Trigger warnings: child abuse, cutting915Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNOVa9Hr2X
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Knowing dozens of pairs of eyes were on her and Paige, Selah stared at the sidewalk as Paige dragged her by the wrist away from Mila’s house.
Why couldn’t everyone just get along? Of course people could make mistakes that led to long-term consequences, but what about learning and moving on? There was enough hatred and cruelty in the world, and a person’s life was short and precious in Selah’s eyes.
But with her eyes she saw her best friend take off her restraint and descend into the easy way out. It was what seemed to damage Christy’s relationship with her brother, what lit up a terrifying fire in Paige’s eyes when she attacked Christy.
Now Paige chained Selah to her like a prisoner when Selah had no reason to be a part of this. Although, now that she thought about it, Christy still hated Selah long after she stupidly tattletaled on her. And while she would always remember Christy’s rumors about her, she was just getting tired at this point. Being angry required so much energy. How could Christy handle it every single day?
Sadie and Mark followed both Paige and Selah heading toward Mark’s black sedan. But then in the corner of her eye, Selah noticed James close behind them with his head hanging low. He didn’t have to be dragged into this, too.
Out of nowhere, a loud whistle spiked the air. “James!” Dave yelled from the front porch. “We’re gonna play beer pong! Are you coming?” Gary appeared by Dave’s side.
Selah didn’t consider her gaydar to be that good, but how much more obvious could Gary be? And did Dave even know yet?
Smiling to herself, she looked from the pair to James, who stopped walking and stared at them, at Paige, and back at them. Selah’s smile disappeared.
He glanced at Paige again. Coming to a halt, she gave him a fierce glare, and it seemed to do it for James as he sighed and yelled back, “Nah, I’m good!”
Paige grinned. “Good boy.” But James said nothing and followed everyone to Mark’s car. Selah did truly appreciate that he cared about Paige more, but for a moment there, it seemed as though she was forcing him.
It was like there was drama in every direction.
Paige came to an abrupt stop by the passenger side of the car and faced the group. “So obviously that plan was the biggest L I’ve ever taken. Thanks a lot, Sadie!”
“At least I wasn’t the one that took for-fucking-ever to get back at Chris!” Sadie yelled.
“We probably shouldn’t do that again,” Mark asked as he rubbed his eyes. “Now everyone knows about this.”
“Good, now they can see how bitchy Chris really is,” Sadie spat.
“More like how both of them are,” James cut in. But when Paige shot him another shiver-inducing glare, he closed his mouth. Selah bit her lip from smiling. It was kind of cute yet strange seeing him scared like that. What on Earth did Paige do to him?
“Both of you are kinda bitchy,” Sadie confessed.
“Whatever!” Paige threw her hands up. “None of you can back out of this okay? And now that she knows, we gotta be more, like, subtle.”
“But how can we do that when my friends are helping her too?” James murmured.
“We’ll...figure something out,” Paige said. “I’ve never been in this war-type of shit before, but whose fault is that?”
Selah wanted to say it was partly Paige’s for not trying to have an honest, healing talk about the past with Christy, but she figured bringing that up would keep the discussion running in circles. She was never really good at saying the right things.
Paige folded her arms. “Well, we’re not poisoning her again. Any other ideas?”
“I have a bunch of prank ideas,” Sadie replied. “A lot of them I can do at home ‘cause she lives with me.” She grinned.
“Wait, when are you guys getting a new place?” Paige asked Mark.
“We actually found a house, but we don’t move in till next week.”
“I could do that flaming bag of shit prank,” Sadie said with a grin, but then she looked down. “Nevermind, that’s just mean.”
“I’d be extra careful ‘cause Dave and Carter did a lot of pranks in middle school,” James said.
“You got any better ideas then?” Sadie shot back.
He raised his hands. “Look, I know about this crap as much as Paige does. I could just tell you which ideas’ll work. I know ‘cause I’ve known them since eighth grade.”
“Alright, you do that,” Paige said. “Mark?”
He shrugged.
“Selah?”
She shook her head. She was the last person to come up with these kinds of ideas.
“Then I guess we’re stuck with Sadie’s kid pranks.” Paige sighed. “We could spread bullshit rumors about her too. And I bet you guys have hilarious stories about her.”
