The sound of metronome clicking echoes in my office, almost in sync with every breath I take. It is hard to focus today because I dreamt of Fabian again. But it was more strange than before; he was staring at me in the middle of the dark. I tried to approach him, but I couldn't even come near to him. I feel helpless; it's like I can't even move. In the end, I woke up with a jolt, and my heart seemed palpitating. I rushed out of bed and went to grab a glass of water, trying to calm my erratic heart.
This dream makes me think it has something to do with us again. And as I think about it, I didn't notice that it wasn't just the metronome's clicking that I heard. Someone was knocking at my door.
It was one of the staff from the Dean's office. I signaled her to come in from the glass panel of my door.
"Good morning Mr. Grey, The Dean wanted to see you after lunch," she said politely.
I came to think about what could be the reason why he wanted to see me.
"Did he mention why?" I asked.
"No, actually he only said that he needs to talk to you about something important and he needs to do it as soon as possible."
"Alright, please tell him that I will be ready as soon as possible."
She nodded and left my office. I looked at the clock that displayed a quarter past twelve. Therefore, I only had forty-five minutes left to think about what the Dean wanted to talk about.
In the next few minutes, I finished dealing with my work and decided to go to the Dean's office. I can't explain why I felt heavy as I make my way there. I mean, it's not like I'm a student that was called for detention. But as I make my way into the office, I already feel something is off.
I took a deep breath when I reached the door. I thought the Dean would be beside his desk, but instead, it was empty. There weren't any people in the Dean's office. That's what I thought.
When I moved closer, I saw someone in his office other than him. I saw a woman who was seated in a chair, and she was crying soundlessly. And on the other side was the Dean.
Suddenly as if she heard my footsteps, she stood up immediately and looked at me. "Is it him?" she asked anxiously. Her face seemed familiar, but I couldn't remember where I saw her.
She wiped her tears and looked at me. "You're the one that was in charge of Flavus, right?" she asked me, but I didn't know what to say. I tried opening my mouth, but no words came out. Then suddenly, some sort of mental image floated into my mind. It included this woman, Flavus, his brother, and his father. She was the woman in the portrait. She was Flavus' mother.
After I came to this realization, a sudden thought landed in my mind. "You're Flavus' mother," I said in a whisper.
Flavus' mother looked at me, and her eyes started to tear again. She broke down in tears again. "My son, I wanted to talk to my son, please."
Her weeping made me wonder what was going on. But I also felt slight dismay about her behavior. It seemed like she was the one who wanted to talk to me and not the Dean. I looked at the Dean, who was too silent. He is probably speechless because of the scene he's seeing right now.
I looked at the woman again and asked, "what's happening?"
The woman looked at me but still sobbed, "please, help me meet Flavus. I want to talk to him."
I looked back at the Dean, and in return, he just nodded at me, making me more confused.
"Wait, ma'am. Do you mean to say that you're really Flavus' mother? The one who just left him without saying why and now when he is finally getting himself together, you'll just show up as if nothing happened? What do you think Flavus would feel about that?" I asked out of frustration. I know I'm not supposed to act like this in front of a parent, so I looked at the Dean, but he was not surprised, as if he was expecting me to act this way.
"I know, I made a big mistake when I left. But I don't care anymore. I want to speak with my son now." She tried to plead, but I couldn't just let her do it like that. I can't let Flavus meet her without asking him if he wants to. Now that he was finally getting okay again.
"Mr. Gray. I think we are forgetting about something," the Dean interrupted. "One of our many duty as an educator and you as a guidance counselor is to build a bridge towards a sound relationship between the student and the community. And that most especially the parents." He added.
I looked at him dismayed and tried to argue back, but he talked to Flavus' mother.
"Madam, if you may just leave us alone for a moment, I'll just have something important to tell Mr. Gray," he then gives the woman an assuring look making her get out of the room and leave the Dean and me.
"Sir, we can't just let her see Flavus, all of a sudden. We should at least tell him if he wanted to meet her," I told him in full conviction.
"Mr. Gray, you seemed very close to this student, aren't you?" he asked as if he didn't hear what I had just said. Then he looked at me and ordered me to sit.
"What do you mean sir?"
"You know what? One of the abilities that a Dean must have is to know not just what was happening at the school, but also to its students and most importantly, to its staff." A rush of cold thread seemed to brush up my spine when he said that. I think I know what he was talking about.
"I... I don't understand how this is connected to Flavus' mother sir."
"I received reports that you and Mr. De San Juan was getting..." He paused for a second, trying to recall the word he was about to use. "Very close with each other."
"But you said that I need to guide him," I reasoned.
