“So if you graph a quadratic function like this one,” Mrs. Hayashida said as she pointed to an equation, “it’ll be a parabola, like this.” She drew a sketch of the graph.
“Why is it shaped like that?” Selah asked.
“Well, if you square a variable, it will always give positive y-values on the graph, so that’s why both sides of the parabola go up. Does that make sense?”
Selah nodded as she copied Mrs. H’s sketch. “Yeah. Thank you.”
“I’m glad I could help,” Mrs. H said with a smile, then she checked the clock above the librarian’s desk. “It’s almost three-thirty.”
Selah checked the clock too. “Oh, already?”
“Sadly, yes.” She started putting away papers and folders. “Did you know you’re the only student to ever ask me for homework help?”
“You’re a good teacher.”
“Even though I’ve only been your substitute teacher a few times?”
Selah shrugged. “Yeah.”
Mrs. H stopped packing her things and leaned over the table toward Selah. “If you ever need my help on Algebra or anything else, you’re always free to ask me.”
Selah smiled. The woman’s brown eyes were so warm and comforting that Selah felt like she could be honest with her. Mrs. H somehow recognized Selah though the latter felt like no one even saw her. Even when Emily and Logan adopted her last year, Selah still didn’t feel like she belonged in this place. No matter how many foster homes she moved to, every night she cried thinking about her real home on the Big Island.
Maybe the fact that Mrs. H was also born and raised in Hawaii made her the only adult in Selah’s life that she could truly count on?
Short shuffling noises came from the speaker next to the clock until a woman’s voice said, “All school faculty must meet in the teacher’s lounge at four o’clock. Thank you.”
Mrs. H sighed as she put away the rest of her things. “Another meeting about some teacher selling drugs to students, and all it took was some gossip to go around. I bet there isn’t really a teacher who would do that.”
“The teacher selling weed?”
“Yes. You know about it?”
Selah bit her lip. She knew exactly who it was and whom he was selling to, but she had already sworn not to tell anyone. Christy Vargas had made that extra clear when Selah caught her buying from him in his classroom.
Mrs. H, looking confused and interested, leaned closer to Selah. “Do you know something, Selah?”
Selah twirled her hair with her fingers. Should she tell her? Should she not? Then she looked back up at Mrs. H seeming to be genuinely concerned. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to tell her what she knew.
“It’s Mr. Keane.”
Mrs. H widened her eyes. “Isn’t he a social studies teacher?”
Selah nodded. “A lot of kids go to him after school.”
Mrs. H seemed to notice someone at the library entrance, and Selah turned to see Mr. Moore, the vice principal, walk in and talk to the librarian. Mrs. H immediately stood up. “I’ll be right back, Selah.”
“Oh, okay.” Was she going to tell him? But Selah wasn’t trying to get in trouble. She instantly felt stupid for telling her she even knew anything. She should’ve kept her mouth shut, as that was the best way to avoid trouble.
She watched as they talked for a brief moment, before Mr. Moore directed his eyes at Selah, and she could only stare back like a deer in the headlights. What if the vice principal was going to ask her a lot of questions? What if she said the wrong thing and he’d put her in detention or something? What if Emily and Logan found out and gave her away to another adoptive family? They were the kindest parents she ever had, with such a beautiful big house and a sweet maid. Getting moved was so tiring and confusing, and she didn’t know if she’d be put with good or bad parents.
She took a deep breath as the adults approached her. She always felt like she was caught in trouble by adults, and she didn’t want to mess things up any more than she already had. It took everything in her to hold back the tears in her eyes. Sometimes she got so sensitive that she’d end up crying in public.
“Hello, there,” Mr. Moore said with a smile. “Selah, right?”
She nodded.
“I’d like to speak with you in my office. Is that okay?”
She glanced at Mrs. H who was nodding, then back at Mr. Moore. “Okay.”
On the way to his office, Selah really wanted to make up an excuse to not talk to Mr. Moore, but she also didn’t want to interrupt Mrs. H as she kept talking to him about Mr. Keane. She seemed to really care about what was going on, and Selah realized there was no turning back from this. It was too late. She wanted to kick herself for starting all of this.
All three entered the office, but then Mr. Moore said to Mrs. H, “I’d like to speak to Selah alone, please.”
Mrs. H seemed to hesitate before nodding and leaving the room. Selah’s hands fidgeted on her lap as Mr. Moore settled behind his desk and moved some of his things around. Then he faced Selah and folded his hands.
“I want to ask you just a few questions, then you can go home. I promise.” After a pause, he continued, “Do you know who Mr. Keane has sold drugs to?”
“Um…”
“It’s okay to tell me their names. I won’t mention your name to anyone. Believe me.”
“Well, I can’t remember their names, but I know some kids in his classes bought from him.”
“Do you know how they paid?”
