Ever since the day of the blackout--when Selah told James about her fear of the dark, followed by his hug that made her feel a thousand times better--she couldn’t help but start feeling differently about him.
It was mainly because James started acting differently. He didn’t need to go to the nursing home with her to see Harper, yet he chose to stick out like a sore thumb in a place full of nurses and old people she loved to be around. She would’ve been fine with him hanging out with his friends or studying for the Calc test without her, as she hated the feeling of forcing people to do things for her.
And most importantly, what was with him caring so much about her awful, humiliating stories? She rarely shared them with people, since whenever she did, they’d make fun of her or make her feel worse. But James did neither of those things.
He was being the greatest friend ever to her, and it just showed what they missed out on after not talking for so long. She might’ve been looking into this too much.
But as she watched James and Gary play a basketball game with a few strangers in the indoor court, she remembered that James wanted to go to the beach with her rather than the gym with Gary. Did that mean he saw her as more than a friend?
She made a face, since that didn’t make sense in the context of James’s lies to all of his friends every time he hung out with her. With him always making her play along with the facade, it didn’t mean he saw her as more than a friend. If he did, he wouldn’t be treating her like a secret.
The sounds of shoe squeaks and dribbling basketballs bounced off the walls as James murmured something and passed the ball to Gary. Panting, James jogged over to Selah leaning against a wall.
His eyebrows wrinkled. “What’s wrong?”
She realized she was still making a face and changed her expression to a smile. “Nothing.”
“You sure you don’t wanna play?” he asked.
She shook her head without explaining why. He already knew about her writing disability earlier that day, so telling him about her lack of athletic skills was the last thing she wanted to do.
He gave her puppy eyes. “Just one game,” he said, taking her hand and smiling.
As he tugged, her sneakers-clad feet planted themselves on the floor and her cheeks flushed. “I can’t,” she said vehemently.
His eyes growing serious, he stopped pulling and his shoulders lowered. Her eyes darted away, then he said, “I can help you.”
It was a simple sentence, yet it made her heart beat faster. It also made her say under her breath, “Okay” before she realized it.
He tugged at her hand again and she followed. “Do you know the basics?” he asked.
“I just know how to shoot...kind of.”
He led her toward the center of the court while he grabbed the ball from Gary. The other boys had left the court and went toward the weights.
“So what are we playing?” Gary asked.
“Can you give us a minute?” James poked his head toward the bench with their stuff.
Gary’s eyes widened as he looked from James to Selah, and he smiled at James. What was that all about?
After Gary sat on the bench, James turned to Selah and handed the ball to her. “Show me what you got.”
She felt James and Gary’s gazes as she chewed her bottom lip and dribbled the basketball, walking to a spot a few yards away from the basket.
Before she could overthink it, she lifted herself from the ground to shoot the ball, and it bounced off the rim. She forced a nervous laugh as she went after the ball heading toward an exit. It was pure chance that the ball even touched the basket.
She went back to her original spot on the court with the ball in her hands. The temperature of the indoor court increased exponentially as James, without a word, adjusted her hands on the ball and covered them with his own. Then he guided her hands with a movement that made the ball spin backwards. Apparently it was just her right hand--the shooting hand--that did the work while the left hand was just guiding the direction.
After he stepped away, she finally made eye contact with him to see him smiling. Her returning smile covered her nerves going out of control.
Turning back to the basket, she didn’t expect to make any perfect shots. For a few tries she did the same motion he’d shown her, with none of them making it in. She was beyond embarrassing.
And right when she decided she’d do one last shot, the ball hit the backboard and made it in. She gasped and turned to James, who ran to her and picked her up in a bear hug. After spinning her around, he lowered her--inch by inch--until her soles landed on his sneakers.
“You can,” he whispered with a wink.
Selah’s entire body froze. For a moment she felt the world stop spinning and lost herself in his smiling brown eyes. Then she noticed every touch: his sneakers underneath her soles, his lower back against her palms, his arms wrapped around her torso, his heart beating fast through his chest.
She felt so elated and sweaty and cherished and...exposed.
Holding her breath, she took a few steps away with his arms falling away and his smile disappearing. She gripped her elbows and turned to walk toward the bench.
All she knew was that she felt something she’d never felt before, and she was too afraid to think more about it.
Gary’s smile at his phone was a distraction she was grateful for. When she reached him, he looked up and said, “Check this out.” His thumb pressed on the screen as a Snapchat video of a dog saying “I love you” played.
“Aw,” Selah cooed when the ten-second video ended.
