It has been a day since I moved to this dorm, and here I am. It is almost three o'clock in the morning, and I haven't been able to sleep. I am overwhelmed by my dreams, and now I'm afraid to sleep. I think the deep blue of the night sky is helping me feel this too. I know what is happening to me would be considered by most people insane, but I am not.
These dreams are doing something to me, and it is changing me. It is like I am becoming different, and it scares me. I am afraid that I am losing control. I know those dreams will happen again. But those dreams aren't new. Those dreams have tormented my mind for as long as I can remember. Always the same night and filled with very vivid images. And those images are not mine.
I went to my balcony and saw the horizon stretched over as far as the line where the sky and the mountains meet. I saw the lights coming from the buildings in the university and the still busy urban streets with moving lights on the highway.
The wind blew softly but with a force that made my hair move. It was cold and a little wet. I went to my pocket, hoping to find a cigarette to warm me up, but I ran out of it.
I was about to back inside when I smelled a familiar scent of smoke, but it was different from what I usually smoked. It was more strong. The aroma was not so much offensive but sweet. And very much irresistible too. I tried to look around for the source of the smoke. And I found a man's silhouette on his balcony, maybe two or three units far from mine, and even though it was still dark, I knew it was from him because I saw a small glowing red dot in his hand.
The wind is getting colder. I don't know if it's because of how early it was or because I wanted to smoke really l bad, so I went back to my room. My things are still not in order. Most of them are still in the luggage.
The room is bare, with one lonely lamp on the corner of the table near the bed. I turned it on, and there I was, standing in the middle of the semi-empty room, staring at the window as if waiting for the aroma to come back and lingers around me. But it didn't.
I lay down on my bed, finally feeling dizzy and exhausted. It was almost daybreak when I felt it again. I'm gradually sinking into the deep water. But this time, I wanted to swim back. I tried to swim to the surface, but it was too late. I sunk so deep that I couldn't even move anymore. All I see is faint, blurry light that may be coming from the moon. I don't know how long I had been sinking, but I could feel myself suffocating and running out of breath. I went so deep that I couldn't hear or see anything until I heard a loud ringing sound from my alarm.
I woke up panting with my face covered in sweat even though the room was so cold. The sun shone as I looked out on the terrace and found that I didn't close it.
It's already seven twenty-one in the morning, so even though I am still exhausted, I get ready for my class. I just walked towards the university since it's near. Moreso, I wanted to take time to shake off what I've been feeling. My dreams seem to be getting worse. I know it was early, but strangely, there were a lot of students already.
I was walking on the pavement, looking down and analyzing the cracks that have been there for I don't know how long when I accidentally bumped into someone. I instantly apologized, but there was no apology out of his mouth. He was still standing there staring at me. My heart started pounding furiously. I can feel it in my chest. I couldn't speak even if I wanted to. I don't know if he was mad or not. He scanned me up and down slowly, which made me feel very uncomfortable.
He was tall, maybe the same height as I am. He wore a white shirt that was open at the collar and now had a strong orange stain from the drink he was holding before I ran into him. His dark hair was messy with a half-cut, but he looked well-kept. Around him were about three or four other students. He locked eyes with me and stared at me for a second.
He seemed to be waiting for something, but I ignored it. I just walked past him, and that's when I heard him walk towards me, and before I even turned around, I felt a flash of pain in my face, and I was on my back lying on the ground, with this guy standing above me with a curled fist.
"What was your problem?" I asked, but he swung another punch aimed at my face again, but I dodged it. For a moment, he lost his balance, and that's when I got the chance to hit him back. To be fair, I aim in his face as well. It was a clean hit, and I even heard the sound of bone breaking as blood gushed out of his nose. I saw the other guys with him reaching their hands to fight me, but I heard another voice.
"What's going on here?" it was a teacher, I suppose. I ignored her and tried to throw another punch, but she shouted again.
"Stop in an instant! I'm telling you, young man!" she looked serious and in rage as she separated the two of us. I cursed inside my head, but I just paused. Another teacher came, and I recognized her as Ms. Acosta, the professor I met yesterday.
"What's going on here, Ms. Follon?" she asked the teacher who came earlier than her.
