I woke up with terrible throat pain and a headache after drinking so much the night before. I was still tired when I opened my eyes. I was just thinking about sleeping more and forgetting about the world, but I stood up, and I found myself wanting to live another day.
I was alone in bed, then I decided to change my clothes, and I followed some rose petals outside- towards the emergency stairs. Inside I was slightly excited; maybe this was it: Tom was going to propose.
It was sunny on the roof that morning, and there was a layer of melted snow covering the floor. I imagined the winter sun had made it melt onto that unappealing puddle. I was supposed to be surprised, but I wasn’t, I had a terrible headache that morning, and I just wanted to go back to bed.
Tom appeared behind me, he was wearing a black coat and a white woolly jumper, and he smelled nice. I moved towards the table he had set up, and I realised I was not ready to be proposed. It was a perfect set up; Flowers, food, tea. A gorgeous man looking at me as if I was the only existing thing on the planet, but I wouldn't allow myself to be happy after doing whatever I had done. I was not my father, but I might as well be. I wanted to fuck Nikolaus that night, and I maybe would have if I had stayed for longer. Maybe, I was not meant to be with anybody. In reality, I am who I am, and there is nothing…
“Annie, what happened yesterday?” he asked, breaking the ice. I looked towards him, I was still going through my self-destruction in my head.
“I was with Nikolaus,” I said, there was no more lies between us now, I think.
“Did you fuck him?” Tom replied. Tom was expressionless, but I knew exactly what he was thinking. Eres una zorra.
“What do you think?” I asked him, Tom stood up, and he swiped his arms across the table, shoving everything on the floor.
“FUCK!” he yelled, I jumped from my seat scared, I had never seen such reaction from him.
“Nothing happened between us!” I yelled back, and honestly, you know it is the truth.
“Yeah sure, you wanted to believe you after everything Annie!?” Tom said as he approached me; I stepped back, I knew if I moved any further, I would probably fall to my death, probably I deserved it. However, Tom just kissed me, confusing me.
I kissed him back, and Tom caressed my stomach, he pulled me towards him and suddenly there is music. We start dancing together, and for the very first time, I realised how much of a good dancer he was. Tom was angry, but he still kissed me. My sweet and wild man. I was all his. We ended up in bed having wild sex.
“So I met Niko by accident, and he invited us for dinner. I told him I was with you, but for some weird reason I decided that I should go to see him; I couldn’t do it you know…I wouldn’t have hesitated in the past to do it…”
“What didn’t you do?” Asked Tom caressing my naked shoulders.
“Have sex with him…I thought I would, but nothing happened. I love you…” I said, Tom puts his finger in my mouth and whispers “Shhh, I love you too” Tom kissed me softly. I break inside. Nothing would make this man leave my side, would it?
His soft tongue caressed mine, again I feel like I am going to break onto a million pieces. Tom pulls my head backwards, and he starts kissing my face and then my body. His nipple kisses were the best. I felt the passion brewing inside me. The intensity rose as I realised I was hungry for him again. I was the void, and he was the light at the end of it. He grabs my face vigorously and makes me suck two of his fingers carefully.
“That’s right Annie, I like that…” he said. I took control after that and I rode him once again. Passion was us. I am not sure how much sex we had in Paris, but for both of us, it was an out of body experience. It was the kind of lovemaking you only gain once in life, and I had it with him. Thomas Houben. Tom held my waist as we approached the millionth orgasm, and we just released. This was everything, it was the moment I could die. I stayed alive.
Tom and I showered after our hours of passion, and then we go through one of those necessary tours of a city.
Imagine a random French montage; that is what we did. Tom took pictures of me and us, and Wow, Paris was a fucking great city.
“Tom, come on’ let me take a picture of you…” I said as we rested by a fountain somewhere. My lover gave me his camera, and I took one picture of him. The perfect picture.
Honestly, I am shit at photography, but Tom adored that picture.
In the evening Tom and I left Winston with Theo (Tom’s french mate), and we went to a fancy restaurant. We wore nice outfits, and from all the sex we were famished. I kept thinking about Mark when we were there but Tom’s attention kept me distracted. We ordered some food, and I went straight to the bathroom, and I was approached by an Asian man on my way back to Tom.
“T’es seule?” The Asian man asked me, he was looking straight to my breasts. I denied it.
“Pardon,” I replied, and I walked away. Tom was at our seat: looking at me with jealousy. Jealous Tom, a sight I had to still get used to.
“Wanker…” he murmured to himself when I was approaching him.
We ate our dinner, and we returned to the hotel, we had sex again, and Tom disappeared not much after that. I kind of went through his stuff while he was gone.
Since Tom had told me he had communicated with Mark I felt paranoid, and I couldn’t stop thinking that perhaps; I found Tom’s manuscript inside his suitcase.
This version had a picture of me stapled onto it. “Broken.” The next page:
For Annie.
Chapter one
Michael is alone, he is always alone. He would like to be chasing after a dream, despite not having any dreams at all. Perhaps developing a dream was going to help him to find his real purpose in the world.
