[A/N: I'm getting ready for school soon so I probably won't update again until around 2 weeks from now, possibly even later. I'll have to see how my schedule works out by then. I hope this won't inconvenience you in any way. :/]766Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDoWWBeCljS
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Trigger warnings: suicidal thoughts throughout, drug overdose/suicide attempt, medication abortion766Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CQPxCU017
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“‘Painkillers’ my ass,” Christy muttered, her irritated yet trembling voice trapped in the confines of her bathroom.
She was staring down at the opened vial full of misoprostol tablets. With their white color and smallness in size, they would’ve appeared to be ordinary painkillers to someone that hadn’t known abortion pills as well as Christy did.
Back when she was pregnant with CO Dipshit Donovan’s baby, she went on the Internet and became an expert on every abortion pill in existence. But it was pointless to know about them because she couldn’t afford any of them. Luckily for her now, she knew how misoprostol--one of the most accessible in the country--looked like and caught her lying, baby-killing soon-to-be-ex.
She bit hard on her inner cheek as she recalled every single one of Carter’s disgusting words before he gave the vial to her.
“I know you’re having cramps, so I got these Japanese painkillers that should help.”
She wanted to throw herself off a cliff for believing him. He was probably the best liar she’d ever come across, especially when he feigned happiness after she broke the news about the baby. Letting the tears fall from her eyes, she whispered, “Fuck him.”
But she did exactly that, didn’t she? She used him the same way he used her, yet she held onto him despite how hollow his head was, despite how fucking weird and demeaning his views on girls were. Back then, she was only grateful that another person felt wronged by Paige and made her feel as miserable as Christy felt. But meeting Carter was just another poisonous thing that stayed in the back of Christy’s head forever, and not to mention she got a baby he was forcing her to abort. She hadn’t even decided whether she wanted to keep it yet, but with Carter’s pills in her hand, she made her decision: abort the child of a murderous douchebag.
But after that was all over, she couldn’t just pretend nothing happened. In her bitter experience with people, there existed karma, the rule of cause and effect, for people that deserved it. The beautiful thing about karma was that both sides had to be treated equally.
During the eighteen years of enduring people’s blows with them walking away unscathed, Christy felt she deserved enough good to balance out the bad. She’d done enough waiting, so she tried to become karma by doing some things herself. But the whole time, she failed to see that she had been a target of karma instead.
Of course, it chose for its execution to happen in the least ideal circumstances. She had a major role in a school musical, her family was starting to move on from Dad’s death, she gave Paige Connelly many pieces of her own medicine, and she even had some fun hook-ups with a guy that could relate to her about Paige. But then karma said, “Time’s up, the fun is over,” and Christy couldn’t blame it.
Ever since Dad first kicked her nine-year-old self in the gut after he joined the Marines, she never felt like she deserved to live. But at the same time, she didn’t want to actually stop living. Having a father that hated her so much to injure her, she believed she could earn his love until he’d stop.
She tried everything: star in a few plays, boss around Mark the way Dad always did, even date the most respectful boys to not make Dad mad about her dating life. Along with little things like chores and big things like contributing to family decisions, everything she did worked. Dad actually made her the favorite child. And yet, every now and then, he would give her a burning slap across the face or a piercing kick in the gut when he was feeling angry enough. But at least she did everything she could to lessen the blows.
In the end, though, it wasn’t like any of that mattered when she was the cause of his death. Not only did she let a pedophile get under her skin and get her arrested because of all that drama, she also fell for her fellow inmates’ lies, and to cover up the drug-dealing mess she got herself into, she let a CO rape her to keep his mouth shut about it. And when Dad, drunk and disoriented, went out to find the motherfucker, she knew Dad’s fate was sealed when some other cop murdered him on the basis of his skin color.
Ever since she moved back to Paige’s school, it was easier to blame Dad’s death on Paige, who could’ve simply told the truth in court, set Christy free, and let Dad live. But deep down inside, Christy was to blame in the first place.
Maybe if she hadn’t sought out Paige in eighth grade, Christy’s arrest and everything that followed wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if Christy just learned to let go of what Brandon did to her, Dad would still be alive and she’d still have the chance to earn his love. Maybe if Christy just fought back at Brandon on his first visit to her bedroom and told Mom right after, she wouldn’t have gotten fucked up so much.
But all the “maybe if”’s in the world didn’t change the fact that she did nothing she was supposed to do. And now there she was, with a second fetus she didn’t want and the worst asshole imaginable forcing her to abort without even considering what she wanted.
Her whole life, all she wanted was for other people to get hurt the same way she got hurt from them. But it turned out that she could never get what she wanted. No matter what she did or didn’t do, she had to keep enduring the blows. She had no choice.
It was day-to-day suffering. She was made to be the target of the most awful wrongdoings, even when she was just a little girl. Today she still felt like a helpless little girl with people dragging her into their problems. She had no choice.
If she hadn’t been born, there would’ve been one less mouth to feed, and Dad wouldn’t have joined the Marines for that extra money. Then he wouldn’t have gotten the mental illnesses he had, along with beating her and Mom and Mark.
If she lived any longer, she’d get pulled into more trouble, and that was the last thing her coping mother and brother needed. They’d be better off without her. She did enough already.
If Christy disappeared, Paige would live in the peace she deserved, considering the slut-shaming and bullying she faced. Selah would live in peace too, who had every right to tell a teacher about the stupid shit Christy did. Even Carter would live in peace. He never cared about her anyway.
Christy felt that her worth was nothing compared to everyone else’s. They all lived normal, happy lives, whereas she was forced to suffer in every footstep she took down the tedious and pointless path that was life. She couldn’t even do a single thing about it. God had stripped her choices from her.
He even went so far as to leave a small life in her belly, which was just as worthless as she was, if not more. Simply put, no one wanted the baby. And if the baby was born, it would experience exactly how awful life would be, especially to its eighteen-year-old mother. It would even hate the fact that its father was Carter, and maybe the child would be just like Carter.
In the end, Christy was destined to get the abortion pills to end the life growing in her belly.
Her vision blurred, yet she could see the vial of misoprostol tablets shaking in her hands. She set it on the bathroom counter and took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she wiped away her tears with her sleeve.
Then she realized she’d been waiting for this very moment.
Her eyes snapped open and stared at the pills once again. It felt like the perfect time with the perfect tools right in front of her, on the bathroom counter. It felt like she was finally given the choice to end her own pain and suffering, as well as prevent an innocent soul from starting the arduous process of life.
Without another thought crossing her mind, she spilled four tablets into her hand and poured them into her mouth. She turned on the faucet to cup some water and drink it with the pills, with most of the water dripping onto her shirt. Giving up on the water, she swallowed the last pill lying on her tongue.
She didn’t want the desperately dying girl in the mirror to change her mind, so she walked toward the white shower curtains and leaned back against the wall.
For a while she felt as though she hadn’t even taken the pills. Another moment passed, until the largest cramps she’d ever gotten in her entire life struck her abdomen. Bracing the wall, she let out a pained wail, but regretted making that sound when Mom most likely heard next door. Christy slapped a hand over her mouth at the same time even more cramps demanded her full attention. She closed her eyes.
When the cramps finally lessened--but probably not for long--she looked down and saw giant red spots on her yellow shorts. In the corner of her eye she noticed the toilet. She decided it was better to release the dying fetus into the toilet, so she pulled down her shorts and underwear and sat down. Soon the entire bathroom was rotating and she wanted it to stop.
She heard several footsteps outside of the bathroom. “Mija!” Mom screamed through the door. “Are you okay?” she yelled in Spanish.
The pain Christy felt in various places paralyzed her from saying anything. And even if she were able to speak, she had no idea what her last words to her mother would be.
Christy laid the side of her head against the edge of the bathroom counter though it did nothing to stop the dizziness. It felt like she was on a Gravitron ride at a carnival, except that the spinning ride would break down and its roof and walls would collapse on her. Christy didn’t want the image in her mind anymore when the headache grew bigger.
She heard discharge fall into the toilet as her mother banged on the door.
“I will break down this door!” Mom shouted, followed by only the sound of the dead fetus’s remains plunging into the water. More and more cramps forced a strained groan from Christy’s dry mouth. The groan echoing around the bathroom was loud enough to be a scream right next to Christy’s ears.
When the groaning stopped, she gasped at a loud thud from the door, the cramps never stopping. She hoped she’d be gone before Mom got in. More thuds followed as Christy waited for the exit of the fetus and the end of her own life. After one last thud, Christy heard a kick against the door with the sounds of wood breaking and landing on the floor. Sobbing filled Christy’s ears as her mother crouched down in front of her and cupped her face. There were tears in the warm brown eyes Christy had loved her whole life. “I will call nine-one-one, yes?” Mom whispered in Spanish.
Instead of the cramps ripping her stomach in half, it was the sight of her mother so sad and so scared that made tears fall from Christy’s eyes. Suddenly, she didn’t want to die anymore, not when her mother was right there seeing her shameful, fucked-up daughter in the physical state she was made to be in.
The headache and cramps got worse as Christy squeezed her eyes shut and cried out in pain.
“It’s okay baby, I’m calling for help right now,” Mom sobbed, pulling her phone out of her pocket.
As Christy watched Mom dial the three digits, the intense lightheadedness pulled Christy into a type of sleepiness that promised complete nothingness.
She gave in.
The first sound that pulled Christy out of her bottomless sleep was a man near her left ear yelling, “Make way!”
Without opening her eyes yet, she could sense that she was lying on a bed--probably a stretcher--being moved down a long distance. She smelled cleaning fluid and a mix of humanly odors that would only be found in a hospital. Fewer cramps tore at her abdomen this time, yet the headache forced her to squeeze her closed eyes even tighter. A strange sound came from her throat.
“Christy,” Mom whispered, and the simple fact that it was her mother made Christy open her eyes just a little bit. The passing hospital lights shone around Mom’s blurred silhouette as a few panting people appeared in the edges of Christy’s vision. She realized her headache was worse than when she’d been in the bathroom. Closing her eyes, she groaned again, this sound more recognizable to her.
Moments later, the frantic people around Christy moved her into a room with a few nurses picking her up from the stretcher and laying her on a hospital bed. They told Mom that she had to be outside to answer a few questions. Christy was about to wave at her, but a nurse blocked the way for a moment, and when she finally moved away, Mom was gone.
They clipped on Christy’s index finger with something that measured her heart rate and did all sorts of medical tasks on her body similar to the steps of a physical, one difference being that they checked her bikini area. She realized she was still bleeding, but a lot less now.
Everyone spoke in medical jargon to each other, so Christy stopped paying attention and instead stared up at the ceiling.
These people around her were trying to save her life, but if she had just taken more pills in a time and place where she was completely alone, she didn’t have to waste these people’s efforts. She’d be at the morgue where she was better off.
With only two nurses at her bedside now, she heard the door open. She looked up to see the doctor and Mom approaching the bed.
“Good afternoon, Christy,” the doctor said. “I’m Dr. Lidano.” She held up the pill bottle. “Your mother told me you overdosed on these, but the labels aren’t in English. Can you tell me what they are?”
Christy panicked. If she told them that she’d known they were abortion pills, they’d see that she overdosed on them on purpose. But she could pretend she thought they were painkillers that her boyfriend had given her. She almost smirked at the legal ramifications of telling on him.
He deserved every single consequence that would exist, and more.
