Trigger warnings: drug overdose/suicide attempt, depression856Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQ15XPG8vO
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Selah’s heart thrummed fast in her ears as she stared at the pill in her palm. Again, again, and again, she had to take this tiny white tablet for her anxiety. But if anything, the pill was making her dizzy and confused every single day, just adding on to the suffering she couldn’t bear anymore.
Why did she still wake up, go through the motions, and fall asleep, just to wake up again for the same routine? Was there a point?
Several teardrops fell on her palm as her other hand used toilet paper to wipe her tearful eyes. She looked at the bathroom mirror, but her frame in the reflection blurred with fresh tears seeping from her eyes.
She drew longer breaths, trying to calm down her cries. She couldn’t let Emily and Logan know what she was going to do, at least until after it was done. Besides, it wasn’t as if they would care. No matter how much they tried to help her, she knew they were secretly ashamed of ever picking her as their daughter.
What if she just kept staying with her real father this whole time? She wouldn’t have continued making him angry enough to hit her anymore. She wouldn’t have moved in with her first foster mother and got hurt from her too. She wouldn’t have been living in this enormous house belonging to a girl perfect as much as Selah was imperfect. And perhaps most of all, her father wouldn’t have died in prison yesterday.
She knew that everything that had happened in her life was her fault.
That last thought forced another sob from her, but she mentally yelled at herself to stay as quiet as possible. She needed to meet her father in whatever place people went to after death. She hoped that place turned everyone into the best kind of person they could be, including her father and herself.
She just didn’t want to keep going in this life anymore, where she wasted everyone’s time. She was a burden to them all, even to herself. When she was gone, no one would care, not even her now dead parents, Emily, Logan, Mrs. H, or James. She was doing all of those people a favor, finally.
After grabbing the cup near the sink, she filled it with water and directed her eyes to the bottle of painkillers she had sneaked from the medicine cabinet. She picked up the bottle and unscrewed it with shaking hands, only to spill a few tablets in the sink and on the counter. With dozens still in the bottle, she moved away from the sink, taking the cup of water and bottle of anti-anxiety pills with her.
She downed a couple of painkillers, and later several of the anti-anxiety pills. Walking backwards until her back hit the wall, she closed her eyes and waited. It could’ve been mere seconds, minutes, or even hours. Time ceased to exist as her breathing faltered. She slid down the wall with her body and clammy hands hitting the cold marble floor. Her eyes closed and opened irregularly as her vision blurred, with her lungs taking in less and less air. She turned her head to the bathroom door, but then she regretted doing that when the bathroom kept rotating in that same direction every time she blinked. She decided to keep her eyes closed, even though her mind kept turning in that same direction and her head started throbbing. Sweat dripped down her face, and it felt as though she was getting a heat stroke.
“Selah?” Emily’s voice said in the very back of Selah’s mind. Did she just imagine it?
She stayed still while enduring the endless rotating and lightheadedness, until there was a knock on the other door to the bedroom. “Sweetie, are you asleep?”
At the much more real and clear sound of Emily’s soft voice, Selah’s heart dropped to the floor. She couldn’t have Emily come in to see the mess that Selah had become. She could already picture Emily’s horrified face if she came in right then and there.
New tears came flooding from her eyes.
The other door opened along with some footsteps on the wooden floor of the bedroom.
“No...don’t…” Selah pleaded.
“Selah? Are you in there?”
She sounded so worried and kind and caring. Everything that no other mother felt for her.
It didn't feel good to die after all.
But the darkness started closing in, and she had no choice but to get sucked in. Then all she heard was the door opening, with a sharp gasp that followed.
Selah shot up from her bed, realizing the gasp was her own. But instead of the darkness close to choking her to death, her nightlight lit up the left side of her bed. She was breathing faster and therefore normally, the room stayed where it was, but it was definitely as hot as it was in the dream.