Selah let out a sneeze, her nose getting clogged again. At least it wasn’t from her allergies back at the country club. But now she would’ve rather had it be the type of sneeze that didn’t come so that she wasn’t seeing Paige grow angry.
Paige turned to James and spat out, “By the way, you got her sick!”
Selah’s face heated up instantly as he widened her eyes at her. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, but Paige always made a point to blame things on other people, especially James.
“Oh,” he said quietly. “I didn’t know.”
“Ever thought you should stay away from people when you’re sick?”
“It wasn’t his fault,” Selah finally said. “I was just trying to help him. I should’ve stayed away but I didn’t.”
Paige just rolled her eyes. “Maybe he should help you too. But wait, he’s not gonna. He has a party to get to, right?”
“I’m sorry, Selah,” he said, seeming to ignore Paige. “But I did get better. So...thanks. And sorry again.” He lifted a corner of his lips, and as he backed away toward Mila’s house, he slipped on a rock and whispered a quiet “shit.”
Selah couldn’t help but smile, mostly because he sounded really sweet saying sorry though he didn’t need to. There was no doubt that it was her fault for being around him a lot when he was sick. She was just more worried about his health.
And the fact that James seemed to be intimidated by Paige so easily was just funny to Selah. Paige always acted bitter when he was brought up, and with her bossing him around too, what exactly happened between them? The only thing Selah could guess was a past relationship, but she didn’t remember Paige saying there had been.
And thinking that they were together once was just a really, really weird feeling.
Sadie headed toward her car as Mark got to the driver side of his and Paige to the passenger side.
“Wait,” Selah said.
“Hm?” She paused her hand on the handle.
“Is there something going on between you and James?”
Paige’s eyebrows furrowed. “Besides the fact that he’s on my side? No. Why?”
“Oh. Nevermind then.” Maybe she really was overthinking it. Paige just needed to have as many people on her side as she could, especially since James called her about what Christy and Carter did to her right away. Paige was just intimidating at times, which Selah completely understood.
And it was nice to see she’d have her back, even if it was just James.
Selah closed the car door behind her and waved Mark and Paige goodbye as the car backed out of the driveway. Sighing, she took her keys out of her bag and walked toward the front door. She could feel the usual aching in her bones that came with the flu and loved the idea of diving right into bed.
After she closed the front door, the sight of Logan in the corner of her eye gave her a mini-heart-attack. She folded her arms instantly and glanced down at her workout clothes, which Paige had forced her to buy at the mall though Selah hadn’t worn them until today.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you,” she murmured as her eyes wandered to the floor.
He stopped in the middle of the hallway with a protein shake in one hand, his other hand running over his light brown scruff. “How was the country club?”
“It was fine. I just played some tennis.” And now that she thought about it, that was really all she did, as well as sneeze the most times a human could in half an hour. “But now I'm sick, so I’m gonna go take a nap.”
“Oh, alright. Hope you feel better.”
“Thanks.” She headed upstairs and sighed, glad to enjoy her alone time. It was usually better than another forced conversation with Emily or Logan. She hadn’t even wanted them to know she was going to the country club, but how was she supposed to know they’d be at home today? It was one of the random days they took off to spend time together.
After closing her bedroom door, she turned to the mirror only to grimace at her workout clothes. It was like seeing her head on a different person’s body.
She bet she embarrassed Nolan and Paige when she hit almost every ball out of the court. Her hand-eye coordination just wasn’t as good as it used to be.
But that shouldn’t have been a surprise when, following her overdose, she used to be so bad that she spent weeks upon weeks with her physical therapist. She could still try a hand at some sports, but her reactions would be slightly slower than normal.
She would’ve been fine with a deficit in just sports, but she had to spend just as much time relearning how to write and draw. She did get back to normal in that area, but she still had small tremors in her hand that came when she was writing too fast. Only a few people mentioned it to her, but there wasn’t much she could do to hide the tremors, except maybe move her hand away and pretend she was doodling.
Her biggest failure was definitely losing her sense of balance. That meant no more riding bikes, and Mrs. Forrey had said it was a lost cause trying since that part of the brain was damaged. No matter how amazing the human brain was, once injured, it could reach the point of no return.
She didn’t really need to ride a bike that often anyway. She had her car, and walking was always better than sitting in her car with the exception that it just took more time.
It was a price she was willing to pay for what she did that night in the bathroom.
Still facing the mirror, she took the hem of her long-sleeved shirt and pulled it over her head. She had her black sports bra on, but it looked odd with the two stab-wound scars on her right flank, along with several cutting scars on her wrists and inner arms below her armpits. She was probably just used to seeing Instagram models with flawless skin in their workout clothes.
Selah took her pants off next, revealing more scar lines on her inner thighs, and when she turned she found the ones on her calves. Facing forward again, she could find the last few scars on her hips peeking from behind her underwear.
As she looked down at the workout clothes in her hands, she remembered Paige saying long sleeves and pants would get her really sweaty. But Selah would’ve rather had that than lots of rude stares.
She threw her workout clothes, as well as sports bra and underwear, into the laundry basket holding some of her pants and long-sleeved shirts and sweaters. After she found a towel tucked in her closet, her phone let out a chime on her bed.
Picking it up, she saw it was a Facebook message from Angela. Hey are you going to the beach cleanup next Sat?
Yup!
Good, I don’t wanna go alone. It’s sooo boring.
Selah made a face. Don’t you like the beach?
Yeah but not cleaning it. Soo glad I’m finishing my volunteer hours this year.
Selah almost rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to be reminded that most people like Angela volunteered just for college applications. Brb, I have to shower.
After Angela sent a thumbs-up emoji, Selah turned off her phone and went to the bathroom with her towel.
Miss Wallace pulled up in front of her small house, then turned to Selah sitting in the backseat. “Welcome home!” she said with a smile. Her hazel eyes were pretty, and so was her long brown hair.
Selah returned her smile, feeling just as excited as Miss Wallace sounded. She always imagined her house to be clean and pretty with fun colors. She might actually be the right adoptive parent for her.
Miss Wallace walked to the back of the car and opened the trunk to pull out Selah’s bags. After Selah came out, Miss Wallace said, “Go wait at the door. I’ll show you around.”
Selah jumped onto the doormat and watched the woman put down the bags and unlock the front door with her keys. The place turned out to be a bit messy and the walls didn’t have pretty colors, but before Selah could see everything else, Miss Wallace took her to her new room.
The walls had a peach color and the bed was red. At least her room was nice. “This is your bed, and here’s a desk, for doing homework and all that.” Miss Wallace set the bags on the bed.
“Wow,” Selah said as she sat on the bed. “Thanks, Miss Wallace.”
“You can call me Mom, you know.” She smiled, her hands gripping her hips.
“Right. Mom.” She would need a while to get used to it, but so far the woman really did seem like she’d be a great mom.
“Oh, and I have these clothes I want you to try!” She walked to the closet and picked out some small dresses, showing them to Selah.
“They’re pretty,” she said.
“Here, try this one on first.” She held up a pink dress.
Selah went into the bathroom next to her bedroom with the dress. She had just put her feet through the skirt, but it got hard pulling the dress up to her shoulders. She was able to do it, but she couldn’t breathe.
She walked out and showed Mom the dress, and Mom jumped up and down as she clapped her hands.
“Absolutely gorgeous! Try the other ones!”
So she did, but she didn’t know if it was just her, or they were getting smaller and smaller. As she showed Mom just a yellow T-shirt and blue jeans, she finally said, “Um, I think all of these are too small for me.”
“No, they fit you just fine! These clothes actually used to be for my daughter, but… she never got to wear them.” Her hazel eyes looked sad, and Selah decided the clothes were fine. Having new clothes was better than being stuck with her old ones.
After she tried on a few more outfits, they returned to the living room where there were pieces of clothing and food lying in random places. Then Mom took her to the kitchen where there was more food lying around and in the sink piles of dirty dishes.
“Sorry, I get messy when I cook,” Mom said.
“It’s okay.”
She stopped walking and turned to Selah. “I was wondering if you could help me clean up a bit? I’d really appreciate the help.”
“Sure.”
She laid a hand on her own chest. “Thank you so much, Selah.”
Selah just smiled. She would honestly do anything it took to stay with this very nice woman.
Then Mom led her to the garage. As soon as she opened the door, a really gross smell hit Selah’s nose. She clamped a hand over her nose and mouth. There were mountains and mountains of objects, most of which seemed to be unused for a while. Mom opened the garage, and when she glanced down at Selah, she looked confused.
“What’s wrong?”
