"If you died, I would certainly be remembering you. I would remember this moment," I said as I looked back at him, trying to wipe my tears again. My voice was low, but I knew he could hear me just fine.
"I don't know what to say," he chuckled and turned around again. "You can completely wipe your tears now," he continued still with a hint of teasing in his voice.
Mr. Gray laid his head on my bed as he stretched his feet, massaged his temple with his finger, and closed his eyes. I just looked at him, trying to figure out exactly why I had this persistent feeling of swelling inside me, just like yesterday.
"Thank you, sir," I finally utter. He stopped massaging his temple, but his eyes remained closed. There was silence. It made me think if what I said was wrong.
I shifted to my side, resting my head on my hand, and looked at Mr. Gray with my eyes fixed, waiting for him to answer.
"It's fine, Flavus. It's almost midnight. You need to rest already," he plainly said. I can't explain why I felt disappointed in his response, but that's what I felt.
His eyes still closed, and his hand continued massaging his temple, and then he exhaled.
"Sleep Flavus," he spoke again.
"Sir?" I asked, but I only heard him chuckle.
Mr. Gray continued, "You only still have 6 or 7 hours left before your class. You need to rest."
I crumbled back to my bed, face down, and started to doze off right away, even though I think Mr. Gray might have said something else after those words, but I'm not really sure.
The following day, I woke up much better than yesterday but also found Mr. Gray had left. I admit I'm kinda expecting to see him, but I guess he left when I fell asleep. I got off my bed and decided to go downstairs. I thought I'd cook some breakfast, which should at least pass the time before I went to the university, but when I went to the kitchen, I found fried rice and egg with ketchup. It's hard to miss that the eggs were burnt, but the rice does look fine.
I slightly panicked when Mr. Gray spoke.
"It was burnt, but It's safe... I think," he giggled.
"You don't have to do this, Mr. Gray. I mean, what you did last night was enough, sir."
"No, it's fine, Flavus, but I think I gotta go now. I need to be in the office. See you later."
"Sir?"
"Yes?" he replied as he was almost out the door. But I changed my mind.
"Hmm, nothing. Nevermind sir. See you later," he didn't reply. He just smiled and walked away.
I just stood there for a moment, thinking about why I didn't say anything. Then I went to the table just to stare at my breakfast because I wasn't starving.
Late in the morning, I went to my class. I stared at the board, not minding what the professor was saying. Then I remembered Mr. Gray's words from yesterday. The words made me feel so happy, and so confused, and I wondered why I never bothered asking him why he tried to help me yesterday.
The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't help but wonder and mull over it. My mind was so occupied that I didn't notice the bell ringing until I looked at the clock. It was my only class for today. I admit that I secretly hoped to still be in detention just to see Mr. Gray.
I went to the hall when most of my classmates were gone, and the hall seemed to be a lot emptier than before. I wondered if Mr. Gray was around and maybe I should look for him, but I didn't want to. I still have that feeling welling up inside me, making me excited and confused.
I aimlessly wandered into the empty hall and casually observed the surroundings until I came near Mr. Gray's Office. I stopped and saw the door. I glanced at the glass panel only to find the room empty.
"Are you looking for Mr. Gray?" said a voice behind me.
"Ah... Uhm... No... I mean, yes," I replied. I looked up and saw a brown-haired woman, probably in his 30s, maybe one of the staff.
"He has a class ongoing at this moment, but he should be done in fifteen minutes. Are you sent to see him?" She asked, probably thinking that I was in detention or whatever. I stared at her for a while, deciding if I should go with the flow and tell her I was sent to see Mr. Gray or just leave. In the end, I choose the latter.
"No. It's nothing," I replied, feeling embarrassed. "Thanks."
I went across the field to look for Paul because I wanted to visit our garden. "Flavus?" Paul called out. I turned around to see him walking fast in my direction and leaving some of his teammates waiting for him. He was in his basketball uniform, making me guess that he might be going to practice.
"What are you up to? Where have you been yesterday?" he asked after he reached me.