But for now, he is just wondering where everybody is on his first day of class at university. Michael understands that nobody was going to ask him who he was or what was his real purpose in life, but he was hopeful something new was going to happen in his life.
An hour goes by, and a weird blue light shone faintly in at the open window. Students started arriving, and he waits for all of them to sit.
I need to admit I was quite entertained with the book until Tom returned.
“Are you reading my manuscript?” Tom asked curiously, Winston jumped on the bed and licked my entire face. I just said “I’m reading it, yes.” while also laughing my ass off because of the dog.
“I wonder what was your inspiration?” I asked.
“Read the last chapter. I have two alternative endings. One where Michael dies and one where he actually lives. I am not sure which one to choose yet. My publisher wants me to send him the last chapter, but I have no idea yet.” said Tom, he then picked the camera from the desk and took a picture of me.
“Hey! I’m still naked.” I said trying to cover my body with the bedsheet, Tom pulled the laptop away from me and then took another picture.
“Come on’ pose for me, we’re in Paris after all,” Tom said. I blushed and I uncovered my body.
“What pose should I do?” I asked.
“Stand straight in front of the window, looking outside to the lights. Just like in an ad, open the window a little bit too.”
“My ass is going to freeze once I open it!” I said, I stood up and went to do whatever he told me to do.
“Nice,” Tom said and he took the picture. He then dragged a lamp next to me. “It’ll give a nice shine to your hair.” Okay.
Tom and I had our photography session and we then did it again. I think we had not had enough of each other, and I didn’t want our holiday trip to Paris to end. Could we stay in France and forget about returning home?
After we finished the picture-taking session I read the final chapter that he wrote. I realised immediately it was about us; it was about the last time we had seen each other before I moved to Switzerland with Mark. In the book, Michael tells the girl who he has always loved to stay with him. The woman of course does. They get together and after all the bad things that happened both had found meaning to their lives.
This ending was good. I am not sure why he would have chosen the second one when the main character just killed himself. Tom and I didn’t discuss both endings, but I couldn’t deny the thought that passed through my head: was Tom going to kill himself if I didn’t end up with him?
I knew Tom, and I knew he did not suffer from a mental illness. I thought that perhaps we were both dumb and got along with Drama, but neither of us would do something so…egoistical.
I knew that the time was coming where I had to decide what I was going to do. I think I had already decided I was going to quit everything for him…I actually had no fucking idea of what to do. None of my problems had been solved in the past few days; I kept trying to cover my thoughts with sex. Nothing better than sex really.
It was 3am when I left the room. I had a lot to think about, like what I really wanted in life, and if spending all this time chasing after some man was what I needed to do. In those moments I missed my mum. She would probably set me straight and tell me to end my relationship with both men and focus on myself. She would probably have enough of Mark and our bullshit together. My mother had no trouble with my siblings, and I was the odd one that resembled more, my dad. I fucking hated being like him. A player. A cheater, A liar.
“You know we never really talked about anything back then…” I told Nikolaus. He was oddly quiet, and he looked extremely tired. Yes. I had come to visit him at 4am after I couldn’t fall asleep.
“You are not a bad person Annie. You are also not a whore because of the things you did in the past. That’s it. Back then we didn’t have to talk. I think we just followed our bodies and the game. You know I appreciate you, and I perhaps even said I loved you at some point, but I think…my love…you know…that kind of love is just passing by. It’s..what’s the word? Ephemeral. I don’t know if the kind of love you have for Tom is enough, but is anything never enough in our little existence in the universe?
I was wowed, I had never heard Niko speak this kind of language, I thought he was just a basic blonde.
“I don’t know. I keep feeling guilty for not choosing Mark. I feel guilty for…getting on that plane to Paris with Tom. I respect Mark, he is a great guy but…”
“It is never enough…” said Niko. “It’s the same with my wife honestly, and I don’t know why I married so young.”
“How is she?”
“She is pregnant…” Nikolaus revealed. I gasped and gave him a smile.
“I can’t believe you’re going to be a dad now…”
“I am certain is not mine but who cares…I already gave the woman enough headaches as it is. I think we’re getting a divorce next year.”
“Who knows, everything changes with a baby…Jesus,” I said. I didn’t feel mature enough to be a mother. I was still immature and…terrible.
“Yeah…my parents are ecstatic about it.” and I couldn’t think of my own mother if I told her I was to have a baby. “Anyways, my kid…you should be her or his godmother!” Nikolaus yokes, I hit his shoulder.
“She fucking hates me…she wouldn’t!
“Don’t worry, I will make sure my baby knows your name!
“You’re crazy…
“You should head back before Tom wakes up and notices you left him alone…” said Nikolaus suddenly.
Going to Nikolaus didn’t solve my problems, I mean if I had Peter or Andreina it would have been different. I missed them both. I missed my fucking phone!
