So, this is how dying feels like...
I cannot move.
It's just cold and dark, and unable to breathe.
Dead, but I'm still aware. I can still see the stranger above the bridge where I fell. He looked at me while I sunk into the deep dark water. I can see his face, but I don't know who he is.
I was panting and sweating as if I had jogged a mile. The sun was shining brightly, and my clock was making noise for I don't know how long.
I turned it off while having a huge yawn. It was already seven in the morning, and today was my first day at my new school. I had no problem at my previous university, but my father suddenly wanted me to transfer here. And his reasons? Well, that was a mystery for me. Even though I knew I would be late If I didn't stand up immediately, I still stared at the ceiling and thought of that dream.
I kept dreaming of it since I was a child, but unlike before, It was more vivid now. And I can remember it clearly. The way I slowly descend into the cold water and the way I gasp for air, but all I got was water rushing in my lungs. It makes me feel like it was true. The only difference is it's not.
Halfheartedly I started to prepare to go to university.
"It might not be a bad idea after all," I tried to say.
The university is well known for its prestigious programs. I am taking Bachelor of Arts in History. Why did I take it? I actually don't have any reason. But what keeps me going and enrolling every semester is that I became drawn to learning about the past and how they affect the present and the future. More so, I learned that studying the past is not as complicated as living in the present or worrying about the future, so here I am.
I was late for my first class because I was having trouble finding out where the parking lot of this university was. I asked some staff, and they seemed to contradict each other on where I could park. In the end, I just parked on a vacant lot on the far side of the building labeled as the D.V.A Building.
On my way to the information desk, I noticed some students were keenly looking at me. They were maybe wondering who am I. I enrolled two weeks past the first day of classes and now was also late for my first subject.
"Excuse me, Miss. I'm Flavus Kree De San Juan, and I just transferred. May I know where this room is?" I asked the staff at the front desk and then showed her my schedule.
"You're Mr. De San Juan?" she asked.
I just nod. Curious as to why it seems that they are expecting me.
"The Dean is actually waiting for you. Just go to your left at the end of the hallway, and you'll find the office. He wants a word," I'm confused as to why the Dean wanted to talk to me when it is just my first day.
I walked toward the end of the hallway and entered the office without knocking. I saw a rather young man I can't tell if he is a student or a staff. And opposite him was another older one. A huge marble nameplate on the table was hard not to notice. Anacleto Oda was etched scribbles in a fancy font and below the name is the word, Dean.
Both of them looked at me, but it was not the Dean that caught my attention but the man sitting in front of him. I know, and I cannot be wrong. He is the man that I saw in that dream—the one who was staring at me while I was drowning.
"Good morning Flavus," the Dean said, but I didn't speak. I just nod and sit on the other chair. He introduced me to the man next to me.
"Nice meeting you, Mr. De San Juan," he said, extending his hand. The more I looked at him, the more vividly I saw the stranger in my dream, except now, he has a name; Mr. Gray. I shook his hand, still looking directly into his eyes. The eyes that I only looked at as I submerged deep in the water. But now he was looking at me, not in my dreams but in reality. And I refuse to believe that it was just a coincidence because I started to feel suffocated as if my lungs were slowly being submerged in water.
"Okay then. So if you don't have any questions, you both may go now," the moment the Dean said that. I immediately stood up and left the office but heard him call Mr. Gray again.
I didn't wait for him. I just walked into the hallway, hoping to find my next class. But not long after, he called me. I did not look at him and decided to continue walking.
"Hey, can't you hear me?" he asked. I'm not sure, but I noticed traces of annoyance in his voice.
"I can," I said.
"Good, perhaps we can make this work. Tell me, which room is your first class?" as soon as he asked that, the bell rang, and the hallway became crowded with students.
"It just ended."
"What about your next cl..."
"Where is the library?" I asked, cutting him off. He seemed to be taken aback by my actions, but I was surprised that he still managed to be relaxed even though I appeared rude.
"It was just at the end of the hallway. Why do you ask?"
"Are you going to follow me around all day?"
"Yeah, maybe. I was asked to tour you, so I must do it."
"And are you going to talk non-stop as you do that?"
"I can't let you familiarized yourself around the campus if I didn't talk," he said matter of factly.
"In that case, I will be in the library," I said as I open the library door.
