Trigger warnings: trigger scene of Selah's fear of the dark, child neglect772Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5A1UEoWyDE
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“Selah, I think this guy’s for fucking real,” Paige said through the phone, her voice growing louder with each word. Selah pulled the phone farther away from her ear and stared unseeingly at herself in the mirror on her dresser.
“That’s great, Paige,” Selah said, meaning it. She knew Paige’s complicated deal with boys and her hiatus from them. Paige used to have such a negative view of them, yet it was odd that it’d be Christy Vargas’s brother to change her mind.
Paige gave a happy sigh. “I even told him about the STD thing and he still wants to be with me. How romantic is that?” she asked with a smile in her voice.
Also smiling, Selah felt like she couldn’t recognize her friend at this point. “Very. He sounds perfect for you.”
“We totally sixty-nined in that bathroom. Well, it wasn’t the actual position, but we took turns.”
Selah scrunched her nose. “Please don’t tell me the details.”
Paige just cracked up. “I still can’t believe you’ve put up with my nasty bullshit for the past few years.”
“It’s not that hard.” Selah smiled and shrugged. Paige simply told the truth and most of the things she said were funny.
“Anyway,” Paige said slowly, “enough about me. What you up to?”
Letting out a breath, Selah said, “James is coming over to do homework.”
“Ooh,” she said, her voice loud enough to make Selah pull the phone away from her ear again. “Maybe he’ll finally make a move today.”
Selah scoffed. “I thought you stopped shipping us when he got me sick.”
“Well, you were right about how you were near him when you shouldn’t have. And that Grease movie night sounded romantic. I still have no idea why he didn’t do shit that time, but...maybe tonight will be it. So listen, when James makes a move, do not screw it up. It’s already hard trying to set you up with guys.”
“Wait, you mean ‘if’ he makes a move, right?”
“Um no. When.” She cracked up and Selah couldn’t help but smile.
She understood where Paige was coming from about James’s possible intentions, but Paige wasn’t there when the movie night was just a walk down Memory Lane singing Grease songs with him. He was acting the way he always had been with her.
Right before Selah would tell Paige she was looking into this too much, Selah heard Jerry’s voice in the background. Following an inaudible conversation between him and Paige, Paige sighed and said, “Jerry wants to talk to you.”
“Okay,” Selah said with a smile. It’d been awhile since she last spoke with him.
“Hey, Selah!” Jerry said, his cheery voice taking her back to her days at the physical therapy clinic she frequented after her overdose.
“Hey! How’s the art therapy? And how’s your new physical therapist?”
“I’m drawing and painting every day. I guess I’m an artist now, which Paige always wanted.” Selah smiled as she remembered when at the clinic Paige would nag Jerry to try a hand at painting. “And my new therapist is actually better than Mrs. Forrey with the whole drawing thing. And get this: she has two bunnies too! I guess physical therapists have a thing for bunnies.”
“Wow, really?” Selah laughed. “Remember when Mrs. Forrey brought them to the clinic for the first time? And when they escaped from the cage they pooped on the floor and Paige stepped on it?” It was also how Selah first met Paige when Selah offered to help her clean her sneaker, right after Selah had helped Mrs. Forrey put the bunnies back into the cage.
Jerry laughed with Selah. “Oh yeah, the bunny poop. I bring it up to her sometimes.”
Selah heard what sounded like a “Shut the fuck up” in the background.
“So what’s up with you?” Jerry asked. “How’s school?”
“My classes are okay. I’m starting to see how AP Calc is a pain. And I just started working on college apps.”
“Yikes. How’s that going?”
“It’s stressing me out! And sometimes I feel like my résumé doesn’t look good enough.”
“Aw, don’t worry! You’re good at school. And you got all those volunteer hours.”
She grimaced. She certainly wasn’t one of the top students, but he was right about the extracurriculars.
Not wanting to talk about herself anymore, she asked, “What about you? How are things?”
“I’m finally gonna apply to community college. I’m getting kinda sick of changing jobs all the time, and my mom’s taking these classes I wanna take too.”