The next day in Paris we had a good day without Drama. Tom played the piano for me, and he sang and everything which is something I didn’t know he could do. The song was something that Matt had played for me once. However, Tom put a spin on the melody, and he made it jazzier. The fucker knew how to manipulate my heartstrings.
Being with Tom was just like dynamite. It was explosive.
Tom had demonstrated his talents, and I showcased mine. I played The heart asks pleasure first by Nyman.
I saw the passion burning in Tom’s eyes, and we went back to the room where we couldn’t stop ripping each other's clothes off. Tom held one of my breasts in the palm of his hand and slowly circled my areola with his tongue. He was very gentle in every move. Me: A fucking mess inside that I thought I was going to die. Pleasure. What else? We just did it. We did it and it was fucking great.
“I love you, Annie!” Tom moaned as he orgasmed. He was so considerate that he waited for me to have it first before he could relieve himself. Stranger than fiction. Fuck.
A new morning in Paris. Tom as every morning the past three days had disappeared with the dog. I was waiting still for the question, I just wanted him to ask me to become either his girlfriend or his fucking wife!
I went to the reception because I no longer wanted to be locked in a room, and I found Tom by the reception talking to the same blonde woman I had seen a couple of days before. I walked towards them without thinking much.
“Hi,” I said to both. Tom’s face went white and Winston licked my boot.
“Annie…we should get out of here.” Tom dragged me away from the blonde woman and he held my hand super hard so I couldn’t run away. I became nervous WTF? was he trying that I didn’t meet this woman? Who was she? Why was he doing this?
“Hey…what’s going on!?” I questioned him as we were crossing the street. Tom looked stressed, almost dying. Had he fucked her or something!? Did they have a past? Was she dangerous?
“Nothing is going on!” Tom yells. He pushes me against the window of the café in front of our hotel. The whole thing vibrated and people stopped to look at us. Toxic much!?
“Alright!” I yelled pushing him back, I almost stepped on Winston.
“We’re going back to England tomorrow.” Tom declared.
“I don’t understand…I thought we were going to stay until the 7th?” said while also slightly annoyed.
“Come on’ I have some plans for us today…” Tom replied. “You’ll have to trust me, Annie.”
Trust him? Trust him my ass.
“I am not going anywhere, sorry…” I said. “I need to prepare my stuff to leave tomorrow…” I had little stuff to move around.
“It is not the time for you to be a bitch about it okay? We’re going to the library? Happy? My friend Ethan said it was a great place to take you…
Maybe he was going to ask me there…to…I accepted. I guess.
I need to admit I had never had sex in a public place until that day in the library. Tom dragged me around and he winded me up to be just in the right mood so he could get into my pants. I didn’t know it was going to happen but I should’ve guessed it when he said:
“We’re not here to read.”
After we had sex behind one of the bookshelves we had dropped some books and there was one that picked my attention that was titled “What is love…” or in french “ qu'est l’amour?” I tried to open it but Tom just pulled it away.
“The answer is right in front of us. You and me. We are love.” he said. He then continued, very serious. “My representation of love is you, ever since the first day I met you, and no-one could ever love you more than I do. I never want you to forget it.”
Why was he saying this? Then Tom laughs. “Wow, I got a bit…come on’ there are still things to do together,” Tom added.
We were real. It was us. He hadn’t asked me to be his but I already was. Tom and I talked a lot about life and about our past as a couple, not so much about our future. Tom told me about his childhood and how his mother had had an affair with a neighbour, and how that affected his father. He then continued to talk about his unstable mother, and how she was really never happy with their family. Was I like her? Ws I never going to be really happy with any decision I make?
“You changed my outlook in life Annie. I really appreciate you for that. You made me fight for my place in the world. I think I had never felt alive until I had you as my competition…now you’re mine…
Was I really his though?
“You’re mine since that time in the motel…that is when I knew I was done for. I fell for you really hard that time, and I haven’t been able to move on…it’s funny that I could have any woman that I would like but I…need you. I love you.”
“Tom, you’re talking like you have a terminal illness or some bullshit.” Tom smiled and hugged me.
“I am of course ill. The bug of love bit me…again.” I didn’t know Tom could be cringe too! I laughed.
Tom and I returned to the hotel, and we walked the dog together later. We talked about nothing really, we just know we were returning to England the next day. Together. I smiled to myself.
The door knocked when we were resting having some burgers on top of our bed. We thought it might have been the cleaning person to take the food away, but it was the blonde woman. Tom pushed me away and went outside with her. Leaving me inside like an idiot.
Hey guys. Thanks for reading so far. 344Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawIiJ9akLX
I didn't manage to finish the translations last year, but I will hopefully these next two months. 344Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqg8aJXz83j
England is once again in a national lockdown so that has kept me from re-writing/translating this book. 344Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqNjYe0Mfb
It is really hard because Annie is such a complicated character to translate. She really doesn't know what she wants. 344Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMX5XF9UVsP
344Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6paWO5nfh
When I finish this story I am moving completely away from the romantic genre!
344Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fdjBPFMs0