"Nothing. It's just that I was not feeling that well yesterday. Probably because..." I stopped. Should I tell him I was sick because Mr. Gray and I had danced in the rain last night? "Yeah, I'm not feeling well. That's it," I continued.
"Oh, okay," he replied with a hint of disappointment. He then looked at the sky and asked, "Are you going to visit the garden?"
"Yeah, are you coming?" I asked even though I knew he couldn't because of his practice.
"Is Mr. Gray there?" he asked, almost breathless.
"Uhm... I don't know." I replied, confused as to why he asked that out of nowhere.
"No, I can't come because I have practice," he said. His face slightly smiling.
"Then I'll see you later."
"I have to go now, or I'll be in trouble," Paul said, glancing at his teammates and then winking at me. As he took off, I gave him a wide grin and a pat on his shoulder.
And here I am going to the garden on the rooftop alone.
#
"Flavus?" Someone was standing behind me as I walked toward the garden. I turn around to see Mr. Gray.
"Uhm, what are you doing here? The staff said you have a class." I said, almost stuttering.
"That's already finished. But I just came over here to get some fresh air," Mr. Gray said as he sighed. I nodded and then looked at him.
"So you came to see me?" He asked with a hint of confusion.
"No. I happen to pass by your office, and I want to thank you for..." I hesitate if I would open the topic or not. "Thank you for what you did yesterday."
"Oh. Well, you shouldn't thank me, but if it brings you peace, then you're welcome," he said awkwardly.
I just smiled and walked to the garden, where there were inches of plants sprouting from the soil. I bend down on my knees and start to water the plants with a watering can I just found on the table next to me.
"Paul said you both still go here even when your detention is done?" Mr. Gray asked.
"Yeah, I don't have anything to do after class, so when I started to come here and asked him to help me and he agreed," I replied. I admit it was nice to be with Paul here, but being here now with Mr. Gray brings that swelling inside my heart again. I didn't notice that I was overwatering the plants because I was looking at him.
"I, uh.." I paused, feeling kind of nervous. He looked at me, giving me that... that look again. That familiar look makes me feel so strange inside. He was looking at me in his usual expression of a gentleman, calm and inquisitive. He didn't say anything for a moment. I just stared in return.
"Go ahead, Flavus. I can see something is on your mind," he finally said, interrupting my thought.
"I... I wanted to tell you that..." It was hard to speak up, so I just snapped out of it and closed my eyes. I then opened it and gave one cold glance at Mr. Gray. His eyes still feel strange maybe he's trying to read me.
"You don't have to say it if you're not comfortable with it," he said casually, taking a step closer to the rectangular plot and randomly plucking out unwanted weeds trying to grow.
None of us speak. I looked at the ground nervously, but his eyes were on the garden. For some reason, I feel like he wants to know something about my life or already knows something. I just want to know if there's something important he wants to ask me. I wanted him to ask me directly but now felt a bit scared. If he says something not pleasant, I may end up feeling like I'm trapped. I bit my lower lip to stop it from trembling and decided to just try it.
"How are you feeling, by the way?" he asked, at last breaking the silence. Making me let out a small sigh, not enough for him to notice.
I shrugged and answered, "I'm feeling much better now, sir."
"That's good to hear,"
I took a deep breath before saying, "Mr. Gray, that night...when... I danced with you... in the rain," I said, confused at what I was saying. "I saw you." I looked at him and saw that he was already looking at me. He looked at me for a moment, then said, "I was there, of course, you'd see me."
"No, not that," I said a little so loud that he stopped plucking weeds off the soil and looked at me intently, confused. "When I passed out, I saw you. Like I was dreaming, but it felt so real. Your touch... it... I..."
"Flavus?" he asked, almost whispering. I sighed and avoided his eyes. I lowered my head as I slowly kneeled on the soft soil, pretending to tidy the sprouts. "What were you dreaming?" he asked me while slowly bending down to my level.
