Carlo Paul Morris' POV
The sun still goes down with the same magnificent glow as the day ends, but just like before I met Flavus, the sunshine, although it still feels warm, is incomplete.
As the landscape of the horizon afar casts a long shadow and the color of blue darkens, and the clear light of the moon and stars shows, I was here. Standing near the edge of the rooftop but far enough not to see the ground below. And I'm still hoping that Flavus will meet me here before the sun sets, but for the past two days, I haven't seen any sign of him.
I looked over the field and saw distant stars twinkling, like a kid looking out of his bedroom window and gazing at the stars with his parents. The thought of home never gets old, and my eyes perched on the starry blackness of the night sky. I feel a kind of calmness but am still empty.
It was almost completely dark before I decided to went home. On my way out of the university, I see a man walking strangely familiar. I can tell based on his uniform that he is a staff at the university. I wasn't wrong. As he came closer, I confirmed that it was Mr. Gray. But unlike before, he had a heavy and serious look on his face.
"Good evening Mr. Gray," I greeted him as he approached. "Why so serious, sir?" I asked, making him furrow his brows as if I had said something wrong.
"Mr. Morris, why are you still here at this hour?" he asked, completely ignoring my question.
"I... I just went to the garden sir," I said. "But the plants are all wilted, do you still have seeds that we can plant in there?"
"Yes I do have but it was in my dorm, I'll make sure to bring it tomorrow. You can get it in my office," he said. "By the way, did you happen to see Flavus today?" he asked. I can see that his furrowed expression relaxed when he mentioned Flavus.
"Mr. Gray, I haven't seen him today. The last time I did see him was two days ago when..." I paused and hesitated if I would tell him what had happened that night or not. I choose the latter. "Yeah, I saw him two days ago." His expression changes again. I have no idea what was going on with him and Flavus, but I can see that there is something more.
"Yeah, Ms. Follon had told me that he's been absent for about two consecutive days and..." just like what I did, he paused midsentence. "And I tried to go to his dorm, but it seems like there was no one there," he continued. I just remembered that they are almost neighbors, just a couple of units apart.
"He's also not answering my calls and messages," I revealed.
"Maybe you can try to contact him again for me?" Mr. Gray suggested. "If you do, please tell him that being absent without an excuse letter may result in detention or suspension," he explained. I just nodded, and with that, he left, but I just had a hunch to go to Flavus' dorm.
"Ahm. Mr. Gray," I called. "You're on the same floor with him right?" I asked.
"Hmmm. Yes Mr. Morris, why do you ask?"
"Can I walk with you, I'll try to visit him," I said.
"Yeah, sure. Good idea."
Then the two of us walked outside the university. The night air seems to be cooler now compared to the past days. The wind is blowing, and the stars twinkle in the dark as if somebody had decorated the night sky. We both walked in silence on the sidewalk until he spoke again.
"So, you've become friends, huh?" he said, making me look at him while trying to figure out what he meant.
"What do you mean sir?" I just asked in return.
"I mean, when the three of us met, both of you are trying to beat each other up, and now you're visiting him because you haven't seen him in days," he explained.
"Hmmm. Yeah. I guess we've become friends," I candidly said. "It's not that hard to be friends with him, actually. He was a light person. He was kind and honest but still mysterious. He's like a puzzle that was halfway through completing," I didn't realize I was saying those things about Flavus. Mr. Gray was looking at me with an expression I couldn't figure out.
Mr. Gray thought for a while and asked again. "What happened that day that you saw him?" He was definitely referring to that night, the same night when I went out to follow him and the night that Flavus had been acting so strange.
"I don't think he wanted me to tell it to you sir or to anybody, It's just I think he was hurt and run out of gas so I took him home," I said. "I brought him to his dorm sir, he looked like he had enough so I just left him and go back to sleep," I ended my story.
He didn't say anything. He just sighed. That's when I noticed that the two of us were already at the front of the dorm building, making me wonder how we got there so fast.
"What about you sir? How are you and Flavus?" I asked. He looked at me and shook his head before going inside the elevator.
"We're good. I think we're good," he said. I just nodded. I could see that he wanted to say something more, but he stopped himself.
"Are you going with me, sir?" I asked, even though I almost knew what he would say.
"I don't think I will. Just let me know how he is, okay?" then he walked towards his room, and I switched to Flavius' and went there to knock on the door. "I knew it was locked, but I knocked anyway. No answer. So I knocked again, but still, no one answered.
"Flavus?" I called. There was still no answer, so I called again. This time louder and knocking loudly as well. "Flavus are you there?" then the door swung open. "What?" Flavus shouted.
He was half-naked, not wearing any top, just his boxers. I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't. My eyes wander to his bare chest, a part of him that I haven't seen yet. Seeing him like that gave me butterflies, a feeling I don't get every day. And on top of that, I was slightly aroused, so I swallowed hard. But it had gone away because of the pungent smell that greeted me.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. Based on his voice, he had been drinking. "I told you I wanted to be alone," he added. His voice seems a little hoarse but still deep.