I admit I was surprised by their library. It was spacious and well-lit, with bookshelves that reached the high ceiling. I can notice some students were studying on the fancy couch. There seems to be a long counter at the front full of people. I'm sure they are the librarians or lab attendants. Someone is sitting at the computer providing support services to the students. And another was sitting at the desk, taking out the books from the shelves, putting them on this table, and checking them. The more I looked at the books, the more of an encyclopedia they seemed. I don't know of any school that may have so many textbooks.
I began to scan any history book I could find, perhaps the one that would tell me the history of this university.
"Hey, why do you want to be here?" I almost forgot that Mr. Gray is still with me.
"So that you would shut up," I didn't mean to be rude, but it was too late now. He didn't follow me anymore. I got a book entitled History of the Philippines: From Indios Bravos to Filipinos and sat at one of the tables.
Later on, I saw Mr. Gray. He seems to be panting but what freaks me out is he was just standing there staring at me blankly. I tried to focus on reading, but he was still looking at me.
"You're freaking me out,"
"What?" he said.
"You're staring at me. A while ago, you were talking non-stop, and now it seems like you're planning to kill me. You're freaking me out," I said without looking at him. I pretend to read, but I can't understand a single thing.
"I... I'm sorry. Do you want to go?" I don't know why he asked that.
"I just don't know why I'm being escorted all around."
"Because the Dean asked me to tour you around. It was a request from one of your father's friends."
"My father doesn't have friends," I said coldly.
I don't want to talk about him, so I divert the topic.
"What do you teach?" I asked him.
"I teach psychology."
"That explains the look."
"What look?"
"The way you look at me. You're reading me, aren't you?"
"No. I'm not."
"That's what a psychologist would say."
"But I really am not," he said loudly, making me and the other students look at him.
"Okay," I said plainly.
"What about you? What program are you taking?"
"History."
"Really? You don't look like one," I glanced at him again but continued reading.
"What do I look like then?"
"You looked like an engineering major,"
"Not a chance."
"Why did you major in history?"
"No reason," I said, standing up. I could see him get the book I used, so I went out and waited for him.
He went out of the library, almost going to run into the hallway but stopped when he saw me waiting for him.
"Were you waiting for me?" he asked. I don't know if he was just teasing me or if he was really surprised that I was waiting for him.
"Yes, I don't know where room 304 is."
"Is that your next class?" I just nod.
"Then I'll guess we'd go there," he said, leading the way toward the upper floors.
I'm just quietly following him. Still thinking about why he was in my dreams, but I didn't want to ask him. That would be weird, I'm sure.
When we got to room 304, I could hear that the class had already started. Mr. Gray knocked, and a woman poked her head out. He talked to this professor named Ms. Acosta. She's quite young to be teaching Economic History of the Philippines but judging from her stance, I think she might be good. She looked at me and instructed me to sit, but before I did so, I glanced at the writings on the board and saw that they'd been discussing the economic development of the country, and that's when I saw Mr. Gray got away, she closes the door but didn't continue the lesson. She asked me to go in front to introduce myself. I'm not aware that self-introduction is still a thing at this university.
I stood up, but I didn't go to the front.
"I'm Flavus Kree De San Juan, and I major in History," then I sit. I believe that's the only thing they have to know.
I could see that the professor and my classmates were looking at me curiously. But she collected herself and continued the lesson. I was not wrong. She is indeed good at teaching.
The class lasted for three hours, and I'm glad that it didn't bore me. Even if I'm two weeks late, the lessons don't seem far from where I expected them to be.
"Okay, I think that would be all for today, and don't forget to email the assignment, okay?" the professor said, ending her lesson.
As my classmates were going out, Ms. Acosta called me, "Mr. De San Juan? May I have a word, please?"
I just went near her without speaking.
"I know that this is your first day here, and I know that you are aware that you're two weeks late on the lesson, so I'll ask you if you are willing to take the previous activities that you've missed so that it may not affect your grades?"
"Can I have another day to read the two-week lesson?" I asked.
"Oh, yes, of course. I'll send you an email with the syllabus, okay?"
Again I just nodded and left the classroom. It is my last class today, but I don't want to go home yet.
"Mr. De San Juan, I almost forgot Mr. Gray wanted to see you," she said as I went out. I looked at him and continued walking.
I can't explain why I felt suffocated around that man, and he talked non-stop. Not common to a guidance counselor. And it's weird enough that I saw him in my dreams even before I met him. Instead of going to his office, I went to the end of the hallway leading to the rooftop.
