I slowly opened my eyes to see everything was white. A white counter, a white cabinet, a white bed, a white curtain, and even walls. When I was already sure I was at a hospital, I gazed at the person beside me. It was Paul, his eyes closed, and was breathing in a consistent rhythm.
I looked out the window, and then I could see a clear blue sky. I felt the warmness of the sunshine. It's not just warmness. It's like being touched by the heated sand and embraced by the warm sunlight.
"You're finally awake," Paul said, rubbing his eyes. "How are you?" he asked.
"What happened? Why am I here?" I asked in return. "Where's Mr. Gray?" that last question seems to take away some of his enthusiasm.
"Hey, hey, hey. Relax Flavus. Calm down." he said. "We found you unconscious at the old house. But you were shouting and saying gibberish, and you're burning hot that's why we've decided to bring you here to the hospital. "
"Where's Mr. Gray?" I asked again.
"We find him in the same situation as yours. I believe he was in the other room," as he said that, I immediately wanted to stand up and go to him, but when I did, the room started spinning, making me go back to my bed.
"C'mon. Take it easy, Flavus. He's fine. I just visited him before I came to you," he said. Making me calm down and return to my bed.
"What happened? What do you mean I was shouting at gibberish?" I asked.
"I don't know...' he said, curling up his shoulders. "You were saying about the bridge and August and all other stuff I can't understand," he paused and looked at me with an air of confusion. "But you know the doctors said that there's actually nothing wrong with both of you and Mr. Gray."
"What do you mean?"
"They said that you're just dreaming and the thing that you do is just normal," Paul then leaned near me and whispered, "Did you have the visions again?"
I just nodded.
"So what is it this time?" he asked curiously.
"I... I don't know," I said after a deep sigh. "It seems like I've lived another life. The life of the owner of the visions and the memories I've seen," I told him. He was looking awed, trying to make sense of what I'd just said.
"Like what?" he said.
"The dream I've been telling you, the one where I'm just sinking in the cold water. I now knew what happened before that, I finally knew why I ended up drowning in the river... Why I ended up dying." My last words were just like a whisper, but Paul heard enough that he took a sharp look at me.
"You mean you die? In your dream?"
"I don't think it's just a dream or a vision. I believe it is what really happened." I said. But then Paul became very quiet. I waited for him to finally speak up.
"Do you see Mr. Gray there?" he said after a moment of silence. I'm unsure if I would tell him that Mr. Gray is there, and that was partially why I fell into the river.
"Do you see him in your vision?" he asked again.
I gave him a weary look. "Yes, he was there." I finally said. I was trying to hide the worry that I suddenly felt. "What if it actually happened?" I asked.
Paul just looked at me and then let out a contented sigh. "Maybe it did happen... Or maybe not,"
"What do you mean by that? You don't believe me do you?" I'm starting to get annoyed because of the way he was trying to push things, but then again, I can see that his mind is moving in a different way.
"I do. But.. It's just, I can't think of an explanation about what's happening to you," then he suddenly became silent, not in an annoying way but in a way where he was struggling to find the right words. "And I don't think I'm the one you should be talking to right now," he paused and looked at me. "Common," he said. Then he guided me towards the other room where Mr. Gray was.
I could see him sitting on the side of the bed facing the window. He turned his body and his eyes locked with mine.
"Hey," he said in a soft and gentle voice. I suddenly felt hot tears that I thought had already been sucked out by the time I was drowning in the river. Mr. Gray has never looked at me with such expression.
But now, it's different. This look he's looking at me just makes me feel so fuzzy inside that I want to hug him as soon as possible without worrying about what others will think about me.
"Hey," I said as I wiped my tears. I felt Paul's gentle touch on my shoulder. He seemed surprised when he looked at me and saw that I was crying.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he keeps tapping my shoulder. "Yeah," I said, followed by a suppressed sob. I don't know why I felt like this. It was like all of the bottled emotion I kept before had been pouring now.
"You don't look like you're okay," Mr. Gray said as he got up and approached me. "Don't worry. I'm here now," he said as he wiped my tears and gave me a hug. "I'm fine," I said as I hugged him back. "You know I won't do that to you Flavus," he whispered in my ears. I'm not sure if he was talking about our vision or not, but I stayed quiet. I don't want to say a word. He held me for at least two minutes before finally letting go.
"I'm gonna leave you two so you can finally talk," Paul said. I just nodded to him as he left.
Then, Mr. Gray guided me to sit in the bed. He sat next to me and just gave me a tap on the shoulder. "How are you?" he asked.
"I'm fine," I said as I felt his palm resting on my back. He just nodded to me, it was still awkward and strange, but I'd rather be here with him that somewhere else.
"I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you," he said in a very strong but soft tone. "And I'm sorry I couldn't do anything about what happened." I was beginning to feel annoyed and guilty about his apologies, but then again, I never knew why he was sorry. I just nodded. I felt confused, I did want an apology, but I'm not sure why I want to hear it now. But I kept quiet. The room was quiet and almost too soft.
