The deep blue sky overhead was dotted with stars like a giant hand had thrown billions of diamonds above the hovering dark clouds. Those billions of cosmic rocks are very bright, you can even blink, and you'd still be blinded. And the moon; it is dazzling, even though it is just borrowing its radiance from the sun, it too is glowing like a fireball but with a softer shine. It illuminates the towering trees beside the more towering buildings that I can see from here. The darkness of the night hides the melancholy I am feeling right now. But it cannot hinder me from hugging it.
It is my first time going here on the rooftop of the dorm. Even though it is miles away, the feeling of being able to see the view makes me feel the same as someone could be holding my hand right now. But I can't go too near the edge. I'm currently alone. It's understandable, though; who wanted to hang out on a rooftop at midnight anyways? I am afraid that I might have those episodes again where I suddenly want to jump because, this time, no one would be stopping me.
I take a few steps forward to see the edge closer. It is exhilarating. I can feel the wind pick up my hair, making them fly wildly. I shivered from the cold, but this feeling was pleasant anyways. And I feel a sense of freedom just from this breeze coming from the endless abyss. I look to the night light of the moon, occasionally hiding behind the clouds. To see if it can provide me with some light, just to find out I am completely surrounded by darkness.
The feeling seems somewhat familiar. Somehow I feel as if I have experienced this before.
"What are you doing here at this hour?" A man behind me suddenly spoke, making me nearly jump, and I turned around, full of surprise.
"Mr. Gray?" I asked, bewildered.
He laughed at me. "Are you just peeking at the view only to imagine what is out there that you cannot see in the distance?"
"What?" I asked again.
"I was watching you for a while but I'm not sure if it's you, so I have to make sure first."
I turned to face him, half smiling. "I don't know you also live here," I said.
"A lot of students and university staff dorms here," he replied.
"Yeah, I see. It's just I'm not expecting to see you here sir, especially at this hour."
He laughed again, trying to say something but the wind seemed to have cut off whatever he wanted to say.
"Why are you here sir?" I asked.
He walked towards the edge and looked at me.
"I don't know, I suddenly have this urge to go here," he said.
"It's getting colder lately," I said, tucking my hands in my pocket.
"Yeah," Mr. Gray said, gesturing for me to go near the edge. "You still don't answer my question. Why are you here?"
"This is actually my first time coming here," I said. "This place is peaceful," I said, making him look at me with no response.
"It has this very calming atmosphere," he continued.
"I came here because I can't sleep," I said.
"Why?" he asked.
"You're a psychologist right?"
"Yes, why do you ask?"
"Is it weird to have very vivid dreams?"
He looked at me and paused for a second. "There are so many things one could dream of, it is normal. Sometimes I would even dream of jumping off the building, it's the subconscious, yes I think it's weird but it's not wrong."
"Even if it's something like seeing someone that you haven't met yet?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I think I may have dreamt of someone, I haven't met before," I explained.
"Well, dreams are part of our subconscious mind. We dream of a person, places, and experiences we have seen and gone through and it is impossible to create new faces in our dreams. So whoever is it that you're dreaming about, maybe you've seen him before and just forgot it."
"But it was so vivid, it's like I have lived another life, and it's like flashing all back in my dreams. Except it only shows the ending."
He turned to the side, meandering his arms. "Do you want to talk about it?" he said.
"I've always had this dream that I'm under the water, drowning," I started.
His eyes widened, suddenly changing expression. I can see that he was surprised.
"You mean you are drowning or you're watching someone drown?" he asked.
"I am the one drowning, but..." I stopped. I can't say it now. I left half of it in my head. I don't think it's normal to say that I've dreamt of him even before we met. "Yeah, that's it. I'm the one drowning. And it is the same over and over again. Sometimes every other night but more often every time I sleep. And I wake up almost wheezing because I felt it so real."
Suddenly, silence came upon us like an omen of horrible events. The moon had hidden entirely behind the dark patches of clouds, but the stars were still very bright. The silent air rustles the tall trees. He must have noticed that I'm not telling him everything.