"I don't know, sir. I don't know," I replied, trying to firm my voice. But instead, my voice seems to falter for some reason. I feel him looking at me with the same calm gaze, trying to find out the true meaning of what I just said. I snapped out of it again and said, "No, just forget it, sir. I guess it's just nothing." But he doesn't let it go in the end, and instead, he asks, "No. I know it was not just nothing. Last time you said you were dreaming about someone you don't know, but now you're telling me I was in your dream? What were you dreaming about?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't know," I repeat the exact words, this time feeling frustrated and annoyed. I close my eyes, wanting to end the conversation, but he suddenly grabs my shoulders and makes me look at him.
"Hey, are you alright?" he asks with a soft voice. I just close my eyes and start trembling. His touch suddenly sends shivers through every inch of my body, and I didn't know I'd been holding back these feelings, but I'm so disturbed when I see his eyes flicker with some fear. His eyes meet mine, and we stare at each other for a second or two. I felt my knees tremor, and he had been watching me as one could look at a scary animal. I want to run because my heart starts to beat hastily, but I can't. His hand on my shoulder start to shake a little making me look at him.
"Flavus..." he whispers my name, and my sight goes blurry emotion suddenly overwhelms me. There's this warm feeling inside me that makes me want to lean on him and cry. I could feel a little tear that rolled down my right cheek, but I just let it go and wiped it with my right hand. He just kept looking at me, making me blush. I looked at the ground, avoiding his gaze again. I then heard his voice which seemed to convince me.
"Tell me what you've been dreaming about. Whatever it is, whatever it is that you're thinking about, just tell me what's on your mind," he gently said.
Looking at the ground, I sighed and saw that my palm was covered in mud. I quickly straightened up, thinking of Mr. Gray. He still has his eyes looking at me. There are no words to answer him. I wanted to tell him that I saw him saving me from jumping on a bridge because I was unsure how to tell him that. But deep inside, I did want him to know. I want him to know that that is what I'd been dreaming about.
"I... I don't think I can," I answered, still looking down at the ground.
All I heard from him was a sigh and a voice whispering, "I understand. I thought as much." His face, which I had been looking at, seemed to have changed the expression to somehow sad and upset. He was looking at me just like he was trying not to look at some harsh memories. Strangely, that gentle face makes me balmy.
"I just wanted you to know that you don't have to be afraid," he said. A little puzzled, I looked at him, still feeling a little confused at what he was saying. "You don't have to be afraid to talk to me. You can speak out about whatever you want to say. But when you are ready," then he smiled. And in return, I managed to smile back at him.
#
That afternoon, after I had that unexplainable breakdown in front of a professor I had only known for a few months and who also happened to be the man in my baffling dream, I entered my dorm. The first thing that greeted me was the cold breeze coming from an open window and the dried flowers Yaya had given me to bring to my brother's grave. The dried flowers had been scattered on the floor; I paused my steps and looked at them, the droplets of water from the dried leaves trickling on the floor from the broken vase. I kneeled down to gather them. The large flower had already disintegrated, but I carefully collected the smaller ones and put them in the bin, except for one of the small flowers that still had some green stems.
I sat down at the table, examining the flower in my hand. I faintly sighed and finally made up my mind that maybe it was time for me to visit my brother. The sun is still high, and I think I could still make it there before sunset. I gathered my things, prepared myself, and headed out of the dorm, but to my surprise, it was Mr. Gray, maybe two or three units away. I assume he didn't see me because he looked down at the floor.
I faked a cough loud enough for him to hear me so he could turn around with a surprised look on his face. He quickly straightened and smiled when he saw me.
"Hey, going somewhere?" he asked as he approached me.
"Yeah, I... I'm going to visit my... someone," I replied quietly.
"Oh, okay," he replied with a confused tone. I knew he didn't expect me to say that, so he slowly continued to walk past me. I stood there, still with the flower in my hand, watching him go. And before he stepped inside his door, I shouted his name. He stopped and turned around to face me again.
"Sir," I muttered. "Will you join me?" I asked, unsure if he would agree.
He looked at me strangely and said, "Tell me, where are you really going?"
"I'm going to visit my brother's grave," I replied, looking at the floor and avoiding his gaze. But he just continued to look at me, slightly confused as to why I suddenly wanted him to join me. But I felt I might need some company, and he was the first to come to my mind.
"Okay. Let me get my things," he said with a grin. Oh, I hope he'll be okay with it. I just hope he won't be bored out of his mind because he was asked to see the grave of someone he never knew. But I thanked him that even though it was a surprise, he accepted it.
After a few minutes, Mr. Gray joined me as we both walked to the parking lot.
"It's good that you wanted to finally visit him," he said plainly.
"Yeah," I replied shortly, looking at the dried flower in my hand.
"Is that from someone he knows?" he asked.
I nodded. "It's from our Yaya. She gave it to me and said I should bring it to my brother, but the others are withered," we just continued walking until we reached my car. I opened my car door, and he sat in the passenger seat. And even though I didn't see his face, I could hear a soft sigh from him, but I was too timid to ask him what was wrong.
After a good half an hour or so, I could see the other side of the road where huge bushy trees were fencing the perimeter of the cemetery, "We're here," I told him.
He glanced outside the car window, looking at the trees and not talking.
I got off the car and walked towards the paved road where the old sidewalk and a lamp post are. Mr. Gray walked up beside me and stood silently. I cleared my throat, held up the dried flower, and sighed deeply.
He looked at me with a confused and worried look on his face. I swallowed hard and continued walking, afraid that I might burst into tears in front of him.
We continued to walk in silence. And before I knew it, we were standing in front of my brother's mausoleum. I almost forgot how it looked. It was as big as a small house, but its white color was worn out, and it got cracks and moss in some parts. It had a gate and two steps I had to walk up to get to the entrance. That was also the only door leading to where my brother was buried.
There was a bench a few meters away from the entrance. I felt Mr. Gray walking towards the bench, making me look at him, but I never dared to stop him. In fact, it was a relief that he didn't have to see me cry. Because now, my vision was starting to get blurry as I went near my brother's marbled grave. I reached the side of the grave. It was smooth and warm, probably because of the sun directly shining into it, making the letters of his name glisten with gold paint. I knelt down and placed the dried flower on top of his tombstone. He would've wanted it that way, I supposed to myself. And I saw tears coming out of my eyes as I felt my heartbeat thumping in my ears.
"Hey, I'm sorry I came too late, I really am," as I softly said those words, more tears rushed into my eyes. I could no longer see anything and could no longer hold the tears back. I sobbed loudly. There's so much I wanted to say to my brother, even though I'm not sure if he would hear it. But all I can do now is cry while kneeling down.
I didn't hear anything from Mr. Gray, but I felt that he sat beside me. I could see a shallow silhouette of him as I looked up. He had sad eyes, frantically, slowly hushing me, and placed his hand on my shoulder as he held me. I didn't even feel it coming. My hand began to feel cold as I continued sobbing. Oh, I felt my whole body trembling as I wiped the tears from my eyes.
Suddenly I felt strong arms around me, pulling me into an embrace. I closed my eyes and sobbed into his chest. I felt his hands stroke my back and pull me closer, so we were almost sharing a hug.
"Shh..." I heard him say while patting the back of my head. But instead, I continued to cry more and more. I was holding onto his shirt, probably tearing it just a little bit without realizing but I felt like I was in his arms, feeling safe. A feeling I forgot what it was like. I had a rock in my heart as someone shut me off, and I was feeling numb, but I felt more comfortable like I was filled with warm water instead of blood. The feeling of safety filled me, and all the fear I felt a few moments ago was wiped from my innards. I'm at peace with myself, and there's no one apart from him. I feel protected, and I think that he knows me. He holds me as he lowers his body until I'm on my knees, facing the ground and just looking at my brother.
His arm left my back, and I felt something around my neck. He pulled down gently on my neck, and I heard Him gently say, "Let it all out.214Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhfjb5Jley