Selah smiled. “That’s great!”
“Sorry, Paige’s phone is about to die. Talk to you later?”
“Sure.”
Paige murmured something in the background, and after some shuffling noises, she said, “Let me know how the study date goes, okay?”
“It’s just homework, and it’s not even a date.”
“Same difference.”
“By the way, your phone is always running out of batteries.” Selah rolled her eyes.
“I forget to charge it sometimes, okay? Sheesh.”
Selah giggled before hanging up. James would be coming to her house for the first time ever in about twenty minutes, so she made sure everything in her room was organized and spotless. Then she went into the bathroom to do her business.
As she washed her hands, the screen of her phone next to the sink lit up to show an email from the hospital she volunteered at. The subject line mentioned that Harper, an elderly patient that Selah knew for the past couple of weeks, needed extra assistance this upcoming Wednesday. Selah remembered she had a study sesh with James that same day, yet Harper was in critical condition, according to the email, and needed Selah to be there. Worried for Harper’s health, Selah decided she’d have to call off the study sesh. The test was on Friday anyway, so they still had a bit of time to study until then. She hoped James would be okay with it.
One moment she had just sent a reply to the email and was scrolling through her inbox, then the next thing she knew, everything except the phone screen went black.
Selah banged her fists against the door of the closet with all of her might.
“Now you listen to me!” Dad yelled against the door.
Her sobbing grew louder. “I’m listening! I swear!”
“I tell you to do something so easy and you start crying? You don’t do shit when you cry! And people will stare if you keep doing it in public!”
“I-I’m sorry! I won’t cry anymore!” But she knew trying not to cry was hard. The tears always came out whether she wanted them to or not. She couldn’t help that she often cried for no reason, and she wished Dad would understand that.
“Selah Takahashi, stop your crying now! All you do is cry and complain. You’re lazy. You know what? You’re just like your mother. She took no responsibility and left Hawaii, like we meant nothing to her. You should be glad I took you in when I was broke and living with Aunt Sola. Sometimes I can’t even believe you’re my daughter.”
The fact that he even compared her to her mother made her sob even more. Her mother found her useless. And no matter what Selah did, she could never make Dad happy with her.
Maybe he was gonna change when they’d move to California in a month? He said he’d find a better job that would make him happier.
His footsteps faded away, until all she heard were the sounds of her fast breathing and her heart beating in her chest. The only source of light in the closet was the thin line under the door. She lay down so that her left cheek pressed against the cold floor, her left eye finding the yellow wall across from the closet. Her nose already clogged from crying so much, she sneezed, and she hugged her weak knees with weak arms, her skin extremely hot.
After two weeks, she still had a cold. She couldn’t ask the nurse for medicine anymore. The last time she did, the nurse was worried and talked to Dad. He lied about already having medicine at home, and after they left the meeting he said it was just a cold. Then when they got home, she got bruises that took forever to heal. She couldn’t ask for help ever again.
All Selah had were a few friends and teachers at school that were nice to her. She wished she could tell them how much the bruises hurt and why she hated going home, but she couldn’t let anyone know what home was like or else he’d hit her again.
She had to keep everything to herself.
With tears running down her cheeks, Selah felt around the dark until she found the doorknob, then shoved it open before rushing into the bright room. The warm and comforting light shining through the window, she was in the present and she was safe. She sat on the edge of her bed and pulled her knees to her chest, and she stayed like that while taking deep breaths. Then the tears stopped.
She looked around to see her lamp and alarm clock off: a power outage.
Taking a few tissues from her desk, she wiped the tears away and blew her nose. Why did the dark have to trigger her and make her cry right before James was coming over?
As she threw away the used tissues and grabbed a few more, she checked the mirror to see bloodshot eyes and a red nose, and she almost cried again at the unfairness of it all. There was nothing she could do except let James see her completely vulnerable. Why did she always cry at the worst moments?
She could already picture the awkwardness. He probably wasn’t going to say anything and instead silently judge her, since they were rarely serious with each other and she’d cried in front of him only once. She’d make him feel really awkward, and if she did have to explain herself, she might end up crying even more.
Dad was right. She cried too much, most times for no reason. She made such a big deal out of the smallest things and embarrassed herself all the time because of it.
She didn’t want to be that kind of burden to James. He deserved a friend that didn’t have so many issues.
Then the doorbell rang, jumpstarting her heart. She threw away the tissues and fixed her hair before running downstairs to the front door. After she took a deep breath, she opened it to find him with his backpack and another one of his sweet smiles. But then his smile disappeared. He was already judging her.
She put on a huge grin to hide her humiliation. “Hey.”
The corners of his lips lifted again but had less of an impact this time. “Hey.”
Biting her lip, she closed the door after he stepped inside.
“Damn,” he said as he looked around, from the chandelier above his head, to the marble floor, to the enormous hallway leading to the family room. “You’re, like, fully loaded.”
Her eyes wandered to the floor. “Yeah.” She never liked the idea of bragging about her mansion-like house. She never even felt like she deserved a home as nice as this. “So, ready for Calc homework?”
He shrugged. “I’m never ready, so…”
She smiled as she led him upstairs. She felt the same way, but she didn’t feel like talking anymore. As long as he didn’t ask about her crying, she could get over her stupid breakdown soon enough.
She felt too awkward to even look at him when she entered her room and made room on her bed for him. He was quiet the entire time they both set up. About a minute later, they had papers and textbooks all over her bed.
He walked over to the light switch to flick it on, but the lights stayed off. “Are your lights broken?”
“There’s, um, a blackout right now.”
He gaped at her. “What? I didn’t even know!”
Her lips forming a thin line, she shrugged. She scooted backwards until her back was against the wall.
He sat across from her, and she still kept her eyes away from him. At one point he asked her if she understood a problem, and luckily she did, so she helped him. At least her spirits lifted a little. She always liked giving him help when he needed it, and it distracted her from her own problems.
She may not have deserved him, but he was over at her place because he needed her. She couldn’t let him down no matter what.
She sniffled. But she didn’t want to blow her nose in front of him, as everything was already awkward with her acting weird around him. She could go to the bathroom and flush the toilet while blowing her nose, but the lights weren’t working in there and she could get triggered again. There were unused scented candles in the garage that she could get. He might need to use the bathroom anyway.
“I’m gonna get some candles,” she said as she stood up.
“Okay,” he said, his eyes still on his work.
She left the room and went downstairs, only to realize she could just blow her nose in the kitchen. So she did, then retrieved a few apple-scented candles and a box of matches in the garage. The entire time she walked upstairs to her room, she hovered her head above the candles to take in the fruity scent.
She started feeling slightly better, at least.
As she entered her room, James’s eyes were on her. She felt hyperaware of her every movement as she made her way to the bathroom and put a candle next to the soap, followed by lighting up a match to light the candle. Sniffling, she put out the lit match and checked out the entire bathroom, the sweet smell of apple surrounding her. One candle was enough.
Right when she picked up the candles and matches from the counter and turned back to the room, she nearly dropped her things upon seeing James leaning against the doorframe with his arms folded. Her heart skipped a beat.
“What is it?” she blurted out.
“I’ll take those,” he said as he held out a hand.
“Why?”
“You need to take a break.”
She held the objects closer to her chest. “A break from what?”
Sighing, he walked over to her and took the things from her, and she let him. Now things were going to be even more awkward, just because she was stupid enough to make it obvious. She followed him into the room where he put the items on her desk, then he turned to her and held her hands.
“Why were you crying earlier?” he asked.
Her face burned instantly. “I’m fine,” she said on reflex.
“I don’t think so. What happened?”
She started pulling her hands out of his grasp, but he pulled them back and squeezed them. He’d never acted this way to her before. She thought she knew him well enough to know he’d keep minding his own business. After she sighed, she said, “It was nothing. I just get really emotional.”
“What were you emotional about?”
Her face was practically on fire by now. “You don’t need to know…”
“Yes, I do. If you’re sad or hurt in any way, I wanna know. Even if it’s something super small, just tell me.”
She bit her lip as she looked away. The trigger from the dark was super small, since she’d had it since forever. She looked back up at his worried brown eyes and said, “Well, I have a fear of the dark. Nyctophobia, I think it’s called. So when the blackout happened, I was in the bathroom and I...I got a flashback.”
“Flashback of what?”
She chewed on her lip some more. “When my real dad locked me in the closet. It’s kind of why I’m scared of the dark. I always think of the times I was in there.”
His eyes were on their hands, and she instinctively ripped hers away. Her left hand touched her right arm hanging on her side.
“That’s not just nothing,” he whispered.
The fact that he seemed to care so much made her blush harder. He didn’t even need to know about this. It didn’t concern him. So she said, “You don’t need to worry. It happens a lot. I was just overreacting.”
He shocked her when he pulled her into a hug. Her entire body froze, and when she felt his cheek touch the side of her head and his arms tighten around her torso, she hugged him back. And like the big crybaby she was, she released a few tears that dripped onto his T-shirt. It was as though one wall inside her crumbled to the ground.
For the next hour or so, all they did was work and laugh at each other’s jokes. It was as though she hadn’t put a damper on their meeting at all. Except this time, she didn’t feel like she was hiding something from him anymore.
James looked at the time on his phone, showing that it was six P.M. “Wanna stop?”
She nodded and closed her textbook.
“Wednesday we’re meeting up to study for the test, right?”
She was about to agree, but then she remembered Harper. “Oh. Um, actually, I can’t do Wednesday.”
“Why not?”
“I have to volunteer at the hospital. But I have time at night. Is Skype okay?”
As he put on his backpack, he said, “Can I come with you?”
“To the hospital?” She widened her eyes. James was becoming more and more different. “Are you sure you wanna come?”
He shrugged. “I just wanna see what you do since you go there a lot.”
Smiling uncertainly, she said, “Okay.”
As they headed downstairs, Logan was about to go upstairs with a bowl of salad in his hands. “Hey, Selah! And James! It’s great to see you after all these years!” He held a hand out to James, who reluctantly shook it. James rubbed his neck before shoving his hands into his jean pockets. “Great to see you too,” he said reservedly. Why did he get all awkward?
The lights of the chandelier in the hallway suddenly turned on.
“Ah, will you look at that?” Logan said. “The power’s finally back on.”
“Right after we finished,” Selah joked to James.
Looking from Logan to Selah, James gave an odd smile.
“Where are you guys headed?” Logan said, taking a bite of his salad.
“I’m just headed home,” James said. His back pocket made a buzzing sound. After pulling out his phone, he grinned and said, “My mom’s freaking out about the power finally working.” He turned to Selah. “And she wants to know if you can come over for dinner.”
“Oh, that’s okay. I’m already--”
“You should go!” Logan cut in. “It’s been awhile since you last visited them, right?”
“I’ve actually visited a couple times already,” Selah said as her eyes wandered to the hardwood stairs. She didn’t think telling him and Emily mattered much.
But she seemed to be wrong when Logan widened his eyes. “Really? Why didn’t you tell me? Did Emily already know?”
She shook her head and shrugged. Now she felt awful. It just felt like something that concerned only her.
“So, are you coming?” James asked.
Logan nodded as he ate another forkful of salad, and Selah said, “Sure.”
Seeing Mrs. H again really was a big deal.
Eating Mrs. H’s ramen after so long reminded Selah of visiting the Millers’ house for the first time. Compared to the ramen Selah had tried in Japanese restaurants, Mrs. H’s was the best.
“How’s Calculus?” Mrs. H asked as she picked up noodles with her chopsticks.
“It makes me miss seventh grade math T.B.H.,” James said, and Selah nodded and giggled through her nose as she ate noodles. James smiled too.
“How about your other classes?” Mr. Miller asked, sitting next to Mrs. H.
“I guess they’re not that bad.”
“Have you started on your college apps?” Mrs. H rolled her eyes. “I had to remind James to start on his.”
“Oh, I actually just started too,” Selah confessed. “Most of mine are due at the end of November, so a month and a half from now.”
“It’s good to start as soon as you can,” Mrs. H said.
“I will, Mom,” James said, annoyed. “Don’t worry.”
“You two should exchange essays for editing,” Mr. Miller said, then sipped a spoonful of the soup.
The sounds of clinking and slurping followed.
Then Mrs. H said suddenly, “How are things with your parents?”
Selah was slightly shocked at her forward question, until she remembered that she used to tell Mrs. H about how uncomfortable she felt living with them after they took her in.
“Oh yeah,” James said as he leaned forward and put his elbows on the table. “They didn’t know about you coming over?”
Blushing, she shrugged. “I just don’t talk to them a lot.”
“So, things with them are the same?” Mrs. H, looking genuinely concerned.
Selah put left the spoon and chopsticks on the bowl and looked from James to Mrs. H. “I wouldn’t say everything’s still the same. I just...it’s always been that way. It’s hard to explain.”
“Oh, that’s okay. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. I just never got to know what you’ve been up to. Until now, of course.”
Selah smiled, agreeing with her. “Yeah. It’s okay.” She picked up her spoon again. “I guess not a lot’s changed.”
As Mrs. H changed the subject to what she was doing during the blackout, Selah couldn’t help but think more about Emily and Logan. She felt she was still distancing herself from them, when they had never said or done a mean thing to her these last seven years of raising her.
Selah remembered once overhearing Emily talk about wanting to go hiking. Selah made a mental note to look up good hiking trails nearby.
She wanted to start trying, at least before she’d leave for college.
“Selah?” Mrs. H called from her desk. “May I talk to you? You’ll get to your next class on time, I promise.”
As the rest of the class filtered out of the classroom, Selah put on her backpack and headed toward the front desk. “Yes?”
“Are you okay after what happened yesterday? Did Mr. Moore scare you when he asked you about Mr. Keane?”
Selah bit her lip hard. She remembered very well how scared she felt when Mr. Moore threatened that he’d get her suspended if she didn’t tell him how Christy Vargas was paying for drugs, for whatever reason. She couldn’t stop crying about it long after the meeting. And to explain herself to Emily and Logan, she pretended that she was sad about failing a test.
“He was kind of scary,” she confessed. “I know it’s a big deal ‘cause selling weed could get you in jail.”
Mrs. H nodded. “Right. But, Selah, I’m terribly sorry. I thought back to what happened, and I think I forced you into it too fast. Mr. Moore was just in the library when you told me, and I wanted to tell him right away. But that still doesn’t excuse me for putting you on the spot like that. Can you forgive me?”
Selah nodded quickly. “Sure, of course.” It was mainly Selah’s fault for having such a big mouth anyway.
“I just hate to make things awkward between us. I do truly care about you, Selah.”
Selah smiled. Regardless of what happened yesterday, she still respected and even loved Mrs. H. Without thinking, Selah ran around the desk and pulled her into a hug. Mrs. H was frozen at first, before wrapping her arms around Selah.
When Mrs. H pulled away, she tucked a few strands of black hair behind her ear and said, “This school is really quite awful. When I was teaching back in Maui there weren’t any drug-dealing teachers! At least, not that I know of.”
“My school didn’t have any either. And the kids were nicer there.”
“The Big Island, right?” When Selah nodded, Mrs. H said, “I’ve only been there a few times.” She seemed to think. “Imagine if we first met over there instead.”
Selah’s smile grew bigger. “That would’ve been nice.”
As a few kids from the next period entered the classroom, Mrs. H checked the classroom clock. “Oh! You have to get to class!”
“Oh, yeah. Bye!” She said as she waved and backed away toward the door.
“See you tomorrow,” Mrs. H said with a smile.
As Selah walked down the hallway, she realized she liked talking about Hawaii with Mrs. H.
While Emily and Logan were the kindest parents Selah ever had, Hawaii had a special place in her heart that she could call home just as well.
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