. Closing the front door behind him, he jogged to shotgun before Mom backed out of the driveway.
“Who gave you all those goodies?” she asked.
“Oh, yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck and stared at the road ahead. “Selah came over last night.”
Mom stared at him for a moment. “Selah? You’re talking to her again?”
He planted the side of his head on his fist. “Yeah, I can’t believe it either.”
“How is she nowadays?”
He shrugged. “She didn’t change a lot, I guess. We have Calculus together.”
“Oh, good. As long as you two are talking again. I haven’t seen her in so long, honestly.” She sighed. “Perhaps you could have her visit during the day? And you can study for Calculus together.”
He kept rubbing his neck. “We already study for Calc. Just not at home, or her home.” Mom smiled at him, but he refrained from smiling back. “It’s not a big deal,” he continued. “We’re just hanging out after so long, ‘cause we didn’t...you know…talk.”
“Yeah, Emily told me she got homeschooled for all of eighth grade.”
James straightened. “But I don’t get why she had to start before the end of seventh grade..”
“Maybe that was just convenient for her parents.”
“You know, she stopped talking to me that time too. Do you know if something big happened to her? Or if it was something I did?
There was a long pause, and he looked sideways to see Mom just staring at the road. Then she said, “I actually don’t know. But I’m sure something did happen, and it couldn’t have been your fault, James. She didn’t seem mad at you at the time.”
For the rest of the ride they didn’t talk, instead having a radio station announce the weather of the day and play some pop tunes. As James tapped the dashboard to the beat, he wondered if he could somehow ask Selah without coming across as nosy and hurt. He just genuinely wanted to know what happened.
Mom came to a stop in the pick-up area next to the parking lot. After he stepped out of the car, she called, “Say hi to Selah for me! And tell her she can visit us sometime!”
“‘Kay,” he said as he closed the door and sighed. He wasn’t even going to see Selah all day except in Calculus, which would be a few hours later. In the meantime, he could prepare himself for the conversation that would make everything between them completely awkward again.
He went to his locker to see Andrew, Dave, and Gary waiting there.
As James got out his English notebook, Andrew looked at him questioningly. “What took you so long?”
“I slept in,” James muttered. He didn’t even want to talk about it since his morning so far felt completely off.
“You should’ve been here when I talked to Colette,” Andrew said, then he raised a fist near his mouth. “She wanted it...so...bad.”
“I thought she didn’t like you anymore,” James said, his tone devoid of caring.
“She thought we were great together last time and she just...I dunno. I could tell she was still into me. Right?” he asked Dave and Gary.
Gary shrugged while Dave said, “I dunno. She wanted to kick it with you, but she was still hardcore annoyed with you.”
“It’s awk between us, okay?” Andrew shook his head. “Anyway, I’m gonna see her after school with Carter. And Becca, I think.”
When Andrew got a notification and unlocked his phone to open it, Gary cleared his throat. “Hey, Dave, um… Can I talk to you?”
“Yeah, what’s up?” Dave asked as they moved away, but James could still hear them.
“I was, uh, wondering if we could go to Cucina Mia tonight?”
“With Andrew and the others?”
“Uh…”
“I can’t. I told Abby I’d kick it with her. And you know I’m gonna try to hit it tonight.” He grinned.
“Oh. Abby.” Gary looked down at his own sandals. “You’re really into her, huh?”
“Hell yeah!” Then he said in a lower voice, “I think she wants to do it too.”
“That’s...good.” Gary kept his eyes on his feet and ran a hand through his blonde hair.
Andrew put away his phone. “James, I’m so gonna take an L on the English test. I stopped giving a fuck last night.”
At the reminder of the test, James had a weird feeling in his stomach and swallowed, his throat still slightly hurting. “Same.” He had studied less that he normally did because yesterday just wasn’t his day, all thanks to his throat. Last night with Selah was the only exception, though.
So he took the English test with the spare dignity he had left, only adding to his crappy morning. At least his throat felt better when he ate a bag of chips he bought from a vending machine during break. He wanted a water bottle too, but he ran out of change. Just great.
He headed toward his Calculus class and groaned when he remembered the Calculus test was two days from now. But at least he knew what he was doing in that class. If he hadn’t studied with Selah this past week, he would’ve bombed that test like he did to the English one.
At the same time he had that last thought, he found Selah sitting at her desk. A smile lit up his face before he realized it. Last night replayed in his head, from the goodies she got him to the funny and cute way she looked when she stretched in the living room with him. It didn’t even matter that she once stopped all communication between them for whatever reason.
Without thinking, he went up to her desk and sat on it, ignoring the notebook under his jeans-clad ass. She gasped dramatically and crossing her arms. “You should get off my desk,” she said.
He copied her body language. “No,” he said with a smile. To be honest, he didn’t really know what he was doing. He just wanted to get her attention and make her smile.
“Did the cough syrup work?”
He nodded. “A little, yeah. Thanks for that by the way.”
“You should drink some water too.”
“Really weird you say that ‘cause I’m actually hella thirsty, but the drinking fountains are gross and I ran out of money for a water bottle.”
“You can have some of mine.” She leaned down to pull out a half full water bottle from her backpack and handed it to him.
“Sweet,” he said before gulping down tons of water in a matter of seconds.
He lowered the bottle from his lips as he exhaled a breath. When he screwed on the cap and gave the bottle back to her, she made a face. He realized he nearly finished the bottle.
“Sorry,” he said, then also realized he put his lips on it too. “Shit, I forgot I was sick.”
“No, it’s okay.” She gave him a half-grin as she wiped the top with her sweater.
He laughed nervously and hopped off her desk. “If you get sick, it’s totally my fault.”
“It’s okay,” she repeated as she rolled her eyes and with a smile. Then she leaned her head back and poured the water into her open mouth. She screwed the cap back on and stood up to go to the recycling bin. James called himself a dumbass pervert as he tried to erase from his mind the image of her mouth wide open to take in falling liquid.
Now that he thought about it, he usually made hot girls unknowingly be in those kinds of positions for his X-rated daydreams, but this time he hadn’t even thought about doing that with Selah. She was way too innocent and sweet to be the subject of his perverted daydreams.
But he couldn’t deny he sometimes wondered what it would be like to kiss her. As far as he knew, though, he bet she didn’t even date, let alone make out, while he had more than his fair share of half-assed break-ups and various kinds of kisses. Clearly, he wasn’t the goody-two-shoes type of guy Selah deserved.
She came back to her seat at the same time the bell rang and Miss Heaney started class. Failing to pay attention, he couldn’t help but think about how incompatible he was with Selah. The feelings his nightmare evoked in him earlier that morning returned, with the reminder that he was a fake and she didn’t even know it. She deserved a guy that revealed who he really was to her without feeling crappy about himself, a guy that didn’t use her best friend’s slutty image for his own, a guy that wasn’t so dirty-minded it would disgust Selah, a guy that she hadn’t hated so much to completely shun him when she left.
As a matter of fact, why did she seem okay with him now, but back then she hated him so much to completely ignore him? He still needed to ask her, in person, what went down in seventh grade. But he could only do it at a place where none of his friends would appear out of thin air.
After the bell rang to end class, he asked her, “Where are you going after school?”
“The public library. I’m gonna tutor some kids.”
Of course she would do something like that. He stifled a smile since he felt he did too much of that around her. “Can I come with you? I just wanna talk to you about something.”
“Oh, you do?” she asked as she wrinkled her eyebrows.
“Don’t worry. It’s kinda serious, but it’s not too bad. I hope.”
She seemed to think for a moment as she zipped her backpack. “Sure, I’m just gonna walk to the library. It’s just a block away.”
“Sweet.”
“Where do you wanna meet up?” she asked.
“How about my locker? It’s in the English building. The number is...I forgot.” In the many times he went to that locker, he did it so subconsciously that he forgot the number, and he was pretty sure he lost the piece of paper that had it too.
“Okay, I’ll look for ‘I forgot,’” Selah said.
He laughed. “Shit, I’m trying to remember. Oh! Twenty-eight.”
She took some steps toward the doorway and waved at him. “See you then,” she said with another of her gorgeous smiles. Waving back and watching her leave, he hadn’t realized he was sitting there for so long until someone in the next period that had his desk stood in front of him and gave him a weird look.
“Sorry,” he murmured as he packed up and headed to his next class.
The rest of the school day wasn’t as bad as the morning, except his last period when he frequently checked the clock for the time when he’d see Selah again. When the bell finally rang, he blocked out his Physics teacher saying something about the homework due tomorrow and packed up his things before exiting the classroom.
When he entered the hallway in the English building, he instantly spotted Selah leaning back against his locker. He almost jogged to her while trying to keep a straight face.
“Hey,” she said as soon as she saw him and stood up.
“Hey,” he breathed.
They started walking down the hallway toward the front of the school. “So what did you need to ask me?” she said.
The excitement of seeing her melted away as he felt bad knowing he was about to put her on the spot about why she left.
“So… I’m really glad that we have a class together this year, ‘cause we legit never saw each other throughout high school. Basically, I’m just really glad we’re talking again.”
She nodded. “Me too.”
“Yeah. But I always wondered why you--” He felt a nudge against his right arm, and he turned to see Gary.
Why couldn’t he share at least one moment alone with Selah at school?
“Hey, James,” Gary said with a grin.
James was able to stop himself from making an eyeroll. “Hey. Where’s Dave?” It was really, really rare seeing them apart.
Gary’s grin faltered slightly. “He’s with Abby, which I think is dumb ‘cause they already hung out a lot at lunch.” He made a face.
“Well, you don’t need to hang out with him all the time.”
“I guess so.” He sighed. “Well, I’m gonna head home. I might go with Carter and Becca to Cucina Mia later. Wanna come?”
