Today marks the second day of our trying to find Irene. Today, Meredith asked me what love felt like.
I didn't know how to answer them, at first. Love? I have no idea what that would feel like..but then I remember the good days with Irene. With Harry, even. The days in the sun, holding hands..
Love is undescribable. I wish I had written it down, somewhere, so I would know how I had felt, when I had felt it. What had made me feel it.
I answered Meredith with that I didn't know.
They then asked about how, if I didn't know what love felt like, then why was I so convinced Irene loved me?
I answered again that I did not know.
I know Irene loves me. I know she does, she has to. I wouldn't be looking for her if I didn't know she did. I want her, I want to kiss her, I want to be in love with her. So much of me wants to love her, with every cell in my body.
What..what if I love her and she doesn't love me? That would be just my luck. That would be what would happen to me. I would go to her, I would confess everything to her.
And she would laugh. She would laugh, and say I was ridiculous, and stupid..and she'd kill me. Meredith, at least, she'd kill Meredith...she always talked about how much she hated reporters. And Meredith is a crime reporter! She's the epitome of what Irene hates.
I need love. And I'll say it, I'll shout it from the rooftops. I need love. I, Josephine Banfield, need love. I need love so desperately that without it, I can feel my own heart shattering. I am a human being, as much as I would like to disagree. I am a human, I need love, I need someone to love me until they have consumed so much of my soul that I don't know who I am without them.
It is strange to say that, I believe. I do not know how to love, and yet, I feel as though I need it. I do not know the right way. All I know is the wrong way, wrong, wrong, wrong. I am wrong, no part of me is right. I do not know how to fix it. I do not know how to fix myself.
I am wrong. I do not have a way to fix it. This is a fault. Faults are bad.
I am a fault.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