On my way there, I saw signs that students were not allowed to go there. It doesn't matter because no one was around, and probably no one would find me here.
The old rusty iron door was hard to open, but I still managed it with a bit of push. And the sun greeted me. It was too bright that I had to close my eyes for a moment and gradually open them as they adjusted to the brightness. I left the door open and walked near the edge.
As I did this, I looked below and saw that it was indeed high; if I fell, it may be fatal. On the back of my head, there seemed like this tiny voice that told me to jump, but no one in his right mind would listen to that voice.
I sat on the edge, though, making my feet hang. I knew everyone who was going to see me would freak out, but there were not many people in the field, and the sun was too bright for them to look up. I grabbed my bag, pulled out a pack of cigarettes, got one, and lit it. It's an old habit that I haven't given up on, even though I'm not a heavy smoker. I only do it if I need to sort something on my mind.
I took a deep breath and exhaled the smoke. After I breathed it out, I came to think again about my dream. The dream that I am drowning and the man, Mr. Gray. What does he have to do with this dream of mine? I simply asked myself, hoping to find answers in the cloud of smoke I blew.
I took another cloud of smoke, looking at the sky. I was alone. However, I can feel that someone is watching me from behind. I was about to turn when someone grabbed me and dragged me to the far side of the rooftop. It happened so fast that the next thing I knew is am panting and Mr. Gray's face was so close to mine.
"Hey, What are you doing? let go of me!" I said annoyingly as I tried to get away from his grip, but it was too tight. He pushed my shoulders, making me sit on the floor.
"What are you doing?" he asked, but unlike before, he was furious.
"I should be the one to ask," I replied. Not breaking eye contact. I could see that he was mad, but he didn't speak. He was still holding my shoulders while I panted. I know he can smell the cigarette on my breath, but I can't take my eyes off his.
"You're wanting to kill yourself," he remarked, and it made me laugh sarcastically, finally making sense of why he acted like that.
"It's funny. I'm not trying to jump if that's what you mean, okay?"
"Then why are you on the edge of the roof," I don't know if he was just dumb or acting it out, but I didn't speak. Instead, I just showed him the cigarette in my hand.
"Do you know that if you're caught smoking within the university premises, you will end up in the discipline's office?" he said, letting go of me.
I stood up and tidied my pants.
"That's why I'm here. I don't want to be caught."
"You will be caught if you'd smoke here. Moreso, on the edge of the rooftop," he said. " Common, go with me." I guess I don't have a choice now. It's my first day, and I already had my violation. I dropped my cigarette on the floor, stepped on it, and followed Mr. Gray.
As I followed him, I noticed that there weren't many students in this area, and the sign said fire exit.
"Is it your office?" I asked.
"What? No."
"Then what is this, and why are we here?"
"Give me the cigarette," he said. I just sighed and gave the packet to him. But instead of keeping it, he got one and asked for my lighter.
"Do give me your lighter," is he gonna smoke?
"Can I have your lighter, please?" he asked again. I was just looking at him as he blew a cloud of smoke.
"What?" he asked me as if a professor smoking in an old storage room with a student was normal.
"You said If someone gets caught smoking, they will end up in the discipline's office."
"That's true."
"Then why do you do it?" I said, noticing the CCTV camera pointing in our direction.
"You would only be at the discipline's office if you get caught. And that camera isn't recording." he casually said. "Now tell me, why did you smoke?"
"I... No reason," I said, not looking at him because I knew he would find out that I was lying, but my actions proved that what I say is not true.
"I don't believe you. Here, have another one," I looked at him, surprised but still, I needed to calm down. I got one and lit it.
"So tell me, since when did you smoke?"
"High school, fourth year," it's true. I started smoking in the comfort and storage rooms back in high school.
"And why did you do it?"
"I don't know. Out of curiosity, I guess."
"But what keeps you doing it?"
"It helps me clear my mind and be calm. What about you?"
"Same reason, I guess."
None of us speak. After that, I can only hear him blowing the smoke out.
"Common," he said, making his way to the fire exit.
"Why are we going there? I think the route here is nearer to your office," I suggested.
"Yes, I know, but we need to shake off the smell of smoke, or else we will be both in trouble," I still can't believe that I smoked out with the guidance counselor, who also happens to be in my dream.
"Can I have it back?" I shouted, remembering that he still had my lighter.
"What?"
"My lighter."
"No, I'll keep it for now," he said, then continued walking.
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