“Um, money I guess.”
“Do you know how much? Any specific price?”
Selah took a moment to search her memory.
“It’s alright if you don’t kn--”
“I know some of them paid lots of money, but Christy didn’t--” Selah shut her mouth as soon as she realized what she had just revealed. She was so stupid. How could she let that slip so easily?
Mr. Moore scooted his chair forward. “Christy? You mean Christina Vargas?” The corners of his lips lifted.
Selah stayed mute, wanting to get out of there as fast as possible.
He sighed. “I think you’re not telling me something, Selah. It’s really important that I know everyone involved in Mr. Keane’s crimes. Please tell me everything that you know.”
She shook her head. “I already said what I know.”
“What about Christy?”
She shook her head again.
Mr. Moore exhaled through his nose as he stood with his hands flat on his desk. “If you keep lying to me, I could get Mrs. Fayers--the principal--to get you suspended.”
“What?” Tears burned the backs of her eyes.
“I don’t think your parents would want that, would they?”
The memories of moving away from Hawaii came back, and her first adoptive mother seeming so kind at first, until she brought Selah home and became angry at her all the time, even when Selah thought she didn’t do anything wrong. There was never food, warmth, or safety in that apartment. She didn’t want to go back to that kind of place again.
“Please don’t suspend me,” she whispered as tears ran down her cheeks. “I don’t want them to be mad at me.”
He sat back down in his seat and gave a smile. “Then tell me what you know about Christy.”
Sniffling, she said, “She’s, um, doing inappropriate things to him.”
“What inappropriate things?”
“He was taking off his pants. And she was o-on her...knees.” She held onto her elbows and shuddered at the memory.
Mr. Moore leaned back in his chair with a strange grin on his face. Why would the vice principal be happy about this? But she didn’t think of asking, as she felt she had said and done enough.
“Can I go now?” she asked weakly.
He stared at her for a moment before saying, “Go ahead. Thank you.”
She lifted herself off the chair and left the office in what felt like less than a second. Mrs. H stood up when she saw Selah. “What did he say?”
“He, um, asked me questions.”
“What questions? Wait, are you crying, sweetie?”
“He asked about the kids buying from Mr. Keane.” She wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
Mrs. H took a few tissues from the front desk and kneeled down in front of Selah to give them to her. “You don't have to say any more. Do you need to call your parents to pick you up?”
She shook her head. “I think Em--I mean, my mom, is outside.”
“Alright.” Mrs. H stood up and walked with her to the front of the school. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Selah spent the next couple of days avoiding Christy as much as she could. Even though Mr. Moore had said he wouldn’t mention Selah’s name to anyone, she just had this weird and awful feeling every time she saw Christy in the halls or in class. If Christy found out, Selah would be done for.
After Selah waited in the lunch line and bought a sandwich, she started heading toward Mrs. H’s classroom room. But when she turned the corner, Christy was blocking the way and stopped her short.
“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone,” Christy spit.
Selah froze as the hairs on her arms stood on end. “I-I…”
“Don’t you see what he’s gonna do to me now?”
“Mr. Moore?”
“Yeah! He’s gonna bust my ass and I could get expelled. And he already has other crap against me. I can’t let him win!”
Selah knit her eyebrows together. “What does he have against you?”
Christy shook her head. “No, I’m not telling you any other shit. I can’t believe you just tattletaled on me! Are you a special kind of stupid?”
“N-no…” Selah could feel the tears coming out already. “I just didn’t wanna get suspended. My parents would’ve been mad and then give me away to some other family. I hate moving to a different house all the time.”
“Wait a second,” Christy said. “You’re adopted?”
But before Selah could respond, Christy laughed out loud. “Wow, you’re so screwed up. Your real parents didn’t want you, huh?”
“No, the police took me away from my dad--”
“So your dad was screwed up? Maybe that’s why he raised you to be a fucking tattletale.”
“Christy, I’m sorry--”
“Sorry doesn’t change anything. Just wait till everyone hears how screwed up you are.”
“No, please…”
“Well that’s what you get for fucking telling on me! Fuck you.”
As Selah walked to Calculus, she hoped her lecture to James yesterday didn’t make him hate her. She just couldn’t stand seeing an old friend actually liking the worst girl she ever knew. She would’ve rather given him the rant than watch him get used and torn apart by Christy Vargas. For all Selah knew, Christy might’ve done more damage to other people than just Paige and Selah.
When Selah walked into the classroom, she immediately spotted James, who stood up as soon as he saw her with a strange look on his face. She glanced down at the floor and went straight to her seat. She knew it: he was mad. He didn’t want to talk to her anymore. She blew her chance at reconciling with him this year.
After she sat down, she started taking out her notebook and pencil when she saw James’s Vans in the corner of her eye. She looked up to see him with his hands in the pouch of his hoodie and his shoulders hunched.
