Maybe I should start by saying that I am an idiot, and I deserve whatever happens to me. I was not even blonde, but I was finding myself being more insufferable than Serena Van Der Woodsen in GossipGirl. Thinking about it, I grew up watching that show, and it seems like at 22 I was making the same mistakes of the damn teenagers in that show. I had accepted Tom back, and I cannot believe that I say it, but we had sex on the plane. In my fucking mind, I would have imagined that.
We arrived in Sweden, and we were just at the hotel where the wedding was happening. I met Niko’s soon to be wife, and the woman was just...gorgeous. She kissed me on the lips by accident, and I just wanted her to continue...Jesus. Mesmerising woman.
“Oh I am so sorry!” she said, she had a funny accent.
“No problem...nice to meet you,” I say. She grabs my ass.
“No, nice to meet you...Niko told me a lot about you. Would you like to go swimming
later? The lake we go nearby isn’t frozen yet.” she winks at me. Was she hitting on me? Tom smiles at her.
“Even though it sounds great...” I say she smiles broadly.
“Just joking!” she says. She waves her hand and then joins a group of people. “What was that?” Tom asks.
“I thought you were open-minded Tom,” I say back, pinching his butt.
When we went to our bedroom. I realised I had lost my phone. I mean I wasn’t really an iPhone person, but I couldn’t believe I had forgotten it at the aeroplane. I thought of the places it could be, and I remembered the aeroplane quickie. Most likely there.
I called my mother from my laptop and had a short conversation with her.
Tom arrived in the bedroom an hour later, and he had found my phone. We then went to dine together.
“You know Ann’s I have a present for you…” Tom tells me. I gave him a little smile.
“What’s that?”
Tom passed a square box around the size of an A4 book. I took the box. I open it without hesitation.
It’s a photo of us.
A photograph Peter took of us. It was cute. Not "very" Tom. What did he want? I was suspicious.
“A gift…” I say
“I thought you’d like.. it was for your birthday.” That was it? No secret whatsoever? I smile.
“It’s nice... thank you.” I grab his hand. “I’m glad you’re here... you know I almost...”
All of a sudden, I feel a hand on my back. I jump on my seat.
“Pardon Annie. I didn’t mean to startle you. Quand I saw you I had to come to say hi.” It took me a second to realise who it was, but all the memories from my teenage years flooded back to me.
“Anthony... what are you doing here!” I say excitedly, I stood up from my seat and hugged him. Anthony gave me a sweet smile. I almost had forgotten that one time 8 years ago I had dated a Frenchman. He was wearing a suit, and he looked pretty good.
“Well... I’m here on business. I’m meeting some politician...you know” he then stares at my neck. “I can’t believe you kept it...” I hold my hearted necklace as a response. He approached his hand and moved my fingers away. He opens it: a picture of a younger him inside. He had given me that locket in our time in New York.
“It went well with my dress,” I said blushing.
Tom stands up too.
“Hello. Tom Houben, it’s a pleasure. I’m Annie’s boyfriend.” He sounded a little bit jealous. Was Tom jealous really? Anthony smiles.
“You’re on holiday with your ami?” He asks me.
“We were invited to a wedding. It’s tomorrow. It’s crazy to see you after all these years. How are your little girls?” I say. Tony smiles.
“You remembered my daughters, I’m impressed... I’m glad to see you. You’re as beautiful as ever.” Tom rolls his eyes.
“Did you have an affair with a married guy? How boring...” he says, I give him a death stare. Anthony laughs.
“I think he might be jealous of me.. how childish!” I smile at him.
“Do you want to have a drink?” I ask Anthony says no with his head.
“I have other arrangements. Good to see you. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“We will be here for a few days...” I wink at him.
Tom and I walk in silence to the bedroom.
“Tell me about him then.” Says Tom. “Should I worry?”
“Anthony is no longer fuckable material...” I joke opening the door for our hotel room.
Tom kept quiet, and we didn’t discuss anything again. We just stayed in the bedroom exploring each other’s naked bodies.
Tom and I weren’t fine. The second our bodies met, they repelled. My downstairs wasn’t reacting to his nakedness, and I didn’t know what was wrong. No years of reading cosmopolitan magazines helped me. All my knowledge seemed to make it all worse.
I think we were blocking our real desires because we were feared so much of being betrayed. My parents had divorced when I was little and Toms family too. I could see our fears come into fruition because our bodies just didn’t match.
“I’m sorry. I think we should stop. I think it doesn’t feel right.” I say. Tom stops.
“You’re right…” We went to sleep.
The next morning I woke up very early and I opened up my computer to check on work’s stuff. My boss had texted me to review a document for him. I worked for a few hours and then ended up checking old pictures.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Anthony and our times in New York. Maybe that was it. I had met my first love again, and it just felt weird being with my new love. Anthony was 30, and his wife had given birth to twins the year before. I recognised Anthony very quickly. We looked great together. I was 14, and he was much older, but at 14 you only want to be older. I lied about my age when we met, and I am not sure if I ever told him my real age.
-Terry Town was about half an hour away from New York, and I met Anthony on the train. He was doing an exchange year at an American High School and was spending summer by himself. He was living with an American family, and I was there alone on holiday.
You might be thinking. A 14-year-old all by herself in the US. Why did her parents allow her to do such a thing?
I was staying with my aunt. That’s the answer.
Tom came back from having breakfast, and I closed my laptop. I then entered the bathroom and took a quick shower. At midday, we were at the wedding, but Ebba didn’t show up. The wedding was cancelled, and Tom and I felt terrible for Niko.
Tom and I decided to find her. We separated our paths, and we went to look for her. Ebba was a stranger. We had shared a kiss, but I actually didn’t know anything about her.
The family members were very ashamed, and everybody was whispering and saying their theories. I stood by Niko, and we didn’t share a word. I felt strange butterflies when he stood by me. I don’t know if I just felt nauseous because maybe she knew about us or…I just liked him in that tux and with his hair slicked back. Handsome Swedish. Fuck.
We didn’t find Ebba, so I decided to return to my bedroom. I opened the door and there she was…having sex with Tom. I just looked at both and left the room with no words. I didn’t know what I felt but it wasn’t nice. Whatever respect I had left for Tom was gone.
I was a hypocrite because I had done the same with Nikolaus so I guess this was Ebba’s revenge. I go back to the bedroom.
“Tom,” I say. “We are over.” I turn around and I leave the bedroom. I started crying but I wiped the tears quickly. No way someone was going to see me crying for him.
I thought we were starting over. Me and him. Nobody else. No more cheating. No more problems.
I was wrong.
The hotel’s restaurant was empty when I entered. I sat down and had a meal. Afterwards, I ordered some red wine. I was planning what I was going to do next. I was going back to England…or I could just go somewhere else in the world. Somewhere Tom doesn’t exist.
“Annie Picadersi, didn’t expect to find you here…” says Anthony. I start laughing.
“Well. Nice to see you, Anthony. The wedding didn’t happen. The bride ran away” I say. “With my boyfriend.”
“Well, that’s unexpected. I don’t know how anybody could leave you,” he says.
“Wow, are you hitting on me…married man!?” I laugh. “What happened between us? I don’t remember why we actually broke up…”
“I thought this conversation was about you and him. Not about us,” says Anthony. He sits in front of me. “You started university and you were too good for me then. I remember when and how we broke up. You didn’t like my moustache…and that was it.” I laugh.
“I was such a silly girl back then. I couldn’t recognise what I had. I am sorry…” I say. At that moment Nikolaus enters the restaurant. He sees me with Anthony and approaches us.
“Annie. She reappeared. We are getting married in an hour…” he says. I smile. Should I tell him? I just keep quiet.
“Tom is looking for you,” says Niko.
“Well. Tom can suck a dick for all its worth!” I say, downing my drink. I stand up and I leave the restaurant with him.
In the hallway, I look at Ebba. She looked fucking gorgeous. Pristine blond hair and handsome body, deep blue eyes and a perfect damned jaw.
“Annie,” she says with a smile. “I hope you enjoy my wedding.” I just wanted to slap her.
“Well. I will. I just hope Nikolaus leaves you in the future.” I say.
“He won’t. He cares about our baby!” she says putting her hand in her belly.
“If it makes you feel any happier, I am leaving now. Thanks for making me realise Tom was a twat.”
“Don’t tell me that something like that scared you…boo…hoo.” she laughs and continues walking away.
I didn’t stay for the wedding. I was more intelligent than that. I knew when it was time to retaliate. In the plane, I dreamt of Tom. His coconut smell and his touch. His dreamy green eyes, and his shiny black hair. I soon realised it was not a dream but a nightmare and that maybe I was better off without him.
You know. It is always easy to say it is over. It is easy to end things. You just look at somebody at their eyes and say “we are over now.” But there is always that little part of yourself telling you that maybe…maybe things were going to be different this time.
The words weren’t for me. I was heartbroken, and I had decided to leave the man that I loved. I mean, I was a fucking adult, and I didn’t want to be playing around. A partner is always a potential husband.
Was it a husband what I was looking for?
Maybe I should be Anthony’s real bride. Maybe, I could convince him to leave his wife and run away with me. I loved that man at some point in my life, and maybe…just maybe I could re-start the flame.
I felt extremely lonely. Not lonely in the good sense. It was the kind of lonely you learn from old people once their lives are gone.
A luminous London street covered with Christmas lights. Christmas was starting early this year. It had been two months since I had come back from Sweden and I had re-started my usual life: work, drink and have dates with strangers. My life was pulled away from my regular friends and now I hung out with people from work.
Ethan, a fat wonderful man was always by my side. His smile broadens as I approached him. He passed me a mug of coffee and I sat next to him. We were aware of the cold winter and tiny bits of hail fell from the sky non-stop. The hail was big, almost as big as a golf ball. People outside our office window ran, they tried to find shelter not to potentially die from a strenuous hit.
My mind was clear. I was free of terrible thoughts. I had not talked to anybody about what really happened in Sweden. I guess I was ashamed of myself.
No "Tom" meant that I was free. Drama free, hate-free, love free. He had tried to see me more than once after all the drama, but it was done. We were done, and there was no going back.
I wrote in my computer some work-related content and Ethan stood by my desk.
“You seem rather jolly. Your date went alright yesterday?” He asked curiously, playing with one of my pens.
“It was alright,” I say, sipping the coffee. I looked at my boss for a second and winked at him. Richard winked back and went inside his office.
“Do you fancy going out with me instead next time?” he said, I pulled the mug down.
“I thought you were pretty much gay…” I smiled at him.
“Bi.” He corrected me. “So…?”
At that moment something surprised me: Nikolaus was in my office. I stood quickly from my chair and walked slowly towards his huge body. His muscles seemed bigger now compared to two months ago.
Nikolaus, dressed like a commoner. Usually, the actor had a sharp taste in shirts and pants, but that day in specific he wore a worn-out rain-jacket with jeans stained with some sort of paint. His hair: shaved, and his face, it looked unnaturally attractive, as if he had had an injection of something. Or as if he was wearing BB cream.
“Hey…what are you doing here?” I said, approaching him. He grabbed my hand slowly, and we walked from the office area.
“I’m shooting a film nearby. I thought you’d want to see me.” He said. I say no with my head.
“You actually interrupted a moment,” I said. The office space we were standing now was empty and no- soul would find out if he murdered me right there. Dark thoughts. Great.
“That guy? He is not your type,” he said with a laugh. “You like men that look more like me…”
“Why are you here?” Yes. Perfect question. Right?
“Tom and Ebba,” He said. I had no idea what he meant. He grabbed my wrist strongly. “They fucked!?”
I pull my wrist away.
“That is why you broke up with Tom. I know that now. I was so naive Annie. I am sorry what she did to you.”
Ebba had actually saved my life from a bad future. I had nothing to do with the Houben’s and I was better off not knowing what had happened after that. The window behind Niko seemed very tempting. Maybe I could just jump? Fly away…
I wish I was a bird sometimes.
Nikolaus and I had a long conversation and he vanished after some faint arguing. The sexual tension and passion we had felt for each other during summer were gone, and now we were friends. Niko told me how his marriage failed from the get-go and the house he bought: an enormous LA beach-house was wasted as his wife slept with her yoga instructor in their first week. His wife was pretty much pregnant but every man still wanted her. I mean, I could understand them. She was the ultimate woman they would want to fuck. Men are pathetic sometimes.
My apartment was a mess. The living room and the guest’s room were covered with trash from a party that was hosted by my house-mate. Yes. I had a housemate now. My housemate kept me from my own demons.
The nasty dirt underneath my bed was difficult to get rid off. It was the kind of dirt that required extra help. All the cleaning products stood underneath the kitchen’s sink. They were arranged by strength and use. The chosen one was taken by me and the full-on cleaning started.
The strong smell of cleaning products had me dizzy. They had two major smells: orange and lime. Together they were dizzying and probably toxic.
At that moment, I opened the window and for the first time, I realised my window gave directly to another window. The person living in that apartment liked plants, and inside: a tasteful library with classic books and science encyclopaedias. The person living inside that apartment was probably into science and probably liked nature too.
I didn’t think much of it and I continued cleaning.
It was about midnight when the doorbell rung. The weather outside was awful and I continuously heard online that it was going to snow that winter. Snow in London. Was it the end of the world?
Outside: Andreina, she was soaked and looked like she was freezing.
She made herself at home once I opened the door. I passed her a towel and she dried up slowly. Nowadays we didn’t speak but I was the place where she would go when she was drunk. As far as I could tell she wasn’t drunk.
Her hair: black and slick as a Geisha's. It shined underneath the living rooms light. Her body was wet and her tiny party dress shined too. It had specks of expensive rhinestones. Not tacky, fancy as fuck.
“Do you want tea?” I asked her. She smiled broadly and said no with her head.
“I was expecting to see you out today...I saw you in the newspaper the other day. You’ve been on the social page.” She said. Who reads the newspaper nowadays? Apparently her.
“I decided to clean up. I spent all afternoon doing that.” I said. Andreina’s eyes widened for a second and she stood up.
“Maybe I decided to bring the party here.” She says, slowly making herself naked. Soon, the dress was gone. She was hairless and thin. I had seen her body a thousand times but never in that way. She approached me slowly and put my hand in her waist, she then got slowly on my body. Her body was cold still, cold as a freezer, maybe she had died and this was her spirit?
“What are you doing...” I said with a laugh, Andreina said nothing else and she kissed me. I understood maybe she felt lonely because Peter was gone on tour again but this was way too wrong. Also, if I were to do a woman, it wouldn’t be her. Not a close friend. My first experience with a woman that night? No. I pulled my face away.
“Eh... no. Sorry” I said. “You’re too high,” I said. I had no idea if she was or not but the real Andreina would never cheat on her boyfriend.
“You never said no before...” she said, pulling her hand inside my shirt and grabbing my breast. I pushed her away.
“Andreina! What the fuck...” I said. “Are you out of your mind!?”
“Tom told me that you slept with some woman and...” Andreina blushed. “he lied!?”
“Me...? “ “ you know me!” I started laughing.
“Sorry...” she says blushing.
“I’ll bring you some clothes. Do you want to use my bathroom?” I asked. I went to my room and saw the silhouette of a man in the other apartment. The curtains had been pulled down.
Honestly, I felt curious. I had no idea I had a potential neighbour and it felt fun.
The night continued and the weather outside was getting worse. The sound of the wind continuously hit my windows and they felt as if they were going to break.
Andreina sobered up as we spoke about nothing and also everything. She did not remember what she had taken but she was done with it. Drugs had never been my thing but nothing was keeping them away from me. Maybe it was my attraction to cigarettes all of the sudden. A nasty, dirty obsession. There was nothing hot about smoking but it had been key for me and my heartbreak.
The rest of the night we spoke about our hearts and memories together, and she stayed over.
“I am not good for relationships and I guess Tom is either. What can I say? I am feeling shitty. I try not to think about it so I wouldn’t break…and I have tried with all my soul to get rid of the feelings I have for him you know. All the kisses…the kisses from other men are not the same, they hurt. I don’t know why he would do that to me you know…” I told my friend. Finally breaking down. She was the first person who knew about my heartbreak.
“Well, I don’t know what to say. You slept with Barry, you slept with Matt and you slept with Niko. You should just…take him back. I mean he did payback for what he did.” says her. Andreina’s face looked determined. Scary, as if she were right. I hit her arm.
“How did you know about Barry?” I say. I never mentioned his name that night but she knew.
“Well, before the tour Barry told us you were ghosting him. We said you were ghosting us too but he was very affected about it. Peter kind of manage to pull the information out him. You know how Peter can be.”Adriana said. She then grabbed my face. “Don’t worry. No one else knows. Nothing to be ashamed. I know you had a crush on him.”
“That was at fifteen. Not now. It just kinda happened. I am not seeing him again!” I laughed.
I wake up half-naked in the morning feeling very lazy, my mirror showcased my tiredness, it was finally Saturday, and the weather was nice. Soon, my cigarettes called me. I selected one and I opened my window. I sat by it and lighted it. The cold wind turned it off a few times.
Just as I managed to turn it on, the person next window was moving around. They opened the curtain and I almost fell, he scared the shit out of me.
A dirty blond with a plump body. His face: delicate, friendly. Handsome? Yes. He seemed to be a similar age as me, maybe slightly older, but no more. I stay there, waiting for him to say something. My pulse was increasing with excitement. I know, maybe I shouldn’t be excited by it but I was.
My neighbour starts watering his plants without noticing me. In my distraction, the cigarette fell out of my mouth.
“Oh, shit…!”I said as I saw the cigarette falling. The man sneaked a glance at me and gave me a tiny smile. I smile at him back. “Hi. I guess we are neighbours…” I said, then I remembered I was half-naked but there was no time to go and hide now. Damn it.
The man blushed, he then took a refined posture and replies to me “Hello.” he said it almost quietly, he was shy, I could tell.
“I am Annie. Annie Picadersi. You seem to be shy if I am not wrong.”
“I am M…Ma…Mark Grant,” he said, trying to disguise his interest. “Me? Yes. You read me perfectly” he said.
“I do want to let you know something Mark,” I said seductively, Mark nodded silently, he stops watering his plants. “I don’t smoke. I mean, I try to do it but I believe it is disgusting. I think I am leaving it.”
“What a random thing to say…” he said slowly. He then smiled. “I am glad you’re leaving it.” Did he notice I was flirting? I was not sure.
“You have been living in your apartment for long?” I ask. Mark nods.
“About two years now, my mother…she found it for me,” he said. He was young like me, I knew it. He probably had that similar gift from a parent. That made us what? Lucky as fuck? Similar? I liked him.
Mark and I talked for a few minutes and I decide to go back and continue my day. Mark was my opposite but that made him very attractive to me. He was a person who people would find boring. No partying. A foodie. A reader. While I was partying. I couldn’t care less about food or books. I was more of a live-action individual. Also, Mark was obsessed with tea and he was like that British stereotype that you only find in books.
A week goes by and I never see him again. I went on a date with my co-worker but we realised we matched more like friends. That weekend I see some of my usual girl-friends and we caught up. Also, I wasn’t lying to Mark. I stopped smoking, and I also stopped drinking. Sober me had her life sorted out.
Maybe that was it. Alcohol had brought all my problems and now that it was gone I was free.
