I didn’t talk to him for the next week. Nothing more than a one word responded. He didn’t like that at all. I practiced everyday with the bow and arrow, pretending it was William as the target. Sometimes he would sit outside and watch me, other times he was in his shed. We didn’t talk, I didn’t look at him. A few times, he would throw a comment like, “I guess you’re mad at me today, what’s new?” to make me feel guilty. Sometimes it worked, but more often than not, I just tuned him out.
“Tavi,” he said coming up to me after the fifth day of not talking to him. My eye was still black along with my heart. I pulled the bow back and let go of the arrow.
I hit the outside of the red. I was getting better. I imagined his stupid hairy face. William was nervous and he should be. He knew he couldn’t control the way I felt, and it bothered him.
The night of us talking, that last night we actually talked, he understood that was just a special conversation that didn’t mean anything to me. He was drunk and stupid. I was scared and alone. I guess I was angry that my friend, the one that was supposed to help me, didn’t.
“What,” I groaned. Just having him ten feet near me made me furious.
“Look, let’s talk, we need to make this clear. I think we need to talk about this again,” he said with a sigh. “I don’t think I really got my point across, and plus I was drunk and I don’t remember what I had said-”
“You know, you’re just simply amazing,” I said, letting my bow down. “We had a good conversation, and you don’t remember it at all. It was so good, I actually almost started to like you, but because you were so drunk, it was pointless and meaningless.”
He looked to the trees, trying to just look anywhere but me. “I’m sorry-”
“For what?” I cut him off. “Hitting me? Screaming? Yeah, I heard you loud enough.”
His eyes slowly turn to me, staring at me, planning. “Tavi, we need a better relationship than this.”
“Geez, sorry, thought you were really into kidnapped girls,” I rolled my eyes, holding my bow up, and eyeing the target. When I let go, I hit just the outside the middle. His eyes burning into me was felt, I knew they were there, but I didn’t give any attention to it.
“Tavi,” he warned.
“No, William, I don’t think he really understand what you did.”
“I brought you up here, to-”
“Protect me, I know,” I rolled my eyes again.
“You can let me finish, you know,” he growled.
I put the bow down, and turned my full body to him. “You say you love me, but do you truly think this is the best thing for me?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
I just shook my head, and turn back to the target. “You’ll never understand.”
“I don’t know what I said, Tavi, please, help me out here-”
“Leave me alone,” I said trying to get away from him, walking up to the target full of arrows.
“I don’t know what I did wrong,” he said.
“You hit me!” I gripped the arrow and he could see it, even from where he was standing. “I don’t understand you. You got drunk, and you hit me. You lied to me! You told me you were going to let me go.”
“Tavi, I was very drunk, please forgive me.”
“Why should I? I hate you William, I hope you know that.”
His voice was starting to shake. “I’m sorry.”
I didn’t say anything. I walked passed him, and he tried grabbing my arm, but I pulled it away, ignored him and walked back to the place I started. The snow had caught my eye, and I lost all motivation.
I put up the bow and arrows in the greenhouse like he wanted me. He was following. I didn’t even look or speak to him. He acted like a lost puppy wanting my attention. He was starving for me. With my nose turned up into the air, I walked by.
“Tavi, please talk to me,” he begged.
I don’t remember what I said exactly. I think I told him to get some help, or he was mental. But whatever it was, it through him overboard. When I walked through the front door to the house, he screamed my name at the top of his lungs.
When I didn’t reply, he pushed me against the wall, screaming the F word over and over again. He knocked the wind out of me. He kept shaking me so violently. I felt I was falling apart.
“I saved you!” he screamed. He forced me against the wall, pushing me against my shoulders with his two hands. I was scared, really scared. He was face to face with me. It was stone, cold, and hard. “I saved you from that man! I’ve saved you from so much! Because of me, you’ll never have to get hurt!”
“Please, stop,” I whispered, closing my eyes. If I didn’t see him, he wasn’t there, that was when I was safe. But those where just lies I told myself. He still existed, he was still there.
“I don’t think you understand! I saved you! I saved you, Tavi! Without me, you would be in danger! I am your protector, I am the judge. Open your damn eyes!”
My eyes stayed closed. “Please stop,” I said, trying to push him away, but he started to shake me by the shoulders.
“You don’t even realize it! I am stronger! I am your protector! I am the judge! You owe me! You owe me so much! I am-”
“You’re a monster!” I yelled back. That’s when he grabbed my throat and squeezed my neck. I tried to breathe, to make him let go of my neck. I was gasping, needing air. I started to see black spots.
He threw me onto the ground. That’s when things happened. As I was fighting him, he held me down with one arm, and with the other, he started to tug at my clothes. “You owe me so much.”
“You’re killing me,” I screamed. “Stop!”
“Why don’t you thank me, instead of pushing me away? Tavi! Please, tell me!”
“Get off of me!” I screamed, starting to cry.
“I am the judge, and you owe me.”
When I realized what he was talking about, what he was about to do, I froze up. All the strength I had in my body, it all went numb. There was no stopping him, so I started to count like he told me the first day I woke up.
One . . .Two
I could feel the cold on my bare legs.
Three
It pinched, really hard.
Four. . .Five.
The world started to shake, and if I just laid there, it would be over soon.
Five . . Six . .six.
It felt like forever, waiting.
Seven .
He didn’t even look at me.
Seven . . .Eight . . Three. .
Wait, I was getting my numbers mixed up.
Eight . .Nine . .
He stopped, and I suddenly felt like I had been thrown into a flood.
Nine . . .nine. . .
The shaking stopped, the weight came off, he was gone.
Nine . . ten. . .
The door opened made my skin was numb and cold, but my world was burning from the inside. It was hurting so badly, I couldn’t move. I laid there, in a puddle of blood.
I sat up, and saw he was there at the end of the puddle with a paper towel. When he saw me looking at him, I crawled backward until I hit the counter. He stared, reached out to me. I was shaking, bones rattling, teeth dancing inside my mouth. Air wouldn’t enter right. It was coming in short. A panic attack was crawling. Something more than that.
He laughed at me. “Anyone could do this to you. You’re just lucky it was me. You’re weak. You’re small. That man was going to fuck up your life pretty badly if I wasn’t there. Any man would love to have you in their sheets.”
I couldn’t listen to him, but he words attacked me like knives and razors.
“One way or another, it would have happened. Girls get easier as they get older. But you’re safe here. You really are safe here.”
He reached out for me, but I gasped. He gently put a hand on my shoulder and crawled closer, putting the other arm around me. He was hugging me.
After what felt like a lifetime, he had let go and I got up, slowly, and without control, I slowly walked to the shower. When the water turned on, it was cold, but I didn’t care. Soap, water, clean, that’s all that came to mind. I sat in the shower for an hour, letting the blood drain.
Soap, water, clean.
Clean, water, soap.
Clean . . . clean . . .that’s all I wanted.
I started to think about the snow, all of it falling from the sky. The snowflakes were really like humans, every one of them so different. They looked so innocent, but snow can burn you, kill you, hurt you in the blink of an eye. Those were the acid snowflakes.
I think I now understood what William had met.
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