I can never be wrong about the smell of my cigarette. I have smoked this brand since I was in high school, and as I watch the sun go down, with a cigarette in between my fingers, I can't prevent myself from looking in the direction of Flavus' dorm. And there he was. Shirtless, the wind carried the smoke of the cigarette I gave him and greeted me, making me want to call him.
I don't think he knew that I was watching him because he seemed to be thinking about something. He was focused on smoking steadily, the smoke going into the thick blue air. The more I saw that, the more I wanted to call him and ask him to smoke with me. I suddenly feel so lonely. The next thing I knew, I was trying to dial his phone number without thinking about how strange of a situation this was. I saw him enter his room, and seconds later, I heard his voice over my phone.
"Mr. Gray? What's up? Why did you call?" he said casually as he went back and looked at me from his terrace. Maybe it took me almost five seconds before I could respond with the most pathetic excuse I could imagine. "Hey, nothing in particular. It's just I smelled my cigarette a while ago, making me light one as well. It's you, right?" the embarrassment makes me cringe so much that all I can do is hit a huge puff of smoke, causing me to cough a little. Good thing the sun has set, and I'm sure he can't see the bitterness on my face right now.
"Oh, yeah. I think that was me," he said.
"By the way, how's your practice?"
"What do you mean Sir,? What practice?"
"The harp, for the talent's night, what else could it be?" this is me trying to open up a conversation with him. I don't know why but that's what I did.
"Oh, about that. I don't think I can join Sir," there was a feeling of disappointment when I heard it.
"Huh.? Why? I asked.
"The harp, it hasn't been used in a long time, and when I played a while ago --," then there was this tooting sound. I looked at Flavus' terrace, and there he was, as confused as I am. So I hit one last puff of smoke and decided to went to his unit so that we could discuss what happened with the harp.
I knocked on his door, and in a split second, it flung open, making me think that he was about to went outside as well. He stands there, still shirtless, with his feet bare, one hand holding onto the door to his unit and the other one holding up his phone. He looks at me, and then he looks at the phone. And then, he looks at me again, then at the phone again.
"What happened?"
"Oh! I'm sorry my phone died Sir," he replied.
"No I mean with the harp," it seems like he was being awkward and silly.
"Ah, one of the strings got broken and I can't find any store that sells harp strings so I guess it's the universe's way of telling me not to join," he reasoned out, which I know is his way of avoiding joining the talent's night.
"Can I see it?" I offered. I thought he would refuse, but he immediately brought the harp. It was massive, almost more than a meter tall. Even if I don't have any knowledge of musical instruments, I can still see that Flavus isn't lying. There were indeed broken strings.
"Mr. Gonzo of the music club may know someone who sells this kind of strings. If we fix the harp, will you promise me that you'll join?" I offered. It looks like he was hesitating at first, but he did agree.
"O... okay,"
I called Mr. Gonzo, the director of the music club, to ask about shops or stalls that may happen to sell harp strings, and I'm lucky that he did know one shop, but it is about two towns far and almost more than an hour's drive.
Flavus went out of his room, now wearing a casual white shirt and jeans.
"Are you free tonight?" I ask him as I browse google maps for the direction of the shop. It took him a while before he could answer. Maybe he was still hesitating to join.
"Flavus?"
"Ah... Y..yes Sir. Yes. What is it again?" he said, almost stuttering.
"I mean are you free tonight? I asked Mr. Gonzo if he knew where we can find harp strings and he sent me the location where the music club gets theirs so... Are you in? You wanna fix your harp?"
"Ah, that. Yes sure. I'm in," he said. I then pulled out another pack of my cigarette and gave it to him.
"Here, I also bought more of that cigarette I gave you earlier, I'll be waiting for you in the lobby I'll just get my jacket."
As I went back to get my jacket, I thought of how weird it is that I smoke with my student. But I'm just trying to help him adjust. Besides, the principal left him in my care. I reasoned to myself, trying to ease this weird feeling.
As I went down to the lobby, I saw him already there, in that same attire; a white shirt and jeans making me smile inwardly.
"How about we take my car?" I offered. But before we went, I had the urge to light another cigarette, so I took one out and handed him one. He just looked at me for a while and got one.
"Since you're giving me these you might as well give me a light," he said.
"I brought my lighter though," I replied and lit his cigarette. After about a minute, the parking lot was filled with the smell of my favorite brand of cigarette.
"Where did you find it, Sir?" Flavus asked while leaning at the edge of my car.
"It was two towns from here almost an hour ride without heavy traffic."
"No. I mean this," he said, pointing at the cigarette.
"Oh, why do you ask?" I asked. I was confused as to why he suddenly became interested in my cigarette.
"Nothing sir, never mind," he said. I just smiled and went inside the car, and Flavus followed after he finished his cigarette.
As I drive, I casually take a glance at him in the mirror. I thought he had noticed it, so I decided to ask him what was really on my mind.
"So, what are you going to play at the talent's night?"
"Hmmm. I'm not sure Sir, I still don't have any piece and besides, we are still not sure if there is a harp string on that shop."
"That's okay. There's still one week before the talent's night. You can still practice."
"Yes, that's right, sir," He said, then looked at me. "Can I ask you a question, sir?"
I just focused on the road as he was still looking at me.
"Remember when I said that I always dreamt of a particular scene," he said. I had almost forgotten about those dreams, maybe because they didn't happen to me anymore.
"Yes, I remember. What about that now?" I asked.
"I... When I was young, my mom teach me how to play the harp. And she teaches me this particular piece that she always plays. She plays it every time. It was not hard for me to learn the piece. At that time, it was just fine and ordinary to me, but I was happy and light whenever I played it with her," I am still focused on driving, but I think I know where this story would go, and I admit, I am not surprised.
"But a while ago. When I was trying to play it again. It seems like I was dreaming again but of a different scene. And just like the other one, it felt so real. So real that I can imagine the cold and fresh breeze of the ricefield lingering around me," he continued. I know how he might felt about that because that's what I feel when my dreams start to become more and more vivid, so I asked, "are you afraid?"
"I don't think so. I mean, I felt light and fuzzy that time. I think being afraid is maybe the last thing I should feel that time," he answered.
I don't know what I should tell him at that time, making me sound like an idiot saying the last thing even I do not want to hear.
"Then maybe it's your subconscious mind telling you that playing the harp may actually help you in dealing with what you're experiencing right now. I don't think it is a bad thing," I said plainly. He kept looking at me with a confused and disappointed face, but I just left my comment like that. The whole ride took more than an hour, but it was silent because none of us talked after that.
"I think we're here," I said as we reached the destination. I then turn to look at him. He was still looking disappointed and confused the whole time. I tap his shoulder, making him look at me. He just nodded and went out of the car.
"Good thing it's still open," I said, trying to open up another conversation, but his response was again a simple nod.
As we went inside the shop, we noticed that the shop was actually a music store, not just a music store, but a full-fledged music store with lots of music equipment and music books. Some people just came in and out carrying music books or instruments with them.
A few people sit quietly along the aisle and read some music books or try some instruments. A woman was working at the nearby desk, taking orders and keeping records of the orders.
"Maybe we should just ask them," Flavus said coldly as we walked towards the woman sitting at the desk.
"Good evening. Do you sell harp strings here?" I asked the lady. The lady just looked at us, startled, and said, "yes, Sir, we do. May I ask what kind of harp string you need?" I looked at Flavus with a casual face, waiting for his response. He looked at me and suddenly said, "I don't know... I don't know, Sir."
The lady then noticed our awkwardness and asked us again, "alright sir, maybe you have a picture of the harp so that we can point out which string is missing?" she said.
"Do you have a picture of the harp Flavus?" he didn't respond. He just pulled out his phone and scrolled for about a minute. He looked at me and then back to his phone. I knew something was bothering him again, so I moved closer to him to see the picture. It was a picture of his mother, his brother, and him. I remembered it because of the portrait in his dorm. His mother was holding the same harp. The only difference is that it has a broken string now. He handed me his phone without saying anything.
He just blew a deep breath. I looked at the picture again, then at him, then at the lady, and I finally said, "this is enough, I think."
The lady took a look at the picture and smiled.
"Ah, pedal harp," she said. "Which string do you need?" she asked again.
"I think it's the third one," I said as I pointed at the bare string, I said looking at Flavus, who seemed to be thinking about something. "Am I right, Flavus?" he looked at me and replied. "Maybe we can just get all of the strings. Some of them might be rusty as well," I just nod and then turn to the lady.
"We will get all the strings for this harp, please."
She went back to her desk and started looking for the order forms. She filled out the forms and told us that there would be a total of 47 strings.
As we went back to the car, I asked him if we were done here. He just nodded and excused himself, saying he needed some time to think. So I just drove back to his dorm. I didn't want to ask him anything, so I just focused on the road while wondering why is he acting like this.
I didn't expect the trip way back to be like this. The traffic becomes so heavy because the train passing through the road reduces the lanes on both sides. And there are few accidents on the road, making it even worse. Some people just showed the rage they had while they were shouting and beating the vehicles. And on my side was a young adult trying to make sense of what was happening by making the ends of his two eyebrows meet, and in between those attempts are contented sighs.
"Is it about the dream?" I finally asked. Making his head turn to me in a snap.
"What?" I can't deny that annoyance is what is in his mind right now.
"What's bothering you?"
"Nothing, I don't know," he said plainly while looking past the window.
"You don't know or you just don't want to say?"
"I don't know. Maybe we can just leave it... Sir," he said, still not looking at me.
"Maybe -"
"Maybe we should go," he said. I looked at the front and saw that the traffic was finally moving. I had this feeling that I wanted to argue more with him, but I decided to just let it slip.
In more or less than an hour, we finally arrive at the dorm
"You sure you're okay?" I asked, still in the car as he was already out of it.
"Yes, Sir. Maybe I'm just tired. I better go inside now," he said, not waiting for another word from me.
I just watched him walk in as I turned off the car. I sat there for a while and decided to light up another cigarette, only to find out that I didn't have one because I had given it to Flavus. I glanced at the passenger seat and saw that he had left the strings we bought, so I went out of the car and went to Flavus' unit.
I knocked and waited, but there was no response from him, and his door was locked, unlike the usual. I knocked and waited again until I heard a click, but the door did not open. I turned the doorknob again, and it wasn't locked anymore, and I saw Flavus standing a few steps from the door.
"Hey, you left this on my car," I said, handing him the strings.
"Oh, thank you," he responded.
I wasn't planning to stay due to how he was acting a while ago, so I decided to leave, but he called me in a way I didn't expect.
"Gray," he said in a low and melancholic voice. I wasn't offended by him not calling me Mr. Gray or Sir. In fact, it gave me a sense of relief.
"Yes?" I responded. "Could I ask you to come in?" he said, sort of breaking his tone.
"Why?"
"I don't know how to put the strings. Can you help me?" he asked, looking down. I suddenly felt guilty for no apparent reason. In the back of my mind, I wanted to go to bed and just lay there thinking about what had happened throughout the day. I'm in these thoughts that I didn't notice I was zoning out. "But you don't have to... I'm just, you know... It might be easier," he said apologetically.
"No, yeah. Sure let's fix it so you can practice," we went inside his room, and I saw that nothing seemed to change since the last time I was here.
I saw the harp beside his bed. He got his laptop to search for instructions. It was almost five minutes before we can found a decent tutorial on youtube. He told me to sit beside him as we tried to put on the strings. I was silent for a while, watching him fix the harp. I felt guilty again and didn't know why... maybe it was the fact that he was just sitting there, and I don't think he was even thinking of what had happened. I wanted him to respond somehow, just something so that I could make him feel better.
"I think this is all of them," he said, strumming all the strings at once.
"I am not a musician, and I don't know anything about strings, but I don't think it was on the tune, does it?" I asked, smiling.
"Yes. It doesn't sound right but I'm too exhausted to tune it, for now, I'll just do it in the morning," he said after a yawn.
"So. I think I'll better go now. It's almost dawn," I suggested.
"Wanna smoke before you go?" he then said. "I usually wake up around times like this and smoking relaxes me." He continued.
I suddenly felt the dryness of my throat and the back of my tongue, but then I started to feel something good building up in me. I nodded and stood beside him as he took out the cigarette I had given him. We didn't speak too much, but we just sat there and looked at the far horizon outside. This scene and the aroma of the smoke also make me realize how blissful and peaceful twilight is. I admit I kinda miss having those vivid dreams of mine that keeps me awake at dawn.
Then I looked at Flavus, who, to my surprise, was staring at me for I don't know how long.
"..." I want to say something, but I can't figure out what. It was just the smoke between us, who were moving and lingering around.
"About what happened. Sir, I... I just wanted to thank you and say sorry about how I acted a while ago. It's just that I'm thinking so many things right now, and it makes me frustrated. I don't know what to do," he said so apologetically that it made me even more guilty and the smell of the smoke made me feel a sense of deja vu. Somehow this particular scene had happened to me before, but I can't remember when.
"I understand, and I also apologize if I haven't given you the answer you expected. I'm also confused on my own. I know it is not an excuse given my profession, but..." I paused midsentence, making him look at me. "but I think we should talk about it when we both feel ready to," I continued.
"I... I just need some time okay?"
"We both need some time," I reverted.
"Thank you, G- Mr. Gray," he said again.
"It's fine if you want to call me Gray outside the campus. I'm just a few years older than you," He smiled and nodded.
"So, I'm leaving, and I'll see you in the morning." I continued. "At least I'll see you at the first class," I said, laughing.
"All right. I'll see you in the morning then," he said with a smile as I went out of his room and returned to my unit.
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