Lines of Love; Chapter 4/ Pt 3
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Astra/
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The food was good but felt hollow like I was struggling to accept the taste. My thoughts remained calm still so I had the choice of picking what I wanted to linger on more. Joy could see the chaos on my face, she wanted to help but she was afraid. I could see it so I offered her a false smile once more, desperate to understand. But I can't find the solution no matter how much I search nothing comes to me. After we finish the dinner she brought it was almost time for her to leave, go home where she belonged. But I haven't gotten any closer to the answers I needed since coming here, I needed to talk to her. I don't have a choice but to start somewhere and find closure to this agony inside.
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" Hey, Joy... When I came here I wanted to talk to you but I'm sure you knew that. But then we started getting distracted with the equipment here... It made everything calm inside my head you know. But now that I can think for myself without all the extra noise, I'm more confused than ever... More lost than I thought I was originally."
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" I'm here to listen, Astra. Always here to listen because I know some of the struggles you deal with... But I just wanna be helpful to you, since I have the chance you know."
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"Thank you, Joy... I think I'm frustrated but other emotions are mixing causing it to become cloudy. Now I can't tell if I'm frustrated or angry or just hurt... It was fine at first but that's how it goes right?... Everything fine, bury it and keep it buried... But since coming here nothings staying buried and I'm forced to confront it... I wanted my thoughts to be quiet but now I'm regretting it more than ever..."
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"Astra... What happened?"
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"I'm angry where I work because they have what I don't... I try so hard but I just can't run like I used to, I worked so hard and now I just can't... The person I considered most important to me is my best friend who only ever abandoned me, no matter how silent I remained she had to know... I'm still angry at her for it but I smiled because she's happy, that's the right thing to do right... Smile because I'm good at that. I have Gina of course but do I have her or are we just lonely people... I hate doubting her but what else can I do... So much pain I have buried and smiled away, and I can't figure anything out now. "
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"Astra, where's all this coming from... Cait, wasn't in a good place but I can't say any of us everywhere..but Gina loves you, why would you-"
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"Where's the line in love Joy, how do you love someone yet kiss another... There's always a line and I can't find the damn line this time. I should doubt her, hate her anything other than smile it away and forgive her... It hurts Joy, God I just want the storm inside my head to come back... I wanna bury everything again."
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I was breaking down from the weight of everything I buried, I wished to have a calm mind. But when my minds calm like this I can't keep things buried, and I'm getting so overwhelmed. I just broke down crying as she held me, I don't know what she was thinking but she was silent. She didn't deserve this none of it's her problem yet she takes it all, after everything I did. I just want the storm back inside making my thoughts flood and race, I want everything buried.
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"I don't think there's ever a line, Astra. If we had a line for everything we would never cross the lines and find ourselves, we would never seek what we desire, we would never try to find what's on the other side of the line. If you lived by standing on the side of a line you drew then you were never giving yourself to anyone or anything, you know this I'm sure... I seen that you love her and I'm sure whatever happened can be resolved without you losing yourself... Be honest with her, maybe that would help."
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"I'm not honest with myself Joy, how can I be honest with her...even now I'm just not honest at all."
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" what can I do Astra... Just tell me and ill help you."
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" After all, I have done how crazy is it that you are here for me... More than the best friend who watched me suffer for so long... "
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She didn't bother responding to that comment but I know she heard me clearly, I could feel the way she flinched. I feel like I'm taking advantage of her kindness even though I know I shouldn't unload so much on her. These are my problems to deal with and I should stop relying on people so much. I don't wanna drag anyone else down with me while I figure out my life that's chaotic. We couldn't sit on the floor any longer especially after a cheesy joke she made, so we went to the small rest area. She got me a blanket and we sat watching a film I never heard of before, but this was nice. She held me comforting me even though she didn't have to, I didn't get any answers tonight either. Even after I said everything I just don't feel any closer to closure or answers I wanted. At the end of the movie she said it was time to go home and asked if I was fine now. She also asked if I was gonna be okay all I could do was smile and say yes like always because I have to be.
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"Astra... Does it hurt knowing that she kissed someone else.?"
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"Yes...but it's supposed to right."
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"Do you ever wonder what she felt in that moment, is that why you feel like this. Not knowing how she felt in that moment, it's the one thing we don't often ask."
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"Yeah I think I wonder what she felt in that moment, but I don't think I could ever ask her..."
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It was quick and I hadn't expected it to happen but when it did her question echoed in my head. The way her lips met mine and I didn't refuse her, I just accepted but I understood. At this moment I feel a little happy, a little less lonely, I feel wanted. At this moment I feel the unsaid words over the years conveyed so powerfully, but above all, I Feel Joy's sacrifice. She didn't have to risk everything to give me an understanding of her question, she didn't have to always sacrifice herself like this. Cassie has a wonderful person to love and I'm glad I could meet this Joy, perhaps in another life, she was once mine. A connection I don't fully understand but this single kiss answered so much, a smile I don't have to fake. I thank you, Joy.
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"Good night Astra..."
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