"These students are trying to kill each other early this morning," she said.
"I didn't want to kill him. I just defend myself," I said plainly.
"Flavus?" she said, looking at me in surprise.
"You know this man Ms. Acosta?"
"Yes, Ma'am he's a new student here, and he was under the care of Mr. Gray," she said.
"Very well then, follow me to his office, and I'll let him deal with both of you!"
We followed her. This guy wipes his nose with the handkerchief Ms. Acosta gave him while occasionally throwing sharp side glances at me.
Ms. Follon ordered us to sit in the waiting area as she knocked on the door. Moments later, she came back.
"You two get in there," she said, still with that grumpy face.
The other guy went in first. The moment he entered, I heard Mr. Gray recognize him immediately.
"It's you again, Mr. Morris. What is it this time?" I heard him say but he stopped and sighed when he saw me enter his office. I expected his reaction would be like this. I didn't expect him to look intently at me like he wanted to say something he wasn't supposed to.
His office was quite spacious, with only one window facing the university ground. I looked at his desk and saw piles of paper works and other sorts of things, and on the side, unlike the one in the principal's office, there is a rectangular wooden block with the name Griceo Condrado, Guidance Counsellor carved in it. His name is also weird, but not as odd as mine. The other things there are his bookshelf, another bookshelf under the window, and two chairs in front of the desk. Another chair was in the corner of the room near his coat rack. And behind him, sitting on another shelf, was a moving device that I don't know what it's called, but it caught my attention because of the ticking sound it made. The one that a clock makes, but it has an unusual rhythm.
He gestured us to sit as he sighed. I could sense something was bothering him before we came here, but that wasn't my concern.
"Flavus? Really on your second day?" he asked, but I didn't see the need to explain.
He paused and let out another sigh.
"Care to explain, Mr. Morris?" I glanced at him sharply but immediately turned when he did the same.
The room was filled with silence. The only sound I heard was the squeaking noise Mr. Gray's chair made when he moved.
"So, no one would really tell me, huh? In that case, I'll be giving you sanctions based on the student handbook. Both of you, fill out this form," he got the forms from his desk and handed them to us. I got it and filled out the fields with my name, program, and signature. When I was done, I glanced at my watch and saw that my class would start in fifteen minutes.
"Both of you need to come back here after your class today. You'll be in detention for two weeks."
"Two weeks?" I said. I didn't mean to raise my voice, but two weeks of detention for a violation I didn't start seems unfair.
"Yes, Flavus, in two weeks, every after class, you and Mr. Morris will have to do community service within the university and will personally monitor it," Mr. Gray said.
"But isn't unfair?" the guy next to me said. I honestly agreed.
"What's unfair is both of you behaving inappropriately within the university grounds and still not telling me what causes such behavior. So until you decide to settle things out. Both of you need to work with each other," he said, getting back each of our forms.
"I'll expect the two of you to be here at three in the afternoon, okay?" he said before we left.
"Okay, sir," Paul said. I saw his name when he handed the form
"Do I have a choice?" I asked.
"No, Flavus, this time, your only choice is to follow the school rules," he said, looking straight at me. Unlike yesterday, his eyes were sharp, but they seemed bothered. They looked like he was asking something, but the answers were not what he wanted to hear. Again, I left there in silence and rushed into my class. The professor was already there, but he was still prepping his presentations for today's class.
I glanced at my wristwatch again, and after fifteen minutes, I saw that the classroom was almost at its full. I hadn't had a class with him before, so I had no idea what it would be about.
"I guess you are the new student?" he said.
"Yes, sir," I responded.
"I am Mr. Glenn Arcadio but call me Mr. Glenn, and I'll be your Historiography professor. Please have a seat Mr..." he paused. I supposed waiting for me to tell him my name.
"Flavus sir. Falvus Kree De San Juan," I said.
"Okay, Mr. De San Juan, find a seat, and before you leave later, please give me your email address so that I can give you the lessons and activities you've missed," after that, he started the class.
I managed to somehow focus on the lesson and the class after that.
Throughout the lecture, my mind, as well as my eyes, wandered, I glanced at my watch again and saw it was time for me to return to Mr. Gray's office.