James approached the bench with the ball, and she didn’t make eye contact in fear of making things more awkward between them. “Wanna do cardio?” James asked Gary and walked over to the equipment to leave the ball with the others.
“Yeah, the treadmills!” Gary said as he hopped onto his feet.
In silence, Selah followed them outside the court and walked around the area where the weights were. The trio passed an unoccupied room full of exercise bikes.
James looked over his shoulder. “How about the bikes?”
Gary shrugged. “Maybe next time.”
James turned to Selah, and she shook her head.
“You know what?” James said as he grinned. “We should bike to the beach after.”
“Oh.” Her face started heating up again. “I don’t know how to ride a bike.” With Gary there, she hoped James understood that it was another disability from her overdose.
As Gary stepped onto the belt of a treadmill, James said under his breath, “I can teach you if you want.”
She stared hard at him, wondering why he kept saying things like this. He didn’t need to care about her disabilities, let alone help her with them. It was pointless trying, as she’d already made the effort and had Emily and Logan spend the money before accepting the embarrassing mess she was.
“Please?” James asked, making puppy eyes again.
It was impossible to say no to those eyes. His attempt to help her might not do anything, but the thought behind it did count, a lot. She sighed. “Okay. Just not today.”
He grinned. “Sure.”
Her heart rate sped up and she looked at anything but him, the heat in her face stretching up to the roots of her hair. She felt embarrassed by the image of him teaching her, yet the fact that he wanted to do it made her smile.
She would never deserve a friend like him.
The pair used the treadmills next to Gary for several minutes, and James at one point reached over and increased the speed of Selah’s. Lowering the speed as he laughed, she pushed his shoulder playfully and rolled her eyes.
Gary, however, paid no attention to either of them as he glared at his phone and lowered his speed to a walk.
“What’s up, man?” James asked.
“Dave’s having so much fun with Abby,” Gary replied in an irritated tone. “It’s not like he has to post a million pics on his Story. We get it.” He slowed the treadmill belt to a stop and stepped off. “I’m gonna call him. B.R.B.”
As Gary walked toward an empty space near the bathroom, Selah couldn’t help but smile broadly. She was ninety-nine percent certain that Gary had it bad for Dave. Did Dave already know? Were things awkward between them?
“What are you smiling about?” James asked.
She turned her gaze to him. “Um…” Should she tell him? Should she not?
“Tell me.” He grinned. Did he already know? Did he want her to say it first?
As he stared at her, she decided to just tell him. “I think Gary’s gay.”
James tripped on the belt and held onto the handles as he slowed the treadmill to a stop. “Sorry, what?” he asked, his eyes widening.
The awful feeling of déjà vu hit her, like when she told Mrs. H about Christy and the drug-dealing middle school teacher. Shivering at the memory, she slowed her treadmill to a stop and scolded herself to deal with the consequences. She turned her sad eyes to Gary on the phone. “I thought it was obvious.”
“Uh, not to me.” A wrinkled forming between James’s eyebrows, he turned to look at Gary too. “Well, yeah, he’s with Dave all the time. But they’re just best friends.”
“I think Gary wants more than that. Haven’t you noticed he’s super jealous about Abby?”
He lifted a shoulder. “That’s what happens when a guy gets a girlfriend. He stops kicking it with the group.”
“And remember when we were in the school library and Dave talked about how they’re always hanging out? You know, being called ‘Sherlock and Watson’?”
James seemed to stop and think. Then his mouth formed an O as he looked at her. “Holy…”
She nodded.
They turned back to Gary who noticed them staring, and James turned back to Selah quickly. Selah stifled laughter as James slapped his hand against a handle.
“Oh my God, I think you’re right. I feel so stupid,” he confessed. “And I’ve known him for years.”
Smiling, she shrugged. “Do you know if Dave knows?”
He shook his head. “I don’t think any of us know.”
“What if Dave secretly feels the same way?”
James took a moment to stare up at the ceiling and sighed. “No, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.”
Selah stopped grinning. “Really?” She turned to Gary whose back was to them. She could already feel a bone-deep sorrow for him. “I don’t want his feelings to get hurt.”
“Same.” James turned to Gary and stepped off the treadmill. “I’m gonna ask him if it’s true.”
“What?” she exclaimed, pulling his arm. “You can’t just ask him out of nowhere!”
“I’m his friend. I can ask.”
She bit her lip as she let go of him. He gestured her to follow, so she did.
“Are you sure?” Gary asked with his phone against his ear, his eyes turning to James and Selah approaching him. He sighed. “Okay, D.M. me when you’re free.” Then he hung up and turned toward the pair.