"Guide Mr. Gray. There is a limit. There is a thin line where you can and can't go... Where you mustn't go," he paused again. Before today, I liked it when he talked like that. It makes me curious about what he was going to say next. But now, it only made me nervous. "... and this time, I think you failed to notice the line and actually crossed it." He plainly said.
"What...? I... I can't understand what you're accusing me of, Sir!" I denied it vigorously. Acting so naïve to think that I could get away with it.
"During the retreat... the field trip... During his first day, you did not only let him smoke but also joined him. And during your late-night escapades on the dorm rooftop. You think that isn't crossing the line Mr. Gray?" he asked, and I actually could not talk at that moment. I came to think about how he knew all of that. And why didn't he talk about this before? "And I would be surprised if you don't know about Mr. De San Juan's plan to study abroad..." Before I could object, he continued. "And I think it would not be so great for his recommendation letter if it would say that he had violated campus rules and had a special... If not intimate relationship with the guidance counselor, does it?"
"You're blackmailing me?"
"No. Mr. Gray. I am giving you a choice... Do you see? If Mr. De San Juan could talk to his mother, god knows they might still be able to reconcile, and I would personally give him the most coveted recommendation I can give. I think it's so much better than him getting expelled before graduation and knowing that you're the reason behind that" I didn't see all of it coming like this. It was like a slap on the face. I was speechless because of all the things he had just said. I didn't know what to say... I let out a sigh and just thought of the best way to work it out.
"I don't think you're this horrible," I said.
"I am. Mr. Gray. I'm telling you, I always get what I wanted." He said so plainly as if he was just casually doing all of these things all along.
"I hope you're as integrous as you're horrible," this time, I didn't expect him to be offended by what I'd said; instead, I expected him to feel good because he knew that he won again this time.
He just smiled and called Flavus' mother inside the room. I stood up and said, "Tomorrow at five, meet him on the rooftop of building B," and then I walked away. But before I opened the door, I heard him say. "I'll let you be the one who will write his recommendation, Mr. Gray," I didn't look at him. I just left both of them in the office.
On my way back to my office, I lost all interest in going back to work, so instead of wasting the subsequent four hours loathing the Dean, I grabbed my things and got back to the dorm early and thinking of all the possible reactions Flavus would do if he sees his mother and when he found out that I help his mother to see him.
And just as unfortunate as I am today, I open the door only to see Flavus sitting in one of the chairs and playing with the metronome.
"Flavus? What are you doing here?" I startled him, but he said nothing. He just looked at me and smiled.
"I did not have the chance to bid you goodbye during the retreat that's why I'm here," he said.
"You don't have to do that. It's fine..."
"And I also wanted to give this to you," he then handed me a piece of paper. I stared at it for a second and realized it was the same letter he had written during the retreat. I held it in my hand and stared at it the whole time.
"Thank you!" I then said. He stared at me and smiled once again. He was about to come near me when I moved and went to my chair on the other side of the table. I knew he was about to hug me, but the guilt enveloped me.
I looked at his disappointed and confused face. "Why?" he asked.
I took a deep breath and tried to act as normal as possible. "Nothing... It's just I'm not feeling very well," I reasoned, then gave him a fake smile.
I knew he did not believe me, but I also knew that he would not force me to tell him what was going on. For almost a minute, I pretended that I was searching for something in my drawer while he was there watching me, and the only sound I could hear was the sound of the metronome.
"I think I need to go to my next class... Sir." He finally said. But it made me stop and look at him for a while. I became too comfortable with him calling me by my first name, and now that he calls me Sir seems a little awkward.
Before he could go out, I called him. "Another thing Flavus..." he stops and turns around. As he did that, the surge of guilt came crashing again into my mind. "Can you meet me tomorrow?" It was cliche to say, but when he heard me say that, I think I saw his eyes twinkle, and the disappointment painted on his face just a while ago vanished instantly.
"Yes. On the dorm rooftop?" he asked, smiling, making me feel even more guilty.
"No... I mean, we can meet at the rooftop garden, it has been a while since I visit it," I said.
"Okay, I'll be there after class. See you!" he gleefully said as he closed the door.
#
When the night came, it was like sleepiness forgot that I existed. I can't sleep at all. I kept thinking about the things that happened today. All I want to do is for Flavus to understand why I did it. But I can't tell him about what the Dean has told me because I know that he would act opposed to it, and that's the last thing I want right now.
I looked at my phone to see that it was already past midnight, and I was still wide awake. Thinking of all the possible scenarios that would happen tomorrow when Flavus met his mother after a long time. I tried to forcibly close my eyes and hoped it would help me sleep, but it didn't. I stared at the ceiling and just looked at nothing. This time I recall all the things that he and I went through. I can't imagine that, after all those things, here I am, having trouble falling asleep because I was thinking that I was going to hurt him.
