2/14/23
Another long two weeks. New people, yes, but there always seems to be more new people. I reckon some of them will be dead by the end of the month. You can't very well leave once you've joined a gang, so it's either deeper in or dead. One of the mottos Lizzie and I both keep, that we can both agree on. Deeper in, or dead. Marietta and Bessie agree with it too, considering that's what they've been following. Marietta is a loyal one, and Bessie..Bessie is exactly the kind of snake I would have expected Lizzie to keep as her right hand man. That gang, that group, is full of snakes, and it is exactly what everyone pegs Lizzie for. Not a fool, no, but a snake. Not the biblical kind, either, no. The kind that is full of venom, and tracks the victim before making the blow. The kind that kills without mercy, without sense. The kind that would kill an innocent girl without caring. Speaking of innocent-though one Josephine Banfield is not as innocent as she may seem, in my opinon..-girls..
Josephine never sent a letter back. It is to be expected, yes, in fact I didn't want her to. But..there is some part of me, knowing how stubborn she was, and how she still is, that wishes she would have tried to. It is not that I miss her. I just..wish she could come back. So I could see her again. So we could run away together.
Not..not that she would want to. I wouldn't expect her to, she..she just seemed like she would run away with me. If I asked..if I asked I wish she would stay with me. Just the two of us, plus maybe Thomas..no husbands, no people to get in our way, no people to stop us from taking what should be ours. I wish to shower her in gold, in jewels..in books. Knowledge, or rather, words, are some of the most valuable gifts. And they can never be taken away.
So I would like to shower her in words. Words of how I love her, how I should like to kiss her, how..how I miss her so much my heart feels like it will beat right out of my chest, when I think ahout her. When I think about her, I believe the most ridiculous things. That I could love her, that she loved me. That we could have a life together, no one else, just us and Thomas and the world at our fingers. No one to control us, no one to command us.
But that's not how the world works, no. The world doesn't bend to the silly fantasies of a girl trapped inside her own mind and a girl who's a woman in a man's job. The world is hard, and cruel, and unfair. The world is a rather terrible place, I must assume.
The world loves women like Cora. They say she radiates sex, that she's everything a woman should be. Unmarried, yeah, but she's pretty, and isn't that everything that matters? To men, maybe, but women scorn her. And yet she raises herself up above everyone. She has that power, and I have power too, I guess. I don't use that power how she does. She is all about power, and I..I don't even know what I really want in life.
Life is ever changing for me, and I don't think I will ever really know what I want in it. I just know I want to get the hell out of here. To get out of here, to start a new life..that would be magic. But magic isn't real, it never has been, and I had to learn that at too young of an age. Magic died on decayed fairy wings. This is real, and fairytales are just a thing of fantasy.
I want out of here. I need to get the hell out of here, no matter the cost. I need to leave, to go home, wherever that may be. This place was not made for the people like me. This place was made for people like Lizzie, who love the city, who love the monotone colours and the feeling of death that seems to follow each step. This place wasn't made for me, and there is something so obvious about it. I stick out, in this city, and it's obvious.
The only problem is that I have no other place to go. I have to stay here, because I don't have another home to go to. I barely know what exists beyond this city, and yet I still want to leave and explore.
I think there's something wrong with me. There must be.
Well, tonight we all know what I'll dream of. Saying goodnight for now,
Irene Aria Calla.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
