Next day we received a phone call from the lobby. Tom and I looked at each other and I spoke.
"Yes?"
"It’s me, Matt. I’m at the airport. Can you please find Tom and... tell him to call me as soon as possible?" Matt said. His voice sounded as if he had been crying for a long time. I pulled the phone away and covered it with my hand.
"it’s your brother. Something happened, you need to..." I said. Then I went back to the phone call.
"Where are you going? " I asked, Matt was crying now.
"It’s my mum Annie. She passed away early morning today. I have to go to my dad in Belgium. Tom needs to do the same." Matt said. I didn’t know what to say.
"When’s your flight leaving?" I asked.
"At 4pm...I really shouldn’t have come so early here..."
"Matt. I’ll be there with you okay. Are you at Milton Keynes?" I said. Tom looked at me. I hung up.
"Tom... I don’t know how to say this but...your mother passed away." I said Tom sighed.
"That was to be expected..."Tom said, uninterested. "My mother and I really didn’t have a relationship. I left home at 16 to live with my aunt...and... are you going to Belgium?"
"I am... I need to be there for Matt." I said. "I mean I know whatever happened with us last night...was a mistake. I am dating your brother and..."
"Bullshit Annie. I can’t believe you’re telling me this. "Tom was angry now. "You know what. Yes. Fucking leave to Belgium with him. Go to my dead’s mother funeral. If you want, you can also shag my father. " what he said hurt me and I slapped him.
"I know you’re hurt by this and... you’re just slashing out at me. Come with me to Belgium Tom. I think you need this. Our relationship can wait as well as me talking to your brother. I want to believe everything you said yesterday but first I need to think this through to see if l am doing the right decision." Tom held his face and sighed.
"I have no respect for that woman Annie. I don’t give a fuck she died." Tom said serious. A part of me wanted to believe he was lying.
My mother always said that when a man hated his own mother it wasn’t a good thing. She thought that was a massive red flag. However, my mother always missed the whole picture and I had no idea how was Tom’s relationship to his parents.
Had him been abused by his mother growing up? Did she beat him up? What the fuck had she done to him so he would not want to go to her funeral?
"I’m sorry she died Tom... I’m sorry your unresolved issues stayed that way." I said. Tom’s facial expressions relaxed.
"I didn’t hate her Annie...I think I loved her as much as a child can love his mother...but... things are complicated. I can’t go. I can’t face her..." he said. Tears started rolling down. I hugged him. I had never seen him crying in my life.
"I’ll go for you. At the end of the day, I kind of have part of you in me. " I mean I wasn’t pregnant nor anything and we hadn’t had sex since January but... we had kissed and I had stolen a part of his heart.
Oh my God, how pathetically romantic was I becoming?
Tom hugged me and I held him in my arms while the tears fell down his face. I wondered if this was the only time in my life I was going to see him cry.
I arrived to the airport at 2pm and found Matt on the other side. He kissed me, cried on me and asked me about Tom. I lied and I said he had work so he couldn’t escape and he would pay his respects later.
Our seats were side by side and by looking at him I just wondered if he had been lying to me all along. It was not the time or the place to wonder and I was just there as emotional support. I no longer considered me his girlfriend and I had kind of put our relationship in stand-by.
"You know, when my granddad died I was at my first year of university. He was in Venezuela and I couldn’t go to his funeral. I think I was sad because I really never got to say goodbye to him. He and I hadn’t been close but I really loved him. I had all the memories together as a child and...I wanted to go back there to see his grave and put some flowers. I never got to. " I said.
"Is that story meant to make me feel any better?"asked Matt with a tiny laugh, still crying. "Thank you for being here... it really means a lot. "He said, he then held my hand. "I love you." He said and I wondered if I loved him back.
The word had come out naturally, he was kind, handsome and he had only lied a little (perhaps) I could give him the benefit of the doubt and just continue our relationship.
This was not the time or the moment to consider anything. Here I was just... a shoulder to cry on.
Five hours later after taking connection flights we arrived at his hometown. It was a very warm day and the place was beautiful.
The place had a lake and it was small enough to walk everywhere. I had never been to Belgium and I was surprised when they were speaking a language I didn’t know. I thought they spoke French but...I was wrong.
I decided to call my mother and tell her that I was in Belgium. I called and my nephew replied. My mum had forgotten her phone at their house. I told him to let her know the news and the kid said he wouldn’t forget. It was early morning in Caracas and I really didn’t want him waking up my sister.
I called Tom next.