But what if it doesn't? What if the principal was right, and they actually reconciled? If that happens, then all of my worries will be gone.
I then let out a deep contented sigh. I don't know if I had fallen asleep already or not. But when I looked at my clock again, it was almost two o'clock in the morning, and still, I didn't feel any sign of somnolence. I had always been like this since I had those visions. Awake at two o'clock in the morning. But now it wasn't like that anymore. Yes, I am awake, but for another reason. I force myself to get out of bed, and I get to smoke just like those times. Hoping that one stick of cigarette would knock me out. I wore a jacket, put it on, and went out off the terrace.
I then lit the cigarette and took the first puff. I then looked at the glow of the moon and the clouds and then at the stars. One of them is making a crescent moon shape, almost like it was its own little moon. Then I looked at where Flavus' unit was. But it was empty. Unlike before, we met each other. Before, we were mere souls sharing the chilly twilight air and showering in the smell of each other's smoke. Unlike that time, I am now alone.
#
It was the first time I'd been woken up by my alarm. I looked at it and saw that it was just thirty minutes before my office hour started, so I rushed out of bed and got directly to the bathroom. Can't even bother with coffee since I just got up. After finishing, I washed my face, went to my room, dressed, and put on my jacket. Soon, I was at the entrance, and the confused face of the security welcomed me.
"Mr. Gray, had a good night's sleep huh?" he greeted. "I think it was the first time you almost did not beat the clock?"
"Yeah, it's just I've overslept," I replied, then went straight to my office. I then tried to keep myself calm as I sat down on my chair. I took out my notes from yesterday, but today also, I just can't find what I'm looking for. Before I let my eyes go blurry from looking at the papers I had to work on, I heard a knock at the door.
"Come in," I said without looking at who is it.
"Good morning Mr. Gray. I just wanted to ask if you're going to have a class with us today?" it was Melody, a freshman from the college of psychology, and as she said that, my eyes widened, and I looked at my calendar. And there I looked under Friday. I have a class today and am already twenty minutes late. I think I was making the dumbest face in front of one of my students because I thought it was Thursday.
"I'm sorry, I must be terribly late. I'll get here as soon as possible," I quickly said and got up, "I'm so sorry," I apologized as I ran out of the office.
I can't believe I had a class today! I thought harshly to myself as I made my way into the classroom. I feel horrible already because I knew I won't have enough time to cover today's schedule and to think of it, I am very strict regarding time.
When I arrived at the classroom, the disappointed faces of the freshman greeted me. I know what they are thinking. They hoped that I would be absent today. But I can't just sit in my office and burden myself again with the thought of Flavus' and his mom's meeting.
"Good morning class, I am terribly sorry that I am late today. It's just some circumstances are hard to avoid," I reasoned out. I can see the look on each of everyone's faces that they are not buying what I just said. "So. To compensate for that, we won't be having a discussion today. Instead, we will be having a graded recitation."
After I said that, the sounds of complains echoes in the room, but I had to cut it in an instant. "But don't worry, the topic isn't from the syllabus. And it will be just one question," I said. I waited for them to settle in before I continued. After some time, I could feel everyone's silence. I cleared my throat and asked them, "which would you choose between these situations, lie in order to protect the one that's important to you, or tell them the truth even if it would hurt them?"
After a few minutes, everyone seems to have finally made up their minds, and I am expecting some answers from them. I waited for another minute before one student raised her hand. I nodded, and she didn't hesitate. Her name is Alyson, one of my top students.
"I think telling the truth is more important than protecting the other person. Letting them know what's really going on in someone's heart is much better than lying to them," she answered.
"Why do you say so, Ms. Alllison?" I asked her.
"Because sometimes you should let other people know the truth. You know? I mean we all need to be worthy of someone's trust and it all must start at little things or even if the intention is to protect, the moment that you lied is also the moment that you've failed to protect them," she explained.
The moment she spoke, I realized that she was making her point.
"But what if the person you're protecting doesn't have to know the truth? I mean, there is a saying that what you don't know won't hurt you. Or the concept of white lies."
"Well, it still doesn't give us the right to not tell the truth because for me the goal of telling the truth is gaining trust and not hurting other people," she said.
"Thank you for your expressive and dignified insight, Ms. Allison. Well, I can see your point there, but just to balance the scale, is there anyone on the other side of the argument?" I asked the rest of the class, and Jannice raised her hand as expected. Since the first day of our class, it was always the two of them who were competing to be on top, and most of the time, their opinions and views, especially on debates, were always contradicting.
"Yes, Ms. Jannice. Go on," I said.
"Sir I think Allison has a point... Unfortunately, she forgot one important point here. And that is the motive."
"What about it?" I asked again.
