Today was a rough day. Irene was off, today, which was unsettling. She's rarely off, always smiling, her skin porcelain and pristine. But today...she had a bruise, a few on her face, and she seemed rather sad...it was certainly odd. But Jonathan seemed unaffected, so..it was probably something he did. Though, winters are always rough. I like to joke that Irene's a summer child, she needs the sunlight to function, and she always agrees with me. It's like she shuts down without the sunlight, so everyone tries to keep her happy during the winter.
Winter will be over soon, I hope. It is January, yes, but...that doesn't necessarily mean it has to be winter. Winter is merely a season, a state of mind. Once the sun comes out, everything will be better. It needs to be, it's so dreadfully cold with the sun barely coming out..the house all by itself is cold, but without the sun, it's freezing. Irene wears layers and layers, though I often don't...I'm used to the cold, France was always cold. Meanwhile, all Irene remembers growing up in is warm, sunny America. I remember France as though I lived there all my life, as though if I didn't come over here...
It's a Thursday, which means it is cards night. I've never been good at cards, though Irene's always mocked me for that. She's amazing, though she does cheat at cards quite a bit...however, so does everyone else. No purpose in not cheating, if everyone in the room is quite criminal. I mostly sit and watch, Irene's little pet is what they call me. It's a nickname in and of itself, an unfortunate one, yes, but I like it. She's older than me, by only a few years, and certainly gives orders as though she is the master of the house. But she's got weaknesses too, everyone does. She plays a flute, sometimes, at night. She's an amazing player, really, but she's never really believed that...Anna and I used to sit with her, listen to her play...whenever Jonathan was off on a trip, we'd have tea in the parlor, and she'd play. It was one of the few times I ever saw Anna smile. But now Anna is dead, and Irene leads a gang, and I help her. It's a weird rhythm that we've settled into, but...it fits. Which is good...it's not like we have a choice. Even if any of us wanted to, we could never leave...Irene especially. Born into this life, with no way out..I pity her, some days. She could've done so much more...
The girl's made of steel, unbreakable. I feel as though I am made of glass, some days, as if I will break if I am merely touched. One is strong, the other a close follower. One always follows the other. I will never be unbreakable, I shatter with a single look.
I will never be stronger than glass, I will always be the one that breaks first. I have tried, desperately, through the nights and days that I have been here, to strengthen, to gain some semblance of power. It has always failed, and I have always awoken in the morning feeling weaker than I was before.
I don't know if that is how I am destined to be. I mean, look at Irene. She's strong, powerful. But..she's told me about when she wasn't. When she was 16, or so. Things like that...but I am 24, not a child, and I am supposed to be strong.
I am not strong, I fear. Being strong is not for girls like me. But..what is?
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