[A/N: Haha...hey...so, I know it's been a while, and in my defense, it's because school got me back to the grind. But now that it's winter break, I can FINALLY finish the book! After this chapter, just two more left! If you're still here after my really long break, thank you so so so much!!!
Also, I want to warn you that my writing may have deteriorated, so I hope you can excuse me for that.]964Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4rXzDQilX
964Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZtVyyjstF
964Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfU4p4pTbYU
964Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaCjiNYCt3
“I was just visiting Christy to give her this gift basket,” Amelia said softly, “to make up for how my nephew treated her, which is quite a long story...but yes, that’s when I saw Selah.”
At the sound of her former foster mother’s voice, Selah didn’t feel the beginnings of another panic attack. Instead, Amelia’s voice brought back the first day she’d adopted Selah. It was such a simpler time then. Selah stayed still, keeping her groggy eyes closed.
“As soon as she saw me,” Amelia continued, “she got the panic attack.” There was a pause. “When she saw me for the first time in years, I guess she got really scared, and anxious,” she said, her voice lowering.
“Well, thank you for coming to see Selah,” Dr. Carrigan said. “I’ll be sure to ask her some more about how you triggered her. But it might be a while before she wakes up, since I want her to get more sleep.”
“Right,” Amelia said. “Thank you.”
A bunch of footsteps outside of the room followed, along with the closing of the door. Feeling the sleepiness closing in, Selah dozed off.
***
The next time Selah woke up, she heard Logan’s worried voice.
“I thought she was improving, Em.”
“I know. She told us she was fine when we went on that hike.”
There was a silence, and Selah took this moment to reveal she was awake. As she opened her eyes, she found them embracing with Logan’s chin on top of Emily’s head, with neither looking at Selah.
“I just wish she told us sooner,” Emily said, tears brimming in her green eyes.
“I know I should’ve,” Selah said, sniffling. The pair jolted in surprise and glanced at Selah with a mix of shock and joy in their faces. They clambored to both sides of the bed as Emily’s palm touched Selah’s forehead and Logan held her left hand.
“How do you feel?” Emily asked.
“Better,” Selah admitted. “I haven’t had a lot of sleep.”
Logan nodded. “Is it because of those nightmares? The doctor told us.”
Biting her lip, she said, “Yeah, for the most part.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Logan asked. “We could’ve called your psychiatrist about it. And what about your antidepressants? Did you stop taking them?”
Not knowing where to start, Selah only answered the last question. “I just thought I didn’t need them anymore.”
“Logan,” Emily whispered, touching his hand. His blue eyes wandered away as she said, “Selah, it’s okay to tell us if you’re getting your flashbacks again, or if you’re getting anxiety attacks. We just want to help you in the best way we can.”
Selah’s shoulders slumped. She said, lowering her voice to a whisper, “I know. I just didn’t want you guys to worry about my problems again.”
“But we’re your parents. Of course we have to worry about your problems, even if they come up again.” She glanced briefly at Logan, then back at Selah. “No matter what happens, we’ll help you through it.”
Selah involuntarily teared up, prompting Emily to scoot closer and pull her into a hug. Until now, Selah hadn’t realized they cared this much, even though in San Diego they said they would offer help if she needed it. And neither did she know that she didn’t have to deal with her problems herself.
That's what she always had to do.
And now she had these two adults she could actually count on, instead of the other way around.
More tears came up against her will, and she hugged Emily even tighter as Logan joined. “Thanks,” Selah whispered. She only said one word, yet it meant hundreds.
She didn’t want this moment to end, but it had to when someone knocked on the door. Logan went up to answer.
Dr. Carrigan said, with her hair in a ponytail now, “Hello…Ah, so you’re awake now!”
Selah gave a shy smile. She partly didn’t want to answer any more of the doctor’s questions, especially when she knew she’d ask about Amelia.
“May I have a few words with Selah?” the doctor asked.
“Sure,” Emily said as she stood up. “Can we see her again after?”
Dr. Carrigan nodded with a smile.
Emily regarded Selah with a teary smile before leaving, with Logan following suit.
“So, how are you feeling?” the doctor inquired after the door closed.
“Better.”
“Good, good.” Dr. Carrigan seemed to think about what to say next. “If it’s alright with you, I want to ask you a bit more about your anxiety attacks.”
She nodded. “About Miss Adams?”
“Right. So just to clarify, seeing her was what triggered you?”
Selah wanted to squirm. It was an odd way to get an anxiety attack, just seeing a person she hadn’t seen in many years. “Yeah. I’m not sure why.”
“Don’t worry, it’s completely normal. People get triggered for many reasons. For instance, someone who’s hypersensitive might get a panic attack from a bug bite. Other people get it for no apparent reason. But they’re all due to a situation of intense anxiety. And it appears that seeing Miss Adams gave you intense anxiety.”
“I guess.”
“Do you think you might get the same reaction if you saw her again?”
She pictured Amelia in her head, and she didn’t feel anything strange. But she’d thought about her before, so it was still different from seeing her in person. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, she wants to talk to you, but I think you might get another anxiety attack.”
That was most likely true, but Selah still wanted to talk to Amelia, as she felt that they needed to say some things to each other after all this time. She recalled hearing Amelia’s voice earlier and having no reaction. “I could talk to her over the phone. I heard you guys talking and I was fine.”
The doctor seemed to hesitate. “Are you sure? Even though you might get triggered again?”
Selah nodded. “It’s okay.” Frankly, she’d do anything it took to speak to her again. She wanted to ask her so many questions, like how much she changed the past several years. She just needed some type of closure.
“Okay,” Dr. Carrigan gave in. “But I’ll be here with you just in case, alright? If it happens again, you need to follow my instructions to stop it, okay?”
Selah felt touched that the doctor seemed to care so much. Or maybe acting like that was just her job. Nonetheless, Selah nodded.
A few moments later, the doctor came back to the room, the both of them waiting for the telephone to ring. When it did, it made Selah jump. Dr. Carrigan appeared alarmed, but Selah reassured her with a smile. “I’m fine,” she whispered, so the doctor picked up the phone and handed it to her.
Selah took a deep breath before holding the phone to her ear. “Hello?” she said, her voice trembling.
“Hey, Selah,” Amelia said softly. “How are you feeling?”
Not feeling anything, Selah grinned at the doctor who grinned back. “I’m fine. How about you?”
“Oh, you don’t need to worry about me. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”
Dr. Carrigan gestured to the emergency button, and when Selah nodded in understanding, the doctor left.
“Well, I’m doing okay,” Selah replied.
“How do you like your parents?”
“They’re great,” she said honestly.
“Yeah, I met your parents earlier. I can tell they care about you a lot. Way more than I did.”
Selah chewed on her lip. “I guess.”
“It’s true,” she went on. “I know now that everything I did to you was just...God-awful. In every way.” Her voice had started breaking. “I took you in, thinking I was ready to move on...from...my baby. Did I tell you about her?”
“No.”
“Well, before I had you, I lost her. She fell off a building. And, I don’t think I got over it even after I met you. I tried to replace her with you...you know, by dressing you in her old clothes. I thought that you could somehow be the little girl I lost. But I was wrong, and I didn’t know that until a lot later.”
Selah didn’t know how to reply when a silence followed. Then she remembered what she wanted to ask in the first place. “How’s it been after...after all that?”
“I think I got even worse. I was spying on my ex-husband at the time. I hired a guy and everything, but I got caught again for breaking the restraining order. At that point I was at my lowest. It felt like my life was going in circles, like there was no end to it all. When I was hurting you and my ex and everyone else around me, I was completely lost. I didn’t really know what to do with myself anymore.
“But, my sister did take me to therapy. It took a painfully long time, but in the end I figured out why I couldn’t get over my dead baby or my ex-husband. And I figured out why I treated you--why I used you--the way I did. And I’m incredibly sorry for that.
“Things did get better for me after that, though. My brother Owen got arrested for abusing your friend Paige and her family, so I had to take in my nephew. You know him, right?”
Selah grimaced as she pictured Carter. The world they all shared was quite small. “Yeah.”
“But from that point on, my life did get better. I’ve been seeing a guy, and he helps me take care of Carter every now and then. But it’s hard because we almost never see him at home. He’s a really bitter kid.”
That was a gigantic understatement, but Selah didn’t say anything,
“But things did get better,” Amelia reiterated. “I know I keep saying that, but it’s important that you know everything. I did change, for the better. I was the worst mother ever to you. I know that now, and you have every right to be angry. I’m just grateful that we’re talking again.”
Selah let out a breath as she teared up. She knew was going to get puffy eyes for days after this. She whispered, “I’m glad we’re talking again too.” And she meant it; Amelia was actually acknowledging and apologizing for her wrongdoings.
“Even though I made you get two panic attacks?”
