When it got colder, he was in more. I wasn’t sure what was worse, me being alone, or me being alone with him. He would spend most of his days in the craft room painting.
He’s offered me lessons and I figured since there was nothing better to do, I took up on it. I am not good at all. He tried teaching me to paint a face. I would try, but then peak over and see how great he is and all hope is lost.
So, I just watch him. He painted the forest so quickly, and so gracefully. That night, I went to bed. I feel asleep with a book resting on my chest.
When I woke up, my glasses and book was on the table next to me. I looked around and saw how neat it was. The whole house was so neat all the time, and I questioned how. How could a crazy big bulky guy be like a housewife?
I had gone out to the living room the next morning and saw him walking out. That’s when he said, “I’m working in my shed today.”
I nodded and he went off, locking the door. It was eight in the morning. I took a shower, got dressed. I wore the dress with the Peter Pan collar with some leggings and plain white socks. It was so pretty. I hated that I liked it. I didn’t want to feel lazy. If I feel lazy, I give up. I refuse to give up.
So wearing a somewhat decent outfit would help me stay awake. Even if I didn’t go anywhere (like home), I could still feel like my day is longer instead of wasted.
He would not take my days away. I went to the bathroom, and got the straightened out again. I plugged it in and wondered around the house. I went through William’s paintings. He had painted trees, snow, mountains, angels and then me.
I walked back to the bathroom and fixed my ugly hair. It was longer once I killed all the curls. Why did girls want curly hair? The thought of shaving my head was a joyful one. It would make him upset.
It was ten in the morning when I checked the time. I wondered what my family was doing without me. It was so hard, being here, trapped in my head, forced into a world you didn’t even ask to go to.
It’s like being born, you didn’t ask for it, yet you were. Then you were supposed to love life, yet everyone hates it until they know they were going to die, and suddenly they loved life.
When it was around ten, I started to wonder about school. Did anyone miss me? Did anyone know where I have gone? Did they want me back?
I started to panic. I wondered what if no one had missed me. Did they think that I runaway? I felt like crying at the thought. Surely they didn’t. There had to have been a search party. Cars coming up the mountain and my dad knocking down the door, then I would be saved.
But until that happens, I knew I had to escape on my own. At eleven, I went to the food storage. It was unlocked; thank goodness.
There were cans and cans of food. I grabbed corn can and smashed it against the ground. I stared at what I had started. I wondered if this was a good idea. To smash all the food so he had to go to town again. I didn’t care if it was or not. It felt so good to smash something.
I destroyed more and more cans. In five minutes I had a whole shelf cleared. I stared on another shelf. I smashed and smashed and smashed all the food. I think I laughed while smashed the cans. The walls were covered with corn, peas, squash, and anything else these cans had. I started to feel better with my emotions. The weird meat felt like clay, and I threw it against the wall, making my own art. Who needed painting when there was that?
I just needed to break something. Everything I could find, I threw it against the wall and floor. Maybe everyone in the world needed to break something.
Maybe there wouldn’t be any crimes anymore because they could just smash something harmless and not go to jail. It took ten minutes at the most. I smiled.
William was coming in another twenty minutes. I sat on the table with the sketchbook I grabbed from my room. I doodled a little bit in it. I was waiting for him to come in. He would have to go to town if there was no food.
He would have to go away, and then I could escape. I could see my family sooner than I thought. The girl who saved herself, the news would read. I wondered if I was on a news channel at that moment.
I never wondered what those kids on TV felt like, I never thought how much pain they were in, or if they were dead.
What was I to another family I never met? A flip of the channels I guess, because that was what those kids were to me. I started to get nervous as the time clicked its way. I watched the clock.
I started to sing, “Tick Tock, the mice went up the clock,” over and over in my head. I started to rock a little. I think I was regretting the plan, but I told myself it would work.
William walked into the house making me jump. “Hello Tavi,” he said with a smile. I just watched him. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach. I pretended to doodle in my sketchpad.
“Hi,” I mumbled.
“I like your hair, Tavi, it’s pretty. Your dress looks nice on you too.”
“Thank you.” I was getting scared. It was a stupid plan.
“Are you okay-” he cut himself off. William started to walk toward the pantry. I held my breath for the longest time, screaming on the inside while my poker face fought the emotions. I didn’t hear anything from the room.
