Lines of Love; Chapter 4/ Pt 4
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Astra/
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That night was different laying in this bed I didn't feel that same sexual frustration. I was distracted by the kiss I received not long ago, it brought clarity to her words. Gina was the only person I kissed but for some reason, I felt connected to Joy in those brief moments. I wanted them to last just a little longer but who am I to be greedy like that. I decide to send a text to Gina at first I struggled to find words, so I asked about her mom. It was late so I wasn't expecting a response tonight but I should have done this sooner not wait so long. But in my defense, I needed a lot of clarity before I spoke to her again. To my surprise, she sends me a text.
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" She's doing a little better but they had to run some tests."
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" How's our little one doing.?"
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" She's good, loves it out here on the farm."
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" How are we doing.?"
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" For once I don't know, Astra... But I need to because it's killing me not knowing."
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" Yeah I know I'm sorry Gina, you do deserve better than this. Better than me"
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" Relationships are never gonna be easy, sometimes that's what makes them worth it... Something on your mind I can help with?"
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" I been spending my days and nights in a gym, I came to talk to Joy but ended up venting myself... I feel free and yet everything I have buried has become unburied. My head is no longer chaotic just calm... So I had time to confront my thoughts, something I still wish was buried. "
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"Oh, Joy... Umm what can I help with, what did you bury that I didn't notice... "
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" My feelings when something painful occurred... I buried them with a smile, Gina. And now that I have to confront them all, it's hard... I wish I was a better person because right now I feel all the anger I have towards so many things I buried and it sucks."
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" Like what... Astra, please I wanna know."
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" Cait my best friend who has been by my side tormented me the most. If it didn't go back to our high school years I don't think it would have been so bad. But the worst part was knowing she knew and said nothing, she stayed by my side for so long and never once spoke. I guess I'm at fault I could have spoken up but I was afraid of being alone... But to me, this anger feels justified even if I'm also responsible. It hurts, Gina..."
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I didn't know if she was gonna respond but I gave it a little time. When she didn't respond I guess she knew that more was being held in, so she waited. Ever patient with me Gina.
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"I'm angry how I smiled away you kissing someone, I shouldn't have done that it wasn't fair. Even though I know we should have talked more about it, discussed it anything... But I just smiled it away because I'm afraid, Gina... My greatest fear is to be alone and I don't like it at all. I love you but I'm confused as well. Do we love or are we just lonely people, a thought I couldn't stop from entering my head... Gina, what did it feel like to kiss my brother, what did you feel.?"
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" Why would you ask me that... I don't wanna think about it."
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"Please, Gina.."
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I was met only by silence and I let myself calm, I said what I needed to. All I can do is wait because I know what this question means to me. But a response never came and I found myself captured by sleep after waiting so long. When I awoke without another fantasy I was relieved to a degree, free of things that I didn't understand fully. I decided to check my phone but she never answered me I don't understand, was such a simple question difficult for her to answer. I refused to dwell on it today my plans would take me home finally, I had enough answers to be okay. As I was getting dressed Joy had arrived once more with breakfast, I truly appreciate who she's become. Once we sat down to eat I expected the usual but she was worried about it.
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" You okay with what happened... I just thought it would help you understand my question more. But honestly, I was also being selfish, stealing a kiss like a child I guess."
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" I didn't mind since it helped me understand things so it's fine... But what did you feel.?"
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" Loss of time, a sense of feeling complete, warm, happy, ... It's not easy for me because I have wanted this for a long time, but you returned the kiss so, It was perfect like a dream... I guess I took a blind leap. Sorry"
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" I'll admit I was surprised but in those moments I felt so much it was strange, but I felt above all else connected to you. And that made me happy but for me, a lot of things hit me at once you know."
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I laid her fears to rest and Joy was once happier, she worries over things so easily. But I understand since she's often judged by her actions and decisions heavier than anyone else. After breakfast, we decide to have a spar inside the ring since punching bags and speed bags would take too much effort. Even now she's searching me for ways she can help, you are a better person than you think Joy. We danced in the ring without tops and wearing shorts just to keep the heat away longer. I felt my adrenaline rising and I felt so good, venting my anger in such a way was perfect. But my eyes lingered on her lips a little too long and by the end of the match, I was walking towards her, fueled by heat and desire. For some reason, I wanted to feel her lips once more, like I lost my ability to rationalize properly.
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But when I got close enough a sound startled us in unison and I was now staring at, Cait. She had many chances to show up but now was when she does, her timing has always been horrible. But she stopped me from making a mistake at least and hurting Joy with my selfishness. We called it there so I could go wash up and get changed before dealing with Cait, I'm sure she has a lot of questions. Joy took it as a sign to leave early which I don't blame her since Cait can be ruthless at times. When I stepped out of the locker room Cait was waiting for me with a worried expression, I can only imagine what will be said.
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"So I missed a lot I guess... Everything okay or should I just asked what I missed.?"
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" I have been sorting myself out lately and otherwise nothing happened of importance"
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" And that almost Kiss with Joy?... Seriously not considered important, what about Gina or Cassie?"
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" Gina already crossed that line so I doubt it matters, at least until she answers me. But Cassie won't be hurt nothing happened between us so it's fine... Since when did you start caring Cait.?"
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"That's not fair, Ash... I have always cared, what happened while I was gone, talk to me."
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" Joy helped me clear my head and vent my anger here, now I'm dealing with things I smiled at and buried... ."
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" Like what.?"
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" Like the best friend who saw me suffering at her side for years but never considered me... My family can't help but throw me away or pretend I don't exist, a girlfriend who kisses my brother but can't even answer a simple question. Or how about the fact that I hate and love where I work now because I can't do what they do... I can't smile everything away this time Cait... My heads so quiet now."
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Lashing out at her not because I'm angry, no my anger has been vented. I'm hurt by it all and the more I address it the more sadness I feel, but why couldn't they see it. Am I so difficult to understand or know after years by someone's side, if that's the case then how come Joy could.
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" Uh... Yeah, I deserved that, I let you down Ash and I'm so sorry... But."
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She was hurt by the words I said yet something she lingered on, what could you have to say Cait. Don't leave me waiting any longer.
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