On Monday I didn’t go to work because I had a doctor’s appointment with my neurologist. I was mostly a healthy individual but my stress had brought on a weird trembling in my left hand. It wasn’t Parkinson. I simply had no idea what it was and I had been seeing a neurologist with the last name Tolkien.
They called my name in the hospital and I entered. I closed the door and I saw Mark. Mark is a fucking doctor!
Mark smiled but looked extremely nervous. He slowly walked towards me.
“The world is small, don’t you think!” I said. Also nervous. I thought there was a strange electricity between the two of us. We were attracted to each other. There was no denying that.
“Please, Annie. Sit down.” He said with a cough. He was almost trembling. I sat in the chair. He looked as scared as if he was a young girl in a horror film. Just where she is expecting the worse to happen. It is that scene of the young girl walking in the darkness calling “Who is there…who is there…” looking to be…jumped on. “Doctor Tolkien…sorry…he is gone to volunteer in doctors without frontiers. You should have received a letter from the NHS.” He said.
“I haven’t received any letters.” Mark shrugs his shoulders and gets close to me.
“Well. I checked your exams and you might be glad to know you are healthy. There was nothing out of the ordinary with your exams…” he said. Maybe if they had just sent a letter I wouldn’t have the need to come here. “We believe your involuntary shaking is due to anxiety and…we’re referring you to the right place,” Mark said, still standing by me. I wondered why he didn’t seat.
“Thank you…doctor,” I said, a bit flirty. Mark blushed.
“So how have you felt lately miss?” I thought the consultation was over but…I guess he was keeping me with him for longer. I smiled.
“I guess I am fine now I have you as my doctor…” I said looking straight to his eyes. Before anything could happen he walked to the side nervously.
“So you’re okay?” He tried to grab a notepad from the desk but in his nervousness failed, and it fell to the ground. “Oh my, pardon me…clumsy me…” said Mark.
“My hand hasn’t done its thing for about two weeks now,” I said. Mark made the note and finally sat in front of me. I then looked at him again. “Aren’t you a bit young to be a doctor?” I bit my lip and Mark went red as a tomato.
“Me…yes…well I was the youngest to graduate in my class. I am 26.” We hear a knock on the door. The nurse asking if the consultation was going to be any longer. “Well, Annie. It was a pleasure. I guess I will see you around?” I nodded, stood and Mark passed me his hand. I shook it.
“See you. Mark.” and I left.
Outside was windy and busy, there were cues of cars and people with their bicycles moving around. It was the busiest I had seen London for a while and I liked the craziness of the city. I passed through Covent Garden and took the underground back to work.
After work, it was raining and I took a Uber back home. There was nothing to eat at home so I decided to go to the restaurant in front of my building.
The restaurant had a Friday’s feel to it. North American and slightly tacky with all the pictures of the U.S presidents and their mistresses. The food was not bad. As I continued having my meal alone, and Lui was next to me suddenly.
“Annie!” I jumped on my seat.
“Lui…what a surprise!” I said. They were supposed to be back from a tour in a week. Not now!
“I supposed that you’d be here. You never check your phone, do you?” He said. I smile at him.
“I don’t even know where I left it, mate. Nice to see you, I missed you.” Luigi orders wine and seats with me. I was enjoying my meal alone, thank you.
“You look stunning Annie. Did you do anything to your hair? What’s new?” he asks, I smiled broadly.
“No Tom. I guess. My natural beauty.” I wink and he squeezes my arm.
“Good for you, girl.” he stops for a second. “Well, I saw him. He looks terrible, I am not sure what is wrong with him but he looks as if he was doing meth or something. He hasn’t tried on calling you has he?”
“No. Well. I kind of blocked his number…” Luigi laughs.
“What happened in Sweden Annie? I don’t understand!?”
“Mate, what if we have our meal without really talking about my personal life? Tom is shit. Am better off without him and…I kinda decided who is going to be my next victim.
Luigi and I smiled at each other and we continued our night without mentioning my ex or our romantic lives.
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