Selah half-smiled. “Yeah.” They were mainly her fault, anyway. “I wondered about you a lot. I’m glad you’re good now.”
“I could say the same to you. You’re a senior now, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Gosh, you’ve grown so much. You’re even more beautiful now, and you’ve got parents who take such good care of you. You’re very lucky.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, smiling as she remembered her conversation with her parents. “They really are great.”
Amelia sighed deeply. “I really wish we could see each other. I just want at least one last look at you.”
For a moment, Selah felt bad and was about to apologize. But the thought of doing that--of apologizing for her anxiety that was mostly because of Amelia--felt wrong, despite all the kind things Amelia just said to her.
Selah had felt like a burden to her current parents with her mental-health problems, yet they just told her that it was okay, and she felt loads better because she finally revealed the truth to them. She’d been honest with her parents, so it was time for her to be honest with herself.
Talking to Amelia over the phone, while a good moment for healing old wounds, didn’t erase Amelia’s abusive actions that would contribute to Selah’s anxiety many years later. Selah had a right to stand by her anxiety, especially if it caused her to get an attack every time she simply saw the woman.
Selah just needed to stop apologizing for every single thing, because not every single thing was her fault.
The realization dawned on her more slowly than she thought, for Amelia cleared her throat after a long, awkward silence. “Well, it was a relief to talk to you again,” she said. “I hope you feel better soon.”
“Yeah,” Selah said, letting the conversation end there. She felt that they said everything they needed to say anyway.
After they hung up, Selah smiled at herself, only because she felt like she’d taken off heavy armor she didn’t realize she was wearing until now. Maybe she’d finally stop bruising from the weight.
***
After Dr. Carrigan gave Emily, Logan, and Selah an overview of her symptoms, as well as discussing about revisiting Selah’s psychiatrist--who couldn’t be there because he was on a trip--the trio finally left the room.
Selah was planning on taking another nap once she was home and decided to put off homework and college app essays for later.
As she walked toward the hospital entrance, loud footsteps sounded to her left, and Selah turned to see Paige approaching from the waiting room with James close behind. “Selah, are you okay?” Paige asked.
Feeling like that type of question was thrown at her too many times, as well as getting nervous upon seeing the one guy that made her blush more than humanly possible, she stuttered, “I...um...yeah, I’m okay. I’m just gonna go home and sleep.”
“Okay,” Paige said. “Can I come over later?”
She nodded. In fact, more than anything she needed to hang out with her best friend after everything that just happened.
“Also, I’m gonna talk to Christy soon, so...I’ll tell you about it after, I guess.” She shrugged, though there was a hint of worry in her blue-green eyes.
“Oh, okay.” Selah definitely wanted to hear how that would turn out.
“Hey, Selah,” James said, who still behind Paige. He without a doubt looked more worried than Paige. “Glad you’re okay.”
Heat rose in her cheeks as she thought back to his heartfelt promise to stop faking in front of his friends and to be honest with Selah from now on. Even the lilies he’d given her earlier that day gave a warm feeling in her chest.
She’d told him that she would think about the fate of their relationship, so she figured she might as well tell him now.
She turned to Emily and Logan. “I need to talk to him for a sec.” After they said they’d wait, Selah pulled James to a vacant spot in the hallway near the bathroom, the same one she’d gone to when she got her first anxiety attack. The reminder made her feel even worse for what she was about to say to him.
“What is it?” he asked, sounding so sweet and innocent.
She took a deep breath. “So I thought about what you said, and...basically…” The small hope in his adorable face made her feel even more pain in her next words. “I think now isn’t the right time for us to be together.”
His jaw dropped, probably feeling as confused about this as she did. “So...you do feel the same way?”
Biting her lip, she nodded. “But…” She lifted a shoulder. “I’m going through a lot right now.”
Though he looked pained, he nodded. “Yeah. I know.”
Her eyes wandered to the waxed floor. “I got my own problems to deal with, and I don’t want to drag you down with them. It would just complicate things for us.” She shifted her weight to one foot. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way.” She finally got all the words out. On her mind was just hope that he understood.
He lifted her chin until she looked into his brown eyes. “I’ll wait for you.”
Blushing like crazy, she smiled and pulled him into a hug. The stiffness of his body told her it was probably the wrong thing to do, considering she just told him they couldn’t be together yet, but then he wrapped his arms around her too, and that was all that mattered.
If he really was going to wait for her, then he was definitely the one.
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