I hurried out of the class and went directly to his office. There I saw Paul. He was leaning leisurely against the bench outside, with his eyes closed. The bruises on his mouth seemed to be worse. It is slightly red and sore. But I couldn't care more because my jaw was also still throbbing. I had no intention of talking, so I walked past him, but he spoke.
"He's busy," he said, now looking at me.
I looked at the glass panel and saw that Mr. Gray was indeed busy, and it was still ten minutes before three, so I sat on the opposite end of the bench.
Paul stood up after ten minutes, but before he proceeded, he looked at me, so I stood as well and went inside.
"I admit, I was surprised that both of you are here," he said as he piled the papers above his desk. "C'mon, I'll show you your task for today."
We followed him as he walked out of the building and crossed the university field. It has been quite a while since we walked, but it's okay. I got a chance to see this part of the university. I glanced at Paul, but he was just walking, bored. We ascended in the elevator, and some students greeted Mr. Gray along the way.
The hallway on this floor was quite long, with rows of rooms starting one after another. Sensing that it was the right corridor, Mr. Gray turned left, and I followed him without saying anything while Paul was walking beside me.
We were now walking to the end of the corridor, towards one odd stair, and at the top of that, there were some wide doors made of rusty metals with two equally rusty handles. Mr. Gray opened the doors, and I saw we were on the rooftop. Unlike the one that I was in yesterday, it was untidy. It seems like no one has been here for a long time. But the breeze here is quite refreshing, maybe because of the trees from the other side of the university.
The three of us went out, and I saw a pile of supplies, including soil, tools, cans of paint, brushes, gates, wire cutters, watering cans, gardening tools, and other things used for gardening.
"I want you to turn this portion of the rooftop into a garden again," he said. As I looked around, I saw four rectangular concrete boxes with tall grass growing on them.
"Are you serious?" Paul asked.
"Yes, Mr. Morris. I'm dead serious and mind you, you're not just trying to turn it into a garden, but you also need to make sure that the plants there will grow. And if you fail, you'll have to start again until you make it beautiful," he said. "And apart from that, you're going to clean some other areas in the next two weeks, so if I were you, I would start now, right, Mr. De San Juan?" he turned to me, but I was exhausted from walking, so I just ignored him.
"Whatever," I responded and gathered tools I could use to trim and remove the grass.
"You can help each other carry the soil bags if you want," Mr. Gray said. Paul looked at me and eventually answered.
"No thanks," he said.
I ignored him. I just busied myself trying to remove the grass. I saw Mr. Gray intently observing me. His eyes were running all over me. He has that facial expression like he wants to say something, but he is conflicted. I ignored him again and went on with what I was doing.
I estimated that one hour had passed, and we took almost all the grass in the rectangular plots, so I decided to add the fresh, moist soil on top of the old one. Paul saw me and did the same.
"Wait for me here. I'll just get you something to drink," Mr. Gray said. And not waiting for an answer, he left the two of us. I continued to spread the fresh soil, and after that, I put the grass that I had removed in a garbage bag and threw it in the bin on the other side of the rooftop.
As I did this, my head began to throb a bit. It was tolerable, but the images from my dreams started flashing in my mind again. It was blinking gradually but forcefully. It kinda makes me dizzy that I need to hold at the railing to stabilize myself. From up here, I looked at the ground, and I saw how high I was situated. The half-body length railings were the only thing that separated me from the very edge. Suddenly I felt that I wanted to jump.
The next thing I knew, I was being dragged from the edge.
"Mr. De San Juan!" Mr. Gray shouted.
"What the fuck?" I said rudely.
"What are you doing? Are you out of your mind? Are you that stupid?" he shouted again, holding my collar tightly.
"I... I wasn't going to jump," I whispered.
"What?" Mr. Gray asked again. From the corner of my eyes, I saw Paul looking at me.
"I...I wanted to jump...I almost did... I almost let myself fall...but I..." I can't say it. I looked at the ground and unexpectedly said, "I wanted to jump," but I knew I didn't mean it. I'm not sure why I said it. But I suddenly felt so heavy that it was making me hard to breathe.
Mr. Gray sighed and loosened his grip.