“I’m good.” The fact that Christy would be there was enough to make him ditch regardless.
“See ya.” Gary waved at him and Selah before going the opposite direction of the hallway.
Selah and James continued walking, with the latter hoping there wouldn’t be any more interruptions.
“Sorry, where were we?” he asked.
She smiled. “You’re glad that we’re talking again.”
Nodding, he said, “Right. And, I don’t wanna sound super nosy, but…” He glanced at her watching him intently. She seemed like she would understand, so he might as well just say it already. “I wanna know why you suddenly left in middle school. Like, I tried calling you, and I went to your house, but you just didn’t talk to me. And now, I guess, things are okay again. But what happened?”
As they got to the sidewalk in front of the school, Selah kept her eyes on the concrete and bit her lip. He was dying for her to look at him, until she said, “I feel like I knew you were gonna ask me that.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. You have every right to wonder why I left.”
He didn’t know what to say and instead waited, thinking maybe she needed some time to think. When he glanced at her, she was still biting her lip.
Then finally, she said, “The day before I left school, I...um...tried to kill myself.”
James felt like he got stunned as his blood ran cold. “What?”
“Yeah.” She lowered her head. “I heard that my real dad from Hawaii died in prison. But now I know it was stupid to feel bad about that, ‘cause he...hurt me a lot. But, yeah. I was in a really dark place when I found out he was gone.” She briefly looked up at James then back down at the ground. “So Emily and Logan thought I needed to stay at home to get better. And I stopped talking to you ‘cause I was too depressed to feel like I could be friends with you anymore. I was too ashamed, I guess.”
So she hadn’t been angry with James after all. Then he pictured seventh-grade Selah looking miserable because she lost her real dad.
“Did he, um, give you away?” he asked.
“No. After we moved to California, our new neighbors heard him and called the police.”
He wanted to ask her so many other questions, including about her real mom and where she was, but he was scared he might end up saying something wrong or even hurt her when he didn’t mean to.
But what he knew so far was already a lot. All this time, James didn’t know anything about her real parents. He just assumed the reason why they made her a foster kid was that they decided to give birth to her though they didn’t want her. But the actual reason turned out to be much worse.
“Are you still mad at me?” Selah asked quietly.
He stared at her in disbelief. “Why would I be mad?”
“I just thought…you must’ve really, really hated me for not talking to you back then. And I get it if you still hate me. I was really mean to you, I know that now. It was my fault for being depressed for no reason.”
“But your dad died. How can you not be depressed from that?”
She didn’t say anything, instead wiping a single tear from her eye.
Crap, she was crying. He always felt uncomfortable whenever someone cried. When his exes cried, he usually hugged them, rubbed their backs, and complimented them. Almost all of them liked it when he did that, and it made the air between them less awkward.
He reached out to grab Selah’s hand and stopped walking, making her stop too, but she looked at anything but him. He pulled her into a hug, and when she hugged back, he forgot all about the tactics he used to comfort girls that cried. Hugging her a little tighter, he whispered, “It’s okay. I’m not mad. I would never be mad.”
“Thanks,” she said, her voice muffled in his shoulder.
After a while, he pulled back to see her turning away and wiping her eyes with her sleeves. “Sorry,” she murmured. “I cry a lot for no reason.”
He didn’t quite know what to say anymore, or even know what to do to lighten up the air between them. He looked around until he found the public library pretty close to them.
“Wanna race to the library?” he asked without thinking.
She suddenly grinned, which was all it took to encourage him to follow through with his random and probably stupid idea. “We don’t need to race--”
“Ready, set, go!”
He took off and heard her footsteps behind him. As the library got closer, he glanced sideways to see her slowly catch up to him. And she wasn’t crying anymore, which was all that mattered.
He slowed down for her to be a step ahead of him until they reached the library entrance, hungrily gasping for air. After taking a few more breaths, he looked up to see Selah smiling.
“That was fun,” she breathed. “And you totally let me win.”
“No, I got tired at the end.”
She wrinkled her eyebrows at him. “Sure.”
The library entrance opened with two Asian kids, a boy and a girl, running out to play tag.
Selah straightened and adjusted her backpack. “Thanks for walking with me. And running.”
“No problem.”
She gave him a smile warm enough for him to feel it on the inside. “I really am glad we’re friends again,” she said.
“Oh. Yeah.” He hoped his face hid his sadness at the word “friends.” “Me too.”
She waved at him as she turned to the entrance.
Then he remembered something. “Wait!”
She stopped. “Yes?”
“My mom says hi. And you can visit sometime. During the day.”
With another smile, she said, “Of course.” Then she turned back to the entrance.
The two giggling Asian kids ran all over the area in front of the library entrance. He wondered if he and Selah would’ve been like that if they had met earlier than seventh grade. But if they did, things would be a lot different from how they were now.
And now, he felt beyond thankful to have Selah in his life again.
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