I started to smile starting to think that it really was a perfect plan. I would run away from there on and I was free. I would be home, to my family and away from this monster. I felt as if a hundred years had passed. I thought that everything was going all right. Oh, I was so wrong.
Suddenly I felt him grab the back of my neck and slam my forehead into the table. He brought me back up and dragged me from the chair. He then yanked my hair, and holding it into a fist. He made sure I was facing him as he yelled, “What is wrong with you!”
I just screamed, not loud and long, just a painful scream. He dragged me down the hallway and to my room. I thought he was going to break my neck. He opened the door, pushed me hard to the ground, and then slammed the door.
“Stay in there!” he yelled. I tried to open the door but it was locked. “Food is precious! You just wasted all of our food for three months!”
“I’m sorry,” I said starting to cry. I slid down against the door onto the floor. “I’m sorry,” I pleaded. He wasn’t there anymore.
He was gone.
I heard his car starting up from outside. He was leaving me. I had no idea where he was going, and that scared me. I was left alone, locked away like an abuse bird. He left me there to starve, and I cried and cried as I regretted my plan.
For the next few hours, I was on edge. I wondered if he was going to come in and shoot me. I really wasn’t sure.
But as time went on, I was more relaxed. I sat at the door, waiting for him to come back. I tried to open the door, but he had locked me in.
My head was hurting really bad, but luckily I didn’t bleed or anything. I was grateful where he smacked my head against the table was just red, and not split open.
My hunger pains grew. I was getting more and more hunger. I had never in my life felt the pains in my stomach telling me to eat. My bones were weak. It was almost impossible to move my arm without going out of breath.
“Eat, Tavi, eat!” my stomach yelled at me. It was William’s voice. I tried to focus on the little things in the ugly room. I could hear William’s voice in my head. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t anywhere near this room.
I thought I saw him a few times in my room. He wasn’t. It was just my crazy mind at work. My crazy messed up mind. He was going to town and I was stuck in that stupid room. Like Bell in Beauty and the Beast. I was trapped in the castle. Except I was not a princess, this was not a castle, and I wasn’t going to have a happy ending.
My ‘prince’ wasn’t going to turn into a human. He’s going to become more and more of a monster until he kills me. I wished he had killed me, just fast and easy. Painless. Shoot me in the head. I wish he had got it over with.
He had locked me inside my room. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to try to get out of there anyways. I didn’t know when he was coming back, and I did not want to be in his path.
I started to lose time. I had no idea how many hours it’s been. I tried to read the books on the shelves. I couldn’t focus on anything but William and my family. A scary thought had popped in my head.
What if he had killed my family as punishment? Kevin couldn’t go against a huge man like William. He was big, but not mountain man big. My dad couldn’t shoot him. I screamed at the thought of William hurting my mom. I got up and kicked the wall. What was the point though?
No one could hear me. And I knew it.
He knew it.
I was a little bug in a big field. I tried to lay in my bed and sleep. I couldn’t. I just lay there and did nothing. I stared at the walls and started to think.
I started at the walls, trying to get my mind to wonder about something. I couldn’t think of anything. I stared at nothing, and did nothing. I was starting to believe that nothing was a code word for insane.
I lay there listening to my breathing as the time went on. It started to drive me crazy to listen to my breathing. I noticed each time I blinked. It was driving me nuts to notice tiny little things my body would do.
I looked outside to see if it was still day or night. William was still not home. I was scared that all this time he was home, and he was waiting for me to come out of the bedroom. I didn’t want to leave the room to find out the results of my stupid plan.
I was trapped. No food, no water, no one. I slept a little, and then woke up to nighttime. It was pitch black outside.
Only the snow and the moonlight were giving off anything to see. The lights inside were still on, but I turned them off. I started to get a headache.
William was still not home. I didn’t even care at the moment. I was so thirsty. My hunger grew. I couldn’t focus on anything. I stared outside to the snow. With my nose pressed against the glass, I could see the forest.
A doe started to walk from behind the trees. I stared at her beauty. She walked up to me, closer and closer to the window, as if she knew I was there. As if she had an idea of how much pain I was in. She was just inches from the window. I put my hand against the glass.
“Everything will be okay,” she told me.
“Who are you?”
The doe started to walk back to the forest and I saw my reflection. I then passed out on the floor and laid there for the rest of the night. I woke up and closed my eyes. I don’t remember much after that. I just remember time started to come together in a big bowl and was mixed up, making my head spin around.
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