It again became our unconscious amusement to come to this rooftop at midnight and talk about what happens in our day and what we think will happen tomorrow, and these discussions often last until before sunrise.
"It is so unbelievable, isn't it?" Flavus asked as he blew out the smoke from his cigarette. "The things that had happened these past few days. But I'm glad to be able to get through those things with you." He added.
"You're right." I nod in agreement as I give him a smile. "Life was never the same after that. But I'm happy to know that I have you by my side." I say. He looked at me with pure curiosity.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"This. Us. You and me. Meeting here almost every night," I pointed out.
"But we did it before, didn't we?"
"Yes, but that was different. That was before we made sense of our visions. Before that, our meetings are completely just because we were both bored and just happen to have the same desire to be here," I said. "But now that we somehow know the truth It's more of a choice rather than because we can't sleep." Flavus gazed at me warmly. And maybe, just for a moment, loneliness passes by in his eyes but disappears almost immediately.
"Why?" I asked.
"The graduation is in just a month," he said, avoiding my eyes. Maybe he was trying not to break up the mood between us.
"Then let's celebrate?" I said. "We can invite Paul and all your friends."
He didn't speak. He just handed me a paper.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I applied for a graduate program in Greece."
"That is great, isn't it?" I looked at him, but he didn't seem glad. "What's wrong?"
"If I accept it, I would have to leave right after graduation." I was confused. "But I don't want to leave you, Gray." His head was hanging low and I'm lost for words. I will miss him if he leaves. I'm sure I would. But I also wanted him to pursue his dreams.
"We still have a month, maybe we can use that for you to not miss me so much," I said, trying to sound playful. "Maybe we can both figure it out when the time comes."
"But...I...I... I don't want to leave you." He said with his head still down. I sat beside him and placed my hands over his. He looked at me with hopeful eyes.
"I don't either, Flavus. But I don't want you to give up your dreams." I said as I gave him a reassuring smile.
"But I'm not afraid that you'll leave me. I'm afraid that if I leave, I'll learn how to be alone again, and I'll find someone to make me feel that being alone is awful, and I am afraid that... that someone would not be you anymore," he sighed softly. "Oh Flavus," I said as I shook my head. "You'll never be alone," I said in his ear. It was almost a whisper. He just held me at my back, and we both showered with each other's warmth.
#
"Here's the program for the retreat Mr. Gray," Ms. Follon said as she handed the pieces of papers to me. "Ms. Amanda will be there with you, is that okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure no problem," she then left my office.
I looked at the retreat program. Just like last year, it's a two-day out-of-campus retreat camp exclusively for all of the graduating students. And I can't help but feel a little nostalgic and nervous at the same time. Of course, I hope that he is as glad as I am at this moment. I don't know why, but after that night, I felt something would happen whenever Flavus and I were in the same place. I wasn't sure what it was, but the feeling was that I won't be able to stop thinking about it. This is bizarre, I tell myself. I just want to focus on the work I'm doing today, so I can concentrate on it and push aside all these thoughts from my mind. But there is one thing that won't be pushed aside no matter how hard I try, and that is the thought of Flavus.
After some deep breaths and a contented sigh, I went out of my office and went straight to the buses where the fourth-year students were waiting. As I arrived, most of them greeted me. I smiled and scanned the crowd and found Flavus standing beside the bus. He smiled and waved when he saw me.
"Hey! Are you ready?" I asked while I walked toward him. He nodded with a smile.
"Yeah, good thing you're there. Because if you're not, I'm sure I'll be bored," he said smiling.
"Hey, we've talked about this, don't make comments like that when we're at the school," I nudged him. He just chortled and boarded the bus. There I saw the bus was almost full, we were just waiting for the other students to arrive. I saw Paul staring at Flavus and me as we entered. I awkwardly looked at him and smiled. He just nodded and shifted his look to Flavus.
"Hey, Uhm, I think I'll be sitting beside Paul. Is that okay?" he asked me.
"Yeah, sure no problem," I replied. Then I proceed to sit at the front.
After a while, the bus was stuffed with the remaining students. I checked the students' list, and the bus began moving. The retreat house where we're going to spend the next two days is literally inside a forest and was maintained by priests and nuns of the local church. I remembered how terrible the cellular signal was there, which I think is good so that the students will focus on the program instead of their phones.
The sun was almost out when we arrived at the retreat house. I can already hear a mix of excitement and frustration from the students. Excitement as they watch the pine trees line up towards the castle-like structure and the frustration of some because of the terrible signal.
I looked at the back to see Flavus sleeping soundly, but Paul was wide awake and was looking at me intently. We just stared at each other for almost a minute before he looked outside the window.
The bus stopped at the front of the retreat house, and the other batch of students were already there with Ms. Amada. Except for the new huts scattered on the premise, nothing much has changed since I went here last year.
"Okay, I expect everyone to behave properly in the house, especially once the retreat starts," Ms. Amanda said and then headed to the doors while the students followed her in silence. I just looked at Flavus, and Paul and the others got out of the bus and followed the group of students inside the house.
I looked at Flavus, and he was having serious conversations with Paul. We're the only ones outside, and it's getting dark, so I called their attention.
"Mr. Morris and Mr. De San Juan, please get inside. It's getting dark, and the program will start in no time," I said. Both of them looked at me, and Flavus walked in first. He tapped my shoulder when he walked past me. I don't know what that tap was all about, but when I looked at Paul, he was again intently looking at him before following Flavus. I was left outside the retreat house, confused as to why Paul was acting that way.
When I entered the retreat house, I was once again welcomed by the area's pine scent. As I looked up, I saw that just like how I remembered, it was still a gorgeous interior that welcomed the students with serenity and calmness.
"Mr. Gray, it's nice to see you again," Father Rabino, the retreat master, greeted me. "I thought you'll not be joining this year's retreat."
"That's impossible Father, how can I miss such an engaging and productive activity for our students," I replied.
"I know, Mr. Marcus explained to me the situation last year, so I thought that was the reason why," the retreat master said. "But it's best that we go to the hall now so that we can welcome the students already," he added as we walked into the hallway.
The feeling of uneasiness and confusion those two describe how I am with the moment. I just didn't understand why Paul was acting that way. It was almost like he was eyeing a prey that he wanted to catch, and I didn't know if there was something wrong with me or if he was just being rude to me. Father Rabino seemed to notice this.
"Something's bothering you, Mr. Gray," he said.
"Father?" I asked, trying to hide the uneasiness in my voice.
"Mr. Gray, I've been a priest for almost half of my life," he said. "And I've been with so many people. I talked to different kinds, and different behavior, and there are countless stories that I've heard from these people. I believe I know when people around me are not with themselves." He added gently.
The only reply I gave him was a deep sigh.
"It's okay if you can't put it into words now, just make sure that someday, you'll be ready to face it and conquer whatever it is that was bothering you. Just pray." Father Rabino said before we went inside the hall.
I was about to reply, but I saw the students were already inside, and there was this complete silence. I saw Flavus again sitting next to Paul, and that time I was able to notice that there was something sus about their look.
I sit next to Ms. Amanda right before father Rabino enters the front. He started conducting the prayer before he gave the opening words. I'm just trying to relax, so I can avoid thinking of whatever bothers me. When I thought I was far from it, I glanced at Flavus again, and that time, Flavus was trying to have a serious conversation with Paul. They looked at each other and then occasionally would glance at me.
"And so we welcome you to our humble place, and we are hoping that tomorrow when you leave and finally come back to the city, you'll all be connected to yourselves once again. But before that, tonight I'll let you unpack and relax in your rooms and be prepared for dinner before we continue tonight's session," father Rabino said. Then we led the students into their rooms.
The rooms were the same as last year, a room with a double bed, a small closet, a tiny bathroom with a bathtub, then a desk and a bookshelf. I did open the window and looked out at the trees illuminated by the moon. As I did this, the smell of pine trees lingered in the room, and since my room was near the yard, it became more delightful to breathe.
I was about to look away when I saw two figures talking in the garden. I'm not sure at first, but when I looked again, I noticed that it was Flavus and Paul, and based on the gestures, they seemed to be arguing.
I can't help but wonder what they are talking about and why they are arguing. And I seriously don't understand why Paul is acting that way. Thinking of this, I slid the window close and decided to wait for the retreat to end and talk to both of them.
"Mr. Gray, father Rabino was waiting for you at the dining hall," I was startled by Ms. Amanda's voice.
"You startled me there Ms. Amanda," I told her.
"Oh, I'm sorry. You left the door open and I let myself in," she said. "The dinner is being served now and father Rabino is looking for you," she added.
"Okay, let's go," I said then we walked out of my room.
Once we walked out, I saw the dining hall. In the middle seating, father Rabino was waiting for us. I shifted my gaze to the students and saw them enjoying the dinner as they should. I sat with father Rabino, Ms. Amanda, and other retreat house staff, where we talked about the previous retreat and the program for tomorrow.
In the middle of the conversation, my attention was caught by the students who had just entered the dining hall, Paul and Flavus. Some students looked at them for a while but eventually returned to their own conversations. I simply observe the two of them while they're getting their food. Flavus managed to nod and smile at me when our eyes met.
It was almost nine in the evening when the first part of the retreat started. Father Rabino went into the front of the hall and waited for the students to be silent. He kept standing in front with his hands on his back and waiting. When the students noticed it, gradually, the hall became quieter and quieter until there was no sound except for the crickets.
"It was the power of silence that also drives silence," he started talking. "And sometimes, the absence of sound is more powerful than the presence of sound," he added.
I looked at the students and saw that they intently listened as father Rabino continued talking.
"Silence is the only thing that is broken the moment you start talking. And sometimes lack of sound can lead us to a place beyond what we can ever imagine. To places, we never knew we needed. And it is at this place where we can open ourselves to understand and respect the world around us." Father Rabino said. "Now I want you all to close your eyes and listen to the sounds around you. Listen to them, no matter how bored you are, just make up your mind that you will not turn silence into sound. You will only listen. And then you think of a question, questions that you really wanted to ask."
In the middle of the silence, I catch Flavus staring at me. Immediately, I glanced at him and saw him staring back. I can't understand how he can be started at this point. He must have something to say. I'm feeling curious, and I want to hear it.
"Ask three questions to yourself." Father Rabino said. "First imagine you are talking to the ten-year-old you. Second, ask a question to the present you, and lastly, a question you wanted to ask yourself 10 years from now." Father Rabino then snapped his fingers which dispersed the sound in the room.
After that session, Father Rabino ended the first day of the retreat and bid the students to proceed to their rooms. I checked and ensured that all the students were in their respective chambers before I went to mine.
When I got there, I immediately opened the window again to let the air come inside, but it wasn't just the air that smelled like pine leaves but also the smell of my favorite brand of cigarette. I look around and found the origin of that smell. Not that far from my room, outside is Flavus, I can't see his face, but I'm sure it's him.
I rushed outside and found Flavus standing behind one of the trees. With his hand, the cigarette almost burnt up into the filter.
"What do you think you're doing?" I asked him as I approached.
"I'm sorry, I'm just... I needed some diversion," he replied, then flicked the cigarette away. I walked near him, and the smell of the smoke lingered around us once again. I was about to scold him about this behavior when he cut me. "Can we talk?" he asked.
"Yeah, alright," I replied as I took some deep breaths. "But I won't allow you to smoke in here," I added as I started to walk back to my room.
He stepped a step forward and held my sleeve. "Paul." He said.
My eyes widened as I heard him say it, but I kept walking.
"What what about him?" I asked casually.
"He knew."
"He knew about what Flavus?"
"Us. About us, Gray," he said. And this time, it makes me stop. I'm hoping we're the only ones around because it would be really weird to see a teacher and a student walking in the garden at this time.
"How? Did you tell him?" I asked again.
"I didn't tell him. He found out... And I don't want to lie to him," he told me.
I remain silent for a moment thinking of the right words to say.
"What did he say?"
"He said we should stop before the whole school knew," he said, then paused for a while. "I'm afraid Gray. I'm scared that it'll happen again." It's a bit dark, and I can't fully see his face, but I can't fail to notice the slight trembling of his voice. A few moments of silence ling between us, and I didn't respond. I know he waited for my answer, and when he didn't get a reply, he sighed.
"Hey," I said as I took his hand and looked at him. "I promise it won't happen again, okay?"
"Gray, I don't know," he said and hugged me tightly.
His hug felt so warm and comforting that I wanted it to last forever. But our moment was interrupted when I heard a whistle. It just pulled me away from our embrace. I looked around and saw that Ms. Amanda was slowly walking toward us.
"What are you two doing here? It's over curfew time and..." she seemed not to notice me at first, but when she was near enough to see me, she started saying. "Mr. Gray, is that you? I'm not wearing my contacts. I didn't notice you."
"Yes Ms. Amanda it's Gray, and I asked Fl... Mr. De San Juan to join me to check if the students are all in their room that's why we are here."
"I thought I see you two hugging."
"Ah, that. I'm just helping him with his eyes. An insect or some kind of dust irritates it, that's why," I explained briefly. Ms. Amanda seemed to buy it and didn't ask any more questions as we walked back inside. Ms. Amanda went to the left wing while Flavus and I went to the other.
#
The next day's session started early after breakfast. The students once again gathered in the great hall. Father Rabino was already inside, waiting for the students to get there.
"Again, we'll start with silence. Silence is the state where we can achieve objectivity. In order to build a good relationship with other people in this world, one has to be objective," Father Rabino said as he started to walk around the circle. "Now, everyone, close your eyes again. And I want you to think of one specific person, the one that you trust the most."
Even if I'm not supposed to do what father Rabino says, considering that the activity is just for students. I, too, had closed my eyes and instinctively thought of Flavus, "Okay, now think of the reason why you trusted this person. And now, why does this person trust you?" he asked as he walked around the students again. "Think of those questions, then think of the opposite question. Think of the time when the other person did not trust you and the reason for their doubts and distrust."
Father Rabino stopped walking and said, "Now hold into that thought and write it down." The staff gave each student a pen and a piece of paper. "I'll give you one hour to do it. You can do it here, or you can do it outside, just let yourself be comfortable. But you have to do it alone." he said.
They disperse within the vicinity of the retreat house. Some went to the garden, some went to their rooms, and some were just plainly on the wide grounds. It was solemn watching them be like this.
As I scanned the grounds, I saw Paul. He was sitting under a huge tree, silently looking afar, but he was not writing anything. I walked towards him and sat on his left. He was startled at first until he saw me. He just looked at me for a minute, then he sighed.
"How was your writing?" I asked. Even though I already had a good view of his blank paper.
"I don't trust anyone... Not anymore," he said plainly.
"Huh?" I said as I raised my eyes and looked at his face with a wavering gaze. He looked at me with the same deadpan face, the usual emotion he projects whenever he is called to my office.
"Why?" I asked again.
"I don't know. I think I just can't," he said. "And I don't think you care... Sir."
"What do you mean by that?"
"You and Flavus. I know what's going on between you two!" He blurted out. "I know you're aware of what I am saying, and you can't deny it. The way you two look at each other every time, and ever since that day at the field trip, I know that there was something between the two of you." He said every word with conviction, and for the first time that day, the expression on his face was filled with sadness, something even more penetrating than anger or hatred.
"But why are you so mad?" I asked. "Don't tell me that you're jealous?"
"Yes, Mr. Gray. I am!" He said, and now there are glittering tears forming on the sides of his eyes. I never thought that I would see him like this. "But that is not the reason why I am angry. I am not mad at you or him. I am mad at myself!" he exclaimed. "I thought I could do it. I thought I could just let him be happy. I trust myself that I could do that, but I can't. I can't stand it, Mr. Gray. To see Flavus look at you like he was looking at the sun but never blinded, to see him smile without reason, and to see him with you. I can't stand it." He added as drops of tears rolled down to his cheeks, but he immediately wiped them.
"I... I don't know that you felt that way," I tried to console him by tapping his back, but he didn't let me.
"Don't please, sir, don't touch me," he said, standing up and walking away. He left me there feeling awful and guilty. I never knew that getting this close to Flavus would have such an impact on someone. And I can't help but think if what we wanted to pursue was really worth it.
After a little while, it was time for the students to go back to the hall. After I ensured no more student was on the grounds, I also went back to the hall. As I enter, Father Rabino has already started.
"Now, I want some of you to read what you have written," Father Rabino said. "But, you don't have to name the person. He or she can be here or not. Just make sure that what you've written will reach the person in your most perfect timing, okay?" the student nodded, but none of them volunteered to be the first one to read. Until there's one. It was a spectacled young lady, he went to the front, and she adjusted her glasses before she started reading.
"I trusted my best friend," she started. "I could trust her with all f my secrets. Without hesitation, I would tell her anything without embarrassment or shame because I know she would do the same, she would trust me and tell me everything that was happening to her. And what would make me lose that trust is when she did not tell me something I should know, like an important event that happen in her life such as having a boyfriend or having a first kiss..."
She continued reading what she had written, but I wasn't paying attention. I was scanning the crowd of students. Flavus was hard to miss because of his height. He was looking at the front and listening to the girl. I noticed that Paul was not at his side, making me wonder where he had gone.
"Okay, now that we're done with a volunteer, let me personally pick one among you," Father Rabino walked down the aisle as he looked left and right. "Young man, would you care to share what you have written?" he asked a boy from the center part of the crowd, I couldn't see who is it at first, but I was surprised when he stood up. It was Paul. I saw him throw a glimpse at Flavus before he went to the front without saying anything. I am confused about what he says because I saw that he had nothing written in his paper.
"To be honest, I have written nothing on my paper," he stated while he showed everyone his blank paper. "Maybe because I didn't have anyone to trust... Not even myself." As he said that, I looked at Flavus. He was intently looking at Paul with a serious face. "I've always thought that I could do it. I thought I could do anything just by myself, that I never have to trust anyone to believe in me, help me, or just be with me, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't. One person just proved to me that I was wrong about that belief. I thought I'd be fine to not share my feelings with anyone, to not say anything about my experiences or the things I have gone through," I could see his hands were trembling. He might be trying not to cry. "Until I learned to trust him." He paused, raised his eyes, and met Flavus' dead gaze. "We shouldn't be afraid to trust, but we should be ready for the consequences of trusting. Because sometimes trust, like promises, can be broken, and it can hurt so much that it can scar us, and we all know that scars are permanent." He raised his eyes once again and let out a sigh before going back to his seat.
"It's true, students. When we trust, we give parts of ourselves to that person. And we often forget that we are vulnerable and fragile like glass. And once broken, it was hard or sometimes impossible to rebuild," with his most calm voice Father Rabino said. "Now, who wants to go next?" As he said that, the hesitation of the students seemed to vanish in thin air, and a number of hands were raised. And one of them is Flavus, but he was not just raising his hand, he also stood up, and because of his height, it made Father Rabino notice him.
Father Rabino called Flavus to the front, and the hall became silent again. I was intently looking at him as he made his way there, and I noticed the seriousness painted on his face. I saw him glance in the direction where Paul was, then he looked at me and nodded. I don't know what that nod means. It makes me want to listen to all he has to say.
"I always thought that the foundation of almost all relationships is trust, such as friendship and love. But I realize now that it is more than that," he stops mid-sentence and glances at me again. "Trust is just a part of it. There is also courage and acceptance. And they are not all equally important. One can be more powerful or important than the others, but without any of them, I would say there is no trust. " Another pause, and I saw him look back at me, but this time he didn't just glance. He locked gazes with my eyes. I saw his expression. It seems to be a mixture of emotions I cannot actually decipher. "And there is also an opposite of trust. And for me, it is fear. Because to trust is to be vulnerable, and yes, I am afraid to be vulnerable. I am afraid of being hurt or scarred and becoming broken. I am afraid to lose someone that I believe I could never hurt." I was already feeling weak and shaken by his words, but I steeled myself to hide it and listen attentively. "And the most fearsome of all is when you can't trust your own self. You can't trust yourself because you think you're weak or you're a failure. You are afraid that you're not good enough for everyone around you. So you confuse it with cowardice. Because to be brave is what you're trying to be. To be brave is to subjugate your fear. And you can't do that when you are afraid of yourself. But not until we met someone in our life that would make us believe that it is okay to be afraid and vulnerable. That in many lifetimes...." He paused again and swallowed, and I wondered if he was nervous or trying not to cry. "That in many lifetimes, we came to realize that we need to trust blindly rather than be scared. So to the person that I trust the most, I know that you're able to hear me now. I want you to know that I trust you and I am giving a huge part of myself to you but also wanted you to finally be able to trust yourself." He had already finished and was walking down the aisle with his head down, but I think he was looking at me until his last step, which makes him look at the back now. The hall was full of silence, and that silence lasted for a few minutes until Father Rabino broke it by clapping. 186Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwRy0AMZSo