"I... I haven't seen you for days. Are you okay?" I said as I took a glimpse of his very messy room that reeks of someone that has been drinking, old and stale alcohol smell. In the corner are empty bottles of Red Label scotch whisky, and on the bed sits a half-empty water bottle with cigarette butts and different fast-food wrappers.
He didn't say anything, and his expression was unreadable. He just left me at his front door and went to get another bottle of alcohol, then he went to get a cigarette on his desk, and after he lit it end, he chugged the bottle and smoked the cigarette at the same time with the same hand.
"Flavus, Flavus, Flavus," I said again, trying to talk to him, but he just ignored me. I have no idea what's going on with him or what I should do. "Flavus, I... I think you've had enough," I said, trying to get the bottle off his hands, but he didn't give in, so I had to forcefully take it from his hands and throw them to the floor. It didn't break, but it still made quite a mess. I just looked at him, and as he was looking at me, my gaze lingered on his body again.
"Why are you here?" he asked again. It seemed as though he was angry, but I don't think he was mad about what I did with his alcohol. "I'm here to check if you're okay," I answered. "It's not a crime to check if the person I'm friends with is okay. Don't tell me you've been like this every day. The teachers are looking for you. I think you've gone too far." I scolded.
Then something caught my attention. Flavus was squinting his eyes and looking at me. I couldn't help but notice that his eyes can be so intense and bright even without the help of light.
"How long do you think we've been friends?" he asked. It sounded more like a statement than a question, but I answered anyway.
"I don't know," I replied, intrigued at what he was about to say. "Because it feels like longer than it actually is."
I shook my head in confusion and immediately regretted having said that. I'm not sure where he's going with this, but I'm sure he's definitely drunk right now. He just laughed, but the sound was abrupt, and it took me off guard, so I just stared at him in disbelief, and he stared back at me.
"You know what? I only had two friends," he said, mumbling while trying to get the empty bottle near him. "I only had two. My mother and my brother... And look around. They're not here. They are not everywhere... They left me," he said as he lifted the bottle towards me.
"I..." was all I could say before he downed the bottle.
"But I don't want their company anymore. I don't want their company anymore. I don't need them anymore. They treated me like a child. They always treated me like a child. I'm not a child! I never was a child! I'm a man! I am a man!" he shouted as he looked at me. His eyes were full of emotions, things that I didn't even know he was feeling. "And you, don't you all ever treat me like a child," he said as I saw a glimpse of tears rolling down his cheeks again.
His body shakes as he shakes his head at me. "Don't you ever. Don't ever," he said.
"Don't ever treat me like a child," he said again as he leaned closer to me. This time I smelled the strong aroma of the alcohol he was drinking and the cigarette.
"And don't ever leave me as everyone else did. Don't leave me," he said while looking at me with his whole being. And there was this realization that he was staring at me and caught me off guard, so I just looked at him.
"Don't ever leave me," he pleaded as he went nearer to me. "You can't... You can't leave me," he said again as he came closer to me. His gaze was starting to overwhelm me. He was coming closer and closer. I tried to back up, but I was cornered by the wall of his room and couldn't get out of it.
The next thing shocked the hell out of me. He had grabbed me, and he had pulled me to him. I thought he was going to kiss me. He had pulled me close until I was right next to him, and his body was pressed against mine.
I looked at him even more intently at that moment. He is clearly drunk right now, but I was in shock, and he will only get more intoxicated in time. I did not know what to do except hold on.
I could feel his warmth radiating from his body against mine. And I felt his breath on my face. "I... I..." I swallowed hard as I was not sure what to say. Then he puked. He puked again and again. He was too drunk for me to even try to intervene or stop him. I didn't know what to do. We were both covered with vomit scattered on the floor, and we'd lost balance because of it.
It was a very awkward position, I had tried to get away as I clung to the wall, and he was buried under his own vomit. But my attempts to get away were futile, and I could just fall to the floor when he leaned against me while mumbling something I couldn't understand.
"Stop it," he mumbled between pukes, and I was frozen with my hands against the wall.
"What do you mean to stop it? Can't you see? We're covered with your vomit. It was disgusting, Flavus. It really smells so bad," I said. I don't know what to do next, so I just right up myself and get up and try to get to the bathroom, starting to feel lightheaded. I don't know if it's because of the smell of alcohol or the scent of Flavus' vomit. I breathe in and out slowly while taking off my clothes.
I then return to bring Flavus to the bathroom and clean him. I carried him carefully as his body was a little slippery because of the puke, and he groaned while I was carrying him. I helped him take off most of his shorts when we got to the bathroom. The smell of vomit was strong, and I thought it would make me vomit as well if I were to breathe too much of it in. But eventually, I got him stripped off and turned the shower on.
"I know you're in pain and may feel ashamed, but you need to get better. You'll regret not getting better if you keep drinking like this." It sounded so desperate, and I felt like I was scolding him for being himself as I said that to him. We were both soaked, but I opted to clean him first with every soap and shampoo I could find in this bathroom. He was mumbling and saying gibberish as I scrubbed his body and hair, saying something about leaving and returning; I couldn't understand.
"I need to clean you up, and I can't leave you alone until I've done it," I said as it was my turn to take a shower. I took a shower with Flavus, not very far from me. I am still holding him, and I am being careful that he wouldn't slip because of the water slipping on the tile floor. He sat in the corner and leaned against the wall. He was staring at me blankly while I was just rinsing myself.
After that, I got us towels which I thanked because there were actually two clean towels in his closet. And I got him out of the bathroom and dried him up. "I'm not a child. I'm a man," he mumbled again as I dried him up.
"I know you are," I replied as I dried off myself. Then I brought him inside the room. Good thing that he was not making me go away now and is now patiently letting me dress him up. "I know you are. Stop acting like you are a child," I said as I finished dressing him up. I remembered that I was still naked, so I quickly finished drying up and put the clothes I found in his closet.
Then I laid him on the bed, laid him down, and covered him up with a blanket. He was still mumbling that he was not a child, but he looked like one right now. His expression was blank, and it was like he was not in pain.
He was still occasionally groaning and mumbling words I couldn't understand, so I leaned closer to him, but he grabbed my hand quite hard, making me gasp.
"Why are you still here?" he asked as his eyes started to tear apart, a tear. I stared at him with a shocked expression and realized then that he was not only feeling sad but also remorseful. I don't know why I thought it was that, but it was not far from me, and we were too close, almost heart to heart.
"I... I can't leave you, Flavus," I told him as he continued to stare at me, but then he replied, "I didn't want you to stay... I... I don't think you deserve to see me like this..." He then let go of my hand and looked down at the blanket. I didn't know how to put this into words, so I just said, "I stayed because I wanted to, Flavus. I want to stay. I don't know how to say it. I want to stay with you." And he seemed not to believe me. But then, he changed again and mumbled something again, "I... I... I'm sorry..."
"Why? What really happened?"
"Do you know how it felt to lose everything? Then find someone that makes you felt it that you are complete again. And then eventually find out that it was all a lie?" he then said as he stared at the ceiling.
"I... I... I don't really know." I don't know how to reply as I try to make sense of what he just said. "But what I do know is that I know the feeling of regret... That's why I'm here. I don't want to regret not being with you when I know you need someone to be on your side. Even if you don't say it or even if you say that you don't need me. I'll want to still be here." I did not expect to say these words to him, and I didn't really know how to say what I felt, but I just said I wanted to be with him. I don't know if I was acting like that, but I know it is true. I do want to be with him.
I held his hand while I was sitting on the bed, with him still staring dreamily at the ceiling. I stared at him like I was waiting for his response. I wanted to tell him how I feel and how I want to explore this and how I want to know how he feels.
I finally stood up and came closer to him. I put my hands on his arms and kissed him as I approached him, and he looked at me in shock and upset. "Even if you said you didn't need me. It's fine. I'm here anyway. I want to be with you," I said as I continued to kiss him. He was still looking shocked, with drops of wetness spilling out of his eyes. I grabbed his face and kissed him again.
"Stop," he said, trying to gently push me away. I felt a ringing, and burning sensation hit my ears as he pushed me. It was like I had been slapped a thousand times.
"Why... Why did you do that?" he asked as I stammered while I sat on the bed. I am breathing hard as the realization of what I did hits me. "I'm sorry..." is all I can say after a minute of silence.
"I love you, Flavus... That's why... I love you," I said as he stared at me blankly. I kept staring at him as I said all this, but I didn't know if he had heard me. Then he smiled, but it was the most woeful smile I'd ever seen. That only made my heart break into pieces as I had said what I felt, but somehow I felt relieved that I could say that to him.
But he smiled. He smiled the saddest smile. And when he did, I knew I would not regret this confession.
"I wish, I could also say that," he said while still staring at me. "I wish I could say that I love myself too, that I was able to love someone again, that I can love you too. But I can't Paul... I can't... I can't love you if I'm not able to love myself," he said as I watched him try to hold his tears by smiling.
"I know, and It's okay Flavus. I don't care how it will end up. I will always be with you Flavus," I told him as I continued to stare at him. And as a tear rolled down his cheek, I got over him, held him again, and wiped his tears. "I don't care if you will love me or not, but I will still be here with you."
I don't know if he heard it, but he closed his eyes and finally fell asleep with a smile on his face, a sad one. I don't know how long I stayed there and held him, but I was afraid that if I let him go, I may not have a chance to hold him again.
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