#
"So you're not afraid to go near the edge now?" A voice from behind me says. I didn't look back because I already knew who it was. Besides me, he was the only one who would go here before the sun sets.
"Yeah, I guess so," I replied. "Isn't it a little late for you to be here? The sun is halfway down now."
"It is," he said. "But during the past few days, I realized that I can also enjoy the view here after the sunset." He then moved to sit beside me.
"How are you?" I asked. "You just left me yesterday. When I came back to my room you were not there anymore."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. There was an emergency that I have to attend to," he replied, but I'm not buying his excuse. "And I think I should be the one who's asking how are you?"
"Huh? Why?" I looked at him, confused. He looked back, and I noticed that there was something different about his eyes. It was a little dull even though the reflection of the deep orange horizon was reflected by it.
"You know after what had happened on the trip and then what had happened to you and to Mr. Gray," he then looked away again.
"Well it became more complicated than it already is, now that we both had those visions," I said.
"What did he tell you this time?"
"He's also as confused as I am." He sighed and continued looking at the darkened sky. "If that was you what would you do?" I asked him.
"Well, I also don't know. I guess I would try to make sense of everything before making any actions," He said while picking up a loose pebble from the ground and tossing it into the air. The pebble hit the ground and was now breaking into smaller pieces. I turned to look at him for a moment, then gave him a quizzical look.
"What if you can't? What if you're stuck with fragments of information and visions you don't know if they're true or just made up by your mind?" I asked, not knowing what answer I would really want to hear. From the corner of my eyes, I saw him look at me, so I also turned to look at him.
"Then I'll ask the person I know would understand me," he paused. "I would ask you. Because I know you're going to understand me now." He looked at me, and all of the dullness I saw in his eyes was suddenly vanishing. "Things shouldn't be this complicated, you know?" he added. I just nodded and hoped that it was as easy as we could say it.
There was silence after that. We could only hear the occasional sounds of crickets from the field, and the street starting to get busy.
"Sometimes I think the universe is wrong with us," I said as the cold wind started to blow.
"I think the universe is sure cruel, but it is never wrong." He said. His voice suddenly became strong and sounded clear, but at that moment, I realized how lonely he was. "I think what happens to everyone is the universe's way of saying that sometimes things are beyond our control."
"But isn't it unfair?" I asked again.
"Yeah, everything is unfair. But at least it is unfair to everyone," he said, faking a smile.
"How can you say that?"
"Because when we thought things are becoming better, this universe will just find a way for it to be as unfair as it can be," he explained.
"Why do you think that way?"
"Can I ask you a question?" he said, ignoring my question. "Since you're sober now." He added.
"I... I... Yeah, maybe... Sure," I replied.
"Why didn't you directly reject me that night?" I wasn't expecting this question from him. It made me frown. "I know you have a heart and I know you wouldn't want to hurt me. You're the one who set standards for yourself. And I know you know how I feel about you. And for some weird reasons, your actions on that night made me think that you're willing to bend your standards for me." He looked at me like he was reading into my eyes. "But you didn't."
"I... I..." I let out a sigh. "It's because I knew that you were drunk and besides..." I paused for a second.
"What?" he asked.
I looked into his eyes and then let out my breath. "Because of that night. I wasn't thinking straight, and I am afraid that I can't ever take back what I would say." I said. "I'm sorry I've made it complicated for you."
"No. Don't say sorry. It's just making me feel worse," he frustratingly said but still faked a laugh. "I was being stupid," he admitted. "But at least I learned something from it." He looked at the sky and sighed as his gaze turned to me.
"It's Mr. Gray, isn't it?" my eyes widened at what he said. I don't know what I should say. I just looked at him, then he nodded and looked back to the skyline. "What was your plan then?" he asked after about a minute of silence.
I sighed. Contemplating if I would tell him about what I felt. "I believe some stories can last over a lifetime." He looked at me and said, "I hope that you're right and that these stories are worth all the pain that you went through," he then ended his words with another deep sigh.
"Even if I'm wrong, I still wanted to continue this story," I said as I looked at him. He did not have any reaction to what I had just said. It seems like he was expecting it. He was just looking afar.
#
"When was the last time that you went here?" I asked Mr. Gray as I saw him. "I was here a couple of times, but I think you're avoiding me during those nights. That's why you're not coming here anymore." He wasn't turning around. He just answers in his usual tone as a wisp of smoke lingers around him.
"I don't know, I think it was about more than a month," he said. "And I don't think you wanted to actually see me during those times that's why I didn't bother to be here or anywhere near you."
"You know that's not true," I said as I walked towards him near the edge. He noticed it and took a couple of steps back. "Don't worry, I'm fine now. I haven't got that fear anymore. Since... since that day."
"You're right. I also haven't had those visions anymore."
"Me too," Mr. Gray sighed, making me look at him. "Do you think our visions were true, and it actually happened?" I've wanted to ask this question to him since I saw him at the hospital, but I was overwhelmed by emotions at that time, so I think it's the perfect time to find out what he thinks.