So she said, “My boyfriend told me they were Japanese painkillers. I took one, but it didn’t work, so I took some more.”
With a baffled expression, the doctor stared at her. “Painkillers? With your side effects and...and the death of your baby, I believe this is misoprostol, which is commonly used for abortions.”
Mom sucked in a breath and covered her mouth with her hands. Christy’s indifference made her face stay emotionless. Then an enormous cramp struck her abdomen, forcing her to groan and brace her stomach. The nurses around her pulled her hand away and gave her soothing yet empty words.
“Do you remember how many you took?” Dr. Lidano asked with a wrinkle between her brows.
“Four,” Christy answered.
“Do you remember when you took them?”
“Um, today.” Christy half-smiled at herself, but the half-smile disappeared when no one in the room laughed. “I can’t remember the exact time. I think it was a few minutes before my mom heard me. I was in a ton of pain.” She winced, deciding that she would have to use a more silent measure of killing herself next time.
Mom said, “It was around four o’clock.”
“I see,” the doctor said as she surveyed the data the nurses had collected. “Alright, so we’ll have you take activated charcoal to get rid of what’s left of the pills in your stomach.”
As if taunting Christy, another cramp hit her middle and forced her to groan in frustration.
“I’m sorry, Christy, stay with me,” Dr. Lidano said. “How bad is the pain from one to ten, one being mild and ten being extreme?”
With the muscles in her arms tense as she clenched the blanket, Christy said through her teeth, “Five million.”
“Do you smoke?”
“Sometimes, but it’s just weed,” Christy said quickly. “I smoke it maybe, like, once a month.”
The doctor nodded. “Do you have a family history of heart disease?”
Christy tried to remember as Mom said, “Not that we know of.”
“You want to give her ibuprofen?” a nurse asked the doctor.
She nodded. “Looks like it’s safe for her to use, just for a few days or so.” Then she turned to Christy. “For the abdominal pain you can take ibuprofen after the charcoal’s effects wear off. You’ll still bleed and get cramps for a few days or so. Also, some antibiotics should help prevent any infections. Other than that, as far as everything looks right now, you’ll have a successful recovery.” Dr. Lidano gave her a smile that was too bright for Christy’s liking. In Christy’s mind, though the doctor was just doing her job, she would soon be disappointed for wasting so much effort.
After Mom left the room with Dr. Lidano, Christy let her mind wander as the nurses moved around her and gave her the appropriate medications she could care less about. In the meantime, she had to put on her poker face and think of nothing but when she’d try leaving the world again.
She didn’t, however, want to leave without a trace. Leaving a goodbye letter to Mom and Mark sounded like the best goodbye she could give. After what happened today, Christy knew they’d care for a little bit, so a letter to them wouldn’t hurt, and eventually they would move on, just like she wanted them to.
She knew everyone else would move on more easily after she was gone.
“Is everything okay?” a masculine voice said next to her.
Realizing her poker face disappeared, she turned to see a nurse’s worried expression. She wanted to laud him for acting like he cared. And for that very reason, she smiled. “Yeah, I’m okay. I just wanna go home.” So that I can start writing the letter.
He seemed to believe her as he grinned. “Don’t worry, you’ll get to go home later today. I promise.” The kindness in his voice tugged at her heart a little, but then she gave herself a mental slap across the face. It was a nurse’s job to talk like the way he did. She wondered for a second whether he’d considered becoming an actor instead of a nurse.
Save for drinking a few cups of water and using the bathroom, she lay in bed for what felt like at least half an hour. Yearning for an end that was so close yet so far, she decided in the current circumstances that falling asleep was the closest she could get to the numb feeling of her end. She closed her eyes and focused on just her breathing.
Right when she’d lose herself to sleep, a hand touched her shoulder. She opened her eyes to find a female nurse probably in her thirties looking down at her.
“Your mom and your brother are waiting outside. Would you like them to come see you?”
Christy nodded, and the nurse left the room. A moment later, she returned with Mom and Mark in tow. They both had bloodshot eyes and miserable expressions, both of which reminding Christy of when Dad died. But Mark rushing to her bedside and embracing her chased the depressing thought of Dad away.
“Holy shit,” he whispered in her hair. Several seconds later, he sniffled and pulled back with new tears in his eyes.
Christy smiled. “Aw, of course you’re gonna cry for me.” Despite all of the arguments they’d had up to this point, her emotional younger brother still cared for her, probably way more than he should’ve.
“Shut up,” Mark said with a smile and held her hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Better.” That was all she wanted to say, but the squinting of his eyes told her he wasn’t buying it. “What?” she asked.
“You’re just…‘better’?”
She swallowed, knowing she couldn’t let her ruse fail, not until she wrote the letter at least. “I guess physically I feel better. But mentally, I just can’t believe that...that the baby had to go so fast.”
“Let me get this straight.” He took the chair behind him and sat in it. “So Carter gave you abortion pills but said they were painkillers?”
Her expression blank, she nodded. “I just took one pill but nothing worked, so I took more so that it worked faster. And now…” She gestured to herself.
“Yeah, but Carter gave you abortion pills without you knowing. That’s…”
“Oh my goodness,” the female nurse breathed, her reply shocking Christy who hadn’t noticed she was still there. “If this is true, then you should call the police. Him not wanting the baby is one thing, but him forcing you to abort without you knowing...I think that’s a crime.”
She had a point. It was definitely a violation of Christy’s reproductive rights as far as she was aware in terms of the laws, and Carter deserved to get caught. Now that she thought about it, she could’ve reported him to the police right after she figured out his lie. But then they would’ve taken the pills away from her, which meant there was no other way for her to peacefully kill the baby and herself.
Now that the baby was gone, she just had to end her life some other way. As for Carter--
“I’ll call the police,” the nurse offered.
Mark replied, “My girlfriend actually got one of Carter’s friends to call him, so he’s coming in a few minutes.” Christy glared when she heard “girlfriend.” And Paige is literally here? Christy thought.
“Oh, right,” the nurse said.
“This is outrageous,” Mom murmured. “I want to talk to the police too.”
On the topic of needing to recognize Carter--since Mom hadn’t even met the guy--Mark referred Mom to James, Carter’s friend, and described how he looked. Christy wondered why James got a broken nose.
The nurse nodded as she left the room with Mom.
Christy had no time to celebrate the justice being done about Carter, because she still couldn’t believe Paige, of all people, was here. She was the last person Christy wanted to be seen by, and the fact that Paige was in the waiting room right now was bad enough. “She’s here?” Christy asked.
“Uh, yeah.” Mark looked at her as if she were crazy. “She does care.”
“That’s because she’s supposed to care about her boyfriend’s family.” She rolled her eyes.
“Can we just not talk about this right now?” Mark pleaded.
Christy sighed, deciding to let it go.
“Also, Selah and Dave are here.”
She scoffed, her surprise having a touch of warmth. “Why? I barely even know them.”
“James just drove Selah here ‘cause she’s a volunteer. And I was already at Paige’s house, then James and Dave came over.”
Christy made a face. Dave was one of Carter’s blindest followers, and just earlier he’d been at Paige’s place?
Mark saw Christy’s weird look and nodded. “I know, them being at Paige’s house sounds weird and random.” He shook his head. “It’s a really long story.”
“Tell me.”
“Well, it was mostly ‘cause of Carter. The thing is, yesterday Gary came out to Dave.” Christy gaped as Mark continued, “And then Carter found out today, so he took Dave and James to Walmart where Jerry works. And Carter was being a nasty asshole to Jerry, like insulting him about his disability, and it was all just to show Dave some bullshit about how gayness has something to do with mental disabilities.”
“Ha, wow.” Christy stared up at the ceiling. “I guess he’s been a fucking asshole to everyone today. And now everyone’s in the hospital.” Of course, mainly because of Christy’s stupidity. She wouldn’t have gotten there in the first place if she hadn’t overdosed at the wrong time and place.
“But you clearly had it worse,” Mark pointed out.
She gave him a grim smile. You have no idea how much worse...
“And just so you know, they’re all worried about you,” Mark said. “Do you wanna see them?”
Christy winced as she remembered all the various ways she’d treated them and used them for her own benefit, especially Paige. None of them deserved any of it. She couldn’t stand the idea of looking at them again. She shook her head and responded, “I think I just wanna be alone, you know? Just for now.”
As Mark nodded in understanding, the female nurse and Mom entered the room.
“I just called the police,” the nurse announced. Christy checked her nametag for the first time to see that her name was Ella. “They’re on their way.” Ella turned to Mark. “And your friends said they’ll be on the lookout for Carter.”
“Thank you so much for helping us,” Mom said.
“It’s no problem,” Ella replied with a smile, but then she turned to Christy and appeared glum. “I’m terribly sorry you had to lose your baby without even knowing. I can’t even imagine…”
“Yeah. I know.” Christy feigned sadness.
Mom sat on the edge of the bed and held one of Christy’s hands that Mark wasn’t holding. “Honey, did you want the baby?” Mom asked.
“I...I was still deciding.” Deep down inside, she was leaning on keeping it.
But its father, with his truly sickening malice, was what changed her mind.
“I’m so sorry, sis,” Mark said, running a thumb across the back of her olive-skinned hand. “I feel so stupid for not even noticing that you were pregnant.”
Christy lifted one corner of her lips. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine for avoiding you ever since the fight in the kitchen.” After she’d confirmed the pregnancy with two tests in a school bathroom, she’d kept the news to just herself and Carter.
“Why didn’t you tell me or Mom?”
She couldn’t help but form new tears. “I didn’t want to disappoint you guys again.”
Still crying, Mom left many wet kisses on Christy’s hand and said, “You’re very strong.”
Christy made a shaky sigh. She wanted to disagree with that a thousand times, as she felt that she couldn’t trudge through her life anymore, not when she had to keep receiving the same exact blows. The second pregnancy had been a long time coming. If she lived any longer, she’d get even more problems that wasted her family’s money and lives.
She burdened everyone.
Ella wandered to the window that overlooked the parking lot. Then she leaned forward with her eyes widening. “The police just came. And I think that’s Carter.”
The rest of the people in the room rushed to the window next to Ella. Christy spotted one police car in the parking lot and a silver sedan parked behind the police car. Carter was walking toward the entrance with a befuddled expression. Christy pressed her forehead against the glass of the window, but she couldn’t see anything past the area in front of the entrance.
A few seconds later, one cop pinned Carter’s hands against his lower back and walked him toward the cop car.
“Fuck yeah!” Christy exclaimed, high-fiving Mark.
She returned her eyes to the cop car, then noticed Paige, Selah, James, and Dave exiting the entrance. Christy looked back up at the cop with Carter. Behind the cop car, Carter’s aunt, who was currently also Carter’s foster mom, had opened the driver’s door of her car and stepped out. She seemed to argue with the cop pinning Carter against the hood of the police car. Christy glanced back down at Paige and the rest of the group standing near the entrance. For some reason, Selah had disappeared.
“I think they’re gonna come up here to ask you some questions,” Ella said, almost scaring Christy.
“Oh, okay.” It only meant lying to more people about her supposed ignorance of the pills.
“So…” Mark said as he turned to Christy. “Are you gonna dump him?”
Christy cracked up a lot harder than she’d expected after everything that happened today. “Oh hell yeah I’m gonna dump him.” Smiling, she glanced back at Carter. “And he’s definitely gonna regret fucking with me.”
ns 15.158.61.23da2