"But why?" he asked, but I couldn't answer. I can't answer because I don't know the reason myself.
He let go of me, and I rushed out off the rooftop.
I went straight to the dorm and jumped on the bed.
In the blink of an eye, I pulled out all of my emotions as hard as I possibly could. I feel as if there was a lot inside me to let go of. But I didn't want to let them go. It's as if I kept all of this bottled up for a long time. The closer I got to the edge, the more it felt like I should jump. It's starting to scare me.
Then I cried. I can't control it. I fell asleep crying. Then found myself walking at the edge of a bridge. Barefooted in the middle of the night under the pouring rain. I looked down and saw the end. It looked like it was a sink. I tried to jump, but my body wouldn't react. It was like I was frozen. I stood there for a long time and felt cold. I tried to think of an escape and wanted to push myself, but nothing happened. It felt like I was suffocating, and I closed my eyes and felt warm hands holding me. I felt relieved in some way. Someone is with me now. I opened my eyes and saw Mr. Gray, but he didn't like how I knew him. He dressed differently. Even more relieved, I hugged him then I woke up.
The following day I looked at my schedule and saw that my class would be until three-thirty. I wanted to inform Mr. Gray about this, so I went straight into his office, but on my way there, I saw Paul in the distance. I was planning to ignore him, but he looked at me when we were just meters apart, enough to see him nodding at me. I'm unsure if it's actually a nod, so I snubbed it.
I was in front of Mr. Gray's office, and I could see him scribbling something on his desk, he seemed busy, so I left and went to my class.
Nothing was unusual, all of my classes today forced me to introduce myself, but one of them seemed very interested in new students like me. It is one of my electives. The professor named Mrs. Buenafina appears to be witted, maybe in her fifties. She doesn't only ask about my name and why it's that strange but also my love interest, my reasons for taking this class, things I want to achieve in my life, things that are important to me, dreams, favorite subject, my favorite movie, the one I want to watch on vacation, the one I want to watch in order to fall asleep, my future life story, my views on myself, on family, on school, on friends, on future, on marriage, on society, on the world and other stuff I refused to answer.
And out of all my subjects, her class is the most boring. She teaches psychology. I'm not judging her knowledge. In fact, she really is confident in what she is teaching, but it's her tone of voice. I can't stand it is boring, and she talks so slowly, but she doesn't even give you time to fully digest what she is saying.
She was too dull that I had to wonder myself to look out the window. Then it flashed again, not forced but voluntary. I think of why I dreamt of Mr. Gray again. And I remember how I trembled under his arms in the pouring rain.
The class finally ended with an assignment I didn't know how to do. I rushed to Mr. Gray's office. It was already three-thirty, and I was not expecting that he was still there, but I went there anyway.
To my surprise, he was still writing something, but he stood up, making me open the door.
"There you are, I was thinking that you ditched me," he said, smiling a little.
"My class ends at three-thirty. I'm sorry I haven't told you," I replied.
"What was that?"
"I said my class ends at three-thirty," I started to get annoyed.
"No, after that,"
"I said I'm sorry for not telling you,"
"Okay," Mr. Gray nods, "So, let's go. I have a special place for you to clean."
"But where is Paul?" I asked.
"He has basketball training today, so he did his part earlier than you," he explained as we walked down a familiar hallway. I was right. We are in the old storage room where we smoked the other day. Making me wonder if he wanted to smoke again.
"Why are we here?" I asked.
"We're not here to smoke if that's what you're thinking," I admit. I'm a little disappointed to hear that, but I don't want him to notice.
"I'm not thinking about that," I said plainly.
"I think we may start by sorting out the papers and then we can work out the boxes."
"We?"
"Yes, Why?"
"You're helping me?"
"Yes. Is there a problem?" he asked again.
"N... No."
"Okay then. We can get started if that's the case," he said while picking up the boxes with papers.
I came to think that I'd been rude since I met him. He's kind, I can say. Maybe because of his profession, he understood why people act as they are. Or perhaps it's because of his education why he is a good listener. Or maybe that's just his personality. I can't really say.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out suddenly.
"I told you it's okay. At least you showed up," he said. I believe he was talking about me showing up late.