James asked, “Hey, are you gay?”
Selah clamped her hands over her mouth as Gary’s face turned red.
“Uh...I...” Gary stuttered.
“Selah thinks you’re into Dave.”
She took in a sharp breath as Gary’s small, hazel eyes turned to her. She folded her arms and half-hid behind James like a kid in trouble. James was going to pay for this.
“Well?” he asked, and she stared at the side of his head. Didn’t he feel at least a little awkward?
Then Gary turned his sad expression to James and whispered, “I thought it was obvious.”
James slapped his knee. “I knew it!” With his fist raised in triumph, he spun around to see Selah’s look of disapproval. He stilled and lowered his fist. “Well, I didn’t know before, but still.”
Gary pushed his shoulder against the wall, his head drooping. “I was gonna tell him when I helped him with his food poisoning, but I chickened out. I don’t want us to stop being friends. And he’s obviously into Abby. I don’t even know if he’s gay.”
“Probably not,” James said, and Selah slapped his shoulder, not playfully this time.
James didn’t understand what it was like to be gay, and of course Selah didn’t either, but the thought of loving someone she shouldn’t burned the backs of her eyes. Without thinking, she stepped toward Gary and held his hand. He raised his head to look at their hands, and he shocked her when he pulled her into a tight hug.
Her body frozen, she felt a teardrop seeping through her polyester shirt and onto her shoulder. Knowing it would be weird if she started crying too, she managed to force her own tears back inside and rubbed his back in circles.
She whispered, “I think he deserves to know.”
Gary finally pulled away, wiping away a tear from his left eye with his shirt. “But what if he thinks I’m weird because of what I am? What if he’ll stop talking to me?”
Holding his hands, she said, “I don’t think you should feel ashamed of who you are. And if he doesn’t feel the same way, I think he’d at least be flattered. I think being loved is one of the greatest and purest things in the world. Even I wish someone felt that way about me.” Her eyes wandered to the floor before darting back up to his. “And I’d want to know if there really was someone out there that did.
“You’re better off telling him than spend the rest of your life not knowing what he would’ve said. What you’re feeling is valid. Your love for someone, boy or girl, is valid. But that’s just my two cents.” She brought her eyes back down to the floor.
“Wow…” Gary said under his breath. She looked back up to see him smiling. “That’s the best advice I’ve ever gotten.”
She widened her eyes. It was just her honest opinion, as well as some common sense, but maybe he didn’t have a lot of supportive people in his life? Or he was still in the closet?
But that reminded her how upfront James was when he asked Gary the revealing question. Fuming, she let go of his hands and turned to James. “I can’t believe you just...outed him like that!” she exclaimed and gestured to Gary. “What if he wasn’t ready to tell anyone?”
“No, it’s okay,” Gary said, stepping forward. “I’ve been planning to come out actually. I already told my sisters.”
James raised his hands in defense. “Hey, you were the one that thought he was gay in the first place. And clearly you were right.”
Sighing, Selah turned to Gary. “Are you sure you’re okay with coming out this way?”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Don’t worry,” he said, half-shrugging. “I didn’t even think of telling you guys first, but I guess I didn’t know you’d give great advice.” He gave her a smile before it faltered. “I’m scared about telling Carter, though.”
“Oh, fuck,” James said as he fisted some of his own hair and walked toward the wall next to Gary. “He’s such an asshole when it comes to lesbians. When Kylie and Becca came out at Mila’s party he just flipped out. He doesn’t even act like they exist anymore.”
“Oh my God,” Selah breathed. “He’s so…”
“Yeah,” Gary said, leaning back against the wall. “And for some reason he thinks all girls are bisexual.” He made a face at the same time Selah did. “And he thinks gays have a mental disease.”
Selah folded her arms and shook her head. “He’s not your real friend if he thinks things like that.”
“You know what?” James said. “Fuck what he thinks. If he’s gonna act like you don’t exist, then so be it.”
Selah smiled at him. He finally said something that she agreed on.
Gary smiled. “True. Fuck what he thinks.”
The other two smiled, until James said, “So how are you gonna tell everyone?”
Gary pursed his lips. “I think I’m gonna tell Dave first. In person.”
Selah held his hand again and smiled. “You can do this.”
“Can I D.M. you before I do it? I don’t wanna do this alone.”
“Of course.” The fact that he even needed her for something like this was unheard of, but she wouldn’t let him down. Her vision started to blur.
He pulled her into another hug, and this time she felt less awkward about it, wrapping her arms around him too.
And this time, she let herself release a tear.
After getting ready in a rush and sitting in Logan’s car with her hiking backpack, Selah finally read the messages Gary had sent last night while she was sleeping.
I can’t believe this is happening...I’m gonna throw up
Nvm I’m ok now
Crap I can’t do this!!!
I haven’t been to a party this unlit since my bar mitzvah. I wish it was bigger so that ppl wouldn’t notice me…….
OMG I was gonna tell him but Abby took him from me and they left the party!!! THAT BITCH!!!!!
I guess I’m gonna tell him in person tomorrow
Sorry for the spam, I’ll shut up when this is over
Feeling as though she was with him the entire time, Selah let out a frustrated breath and typed, So sorry I was asleep!! Let me know how it goes today. YOU GOT THIS!!!
She put away her phone and stared off into space. She’d never done anything similar to what Gary was doing, yet she felt like she was physically going through the same things too. She only hoped that Dave would be kind and that Gary wouldn’t get tortured by his crush any more than he already was.
The car door next to her opened and scared her.
“Sorry,” Emily said as she unslung her backpack from her shoulder and left it on the floor next to Selah’s feet. “Ready to go to San Diego?” She tied her dirty blonde hair back into a ponytail.
Selah smiled and nodded. When she had researched the best hiking trails, she brought them up to Emily and Logan over dinner and Emily said she’d always wanted to go to the Potato Chip Rock in San Diego, which was where they were hiking for most of today.
At seven in the morning, Emily and Logan sat in the front with Logan behind the wheel. The entire drive would span an hour and a half, with close to no traffic expected on the 405. Selah had charged her phone the entire night so she could watch the evergrowing list of YouTube videos Paige sent her. With her earbuds in and Logan entering the freeway, Selah started a video compilation of cute raccoons making funny messes.
For the next hour or so she finished Paige’s list and wandered to a few suggested YouTube videos. When she realized her battery was running lower than she’d expected, she put her phone on airplane mode and listened to some old pop music while watching cars and beaches pass by.
She thought she heard someone say her name, so she took out one earbud and looked up to see Emily peeking over the chair.
“Hm?” Selah said.
“I don’t think we’ve ever taken you hiking, have we?” Emily asked.
Selah shook her head at the same time Logan looked at Emily and said, “The last time we hiked was, I believe, shortly before we adopted her?”
“That means...seven years!” Emily exclaimed. “Wow, that’s so long.”
“Selah took up all our time.” He grinned over his shoulder. “We weren’t used to having a kid, obviously.”
Selah remembered them saying that they initially hadn’t wanted kids after marrying, but right when they changed their minds, Emily was diagnosed with cervical cancer and couldn’t have kids anymore. So they turned to adoption.
Selah sighed. It was still irrational of them to choose a little girl who wasn’t only afraid of everyone on the entire planet but also fraught with mental-illness problems.
“What’s wrong?” Emily asked, her voice worried.
“It’s nothing.” Selah faked a smile. She disliked it when Emily and Logan asked about anything that was wrong, which included mainly her mental illnesses. She’d already burdened them with the suicide attempt in her bathroom, an entire year of homeschool that followed, and the months she spent at a physical therapy clinic.
“You sure?” Logan asked, glancing at Selah as he stopped at the red stoplight outside the freeway exit.
With both pairs of eyes on her, she felt doubly embarrassed. She decided to go with, “I guess I just have a lot going on with school and college apps.”
“Aw, honey,” Emily said. “You’re having a tough time? The start of senior year is always the most stressful part with all the applications.”
“Yeah,” Logan said, “if you need any advice, or any other help we can give you, just ask us.”
She looked between them as a million things came to mind, from the nightmares that still kept her up late at night to her uncertain fear of what college would be like. But she figured it was best to talk about these things some other time.
So she grinned and said, “Thanks so much.” And she meant it.
The car behind them honked, prompting Logan to twist fast in his seat and step on the gas pedal. Selah and Emily laughed as he spent the next several minutes finding the starting point of the Mt. Woodson Trail leading to Potato Chip Rock.
After parking the car, at the start of the hike the trio walked around Lake Poway, whose existence looked odd with its desert-like surroundings. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and Selah half-expected to get a heat stroke by the end of the hike. Sweat already matted strands of hair straying from her ponytail when the trail moved away from the lake and toward the summit of Mt. Woodson. Along the way were strange-looking rocks that Logan took pictures of with his brand new DSLR camera. Selah took some pictures on her phone as well and sent some to James first, then Paige and Angela.
None of them read her messages yet, but she did receive a message from Gary.
Tysm!!! I’m gonna tell him when we go out for pancakes.
Selah gasped as her heart thudded hard in her chest. Good luck!!!!
As she reached the top of the mountain, she couldn’t stop smiling about Gary’s situation. She wanted to tell him again and again that he was truly brave.
Sweat dripped down her face and neck while she took several gulps of water from her large thermos, and soon enough the long, thin rock sticking out in mid-air appeared, looking exactly like it did in the pictures. Gasping, she put away her thermos and quickened her footsteps toward the rock.
“Wait guys!” Emily called, followed by a laugh as Logan caught up with his camera ready.
Two couples and a few families had gotten there before Selah did, so she and her parents waited in a line for photos. Logan took pictures of an aerial-like view of San Diego’s buildings and desert regions. As the line moved, Selah took pictures of Emily and Logan with the rocky landscape and scattered vegetation in the background. The heat was growing more intense, and the occasional breezes couldn’t make up for it.
But Selah cared less about the heat when it was their turn for photos. Each of them made all sorts of random poses, with Logan hanging from the rock as if he were about to fall. Selah made sure the shot cropped out the rock a couple of yards below his feet so it looked as though he was falling to his death. Giggling, she handed the camera to Emily and jogged onto the rock, lying on her stomach and reaching down to seem like she was trying to save him.
They probably took the longest time carrying out all of their ideas for the photo op, and Selah felt worried about making the people behind them wait too long. But as she got off the rock to grab her backpack, the people smiled and talked about Logan lifting one foot in the air and his hands pretending to steady his balance on the edge, with Emily snapping pictures and giggling. Selah laughed as well.
To the onlookers, it looked like she did this with her parents a lot, but in all honesty, she couldn’t remember the last time they had this much fun.
They made the long trek back to Lake Poway, with Selah drenched in sweat, but she didn’t mind as she got to take more pictures of the strange rock formations and admired the serenity of the blue lake surrounded by rocky hills.
After they went to the bathroom--with Selah taking a while due to having finished her thermos of water a long time ago--they drove to a small taco restaurant they found on Yelp.
The place was moderately crowded, as the line to order was short and a few tables by the windows and in the center of the restaurant were unoccupied. The trio took one by the windows on one side of the restaurant.
Selah checked her phone to see messages from Paige and Angela. They were generic comments about how pretty the pictures were, which reminded Selah to send them the Potato Chip Rock photos. She unlocked her phone and swiped through her apps, noticing her background picture of herself with Harper.
Her thumb on the screen froze. Harper’s latest chemo session had to be done by now, and Selah had planned to call the hospital to check on her.
“I’ll be right back,” Selah said as she stood up and headed outside the restaurant, dialing the hospital number.
Thankfully she reached Leah, a nurse she knew who said that Harper was asleep after another successful chemo session. After Selah told Leah to give Harper her best wishes for a speedy recovery, Selah hung up and sighed in relief. She wasn’t very religious, but she did start to think the old woman’s persistent optimism and prayers to God were what helped her stay strong through this trying time in her life.
Just when Selah was about to head back into the restaurant, her phone buzzed with a loud default ringtone playing. She checked to see it was a number she didn’t know, but she answered anyway. “Hello?”
A loud sniffle followed. “Selah…” Gary said.
She gaped. He didn’t even need to say anything else. “Oh my goodness,” she said on reflex with tears ready to be released. “I’m so sorry.”
“S’okay. You don’t need to say sorry,” he said, his voice breaking. “I knew he wasn’t gonna feel the same way, but of course I’m crying as if I didn’t know the whole time. I’m so stupid. I feel so embarrassed.”
“No, you’re not stupid,” Selah said, her eyes burning even more. “You’re really brave and strong for doing this. He deserved to know your feelings.”
“Even when he’ll never, ever feel the same way?”
She touched her cheek and stared out at the parking lot. She didn’t have any personal experiences with romantic love, but she thought of all the times she cared about a person, whether it be a guardian or a classmate, only to get hurt in return. “I guess we won’t always have someone we love, love us back. And it sucks, a lot.” The tears finally came out. “I guess we’re always trying to find someone that can finally love us as much as we love them. It takes getting hurt a lot. But in the end, it’s worth it.” She glanced inside the restaurant to see Emily and Logan laughing at pictures in the DSLR camera. And then she thought of James.
“Love always wins,” she whispered as tears flowed down her cheeks.
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