"Just like all of the things that are happening, we have motives in all of the things that we do, and each motive bears a reason. Maybe it is wrong to lie only when your motive is to hurt or deceive. But when it is to protect, to keep your word, in all situations, even with whomsoever, it is very possible that the motive outweighs the ethics of telling the truth," she said.
I could feel the excitement going through the air as I realized everyone was interested in Jannice's response. I nodded silently. "I know I'm repeating myself, but I believe that lying is unjustifiable. You don't tell the truth, so you lie. It's as simple as that." I expect that Allison will not be silent about Jannice's response. She stood and said this defense after Jannice's claim. "But the question is, Is it really protecting when the other person might be hurt by the things you can't say?" She paused. "Or is it even more hurtful to the person you're protecting if you don't tell the truth?"
The class is silent again. The conversation was going on. They were criticizing the other's opinion on both sides, saying that the other was wrong.
"Ms. Allyson and Ms. Jannice, both of your views are valid. But I believe that it all shall always depend on the situation." I said. "And we cannot actually just say that one is more correct or more wrong because it will always depend on the motives. We can only say that for the present situation, using Alyson's example, the motive outweighs the ethics of telling the truth because the truth would only harm their trust in our relationship. While for Jannice's example, she can keep her word and always be protected if, as a consequence of telling the truth, the other would be hurt by the idea of being deceived. For me, it is preferable to be protected than deceived." And just like that, I say, Allison's face contorted like she wasn't welcoming what I just said. And as she was about to argue back. The bell rang, so I had to dismiss the class.
Unlike my first class, the other one goes according to schedule, and I am not late, but I can't say that I gave all my efforts in teaching because my mind still clung to my discussion a while ago. When the last class of the day ended, I went straight to my office and contemplated if I would be going to meet Flavus or just let him be there and be surprised that his mom was also there.
For a while, I sat in my office thinking about this. There was a knock on my door, and just as I expected, it was the Dean. It makes me wonder what could be the reason why he is dedicated to helping Flavus's mother.
"Mr. Gray," he said as he came in. The uneasy feeling of being in front of him doesn't change even if I'm on the other side of the table now.
"Sir." My short reply.
"I believe you're not forgetting our agreement, right?" he said.
"I did not agree to any of it sir, I'm just doing this because you leave me no choice."
He chuckled and walked towards the window, where he could see a portion of the university grounds.
"You know what, Mr. Gray?" He said. "Every single thing that we chose to do or not to do, all starts from one's choice and from someone acting upon this choice. And saying that we don't have a choice isn't true at all. We always have two choices to choose from. First, we chose to do the things that we have to do, and second, we chose not to do these things. The only difference is how well can you handle the consequences of your choices. So let me ask you this Mr. Gray, can you handle seeing Flavus lose his dream? The one he actually wanted to do for himself, just because you wanted to what? protect him? From his own mother?" he said as he turned to face me.
I'm taken aback by his words and stare at him. I have a thousand reasons why I should not follow him, but out of that reasons, there is only one that can change it. And that is Flavus.
"Yes, I have a choice, and I'm acting upon it now," After saying that, I sprinted to the rooftop garden to let Flavus know about his mother. I was lucky that there were only a few students left at the university. I ran through the grounds for I don't know how fast, and I was panting as I reached the rooftop.
But it was too late when I opened the door. Both of them, Flavus and his mother, looked at me. I can see Flavus' swollen eyes and curled fist.
"Why is she here, Mr. Gray?" he asked. I stared at him and tried to answer multiple times but failed. No words came out of my mouth, and I could sense his anger and disappointment.
"He has nothing to do with it Flavus, he just wanted to help you," his mother said, which I honestly hoped she didn't.
"You mean he knew all of this?" he asked his mother before turning back to me. "You knew that she would be here?" he asked again, and just like before, I couldn't answer him. "Wait... Did you know it before or after you told me to get here?" I looked at him and gathered all of my courage to tell him a lie he had just realized by now.
"I just wanted to help you, Flavus," but it's not true. I did not do it for him. I do it for myself because I can't face the fact that I didn't dare to fight for him. "I didn't mean to..."
"Help me?" his mother was trying to hold his hand as he aggressively went near me. And I admit, it was the first time I had been afraid of a student. "Does this look like it's helping at all? And who are you to decide for me, huh?... You can't even..." he stops. I could see that he was trembling with anger and just trying to contain it.
"I... I'm sorry Flavus... I..."
"Just... just stop okay,"
"Flavus, this is enough. He is your teacher!" his mother spoke again. He looked at his mother and then back to me.
"You're right. He is just my teacher. So please excuse me. SIR!" then he ran out and slammed the door.
His mother went to chase him, and I was left there on the rooftop, making me realize that I was the sole reason for all of this.241Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsByhNemqXh
