I was this close! This close to finding Irene Calla's plans, to being able to figure out what her next move was going to be. I need to find those plans, however hard it is. I need them, they will help me. They will help me move up in the world, and they will make sure that Irene doesn't hurt anyone else, ever again.
But then there's the matter of Lizzie. Stupid bitch, she believes any lie that I tell her. Just cause it comes out of my mouth doesn't make it true, although she seems to think that. She'd give me the moon, if she was able to. She doesn't do love, so any chance of her liking me, loving me for my exterior, is zero. If she knew how I am on the inside, if she knew who I really was, instead of this act I am forced to play, she'd have killed me.
She would have killed me and I wouldn't have had a problem with that, I don't think. I was going to die anyway, once word got out. The gang would string me up, or shoot me. Both were two easy ways to kill someone, to get rid of the body. Therefore, they could never know.
If I was going to die, I was going to die in my own honor, the honor of a Pinkerton girl. They would kill me, yes, if they found out, but I would not let them. I have often heroically thought of my death, wanting to go down in a battle of glory. Like Ben Banfield. He died in a battle, with Irene Calla. I wanted to go down in a fight like that, to bring honor and glory to my people, and to the Pinkertons.
Sometimes..sometimes I wish I didn't have to lead a life such as this one. But I had to, or else I would be killed, or jailed. I might not have been an honorable woman, no, but I refused to give up my dignity in order to combine two lives, two worlds, two people into one. I couldn't combine Rose O'Hare into Bessie Autry. They wouldn't mix, not at all.
And then there's the letters to Irene..the ones that tell her that something big is going to happen, and soon. She'd shoot me if she knew I was the one writing those letters, and Lizzie would be so disappointed.
I have to keep my cover safe, so that when the time comes for the gang to be really discovered, for the two to be arrested, no one will think I was the one who tipped off the Pinkertons. They'd come after me, I just know it. They'd find a way to, with the many "friends" they have in odd places.
I have to keep myself safe, so no one else has to find out. If anyone finds out, I'd be dead before I would even know they ratted me out
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