Using the nightlight to guide her, she opened the balcony door to let in a rush of light winds, as well as the sounds of an owl hooting and crickets chirping. Selah sighed as she took her phone and earbuds and walked out to the balcony to sit in her chair. Hearing the sounds that the night made was the only constant that cleared her mind and lifted her spirits, even in the moments following the nightmares replaying the worst moments of her life.
Few people were online at this hour per usual, so she watched YouTube videos that she promised Paige she’d watch when she had the time. Most of them were makeup tutorials and trailers of chick flick movies, with the rest being cute animal videos. Selah started with one of the hamster videos released awhile ago. The tiny beady eyes and soft fur and fatness were way too much for her to handle.
Then she got a notification that James sent her a text message. Her heart nearly stopped. He was still up?
Good morning, the text message said with a smiley emoji. As she thought about whether or not to reveal she was awake too, another message popped up. I’m texting early cuz I can’t sleep.
Selah let out a chuckle. She could absolutely relate to that on some nights.
She texted, Hey.
Ur awake??
Another chuckle. Yup. Can’t sleep either.
Good, cuz all my friends are asleep. He sent a sad-face emoji.
Aw, sorry.
What you up to?
Watching hamster videos. You?
Trying to sleep. He sent another sad-face emoji. Any tips?
Selah thought of what she usually did after waking up from a nightmare on a night when she badly needed sleep. I read this thing online about taking long breaths. Inhale 4 counts, hold 7, release 8.
Ok I’ll do that.
As she waited with a smile on her face, she went back to finishing her hamster video. She was about to start a makeup tutorial about contouring, when James texted, I’m not sleepy.
Are you sure? It works for me.
Anything else?
I do stretches.
She was about to list some in her next message, but then he said, Ohh good idea. I’ll do that.
Almost certain the stretches would take longer and make him fall asleep, she resumed the contouring video. When watching these kinds of videos, she liked to imagine she could be as good as the YouTuber on the first try.
The video was about to end, until James said, My throat hurts…
Uh oh. Stretched too hard?
No, it’s sore. And my cough drops don’t work. imma get sick soon. He sent a sick-face emoji.
She knew some remedies for a sore throat that worked wonders. And she knew all too well how awful colds and flus felt when they followed the sore throats. I can bring medicine for you. It should work.
Aw you don’t have to. It’s super late rn.
She saw that it was two in the morning. It’s not that late. Please?
He seemed to have read the message, but there was a pause. Then he said, Ok. Maybe you can show me your stretches too. Then he sent a winky-face emoji.
She grew slightly anxious at the idea of doing stretches with him. He’d probably secretly judge her on how she did hers, and maybe he could do them a lot better. She was in no way athletic, whereas he recently seemed to get fit. She wondered if he played any sports or just worked out regularly.
Do you still have my address? he asked.
Yes.
After putting on a large, soft hoodie that covered the scars on her upper body, she took her phone and keys and quietly headed downstairs to the kitchen. She filled a pot with water and started heating it up, and while waiting for it to boil, she searched through the medicine cabinet for the bottle of cough syrup. She succeeded at looking at anything but the box of painkillers she used that one night. If she did spot it, that memory would bring back that same heavy mix of emotions, and that was the last thing she needed tonight, especially after revisiting that moment.
She went to the pantry to find a jar of honey and a chamomile tea bag, and when she came back to the kitchen, the water already had a few bubbles rising up to the surface. She turned off the stove and poured the water in a thermos with the tea bag in the water. The tea would make him a lot sleepier for sure, as well as help with the sore throat.
“Selah?”
She almost got a heart attack as she turned to see Emily walking into the kitchen. Her dirty blonde hair was in a ponytail and she still had on her work clothes, which were now rumpled. She usually worked this late, making Selah assume that being an attorney, even a renowned one like Emily, required sleepless nights.
“Why are you up so late?” Emily asked.
“I…” Selah looked down at the thermos, honey, and cough syrup in her hands. She never really wanted Emily suspecting anything about her and her whereabouts. “I have a sore throat.” Her face grew warm and presumably red, but she hoped it was too dark for Emily to see.
“Oh.” Emily went to the refrigerator and opened it. “Do you still have trouble sleeping?”
“No,” Selah said almost too fast. “I’m fine. Just a little sick.”
“Okay. Hope you feel better.” Emily gave a smile, and Selah returned it with a weak one.
Selah sat in the dining room, swirling the tea bag in the water and pretending to take sips as she waited for Emily to leave. When Emily did leave, followed by the sound of the door to the den closing, Selah tiptoed to one of the many side doors of the house and opened it as quietly as she could. Closing it, she took a deep breath and made her way around the house, past the fountain and colorful garden, until she found her Volvo parked in front of the house.
The route to James’s house came to her much more easily than she thought, even without checking the map on her phone. Of course she hadn’t driven in eighth grade, but Mrs. H, Emily, and Logan often drove her there, and sometimes she would just walk there with James from school, and she eventually learned the routes.
At this time, most people’s lights were off, so she had to face almost complete darkness except for the street lamps and a light in her car ceiling. Throughout the ride, she chided herself for doing this in the middle of the night--the scariest part of the night--but then she kept reminding herself she couldn’t let James down. It would be mean and random if she told him she decided not to come. She made a promise to him and she had to stick to it.
When she reached his house, she parked in the driveway and gathered all of the things she brought, hoping the remedies would help him. She turned on her phone’s flashlight, partly because she actually couldn’t see the ground very well, and walked up to the front door. She didn’t want to wake his parents up, so she texted him that she was there.
A few moments later, he opened the door. He was wearing a gray hoodie and Snoopy pajama bottoms, and she couldn’t help but giggle a little.
“What?”
She gestured to his pants.
“Oh. I mean, Snoopy’s pretty dope. Right?”
She nodded with a grin. “So, I got you cough syrup, and also chamomile herbal tea with honey. The tea should help your throat and you can fall asleep faster.”
“Sweet.” He took the items from her and examined them. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“I want to.”
He rubbed his arms. “Jeez, it’s cold. Wanna come inside?”
“No, it’s okay.”
“You sure?”
She nodded.
“Aren’t you gonna show me your stretches?”
“I don’t have to--”
“Please. I wanna see, Selah.”
He made the saddest puppy face ever that she felt she had to give in. She had plenty of time she could spare anyway. Plus, hanging out with James cheered her up, and she needed some cheering-up tonight. “Fine,” she said, smiling and walking past him into the house.
“Yes!” he whispered as he closed the door. He led her to the living room, which had on a lamp next to the couch. Everything actually looked the same, except for a few new frames of his family on tables and walls.
James fell onto the couch and sighed deeply. “Getting sick sucks, and I’m studying really hard for the Calc test too.”
She remembered it was two days from now. Seeing that he had left the items next to him, she went over to pick them up. “Take the cough syrup, then the tea with honey. You’ll feel better right away. I promise.”
He was still lying down and staring at the ceiling. “I don’t like tea. Or honey.”
“Have you tried chamomile?” she asked, trying to hide the hurt in her voice.
“No.”
“Then try it. With honey.” She held the thermos and honey jar in front of him.
“Well, since it helps, okay.” He sat up and unscrewed the thermos. After pouring a few drops of honey into the tea, he took a sip.
She watched him and hoped for the best as he swallowed. He smacked his lips, then he looked at Selah with a smile. “It tastes sweet.”
“That’s the honey.” She closed the honey jar.
“I guess honey isn’t that bad. And this tea.” He lifted the tea bag out of the water and seemed to scrutinize it.
Setting the honey jar on the small table, she smiled. “Don’t forget the cough syrup,” she said as she handed it to him.
He took as much as the bottle directed and handed the bottle back to her.
“Oh, you can give it back when you’re done.”
He set it on the table next to the honey and smiled. “I feel like you’re too good to even be friends with me.”
She looked away and felt her cheeks start to burn. “Actually, I feel like I make you do stuff you don’t want to sometimes. Like the tea.”
“Are you kidding? You literally brought me tea and got me to like it, and it was just ‘cause I was bugging you about my sore throat.”
“Well, it’s not a big deal. The tea really does help with that. And sleep.”
“And stretches, right?”
“Oh, no,” she laughed. “I’m not showing you my stretches.”
He stood up. “Come on, we do it together.” He gestured her to stand up, and so she did. “Let’s touch toes.”
They did it together, then his fingers touched her toes. She reached to touch his too, but then she almost toppled over until she held onto the table for balance, now giggling. Feeling like she was louder than she should’ve been, she said, “Sorry, your parents are asleep, right?”
“They’re really deep sleepers so you’re good.”
Still, she wanted to try to stay as quiet as possible so she wouldn’t wake them up. “Okay, what next?”
“Reach for the sky.” They did like so, which actually felt quite relaxing, until she felt his fingers tickling her underarms. Her arms clamped to her sides as she bit back laughter, but he kept finding ways to tickle her with her neck and the sides of her torso. She fell onto the couch with him following suit. She really did always feel like a kid when she was with him.
But when she felt both her hoodie and shirt ride up her torso, she became rigid and pulled down the hoodie as much as she could. He seemed to realize what she was doing as he stopped tickling and moved away from her.
God, she was so awkward. It was just that showing her scars meant more attention, more attention meant more criticism, and more criticism meant more taunts and torment. Yet by covering all the embarrassing hurts, she always ruined good, playful moments like these, like with Emily and Logan, and even Jerry. But what was worse: them seeing the ugly evidence of the violence she’d been through, or her constantly being closed off to them? Her whole face was on fire as she said, “So, what’s next?”
She hoped he hadn’t seen what used to be two stab wounds on her right flank, but with his suddenly solemn look, he definitely might’ve. He put back on his smile, though, and said, “Leg stretches.”
As they sat down on the carpet with James initiating all the ones he knew, she was pretty sure he already forgot about her brief awkwardness. Sometimes it was a good thing he stayed impersonal and continued to joke around, just to make any tensions evaporate like he did now. But at the same time, she didn’t know if he cared enough to wonder why she covered up a lot. Or maybe he did care, but he didn’t ask her upfront to avoid the awkwardness?
All she knew was that she had to keep doing everything she could to hide the worst of who she was from James. She always stuck with her promises, especially ones she made for herself. It was just hard to stay closed off to him when she also wanted to spend a lot of time with him.
They did several more stretches but with less playing around involved. Then they simply dropped on the couch opposite to each other, with her legs lying next to his.
“Remember when I played video games in this room and you just watched?” James asked.
She looked at the TV and imagined many of the games he used to play there. “Yeah, and you made me play with you a few times.”
“You were really bad at COD.”
She laughed. “What’s that again?”
When he didn’t answer, she raised her head to look at him with his eyes closed and his mouth partly open. She sat up and said, “Hey.” After another moment of silence, she shook his foot. “Hey.”
“Huh?” he said.
“I’m gonna go.” She stood up. “Good night.”
“Night.” Then he seemed to doze off instantly.
She kneeled beside him and studied his face. He looked so peaceful and content when he slept. After spending a moment of just combing his hair with her fingers, she stood up and collected her keys and phone, which she had put on the table during the stretches.
Then she slowly closed the front door and headed toward her car. It was still dark, but a tiny bit lighter than before.
As much as she really enjoyed that impromptu visit, she felt James deserved it, and so much more. She somehow had to make up all the lost time they could’ve had together. If only she hadn’t tried to kill herself and got homeschooled for a year because of it.
She was certain that at some point it needed to be brought up. But for the time being, she wanted to keep acting like nothing had changed.
Yet doing that was hard with her being such an open book around James.