Mom seemed to know how dirty her house was, so Selah went with the truth. “It’s really smelly.”
“What? No. I don’t smell anything.” She sniffed the air and shrugged. “It smells fine.”
Selah shook her head. “Maybe you have old food in here.”
“Um, no I don’t,” Mom said, her voice rising. “It smells absolutely fine. Maybe there’s something wrong with you.” Her hazel eyes suddenly grew dark, and Selah’s heart started beating faster.
“Wait, I--” Selah began.
“Shut up!” The woman slapped her across the face.
Selah sucked in a sharp breath and held her cheek. She always had her real dad slap her, but she didn’t think anyone else would.
“You take back what you said,” the woman scolded.
Selah opened her mouth, but no words came out. All she could think about was the fact that her new mom just slapped her.
The woman kneed her in the stomach. Selah let out a yelp at the sharp pain and held her arms over her stomach, but then the woman kicked her upper arm. Tears flowed down Selah’s cheeks as she kept holding onto her stomach and arm, her knees buckling beneath her until they fell onto the ground.
“Don’t cross me like that again, okay?” Then she smiled. “I’ll show you the pantry. You can take a snack but that’s it.”
Selah tried to get up but couldn’t since the pain in her stomach wouldn’t go away. The woman grabbed her elbow, lifted her up, and dragged her toward the pantry. She slapped a bag of chips against Selah’s stomach. Selah let out a whimper, but the woman seemed to ignore her as she closed the pantry door.
“Dinner isn’t until nine. It takes me a while to cook.”
Selah just nodded as her eyes stayed on the hardwood floor.
“I have to go somewhere for a couple hours, so you get to have the whole house to yourself!”
Selah managed to whisper, “Where are you going?”
The woman looked a bit worried, then angry again. “You don’t need to know where I am. Don’t be nosy, it’s annoying.” She went into the living room where she had left her purse, checked that she had everything she needed, then closed the front door behind her.
Selah dropped the bag of chips on the floor and finally let out tears that begged to be released. For once, she thought she had another chance for a normal life. Miss Wallace seemed so sweet and her smiles were pretty, and when she said she had a home all to herself, Selah thought of all the commercials and movies she had seen. In them the mom usually cooked and served food at the dinner table, then the kids would watch TV and have funny conversations with their mom. They would even play the fun board games in the commercials and go out shopping together over the weekends.
But how could Selah do any of these things without her mother slapping and kicking her?
Selah could never, ever have the life that normal kids had. Maybe it meant that she didn’t deserve it. Maybe it meant that no normal parent was a good fit for her. She had to live with her true parents, and if she didn’t listen to them, she’d get hurt even more, maybe to the point of bleeding until she died.
But she didn’t want to die. There was still some hope she had in this mom. As long as Selah was her best around her, she could love Selah enough to not kill her.
Selah wiped the tears away with the skirt of her blue dress. Then she looked through the kitchen drawers, until she found a pair of scissors. With the kitchen lights shining against the blade, Selah’s eyes never left it. She imagined slicing her skin with the blade. Though painful, it could help get rid of the even bigger pain that stayed in her heart, even if it was just for a while.
She picked the scissors up before she could change her mind. Knowing there would be a bloody mess on the dishes if she did it right then and there, she ran to the bathroom and locked the door.
She stood in front of the mirror and saw the tiny blue dress still squeezing her body. Her stomach hurt less, but the even bigger pain that always came back was still there. She just wanted a break from it. Just for a while, she wished it would get smaller like the pain in her stomach did.
Holding her left wrist above the sink, she widened the scissors with her other hand. She blinked. What if it was going to hurt a lot? What if she was gonna bleed too much? What if this wasn’t gonna help the bad feelings?
She let out a loud whimper, then started sobbing. All she wanted was to get these sad and ugly thoughts out of her head. How else could she keep going if she was stuck here, for possibly the rest of her life? She just needed to do something. Anything.
She needed to find a way to deal with a life full of pain.
Without thinking, she held the blade to her wrist and pressed hard, standing the pain until blood spilled out of her pale skin. She dropped the scissors in the sink and took in deep breaths as she gripped her arm. Taking in more deep breaths, she closed her eyes and let the strength of the feelings leave with the blood. As her breathing slowed, she opened her eyes and looked at the mirror.
It was a little bit of pain, but she could still carry it.
She just had to be strong enough.
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