“Hey, Selah,” he said quietly. “What you said yesterday was totally true. And I, um, wanna say thanks for that.”
She stared at him. “Really?”
“Yeah, and… I dumped Christy yesterday.”
Her jaw dropped. Did she scare him off that much yesterday? “Was it ‘cause of me?”
“Um, well, it was a lot of things. Like, I just kinda knew she was a psycho, even before you told me about her. And that rumor she started about Paige, that was just messed up.”
“So you think Paige isn’t what Christy says?”
“No way.” He shook his head. “I know Paige, and what Christy said sounded nothing like her.”
“Really? How do you know Paige?”
James seemed to get stumped as he drew a long pause. Then he blurted out, “We had a lot of classes together. In middle and high school.”
“Oh, okay.”
Then the bell rang. Selah smiled at James taking his new seat next to her. “Why did you follow me around yesterday?”
He shrugged. “I knew you were mad so I wanted to talk to you.”
It was definitely her fault for making him decide to sit next to her. “Are you sure you didn’t want to sit anywhere else?”
“Well, I still wanted to sit next to you anyway. Is that okay?”
“Oh, um, yeah. I was just thinking that… nevermind.” She bit her lip.
“What?”
“I thought that after I yelled at you and sort of made you dump Christy, you’d be, you know, mad at me…?”
He shook his head. “I’m not mad at you for that. I mean, I was the idiot not seeing Christy for who she was, and you had to yell at me to make me see it. And honestly, you never yell.”
“Oh, yeah.” She stared at the top of her desk. “Christy’s done a lot of...bad things. Even to me.”
“Like what?”
She could still remember the taunts kids made to her, most of which weren’t even true. She wasn’t an orphan and hadn’t run away from the foster mother before Emily and Logan, and she hadn’t even thought of committing suicide at the time.
She sighed. “She spread lots of rumors about me and then all the kids made fun of me.”
“Shit, really? Even back then she was spreading rumors?”
“Yeah.”
“Weren’t people talking about you being an orphan or some shit?”
She nodded. “But that was a while ago, you know. Kids can be mean.” She shrugged, but she had to admit to herself their words still sometimes triggered strong emotional responses from her. As well as the things her real dad and first foster mom did to her.
Miss Heaney stood up from her desk. “Sorry, I had to take a call. Let’s get started, shall we?”
Selah opened her notebook to a new page as she tried to not be too aware of James’s presence, but failing. With a few pieces of paper on his desk, he leaned back lazily in his chair and chewed the tip of his pen.
She made a face at him, and when he noticed, he said, “What?”
“That’s gross.”
He looked at his pen and shrugged.
“You’re eating the pen, and you don’t know where it’s been.”
“Yeah, in my mouth.”
She smiled and shook her head, but then he pointed the pen towards her and tried to touch her with it, but she squealed, “Ew, no!”
“Selah, James,” Miss Heaney said from the white board. “Pay attention.”
Selah sunk lower in her seat as all the eyes in the room were looking at her and James. She had never been called out in class before, but now that she had, she knew her cheeks were turning a bright red as she kept her eyes on her notebook.
When Miss Heaney resumed teaching, Selah turned her head to James’s direction, and he was holding back laughter. She rolled her eyes as she started taking notes.
The bell rang to end class less than an hour later, with James thankfully staying quiet the whole time. He was just so embarrassing yet funny at the same time.
After packing up, she left the classroom, but then she heard James say, “Wait!” after her. She turned and waited for him to catch up.
“Do I have your number?” he asked.
“No.” While she waited for him to type his number on her phone, she couldn’t quite get why he was so talkative to her all of a sudden. When the year started they had been practically avoiding each other.
“I was thinking we could study together for the test next week. You down?” he asked.
“Oh.” She usually studied by herself, and occasionally helping Angela with Angela helping her. But studying with James? It was exactly like old times. “Sure.”
“Library on Thursday? After school?”
“Okay.”
He took a long look at her, long enough to make her slightly blush in embarrassment, until he said, “See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
His sweet smile did a weird thing to her heart that made it beat faster. His smile always turned dreary days into bright ones. It was a smile full of sunshine that drove away the dark memories that convinced her she didn’t deserve the life she had now with Emily and Logan.
It was good to be talking to James again, even though he deserved a friend much less broken than her. A friend who wasn’t taking so many pills daily, who couldn’t remember the things she did to herself without curling up into a ball and crying, who couldn’t be in complete darkness without thinking she was being locked in a closet. She was a complete mess compared to the Selah he knew in seventh grade.
As she smiled back to him, she realized she didn’t have to scare him off by revealing what had happened that made her leave school for a whole year. He was better off with his ignorance.
Even if it meant holding back the worst parts of who she was.
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