"No. I mean I'm sorry about yesterday."
"Which one are you sorry for? Involving in a fight or for shouting at me when I was trying to stop you from jumping?" he snorts, but I know he means it.
"Both."
"Tell me, why did you fight?"
"I accidentally bumped into him. Making both of us stumble on the ground. A lot of students saw it and I think he was embarrassed that's why he punched me before I even apologized so I fought back," I explained.
"You young people are always so impulsive nowadays right?" Mr. Gray said.
"I don't know. Besides, how old are you, sir?" I asked in return because he is quite young based on his looks.
"Did you just call me sir?" he asked again.
"Hmmm yes. I mean, isn't that what I supposed to call you?"
"I don't know. It's just funny because I think it was the first time you actually called me that," he said. It's true, though. I have called him Mr. Gray and not sir all this time.
"Don't you want it?"
"No. It's fine. Calling me sir is fine, and to answer your question, I'm 25 years old." I'm 22, so he is three years older than me.
"Aren't you very young to be the guidance counselor?" I asked.
"Yeah, but I like it. And I'm really thankful that the school gave me this opportunity," he replied.
"May I know why?"
"Maybe because I like talking to people. It was like I am being invited into their own world."
"Wierd," I whispered.
"Did you just say I'm weird?" he asked seriously.
"No. I mean, yes... But not in a bad way," I said, and he replied with a laugh.
We then continue to clean the room by throwing rubbish in the bin and sorting out the boxes. And I remembered that I hadn't thanked him for pulling me away on the rooftop's edge.
"Thank you," I said.
"For what?" he asked, not looking at me.
"For not letting me jump," I said.
"Can we talk about it? Why do you want to jump?"
"Can we not? At least not now?"
"Yes, sure. But I wanted you to know that my office is always open," he said, this time looking brightly at me.
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Yes, of course," Mr. Gray said, picking up a small box on the floor.
"How do you handle it?"
"Handle what?"
"Those things. If somebody opens up themselves to you," I said. "You seem to be so light and relaxed but I know that you've heard so many strange stories and experiences shared with you, so how do you handle that?"
"I don't know how I would answer that. Let's just say that, this is the thing that I really want and it's more than just a job. It is a commitment. And I handle everything, just like the same as what we are doing," he said and then pointed out the box I was holding. "I put it in a box. Their thoughts, their problems even their most hidden secrets no one knew about and when the time comes that that box becomes full, I closed it and hid it deep in my thought. It just stayed there, waiting to be opened again when the right time comes."
I can't understand him. I believe the only one who can understand him is a psychologist like him. I wanted him to explain more, but I just let it be that.
"But isn't it hard, carrying all those and not being able to share it with anyone."
"You know, some things are not supposed to be shared. Sometimes it's just needed to be experienced, and when you do, you learn. I have learned so many things in every conversation I had. Especially on students like you," as he said it, I saw the thing that terrifies me. Mr. Gray noticed it and asked.
"Why?" I asked.
"There's... There's a cockroach on your shoulder," I pointed out on his shoulder
"You mean this?" he picked it up with his hand making me take a step back.
"Yes... yes. That sir. But please don't come near me. Please," I begged. The thing that terrifies me the most is a cockroach, more so, a flying one.
"Okay. Okay," he said, laughing. "I didn't know you're that afraid of a cockroach."
"It's just, their feet are hairy and they fly in a very unexpected direction, the next thing you knew is it's already on your head. That freaks me out." he flicked it out and put another box on the side of the room.
I was about to continue, but he said it was enough for today.
"Okay, I guess we can call it a day. Let's go."
I looked at my watch and saw that only one hour had passed, and we were not even halfway through cleaning the room.
"But, it's just one hour, and this isn't that clean."
"Yes, and we still have more than one week for you to do it. And besides, Paul only had one hour as well so I think it's fair that you also had one hour of community service today."
"Can we smoke?" I asked, but I didn't mean it.
"Nope. Absolutely not anymore. The cameras are fixed, so even if I wanted to, I can't," he said.
I nodded, and we began to head out of the room. Before we part. I guided him with my sight, and I'm confident he was really that man in my dreams.195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBoAjtMZ6G