"When did it start to happen?" He finally talked.
"I don't know actually. One day I just came to realize that I'm having that same dream and the more I think of it the more it becomes detailed and vivid. As if I have lived it before, the only thing is I haven't." I said.
All I could hear again was silence, and suddenly I felt his stare. I looked back at him. Just like in that dream, he's looking at me - stern but soft. And the one thing that caught my attention was his eyes. They were so dark and so bright at the same time, like black holes in space. But unlike black holes, it shines. It's almost like there is a whole new story he wanted to tell. Like the look that says, 'I know you, I know your secret.' Like he was waiting for me to tell him.
"Y'want one?" he asked, handing me a cigarette.
"Can we smoke here?" I said while I got one.
"No, but. Common, what time is it? It's almost dawn, no one would, and besides, the guards will let me through every time." He pulled out a yellow lighter and lit his cigarette. The light of the light shines brightly upon his face.
"That's my lighter isn't it?" I asked.
"Yes, do you want it back?"
"No, you can keep it," then I smelled the aroma as he blew a huge puff of smoke that the wind carried in my direction. It's the same one I smelled the other night, the one from the man on another unit.
"So it's you then," I said.
"What?"
"Last night, probably two to three o'clock in the morning, that's you who's on the terrace right?"
"How did you know that's me?"
"I've smelled your cigarette that night. I'm also at my terrace."
"Oh," he smirked. "Well yeah, it may be me."
"So why are you there at that hour?" I asked.
"Maybe the same reason as yours," he said, letting out another puff of smoke, then continued. "I can't sleep," he muttered with a sigh.
"Seriously?"
"Yes," he answered. He seems to be a very open person. It makes me a little guilty not telling him about my dreams. "Smoking helps me organize my thoughts and makes me calm," he added.
"But I guess the reason for that isn't the same," I said, believing that what troubles him wasn't a weird dream like mine.
"Aren't you gonna light yours?" he asked, completely ignoring my question.
"Hmmm, nope. I'm gonna save it for later."
"Okay," he said, taking one last puff from it and throwing it in the bin. "And I think you're right. Maybe my reason is not as strange as yours," he turned and started walking towards the staircase. "I think I'm gonna go back. It's getting chilly," then he smiled and walked down.
I felt we were in a very intense conversation like we had been friends for a long time. But again, I just met him four days ago. But somehow, I felt he knew me like he could see what was inside my head.
I followed him to the staircase and went straight to the elevator. There I instantly felt the temperature change; it was warmer than outside. "Same floor, I guess?" he asked.
"Yes sir, seventh."
He presses the button, and as he does this, I can still smell the soft but sweet aroma of the cigarette he has just taken. It's like I wanted to get used to this smell, but I'm shy to ask what brand it is.
The elevator beeps, and the door opens up. Mr. Gray went out first, but I followed in an instant.
"So, this is where I'll be," he said, pointing out at the door numbered 709. "See you tomorrow."
"Okay, sir. Good night," I said, then headed to my unit. Room number 711.
I entered the room and saw that it was already sixteen minutes past one in the morning, but I felt tired that I thought I would be able to sleep until the next day.
#
The following days were just as normal as the others, I took my class and went on detention with Mr. Gray and Paul, but this time he didn't join us. He just handed me the bag of seeds and told me to look for Paul.
"Make sure that these seeds will grow and produce flowers okay?" he said.
"Did he have training again?" I asked.
"Who?"
"Paul."
"No, I got a copy of his training schedule from his coach and he doesn't have one now," he said.
"So, I'll be waiting for him then?" I suggested.
"I think it's better if you just find him."
"What? No," I said a little loud, making him look at me.
"I guess it's time that you sort things out," he said.
"Why?"
"Because you need each other to finish that last task, which is to grow those plants and revive that garden."
"But where would I find him? The university is so huge."
"College of Engineering, he's taking Geodetic engineering," after he said that. He dismissed me. Leaving me no choice but to find Paul.
I walked across the field towards the engineering building, hoping to finally find him because walking here was really awkward. I kept looking at every room I passed, but he wasn't there. I did several laps around the building but to no avail, so instead of wasting time to find him decided to go to the rooftop where the garden is. "He might have ditched today's detention," I supposed, but I did it louder.
"Are you looking for me?" a loud mocking voice said.
I turned around and saw Paul. He was standing behind me, wearing a white shirt and an unzipped hoodie.
"Yes, Mr. Gray wanted us to plant this," I said, showing him the bag of seeds.
"Fine let's go," he said casually, making me confused about why he was acting like we're friends.
He got the seeds in my hand and walked towards the rooftop where the garden is.
I followed him up there. When we arrived, I noticed that small grasses were sprouting in the plot we made another day, so I plucked them out one by one.
"Is he mad?" he asks out of nowhere. Whenever we did detention, he never talked to me. Made me confused about why he suddenly wanted a chit-chat.
I didn't respond. I just continued weeding the rest of the rectangular plot.
"Hey, Flavus?" he called. I looked at him, making sure that it was me he was talking to, even though we were the only ones who were there.
"Are you talking to me?"
"Yes, of course, who else can it be?" he said matter of factly.
"But you never talked to me before, and besides, you punched me in the face remember?" I respond.
"Because you bumped into me and spilled my drink in my shirt."
"I didn't mean it. I didn't see you there because I was thinking about something."
"You know what, let's just forget it. You broke my nose and have it sore for almost a week, so I guess we're even," he said, suddenly becoming friendly.
"What was that supposed to mean?" I asked.
"Do you really want to hear it? Okay then. I'm sorry that I punched you in the face."
What really got into this man? The last time he was dead mad at me, then he was pretending that I didn't exist, but now he's saying sorry? What was he thinking?
"You're weird," I said.
"Yeah, I get that a lot," I looked him in the eye. He looked away instantly. He seems troubled saying it.
"Why?" I asked.
"I don't know. Maybe because of my mood swings. Sometimes I easily get mad, but sometimes I feel like being friendly," he said, opening the bag of seeds Mr. Gray gave us.
"What kind of plant is this, by the way?" he asked me, but I had no idea.
"No idea, I forgot to ask," I said. "Give me some I'll do this end and you do the other," I added.
"Okay," he said, pouring some into his hands and handing me the bag.
I noticed that he tried digging the garden soil with his bare hand, but it was a little challenging.
"Hey, use this so..."
"So my hands won't get hurt? Aww, that's so sweet," he said, trying to pitch his voice.
"What? No, use this trowel so that the seed will be planted well."
It makes me think that I prefer the silent him. On second thought, it is better. I got to divert my mind from thinking about that dream again. In fact, I can't recall if I'd dreamt of that the previous nights.
"Okay," he said with a teasing smile that I completely ignored.
"What program are you taking by the way?" he asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Guess."
He looked at me for a few seconds and smiled.
"You looked like an architecture student. But you don't carry those huge papers on your back when you bumped into me, so I guess that's off the list," he said, still scanning me. "Hmm. You're an accounting major, right?"
"Yeah. Maybe, except that I take AB in History," I said, digging and planting three pieces of seeds in each hole.
"History? Really," he said in disbelief.
"Why?"
"I don't know, Isn't it tough, studying the past."
"Yeah. It is," I said plainly. "What about you what program are you taking?" I asked even though I already knew it.
"Why don't you guess as well?"
"Engineering," I said.
"What kind?"
"Geodetic, I guess."
"Nah. You cheated, Mr. Gray told you doesn't he?" he said.
"No, I just guessed."
"I don't believe you."
We planted a row in a matter of ten minutes, and when we were done, I looked at my watch, and it's telling me that it was almost time to go.
"We have to hurry up," I said.
"Why?" he asked, looking into his watch.
"It's almost five, the detention our detention for today is over," I said.
"Yeah, I know but we still need to water the seed right?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot," I walked towards the water hose near the rooftop's edge, but I stopped. I looked back at Paul, who was watching me.
"I'll do it," he said, rushing to the hose and turning it on.
As he watered the plot with a light mist, he asked me.
