For the next week, I didn’t acknowledge him, or anything around me. I’m not sure how to explain it. It felt as if I were there . . . but I wasn’t. All I remember was hitting my head on a tree, and then I was on the couch sitting down, watching the fireplace.
I felt Hope on my lap. I was in a pale dress, my hair messily braided, my glasses on me, crooked. I looked around to find William in the chair next to the couch reading a book.
“Tavi?” he asked.
It took a second. My mouth was so dry. I could not speak for the longest time. He almost went back to reading until I said, “Yeah?”
He looked stunned. “Tavi? You can hear me?”
I nodded slowly. “Yes?”
He put his book on the table and came to the couch and sat down next to me. “You sure? What do you last remember?”
“Um,” I looked back out the fireplace.
“No, Tavi.” He grabbed my face chin and made me face him. It had hurt. I could still feel his grip on my face, like ghost prints. “Please, what’s the last thing you remember?”
“Um, snow, lots of snow, cold, doe. I’m not all that sure to be honest.”
He nodded, hugging me tightly, and then started crying hard into my shoulder. After a moment too long, he let go, but left his arms on my shoulders. “Kitten, I thought I lost you!”
I looked at him with a dazed face. “What are you talking about?”
“You haven’t spoken, or even acknowledge anything around you. You’ve been this way for a week, Tavi.”
“Oh,” I looked down to his hairy hands.
“Tavi, I . . . I was so scared. There was nothing I could do, I thought I lost you, Kitten. All you would do was sit on this couch, look at the fire. You wouldn’t do anything else.”
“It hasn’t been a week,” I protested.
He nodded his head. “Yes. You wouldn’t talk, I found you in the snow at the end of the driveway, in the middle of the forest.
“You were talking to yourself. Your cat was cuddled inside your jacket pocket. I had to tackle you to the ground. I brought you back to the car. When we got back to the house, you wouldn’t come out of the car.
“You just sat there. For the longest time, I thought you were scared or angry, you wouldn’t leave. Then I had to move you, and you did nothing. You had a blank look on your face. You didn’t react to anything I said or did, I was so scared Tavi. I thought I lost you forever.”
I had no idea what to say. “Are you angry with me?”
He gave a smile; half smile, put a hand to my face and shook his head. “No, kiddo, I’m not mad at you.”
“You sure?”
He nodded. “I could not get you to do anything though. It scared me. I brought you inside, thinking you needed to warm up, and I put you next to the fire. I had to do everything for you. You went to your bed and didn’t get up for two days. That’s when I knew you weren’t scared.”
“What did you have to do for me?” I asked.
“Everything. I thought you were dead at one point.”
“Really?”
“You wouldn’t even open a book. I would place a book on your lap, but it just stayed there.”
“It doesn’t feel like a week.”
“Your kitty was worried about you too.”
I rolled my eyes. “Why? He can take care of himself.”
“Because like me, he loves you.”
I sighed. “Why didn’t you just let me run?”
“What?”
“Where you scared I would actually make it back home?”
He looked offended, but put a hand to my cheek, stroking it with his thumb. “This is home.”
I pushed away his hand. “I’m a bird in this place, do you know that?”
“A bird? You’re safe up here,” he said.
“Obliviously not.”
He looked away again. “I want you safe, and this is the best I can do.”
“By taking my freedom away?”
His eyes started to water up. Monsters don’t shed tears; they eat your soul and tear every human trait that is left in you. It was a trick. “You think I took away your freedom?” He was driving me insane.
“Don’t you?” I asked, trying my best to keep eye contact. “This is not freedom. I am scared of you William. That’s not love, William that is fear. Don’t you understand?”
He opened his mouth to reply, but I shook my head. I kept going, “You never asked me once if I wanted to be here. You forced me here, to come live with you, in your little Ivory Tower. I have never hated a place as much as I hate this place. I am a bird. Please, I just want to leave. I just want to be free.”
His eyes gave away how hurt he was. My heart was racing.
All I could think was please don’t hit me. But he just nodded and said, “I see. Can we possibly meet in the middle?”
I moaned. “What?”
“Let’s meet in the middle. You know I’m not going to let you go. You know I can’t, but maybe I could allow a lot more freedom. I don’t see why you can’t handle it, and I guess it would drive you crazy being in the cabin every day. But we can work it out. I really want this to work out. I’ll let you have more freedom.”
I nodded, forcing myself to give in. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
Tick tock, tick tock.
“What’s for dinner?” I asked. “I’m really hungry.”
He laughed, and then hugged me. I didn’t hug back. I just waited for it to be over, and then we went to the kitchen to decide what to eat.
Later that night, I cried into my pillow after William said his goodnights. I pretended I was asleep so I didn’t have to say it back. It felt like hours had gone by. I couldn’t help to think of everybody back home.
Did they miss me? I watched the snowfall outside my window. The doe was out there, and she was watching me still. “What do you want?” I asked even though she was too far away. She was just staring at me.
“Go away!” I screamed at her. I heard footsteps coming to my room. I covered myself, silently praying to a God that I was unsure of, and pretended I was asleep. William came in.
“Tavi?” I didn’t say anything. He stroked my hair.
He knew I wasn’t really asleep. “I know you were crying. I know you’re always crying. I’m sorry.” My chest was tightening. “I’m sorry I couldn’t have gotten you earlier.” I tighten my fist that held onto my blanket. He stopped what he was doing. I felt him kissing my forehead. It burned me alive. He felt my arms for a few seconds, slowly, taking in every skin cell. I held my breath, but he had stopped and I heard footsteps out the door.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
