Lines of Love Part Five
Astra/
I was surprised he came I didn't think I mattered to him enough but hearing they kissed more surprising. I suppose it should hurt or maybe I should lash out at her like a child, but I can't. Gina is far too honest even with words she hasn't spoken I can see it all, she's ready to accept my wrath. But I'm not experienced enough to know what is a proper response all I know is I love her. So I reach out to pull her towards me just so I can comfort her through the tears. She shouldn't have done it but she shouldn't suffer so much since she knew the mistake was being made, God knows I made worse mistakes in life. So I just hold her close as she has on top of me till she crawls next to me, I soothe her through it all. Because I wasn't here for her and I know how much she's suffered because I wasn't here.
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Astra; " Hey... I know what you have done and it's okay. We are far too honest and in love to let this tear us apart, I know what I have with you. I don't wanna lose it over something so small. So cry as much as you need to because I'm here now. And I'm sorry for ever leaving you alone."
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She continued crying as I held her but I know my words reached her. So we laud together without further words till she was all cried out from everything she had to do alone. She took a letter off the table I didn't notice and read it to me through her sniffling. I would say I let them down but they won without me and that's good. I wish I could have been there for them, to see them accomplish what I never could. Even now it's like I'm being told I was never meant to run, it hurts but I need it. My road forward is long before I fully recover but I have to do it because without the freedom they give who am I.
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After two extra days in the hospital, I was released to go home finally. But I found most of my time spent trying to walk properly, it was horrible. I felt weak and I pitied what I have become, I'm supposed to be strong yet I'm crawling. The frustration builds inside of me each time I fail because of pain or inability. I was told it could have been worse but this is worse, being teased with something I have always done. Having something in my reach but I can't obtain it because I haven't crawled far enough to grab it. Gina has been with me through it all even my weakest moments when I lash out at her because I feel useless. Weeks of rehabilitation and I only ever feel closer to the goal but not able to grab it.
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One day Gina brought Abigail to see me at first I didn't want her to see me like this. But there wasn't anything to hide because I know it won't be like this for long.
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Astra; " Hey Kiddo how's it going... I missed you"
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She just fell into me holding on like I was a lifeline, I can only imagine how much she suffered. Eventually, I calmed her down enough so she could talk, it's amazing how much I would have left behind if I didn't survive.
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Abigail; " I really missed you..."
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Astra; " I know, I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you but I'm here now. "
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For some reason this became easier to do in my recovery, all my fears had drifted away. I guess realizing why I wanted this is what causes my frustration, it wasn't the freedom. Not anymore it was the family I was close to having an actual family and it felt so far from me. But above all, I didn't wanna see that look on either of their faces again, so I'll try harder to get back up. I was always good at that even if I have to crawl first they will help me and that's enough to keep me going.
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After that one moment, my progress was steadily gaining speed, I could nearly walk fully again. Visits from the team I was coaching helped and all my family that I found along the way. I have a lot of support so I push to the limit every chance I can. One day Dan visited me at the clinic his face was strained and showed much worry.
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Dan; " I thought I would come to check on you, make sure everything is going well. No one's around so you can tell me, you know."
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Astra; " Always the father I never had you know... But it's hard, life up to this point was hard but I felt like I would lose everything if I couldn't walk. I just have a goal to reach so it's not so hard now."
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Dan; " I'm proud of you Astra, don't forget you have people around you ready to help. Especially for me, it was scary seeing you in the hospital. I'm glad you came back to us, you are a fighter never lose that part of yourself."
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It's moments like this that make me happy to go through all this, no matter what trials await me. I have people wanting me here with them and I can't let them down. The way he hugs me I truly feel like he was always meant to be the father I always wanted, his strength is so contagious. No wonder Cassie is so headstrong.
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Dan; " Come on I think you have a little more to give today let's get you back on your feet."
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