"If we were to tell someone about the visions we've experienced, do you think they would believe us?" he asked.
"No one in their right mind would believe such things if they didn't experience it the way we do," I said.
"Exactly." he pointed out.
"But would it matter to you? If they believe or not?" I asked before he turned to face me.
"No..." he said, then hit his cigarette.
"Yeah, but if you'd ask me, I would want to believe that it's true and it actually happens. That somehow across another timeline, we were once happy," I said.
"I guess we'll never know what's what," he said blowing the smoke and finally looking back at me.
As the smoke from his cigarette lingered, I could feel my throat drying making me swallow my saliva. He then took a step closer to me, and I just looked at his dark eyes that resembled an endless well.
"Do you want to smoke?" He asked softly. My heart started beating so fast at the sound of his voice, which was almost a whisper.
"I... I... Yeah, sure," I said, not looking away from his eyes. He gets a cigarette from his pocket and puts it in my mouth.
"I don't have a lighter, so now you have to match the fire to me," he said as he put his half-burnt cigarette into his lips and held my face steady.
As I attempted to move my hand, our faces almost touched. I could feel his warm breath against my face, and I breathed slowly, deeper and deeper, and then I tasted the bitter-sweet aroma of the smoke I longed for. He closed his eyes, and I tried to pull away, but he stopped me. "Slow down..." He said as I watched the end of my cigarette completely burn. Suddenly I feel the dizziness of the excitement I felt. I slowly pull away and exhaled. And slowly looked at him, and he just stared at my reaction.
Then I leaned closer to him. So close. And I feel lighter than I have ever felt. And before I know it, our lips are touching. A weak shiver quickly shakes my whole body. He pulls me closer and makes it a kiss. One of the sweetest kisses I've ever had. At the first touch of his cold lips against mine, I felt like I was melting. I just let myself feel the sensation of warmth and comfort as our lips became more and more familiar with one another. I felt my heart thumping against my chest as I let go of the cigarette I was holding between my fingers. Our arms wrapped around one another and pulled us closer as we embraced our mouths and continued to explore one another. I was lost in a haze, a new feeling that I had never felt before. I noticed my heart ached just as much as it yearned for him.
I was lost in the moment, in mind and heart, as I felt him grab my hand. His movements felt so clumsy. A cold wind came up as he gripped my hand, and we kept our lips touching as our bodies pressed against one another.
"Why did you stop?" I asked him as our lips parted. "W-we..." he was babbling his words, and I stopped when I saw his confused face. "You're my student... I shouldn't have done that," he said. "What?" I just stared at him. I hadn't expected this thought at all. It felt so awkward. I don't know what to say, and I'm anxious to discover his intentions, so I just look away.
After about a minute of awkward silence, I spoke up. "Do you feel wrong? Or you're just feeling guilty?" I asked him.
"I honestly don't know. I don't know how to express these feelings in words. But you drive me insane. Not just because of the vision or what had happened. And it's more than that but I don't know what to call it."
I sat on one of the benches and tried to ease the heavy mood. After a few moments of silence, I turned around to face him again.
"Did you really mean it?" I asked him.
"What?" he replied.
"Kissing me, why did you do it?"
"I... I don't know. I just wanted to hold you and feel you," he said, followed by a deep sigh. "I don't want to lose you again, Flavus." He looked at me, and we stared at each other for a few seconds. "So it's better not to have you at all."
I just looked down and didn't say a thing. It was harder than I thought. I can't say anything because I know what he meant, and I understand, but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting.
"Can we at least try?" I asked as tears rolled down my cheeks, but I wiped them in a snap. "Maybe this time it'll work out."
Gray didn't say anything. He just sat beside me and nestled himself with his body like a little cat. I placed my head on his lap, watching his hands idly play with my hair. His breath became increasingly restless, and eventually, the atmosphere between us became easier and easier. The cold breeze, accompanied by a faint sound of the air, blew in, making our bodies shiver. He still doesn't look at me, eyes plastered in the sky.
"I-I'm sorry, Flavus."
I felt his right hand sliding to mine, and I stiffened, my heart pounding against my chest. He looked at me again, and I felt something ignite in his eyes like a flame he forced to be brought back to life. A feeling of warmth had taken over me as he pulled me closer and hugged me from behind. "Thanks," I said, placing my head on his shoulder. "We'll try, Flavus. We'll try," the moment I heard him say that I felt something spark inside of me. There was a light in the darkness, and the heaviness in my heart had lifted up at last.
We just stayed like that, in silence. He was sitting on the bench, and my hand was on his lap. I just lay there, enjoying his scent mixed with the smoke of the cigarette. I closed my eyes and felt his gentle touch on my shoulder, which relaxed all my tension. I felt my own breathing come back to mine, and the familiar pulse had begun again. I steadily felt myself wearily drifting away as I fell asleep.192Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZcPUJYNmX
