Trigger warnings: homophobia, bullying the disabled799Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPVew047Vb
799Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyCtDJtacj
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Dude, Dave texted, are u coming or not?
James spit into the bathroom sink and picked up his phone from the counter. It was the third time Dave had asked him to hang out with Carter and Andrew, and James was feeling annoyed enough to actually go. After how Carter had been treating Kylie and Becca, as well as Dave rejecting Gary, James didn’t really want to be around his friends anymore.
As for Dave, though James didn’t hear the full story--as the only thing Gary told him was that Dave rejected him--James couldn’t see Dave the same way anymore.
But it wasn’t Dave’s fault, since he was as straight as they came, and he always regarded Gary as a really close friend but nothing more. With Dave being all over Abby and her him, Gary’s revelation wasn’t the most ideal thing for Dave at the time.
James wondered what Dave was thinking, but he didn’t ask because, had Dave not known that James knew before the revelation, Dave might get pissed at him. Plus, they rarely talked about deep and personal stuff.
Then Dave sent another message: I really need to talk to you too…
James’s heart beat faster. Did Dave need to talk about Gary? James might as well go out with the group then, but just for Dave. James really wanted to hear his side, and his friend might need an extra opinion.
Ok, James said. When are you coming?
Sweet, thanks!! Five min.
James styled his black hair with gel before putting his wallet in his back pocket and heading downstairs. After he closed the front door behind him, he leaned against Mom’s SUV in the driveway and got lost in thought.
He couldn’t help but imagine all the things Dave might say. Was he beyond shocked to see his best friend in love with him? Or had he known--deep down--the whole time? If he’d known, did he think of Gary as less than a friend?
That last thought made James look at the ground and sigh. Having been around Carter with his homophobic ways, Dave could’ve very well been homophobic too.
The engine of Dave’s car sounded, and James looked up to see him making a three-point turn until the black car stopped in front of the house. Taking a deep breath, James stepped toward the car, opened the passenger door, and sat inside.
No one was in the backseat, which made James want to sigh again in relief that he could talk to Dave alone. But when James finally looked at him, the latter’s brown eyes were so sad that James wondered who on Earth hurt him.
But he remembered Dave actually hurt someone else.
“James,” he started, “I feel like shit.”
James blinked a few times, his mouth agape. What could he say to comfort a friend he’d never tried to comfort before?
Then Dave propped an elbow on the car door and stared out the windshield. “Ever since the party on Friday, Gary started acting really weird. And then he took me out to this new diner the next day, and I just knew he was gonna tell me something. I thought he was mad about Abby being a bitch or something, which I get ‘cause she’s been taking up all my time.” Then he said quickly, “But he started talking about all these things like how we’ve been friends for so long and how he doesn’t like girls and…”
James waited for Dave to continue as the latter ran a hand over his face.
“And right when I knew what he was gonna say,” Dave said, his eyes moving to James, “he was like, ‘I’m in love with you.’ And…”
James’s eyes stayed on Dave’s hand fidgeting on his lap. The hand went up and across his face again, then he clenched his fist.
It had been quiet for at least thirty seconds, so James decided to speak. “You still talking to him?”
Dave shook his head. “I told him I needed a break--you know, to think about this.”
James nodded in understanding. “What else did you say?”
“You already know,” Dave said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “He said he told you and Selah already, so I’m pretty fucking sure he told you what happened after.”
James swallowed hard. “Well, yeah, I know the gist. But I dunno what you actually said.”
Letting out a breath, Dave stared out his window. “I just told him I’ve always seen him as a friend, and he always will be. And then he broke down and I felt so fucking guilty.” He looked down, prompting James to lay a palm on his friend’s hunched shoulder. If Dave was going to cry, James would get completely awkward, which was the last thing Dave would’ve needed. If only Selah was here to save the day.
Before James would take his hand away, as it didn’t feel like it helped, Dave mumbled, “I feel like I should’ve known. I thought he was just super clingy, but now, it all makes sense. And everything’s so fucking awkward now.” He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better,” James said slowly, “it’s not your fault you don’t feel the same way. And I think, more than anything, he wants to at least stay friends.”
“Even though I’m being an asshole to him?”
“Well…you were being honest and you clearly feel bad, so I don’t think you’re being an asshole. Like, at all. And Gary was scared you wouldn’t be friends anymore if he told you.”
“But of course we’re still friends…I mean yeah, things feel different now, and he’s gonna keep hurting...but I do wanna keep being friends.”
James smiled. “Then you should tell him that.”
Dave said nothing and just stared out the windshield. A ding in the cup holder next to him sounded, and he picked his phone up to see a message, followed by a sigh. “Andrew doesn’t wanna hang out.”
“Why not?”
He shrugged. “Maybe ‘cause of Colette.”
“Yeah.” After Colette dumped Andrew at Mila’s party, he’d been quieter than usual. When James once asked him if he wanted to talk about it, Andrew rejected his offer. Most of the time he stayed home, and when he did go out with the group, he didn’t say much. James left him alone since he assumed it was a breakup that would need getting over with in a few days.
But after about a week, Colette turned out to be no ordinary ex to Andrew.
James and Dave decided to go to Andrew’s house anyway, with James mostly wanting to see what was up with his friend.
Dave’s black car came to a stop in front of Andrew’s two-story house. Dave and James jogged up to the front porch, with James texting Andrew to answer the door and Dave ringing the doorbell. When Andrew left the message on ‘read,’ James sighed and rang the doorbell again.
The door swung open to reveal Andrew, who had on just shorts and a glare. “I’m not going,” he spat.
“Why?” Dave asked.
“Because Carter.”
“What about him?” James said.
Andrew stared at each of them. “Don’t act like you don’t know.” When he didn’t receive an answer, he exclaimed, “Ugh! Carter’s hooking up with Colette! I don’t wanna be around that fuckface anymore.”
James widened his eyes at Dave, then at Andrew. “They...really?”
“Yeah! You didn’t know?”
“When?”
“They made it official today.”
James rubbed the back of his neck. “I...had...no idea.” He turned to Dave. “You?”
Dave shook his head. “I thought it was just that one night after you broke up with her.”
“Uh, no.” Andrew crossed his arms. “That fucking douche is going out with Colette. And he didn’t even break up with Christy.”
“Oh, fuck,” James muttered. “She’s gonna be so pissed.” Knowing her psychotic tendencies, James was lucky enough to have her stay hush-hush about his rumor with Paige, as he assumed he was useless to Christy ever since their breakup. But with Carter, who was a triple-douchebag, becoming the next possible target, she might unleash the same hostility she’d given Paige again and again.
“Carter deserves it,” Andrew murmured. “You don’t just hook up with your friend’s ex right after they broke up. It’s fucked up.”
James nodded, then felt shocked as he watched Andrew sulk in front of him. Andrew was usually chill and didn’t try to be committed to girls in general, except for Colette as it turned out. He seemed to be over her after their breakup last year, but perhaps he was learning with James that he never really got over her. And James wanted to kick himself for not realizing it soon enough.
Just like he didn’t realize Gary’s feelings for Dave soon enough.
Andrew waved them away. “Just go, okay? I’m not hanging out with Carter anymore.”
As Dave gave James a look and shrugged, the pair waved Andrew goodbye and headed back to the car. Then they drove to Carter’s house in silence.
At a red light, Dave said suddenly, “Gary sent me a voicemail last night.”
“Oh.”
“Every time I listen to it I feel even shittier.” He pulled out his phone and went to the list of voicemails. “Just listen and you’ll see what I mean.”
James held the phone to his ear. “Hey, I’m calling instead of texting ‘cause...I guess talking to you feels better than typing everything. Well, anyway. What happened at the diner was pretty awkward, huh? But what else should I expect when I finally came out to you? Oh, crap. Just saying that out loud felt weird. Well, anyway. If you wanna ask me anything, just hit me up and I’ll do my best to answer. Or you can rant to me. Really, anything you wanna say to me, just tell me. Just don’t leave me hanging forever, okay?” There was a long pause. “Talk to you later, I guess.” The voicemail ended.
Dave had entered Carter’s neighborhood at some point during the voicemail. Though he didn’t need to, James replayed it just for Dave’s sake. Dave parked in front of Carter’s house and turned off the engine at the same time the voicemail ended. The car got a bit stuffy, so James lowered his window, and he sneaked a sideways glance at Dave.
“Imagine having your best friend in love with you,” Dave said with his eyes downward. “The last thing you wanna do is hurt them, you know?”
Before James could think of a reply to that, a silhouette outside his window stopped his heart. He turned to see Carter wearing smug expression. “Hey, y’all. What you talking about?”
“Uh…” James started, but then Carter snatched the phone out of his hand. “Hey, what the fuck?” James said, and he opened the door and scrambled out to take back the phone, but Carter was already running toward the back of the car and holding the phone to his ear.
“Who uses voicemail anymore?” Carter said.
“Come on, give it back!” Dave said, running toward him, but the latter had the former in a headlock as he continued to listen to the voicemail. Then Carter’s smug expression turned into disgust, which then morphed into anger.
“I knew he was a fag,” Carter said through his teeth.
Dave stilled before pulling himself out of Carter’s hold. It was silent, save for the engine of a van passing by.
Carter tossed the phone to Dave as if it were the grossest thing he’d ever touched. “Are you a fag too?” Carter growled.
“No, I’m not,” Dave murmured. “But can you please stop saying that word?”
Carter scoffed. “Fag? But that’s what he is! A homosexual! It’s a fucking mental disease!”
“It actually isn’t,” Dave replied.
“He’s just fucking up your mind. Or has he actually fucked you?”
“No, we’re not like that--”
“You fucking stay away from him. Don’t talk to him anymore.”
Dave was mute. James could only imagine how awful he was feeling now.
“You too,” Carter snapped at James.
The silence that followed seemed to anger Carter when he said, “I’m driving. I’m gonna show y’all how fucking insane gays like him are.”
The silent pair followed suit, with Carter driving out of the neighborhood and north toward a shopping center. James felt too paralyzed to say a single thing. Carter’s demeanor brought back the bad kind of déjà vu of all the bullshit he pulled in eighth grade after Selah left.
Carter parked in the lot in front of a Walmart and slammed the car door before striding toward the store. The pair reluctantly followed behind him as the trio entered the store and went to the candy section. Dave shrugged at James’s questioning look while Carter grabbed a few packs of sour gummy worms.
Then the trio reached the row of cash registers at the front of the store, with Carter choosing a register that required a lot more items to check out. As they waited, James noticed a disabled, dark-haired boy looking slightly older than James. Though the boy had a limp and some leg spasms, they didn’t stop him from walking a normal pace as he walked around the counter to pull a stray shopping cart away from the register. He grabbed items with small, somewhat stiff hands and plunged his bony arms into a plastic bag. His freckled face looked very familiar.
Was he related to Paige?
James gasped. Was it Jerry, her disabled older brother?
If Carter was going to do what James thought he was going to do, James didn’t want to watch. Did Carter need to once again stoop to being the asshole he used to be in middle school?
Carter turned his bitter gaze to Dave. “This is what a fag really is.”
With a somber look, Dave stayed mute.
As soon as it was Carter’s turn in line, Jerry looked up and froze. James could practically feel the shock, as well as some guilt and shame. He wasn’t personally disabled, but he personally knew some disabled people. Their disabilities weren’t their fault, but at this point it was too late to tell Carter that.
“Hey...remember me, Jerry?” Carter said, taking his time saying each word.
As Jerry grew pale, he visibly gulped. “Hey, Carter.”
“You got a job now, huh? And you’re walking.” Carter looked him up and down. “You never did that when my dad took care of you. You never appreciated him. I bet you don’t even appreciate Nolan fucking Perez.”
“I...I actually do like him,” Jerry stammered. “He’s so much better than your dad ever was.”
Carter slammed the packs of sour gummy worms on the counter, earning looks from a few people. “You just like him ‘cause he’s rich enough to pay for all your problems!”
“You and your dad acted like...like my problems were the worst things to ever happen to me! Like I was a weirdo for just having them!”
Carter shook his head. “You’re making this shit up. Maybe you have bad memory too. You should have Nolan fix that up for you too, huh? You ungrateful piece of shit.”
“Go to a different cashier to check out for you,” Jerry said under his breath.
“Sorry, what did you say? I can’t fucking understand you ‘cause you can’t even talk right.”
Jerry shook his head and backed away. “Just leave me alone,” he said, his voice cracking.
Then Carter glared daggers at Dave. “This how these mentally ill people are like. They act like they deserve to be treated right just because of their problems. He plays the victim all the damn time.”
A female cashier approached. “Excuse me. You need to leave before I get my manager.”
Carter forced out a laugh. “What for? Believe me, we know each other. We’re just joking around.”
“You need to get him,” Jerry said to the young brunette woman. “He’s harassing me.”
Carter scoffed. “I’m not harassing you when I’m saying the truth. Like how you act like you forgot my dad existed, you know, when he was nice to you and your family. You’re a fucking idiot, Jerry. You ain’t normal, and you never will be when you’re walking around like you’re one of us.”
“If you’re gonna fight,” the cashier said, “please take this outside.”
Carter raised his hands up. “Nah, no fight. I didn’t even want these.” He threw the bags of sour gummy worms at Jerry who caught them. “Put those away for me, will ya? If it’s not too hard for you.” And with that, he stomped out of the store and grumbled to himself.
The cashier rubbed Jerry’s back and whispered soothing things to him as he broke down. Filled with anger and disgust and hatred, James marched outside with Dave close behind.
“What the hell was that for?” James yelled when he reached Carter pacing outside.
“That shit is not okay,” Dave followed up.
“You know what’s not okay?” Carter responded. “You being friends with a fag as retarded as…as that.”
“How could you hate someone so much to say all that bullshit?” Dave asked.
“You don’t have the full story, okay?”
James shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. What you did back there? Not even a little bit okay. You’re fucked up.”
“Oh, wow,” Carter said, backing away. “So y’all are siding with truly fucked up people like Jerry? And Gary?”
“Gary isn’t mentally ill!” Dave exclaimed. “He’s just gay!”
Carter shook his head.
“Isn’t he still a friend to you?”
“Not anymore,” Carter said, gritting his teeth.
With his hands on his hips, Dave breathed faster and faster. He frowned at the ground, then back up at Carter. “You’re a fucking psycho. A homophobe. A bully. And you know what? I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Walk home.” And he turned away and went back inside the store.
Carter looked at James, who was so upset he could’ve punched the wall of the store. Instead, he said, “Fuck you.” And he jogged to catch up with Dave. Neither of them looked back once.
When James reached Dave at the place where the incident happened, a few employees huddled around Jerry and comforted him.
Jerry was innocent, regardless of the past he had with Carter. Throughout the exchange with Carter, Jerry never even once returned the same hostility.
As if on cue, Jerry turned his head to see the pair and pointed. “Them.”
James’s blood ran cold. Though he hadn’t said a word during the exchange with Carter, he felt a bone-deep shame when several pairs of eyes burned him. The bad déjà vu feeling came back to him, but this time in the pit of his stomach that made him want to throw up.
Dave raised his hands and came to a stop by the group. “That was all Carter, okay?”
The female cashier from before pointed too. “They were with him.”
“But we had nothing to do with this,” Dave continued.
She glared. “You didn’t try stopping your friend, did you?”
A middle-aged man with a “Manager” nametag stepped forward. “Can you two please leave the store before I call the police?”
James gave Dave a sad look, and as everyone continued to stare, James nudged Dave’s arm. “Let’s go.”
James swore he could still feel the scorching gazes on his back while he walked with Dave to the car in silence. When they reached the car, Dave leaned back against the trunk, his eyes turning red. James put his hand on his shoulder as Dave buried his face in his hands.
“Carter’s a fucking psycho,” Dave whispered. “I knew he was gonna kick Gary out of the group just ‘cause he’s gay, but to embarrass Jerry? I guess Carter never changed.”
“I know. It’s fucked up.” James took his hand away and leaned against the car next to his friend.
It was as though he’d been reliving all the pranks Carter started with the group way back in eighth grade, and they were sometimes awful to kids smaller and weaker than them. James thought Carter had grown out of the bully phase with the evil thoughts still ingrained in his mind, but it seemed that those thoughts still manifested themselves at any given moment.
Paige was going to be very, very pissed. She was so close to losing it with James at this point, and right when he was finally ready to let go of his regrets. After all, things were finally looking up for him and Selah.
In the corner of his eye, he saw Jerry leaving the store.
“Hey,” James said with his elbow touching Dave’s. “Let’s talk to him.”
“Isn’t he mad at us?” Dave hissed, though he followed James running toward the entrance anyway.
As soon as they reached Jerry, he looked up and backed away. “What do you want?”
“Look, we just wanna say sorry,” James said, panting. “We don’t know what happened with you and Carter, but what he did was completely messed up.”
Jerry seemed to be at a loss for words.
“We’re not friends with him anymore,” Dave said. “We broke it off like five minutes ago.”
Jerry scuffed the heel of his shoe against the sidewalk. “I believe you.”
“Really?” the pair said in unison before James sighed in relief.
“Yeah. Carter’s always been like that to me. I thought he was gonna leave me alone after all this time, but...I guess he still lives in the past.”
James and Dave nodded. Then James said, “Where are you going?”
“Oh, I’m calling my sister to pick me up.”
“Wait,” James said fast. “We can take you home.”
Dave nodded.
“Oh,” Jerry said. “You don’t have to.”
“Please? To make up for what Carter did?” James pleaded.
“Please?” Dave asked.
Jerry scuffed his foot again. “Okay.”
James grinned as he and Dave led Jerry to the car. Driving him home might not have done at least a little bit to make up for Carter’s actions, but Jerry deserved it and more.
And his sister certainly didn’t deserve any more crap on her plate.
After all, it was Carter that first shit on it when he made her the school slut.
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