"Why did you do it?"
"What?" I asked, even though I knew what he was talking about
"That... On our first day of detention here?" It took a while for me to answer as I watched the garden gets wet with water sprayed by him. I knew what he was talking about.
"I don't know, it just happens," I said.
"You're weird too," he said, looking at the garden as well.
"I guess we can say that. But let me ask you this, you are the one who's near me, that time, why didn't you pull me when you saw me?" I asked.
"I don't know. Maybe I'm sure you're really not going to jump," he responds. "Okay, I think we're done here," he said, turning off the water.
"Shall we go?" I said.
"Nah, you may go first. Think I'll have to stay here for a while."
"But why? It's almost sunset, see?" I pointed out the orange sky, but he was already awed by it. I could see it on his face as it showered on the glow of the sunset.
"I know, that's why I wanted to be here at least until it completely sets," he said. "It's beautiful isn't it?"
I looked at it and saw the sun's orange glare almost painted on the billowing clouds.
"Yes, it's pretty. I didn't know you have a such fascination with sunset." I said.
"I don't... Before," he said softly.
"Before?" I said, trying to make sure I heard it right.
"Yes, before I met a person named after the sunset. But he's weirder than me."
"A person named after the sunset can be weird," I said. "But where is this person now?"
"He graduated and I think left the Philippines for good."
"He?" I asked, not sure if it was okay to ask.
"Yes, he," he said, looking at me with a hopeful but despondent smile. He may look good in the orange sunset, but his eyes can't lie.
"That's interesting," I said.
"Did you two break up?"
"We don't, it's just things did not go the way we wanted and I became so afraid to swim against the current," he said. "But we've sorted everything out before they graduate."
"How does it turns out for him?"
"I think for him, it turned out good. He continued his life and I believe he's happy now."
"But how about you?" I asked, turning to him.
"I don't know," he said, taking a deep breath. "After we had that conflict, I transferred out without even trying to explain to him why I did that. I was an asshole at that time. And here I am again, going back to this university, hoping that I will be able to fix myself. But I guess I can't," he added.
"I think you need to fully forgive yourself before you do that," I said, not looking at him.
"Hhhmm, I guess I share too much on our first conversation huh?" he chuckles.
I just nod at him.
"Have you ever felt it?" he asked out of the blue.
"Felt what?"
"That feeling when it's like you're experiencing again the things you've already experienced."
"That is called Deja Vu," a startling voice from behind us said, like a familiar voice, as he stepped into view.
It is Mr. Gray. In his hand are two orange-colored drinks.
"I thought you two have gone home," he said smiling.
"No sir, we're about to, but decided to stay for a while," Paul said.
Mr. Gray handed us the drinks. "Here, I bet you're exhausted," he said, looking at the wet rectangular plots.
"Thanks," I said, grabbing the drink.
"So, you two sort everything out?" he said, looking at Paul and me alternately.
"I guess so," Paul said, and I just nodded.
"Good, that's good." Mr. Gray said, smiling at us.
"So what was it that you were saying sir, Deja what?" Paul asked.
"Deja vu, it's just like what you've said. When you seem to experience a present thing for the second time," he explained.
"Is it normal?" I asked.
"Of course, but there hasn't been a strong scientific explanation why we experienced it but it's normal."
"So it's like predicting the future?" Paul stupidly asked. It almost made me smile.
"No, Paul. You see, the part of the brain that lets us store the experiences and the one that interprets them is not the same. They work separately. And sometimes, the one responsible for interpreting the current experience becomes exhausted, resulting in a little delay in interpreting what is happening. That's why it seems like we have already experienced things." Still, the more he explains, the more Paul becomes confused.
"But don't try to understand it so seriously. It's just one of the theories," he added after noticing Paul's confused face.
Paul nods and fakes a laugh.
"So, I'll see you two tomorrow then?" Mr. Gray said.
"Sure," Paul and I said almost at the same time.
Mr. Gray then left us as we finished the drink he gave us.
"So shall we go then as well?" I asked Paul, who was back looking at the sunset.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDvwFN8msub
