Meredith wants to come with me. I don't know what to tell them. It isn't safe, hell, even me going on this is risky. But they'll do anything for a story, so they decided to go along. It's scary, how they want to. I couldn't win in an argument against them. So they're coming along with me, much to my dismay.
I figure it'll be good to have backup. As untrained as this backup is, if I run into anyone that will wish me harm..it's better than having no one and nothing. We each have a pistol, which will hopefully keep us safe..they'll do nothing against the machine guns I know Lizzie and Irene have. But, if we're lucky, we won't have to deal with them..
I just need to talk to Irene. That's it. That's all I need to do, all I want to do. Talk to her. Make sure she's okay.
Ask her if she still loves me, even after all the horrible things I've done.
I pray this works. That I won't go home injured. Or that I won't go home at all...
I haven't really considered that possibility. She could kill me. Any of them could kill me. Hell, I've helped Irene kill people before, what would stop her from putting me at the same fate? And she'd kill Meredith. Meredith, innocent Meredith, who just wants to meet their hero..who just wants a story.
I don't know if I should bring them. I need to, I said I would, I promised to them that I would bring them to meet Irene Calla-Irene Kelly. The woman who, according to public records, doesn't exist. There's no birth certificate, the only record of her that exists is her marriage certificate. Without that..she is nothing but a ghost.
She told me, once, before all of this happened, that she wanted to be a ghost. She wanted to not exist, to not have anyone know she existed. To be able to travel as though you do not exist must be a glorious thing. To not have expectations hanging over your head, to be anything you wanted to be. To not have society lingering over your head, all that pressure to be the perfect spouse, to be the perfect little girl you were raised to be. To travel as you please, to do whatever you want, because it's not like you have a name.
To be a ghost must be a terrible, wonderful thing, but I doubt I will ever be able to share that fate. I would never be a ghost, it would hurt them all so badly..
So I cannot be a ghost. I cannot disappear as one wants to. But I will live. I'll be fine. I must, after all. I do not have another way.
ns 15.158.61.48da2