"I hope you’re careful. Thanks for being there. Call me when you get to the house. Annie. One more thing...I love you. Don’t forget that." He said and I hung up.
I mean I had put myself in this situation. I had flirted with Matt and he fell in love with me and.. Tom has always loved me (apparently). I had the love of two men but did I love either? Or did I just liked the idea of two handsome men dying for me?
I wanted to be single so much but I always seemed to drag myself into relationships. Maybe there was something wrong with me.
Before going to the house we went to a restaurant and had no idea what I ordered. The food was interesting nonetheless, and ended up throwing part of it to a dog who was underneath a table next to mine. The dog’s owner didn’t notice and the dog ate the food happily.Matt didn’t notice either.
Everybody in that place knew Matt. Everywhere we went people talked to him and his family. They were sorry for his loss. I was too honestly.
After the funeral we decided to go together to the lake. We got in a small boat and Matt was rowing. His arms looked firm and nice. I had sex with him the night before so...you know how it is. I still wanted more. It was super warm and I felt in South America. I took my sweater off and soon regretted it when a draft of cold air got to me and froze me. Matt laughed.
"Tom is the same. When we were kids... he would do the exact same thing as you.." he said. He looked at my eyes. "I need to admit something. After the funeral, after everything that happened... I need to tell you the truth. I lied about the girl. I made her up. Tom has no girlfriend." He said and Tom was right. I felt ridicule. "I lied because I didn’t want you to be together. "
"So you wanted me all to yourself then. " I said back. Serious. "Did you have to drag me to the middle of a lake to tell me this Matt?"
"I don’t know. I didn’t plan this...I just wanted not to have any secrets between us. You’re about to meet my dad properly and... I don’t want any of the Tom bullshit to get on the way. " he said.
"I think we should put our relationship in stand-by...you’re hurt because of your mother and sincerely I think you need the time to wrap around the idea of death..." I said.
"Are you breaking up with me on this day? Are you serious!? " he asked. He looked a bit offended. I grabbed his hands.
"No. That’s not what I meant! I mean... you’re hurt because of your mother and...it’s no time to speak about us! " after a long silence I added "I think we need to head back."
Matt rowed back to the pier and we went inside his parent’s home. Inside there were a lot of people paying their respects. Often the custom funeral thing was to go to the funeral and then to the house of the decease where the wake was happening.
I got to meet Pierre, their father. He was a very kind old man who had divorced his wife five years ago and had remarried to a much younger woman. He was sad about his ex’s death but part inside me told me that he was glad she was dead.
I mean. When Matt and I arrived to the funeral home, the ceremony had already finished and we had missed all the important bits. I also hadn’t had the opportunity to see the dead body before it was cremated.
When Matt wasn’t looking, I walked around the house and I looked for family pictures to see if... on one of the walls I recognised Peter. A young Peter. He might have been 14 years old and a young Tom was next to him.
This was something I didn’t know about. I mean I knew Peter quite well but we had never talked about Tom really. A lot of things were having sense now.
I took a picture with my cellphone and send it to Peter, he replied with a : oh! I remember that swimming competition!
When talking to Pierre, he revealed more about his sons and talked to me about his third son but I didn’t learn his name.
It was Tom, Matt and some other dude I had never heard before and that wasn’t in the funeral either.
At night I had a very long conversation with Tom until I fell asleep and I dreamt about him.
It was then when I realised that I was not in love with Matt but with him.
I was in love with Tom. I loved Tom. I had loved him all along, and it only took me a funeral to realise that he was what I wanted.
It was always him. His kisses, his touch. His presence. He was like a drug that I wanted to try and he was the one haunting the inner me.
I moved from bed and I took my stuff with me. I left a note for Matt's dad thanking him for his hospitality and I also left a note for Matt telling him that I had to leave.
I returned to my room for a second to make sure I had everything and.. Matt was inside.
"Were you going anywhere? " he asked. I nodded.
"I’m going home."I said. Matt started crying.
"But I need you..." he said. I dropped my bag and hugged him.
"I know...but... I don’t belong here. You know it. It was not my place to be here."
"Is it over then? "Matt asked. "Two months for nothing?" He looked like he was angry now.
"You know...you’re the best person I’ve ever dated. But... I really don’t need a boyfriend. I need...nothing. I know myself and... I haven’t had enough time alone. It’s not you. It’s not Tom. I...I need to figure some things out before dating anybody."
"Can I wait for you then?" Asked Matt.
"Why not?" I said with a tiny smile. "Goodbye, lover." And I gave him a kiss on his lips, and left.
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